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 HarDayKnight
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 384
Justifying Cheating?Page 8 of 24    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24)
Cheaters always have excuses and reasons why they did it. Even those who are
repentant. Strangely, "I'm a selfish ass-hole." is almost never one of them.


 Damienevil
Joined: 2/22/2008
Msg: 385
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/3/2012 10:14:39 PM
if one is having sex with say 1000 women how do you know a second date is not happening. Also who said love and marriage are desirable with the way divorce works. The better educated a women is the more likely she is to initiate divorce.
 Debisusanne
Joined: 5/3/2011
Msg: 386
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/4/2012 7:56:55 AM

Justifications for cheating:

- To get revenge on a cheating lover (assuming the person you are having the affair with knows the score)

Any other "justification" is bullshit.


nawww.. this isnt cheating.. Once a SO or spouse has cheated on you.. they have revoked exclusivity.

But on the flip side.. after telling my ex husband.. i wouldnt sleep with his cheating ass anymore.. i couldnt date men who would date(or sleep with ) a married woman.. so i was stuck celibate

Took me 2 yrs before i slept with another man again..
 _Italiangirl_
Joined: 12/5/2010
Msg: 387
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/4/2012 10:52:39 AM
Females who do not meet a male's needs should not be surprised when he seeks to have them met elsewhere.
Many females in my personal experience lose interest in sex after having children, let their figures go, gain weight and become slovenly about the home and their person. They place the male's needs behind those of the children, and overall neglect him to the point of him feeling totally emasculated and worthless as a man.

If he can receive proper attention from a willing female who treats him as a male should be treated, I think it is correct that he do so.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 388
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/4/2012 12:57:16 PM
Females who do not meet a male's needs should not be surprised when he seeks to have them met elsewhere.
Many females in my personal experience lose interest in sex after having children, let their figures go, gain weight and become slovenly about the home and their person. They place the male's needs behind those of the children, and overall neglect him to the point of him feeling totally emasculated and worthless as a man.

If he can receive proper attention from a willing female who treats him as a male should be treated, I think it is correct that he do so.
^^^^^^^^^^^^
This is the money making post right here that hit the nail on the head. It's about the NEEDS from both partners being met. If the needs from BOTH partners are being met, there's no need to have needs being met elsewhere or from someone else.
 _PassionFlower
Joined: 11/27/2011
Msg: 389
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/4/2012 1:04:52 PM
if u can see why they stay, then why cant u see why they cheat? they need physical contact!! they need intimancy! they need to feel desirable! they need an ego boost! I dont condone cheating, but in realtionships, u have to be EVERYTHING to the other person, and when there is something lacking, THEY WILL SEEK IT ELSE WHERE.....Those are the facts
 _Italiangirl_
Joined: 12/5/2010
Msg: 390
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/4/2012 1:12:23 PM
Exactly, Passionflower.
Males who remain faithful to females who neglect and ignore their needs baffle me.
 infennario
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 391
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/4/2012 2:22:35 PM

Females who do not meet a male's needs should not be surprised when he seeks to have them met elsewhere.


Males who remain faithful to females who neglect and ignore their needs baffle me.

Absolutely.
And the flip side of the coin is that no one- male or female- should marry someone who confuses needs with desires, is too impulsive to make smart decisions and consider the consequences of their actions, or chooses to lie to their partner. People who do those things are not marriage material, imo.
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 392
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/4/2012 5:11:57 PM
"Man has worked very hard for many years, nice house, kids, material possessions, etc, but has no intimacy at home. Chooses to stay in the marriage as he knows the alimony will crush him, she stays home, raises kids, and he will lose half of everything he has worked so hard for. So he seeks intimacy outside the marriage."

i've heard this story many times over, and i'd say that half the time it simply is a bunch of b.s.. i am convinced that there are many married people out there that are actually quite happy with their marriage and are simply just looking for some action on the side. i also think the whole money issue is a bunch of b.s.. i mean, if you have kids then you should care for their welfare, and that means contributing some money to help maintain an adequate quality of life for them (do you want your kids going to a good school, or a crappy one? do you want your kids growing up in an apartment, or a home?)

let's say the kids are grown and now the man (it's usually the man that is cheating, but this isn't always the case of course) claims he'll have to pay his ex wife alimony if he left. well, again, you married her, and you married her with out a pre nup. in addition, did she leave the work force in order to take care of YOUR children? if so, studies show that women who leave the work force to raise children do not make the same amount of money over the course of their life times as women who do not leave the work force to raise children. as a result, the woman who stays at home will not have as much savings for retirement, nor will she be able to re-enter the work force at the same level she would have been at if she had not left. taking such factors into consideration, i think it is very selfish to think that the mother of one's children isn't entitled to some compensation for making such sacrifices.

i mean, how much money does a person need? can you put a price tag on happiness? why stay in a marriage that is over? furthermore, why drag a third person into some nightmarish half of a relationship? why on earth would someone want to grow old with someone they no longer love? honestly, i do not understand this thinking at all.
 adora71
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 393
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/4/2012 9:23:04 PM
Regarding posts 514-518, I agree that women do sometimes do let the man's "needs" slide, but men also let themselves go. Unhappy marriages usually do not have great sex lives. Sometimes men seem almost happy to have their wives act like "moms" all the time, because they just can't be bothered with dating them.

Speaking for myself, if a guy is giving me attention as a "woman," fulfilling my "need" for affection, and treating me respectfully, I will be all over him.

I still think my earlier post about the government forcing husbands and wives to give each other weekly orgasms is the best way remedy the situation.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 394
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/4/2012 10:50:19 PM

If he can receive proper attention from a willing female who treats him as a male should be treated, I think it is correct that he do so.

I don't think that's a reason to Cheat. I think one isn't cheating if it's Ok'd by the other -- which actually happens a bit more than you may think when the woman doesn't want any from the guy anymore post-kids and all.

I think if one signs a contract stating that they can't practice adultery while still together, regardless of how great or horrible it is, then they shouldn't have gotten in that situation in the first place. More people cheat than get divorced.... people get themselves into bad situations a lot. I think that's why a lot of people don't want to get married -- although in the end, if living together w/ kids, it's not much difference -- still Cheating.

With all that said, cheating could be understandable without too much shame, despite not being justified, if the circumstances are really bad. Basically, get a divorce or break-up if that's where you're at. Talk with your significant other if a divorce/break-up isn't feasible due to finances, kids, living situation, etc. -- about changing things up in some way, whether it be a wake-up call or the agreed nature of the relationship, or what-have-you. It's not supposed to be easy at all. Not an excuse to cheat or 100% stay with.
 Verissa2
Joined: 6/13/2007
Msg: 395
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/5/2012 9:30:29 AM
I think it is usually an excuse for someone that didn't bother to work on their marriage.


I think this is true to some extent, but there is only so much someone can work on when the effort is all one sided. I understand the monetary issue as well as I have worked very very hard for everything that I own and married after obtaining everything I needed.

Being in a one sided marriage is extremely lonely. I don't think it is an intentional thing most of the time; people don't generally wake up in the morning and say: "mhmmm I think I'll cheat on my spouse today" it's more of a gradual thing. They meet someone nice who they can talk to when there is no one to talk to at home. Then things progress. Sure it is wrong; I don't condone this type of behavior but having been in a substantially lopsided marriage I can understand it. I'm not cheating, I still have tons of hope left and am making as much effort to maintain and fix the things that are wrong as humanly possible. But some people need to have their foot in another doorway before they can step out of the current one, I get that.

As for anyone staying for any other reason then they want to be there that is the most ridicules bull$hit I have ever heard. Top 3 bull excuses thus far for not leaving:

1. It is not better to stay for the children, do you want to have your children see you miserable and think that is normal?

2. Medical, you can keep a spouse on your medical and not live with them, just don't get a legal divorce. There are plenty of ppl sharing medical and NOT LIVING TOGETHER who are legally separated.

3. Can't prove the other parent unfit??? WTF??? You do not have to prove someone unfit, just give a sliver of doubt that they are; they have to prove that they are, courts are funny that way. If the non-drinking (or drug addicted) spouse has a camera and/or can take video, make a diary, keep track of other things, ie. how much money is spent at the liquor store..they can prove that that parent is not in any position to take care of children until they admit there is a problem and get some rehab for that issue. If the other parent is an alcoholic and/or drug addict they will have to jump through a lot of hoops to win if the other has any dirt at all.

I have been working in Divorce Law for a very long time. None of those excuses fly with me.
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 396
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/6/2012 12:21:26 AM
damiendevil

"Also are swingers cheaters? are Poly cheating."

obviously swingers aren't cheating, because there is no boundary to the relationship that involves exclusivity. you are making an argument against monogamy, not defending cheating. cheating involves deception and misleading another person. this is never justifiable, imo.

on a side note, i find multiple sex partners, random sex, casual sex lacking emotion to be very boring. true passion comes from the union of sexual physical chemistry and deep emotional attachment with someone that you could not even think of living without! i've had this and it's magical!

"Monogamy = boring and limiting."

when you are madly passionately in love with someone you can't even SEE anyone else. other partners don't exist to you. i think that is the most exciting feeling in the world.

you are only 30 years old. you are very young, and in all honesty, if you maintain your current lifestyle, eventually you will reach an age where you are alone and the women won't want you. nothing is more pathetic than a 50+ year old man who is out trolling for tail. the old guy in the club is someone you feel sorry for. you will end up that guy.
 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 397
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/6/2012 12:53:32 AM
The scenario in the OP is crap. Sorry, but there is no excuse and that one doesn't even come close.

Guys seem to get comfortable but want a little extra on the side. It's that simple.

I left my wife a year ago. It hurst, it sucks, it cost me far more than half and still costs me.

I had enough respect for her and for me to not stay in a marriage that wasn't working.

I stand by the words, "Once a cheater, always a cheater". Some people will do that to you while some people won't - there are never any excuses to justify it. Ever.

If your relationship isn't based upon monogamous values of exclusivity, then "cheating" can't really apply can it? That would be a situation that you and your open-minded partner need to work out between yourselves.

I had two girlfriends in college. They knew each other. It was awful...lol It wasn't cheating because it was right out in the open and accepted by all parties involved. It also wasn't a good idea because both of them lied when they said they were cool with it. Each was convinced they could "win" me for themselves...hurt feelings all around.

You have to be particularly mature and honest to get into something like that and I don't think there are many people out there who could handle it.

Kick the cheaters to the curb. Chances are they are cheating in all sorts of other ways too so it shouldn't be too hard to spot. Then again, I've never figured out how to spot it.
 Angelsbigheart
Joined: 7/30/2011
Msg: 398
view profile
History
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/6/2012 7:14:06 AM
Bottom line is CHEATING IS JUST COWARDLY!! And there is absolutely NO excuse for it!!

If there is no intimacy in your relationship and you don't have the BALLS to talk about it with your partner and either work it out or come to some 'mutual agreement' (like maybe an open marriage) that works for both of you, then you have one of two choices; LEAVE them or make the choice to stay in an unhappy situation and to ACCEPT the consequences of that choice!!

I hate it when people use money or kids as their 'justification' for staying and cheating!! LOTS of people live very happily on a small income and LOTS of kids grow up perfectly healthy and happy even with parents who are separated or divorced!! Besides if you're to the point where you're considering cheating... if you think your KIDS don't know how unhappy you are with each other, then you are in serious denial.

So stop debating whether cheating is 'justifiable' or not and GO TALK TO YOUR PARTNER or BREAK UP!! You're an adult... act like it!!

*and this is NOT directed at the OP of course (just the people who cheat)!!
 No_Fancy_Name
Joined: 11/18/2009
Msg: 399
view profile
History
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/6/2012 7:17:34 AM
Larissan04:

Whist I agree with 90% of your posting here, I tend to disagree with the following statement:


nothing is more pathetic than a 50+ year old man who is out trolling for tail. the old guy in the club is someone you feel sorry for.


I think that it would be more pathetic if the 50+ year man was married, which is unfortunately more common than not.
 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 400
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/6/2012 8:05:46 AM
Reading this thread is interesting...

I'm saying to myself, cheater, cheated, cheater, cheated, cheater, cheater, cheater...

I get the impression that there is a whole lota cheatin' going on around here.
 Angelsbigheart
Joined: 7/30/2011
Msg: 401
view profile
History
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/6/2012 8:10:09 AM
@ BEEN:
First off you may want to work on that BITTER taste you have in your mouth... it's NOT attractive!! HAHA

While I'm sure this happens on occasion (where a woman or man is just physically and emotionally unavailable for NO REASON or FAULT whatsoever), I think more often than not, if your partner (male or female) is distant with you there is usually a REASON behind the distance, even if the reason for the distance in YOUR EYES in unjustifiable (you may think that by just supporting them monetarily and 'providing for them' you're holding up your end, when they need more than that to feel close and intimate with you). And if you are feeling a lack of 'closeness or intimacy' and don't TALK to your partner about how YOU'RE feeling then you are just as to blame for the situation as they are!!

A relationship and love takes 2 people both working together (and being there FOR each other) and if ONE person is not strong enough to deal with the situation for whatever reason, then the other needs to be able to suck it up and take the reigns. Some are just more comfortable bringing up emotional stuff than others. So instead of pointing fingers at each other, maybe you should try to open up the lines of communication and try to UNDERSTAND the reason behind the distance.

I'd like to think that when you love each other, you would not HURT each other knowingly... so if one person is hurting or upset, maybe the other person does not realize they are doing anything wrong!! You can't fix it if you don't know it's broke!!

Oh and for the record, I have NEVER cheated or had someone cheat on me!! :)
 Mozzily
Joined: 11/29/2011
Msg: 402
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/6/2012 8:13:56 AM
if/when he gets caught he'll loose half anywas, I'd say dont make the other person suffer through the pain of being cheated on and cut your losses. Hes playing with a perfectly good womens heart and thats not ok, esspecially because hes doing it out of greed even though she had to stay home and raise the kids.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 403
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/6/2012 8:57:49 AM

I stand by the words, "Once a cheater, always a cheater". Some people will do that to you while some people won't - there are never any excuses to justify it. Ever.

I'd like to agree with that statement 100%, I seriously would. Would make things easier. But honestly, I can't. If one's dating a 40 year old gal, who he finds out cheated on her new boyfriend when she was 20 in college, by making out and hanging out a couple times then ending the relationship with the new bf -- you're keeping people's actions when they were young, dumb, and full of .... well, you get the idea. :) I would say within the "young-in" time-frame it would more or less apply... and when she's a no-questions-full-adult (by US car insurance standards) over 25, then I would apply it greater.

And the same goes for being in an abusive relationship -- of course, you weren't there, so you couldn't take a gal's word for it all close to 100% -- but if in an abusive relationship, she ran off with another guy before breaking it off -- she did cheat. But if you (somehow) had great evidence that it truly was an abusive relationship (and not just her unhappy and the guy a jerk) -- then it wouldn't necessarily be "one a cheater always a cheater".

But I will say though, that cheating doesn't require sex. If you're with someone in a committed relationship, and "build a lifeboat" (ala Mad Men) in the background -- even if the gal is wack or the guy is a huge jerk -- you're cheating. I think most cheating occurs when people are too chicken to break up -- and a lot of that is when they can't stand being single and would need someone to transition to. They can rationalize why that's okay, but it's not. Not wanting to be Single is not a good reason at all to justify cheating -- just because "you are about to" break up (even if it occurs shortly after you cheated).
 ontario_woman
Joined: 4/3/2005
Msg: 404
view profile
History
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/6/2012 9:23:48 AM
Sexual desire and sex ebbs and flows within a healthy relationship as time goes on. That is normal. An ongoing lack of sexual desire generally indicates an underlying problem within the relationship. Until that issue is addressed, then the lack of sexual desire is going to continue.

Sex is the result of a healthy relationship; not the other way around. To say otherwise is to demand that people should have sex with someone with whom they may be very angry, disliked, mistreated, etc. I certainly don't want to have sex with someone who mistreats me or that I may be angry with and I certainly wouldn't ask it of my spouse.

If there is a lack of sex in the relationship, then the couple needs to discuss the problem and come up with a mutually beneficial solution; not a solution that will benefit one at the expense of the other. Communication is key. If one or both parties are unwilling to work together, then the relationship is pretty much over with already.

There is NEVER a justifiable reason to cheat. A commitment means a commitment to work together to make it work in a manner that is beneficial to both parties even when things get rough. When you cheat, you have essentially called it "quits" on the relationship. After that, it's over!


Your posts tell me that its ok for the woman to say give,give,give to me and do,do,do for me and when I have enough I will give back.


Your post tells me that men are entitled to sex whenever they feel like regardless of how they are behaving or treating their spouse. YOU are the one suggesting that women should just give and give and maybe the man will provide a crumb when he's been satiated.
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 405
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/6/2012 7:21:24 PM
I wonder how many women feel distanced from the man and just start relying on the plastic?I would consider it cheating if her sexual energy was going in that direction.
 firenzeitalia
Joined: 7/5/2010
Msg: 406
view profile
History
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/6/2012 9:49:11 PM
I agree with you - well put. The guy stops contributing and the girls shut down... I have lived the "broken heart" after 18 years of love, marriage and raising children, and have to say that the measure of a man, or a person for that matter, is how they deal with a bad situation. Honesty is always best, even though it can cause incredible pain it is the only chance we all have for an authentic life. In this short, precious time we have I feel that learning and growing and experiencing the best of life is what makes it all worthwhile. Love is what we all crave. But true love can only come through honesty - to ourselves and those we care about. I think if my husband had been honest and dealt with things differently, we might have been better for it. But he didn't for whatever reason, so he broke my heart and he will either learn ... or not. I have this broken piece of me, but I have looked at how I contributed to this relationship and if I could go back and change things - I would. So to answer the question, "no, there is no justification for cheating". For falling in love, yes. But for lying and cheating, NO!
 Angelsbigheart
Joined: 7/30/2011
Msg: 408
view profile
History
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/8/2012 1:48:44 PM
@BEEN:

I'm completely FLABBERGASTED at how clueless and unwavering you are in your opinion of women!! Wow, she really did a number on you!!

And I'm not going to get into this with you any farther because just as you did with all my NEUTRAL scenarios, you will just blame the female for the problem and to justify your cheating!!

GOOD LUCK with your fishing and I hope you find the submissive, non-opinionated, do what you say not what you do, sex slave you're looking for!! HAHA

FTR: I stand by my original post that there is NO EXCUSE or JUSTIFIABLE reason for cheating... if you're not happy with your partner (male or female) talk and work it out or LEAVE BEFORE YOU CHEAT!!
 ixtlan09
Joined: 12/12/2010
Msg: 409
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/8/2012 3:28:16 PM
The married guy in a marriage without intimacy is banging his wife. Just like the married woman in an abusive relationship is banging her husband. These are just stories people tell you they can have sex with someone else, too. It's a win-win for them.
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