Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >      Home login  
Joined: 12/12/2009
Msg: 410
Justifying Cheating?Page 9 of 24    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24)
I hate cheaters too for all the reasons listed above, but I do disagree with the statement "once a cheater, always a cheater". I dated a woman for 3 months and she told me on the first date she had an affair during her marriage. She had so much guilt over it, seriously bothered her. I honestly believe she would never do that again. The whole time we dated I never worried about her cheating. She f'd up and she knew it, but she was a good person and she was genuinely sorry for what she did.
Joined: 1/4/2012
Msg: 411
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/8/2012 3:52:50 PM
BullCrap is all it is....THERE IS NO REASON FOR CHEATING, no reason to break a person's heart & soul. Listen I understand that sometimes you can't help whom you have relations with, I get that the heart sometimes consumes itself with feelings rather it's right or wrong. But it's a choice to cheat, it's not like you well...just cheat, come on, it really doesn't happen that way!!

And if a person is cheating then losing half of what they worked for is part of the disaster, it's called consequences!!!!! Or more like having your cake and eating it can buy that bull as to why he cheats understand it if you want, but not me. Are you so underttanding because you are the other woman? Or wish to be? Sorry but I sure hope you never experience a cheating spouse and then have a friend understand why he cheating...just saying, it's not so pretty when the shoe is on the other foot, hey at least if your future cheating mate is reading this, they will know that you will understand, right? Geez things that make me say hmmm!!!
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 412
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/8/2012 6:49:25 PM

The married guy in a marriage without intimacy is banging his wife. Just like the married woman in an abusive relationship is banging her husband. These are just stories people tell you they can have sex with someone else, too. It's a win-win for them.

Were you there as part of a threesome?You don't know.Plenty of couples just plain quit having sex for one reason or another.
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 413
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/17/2012 8:34:36 PM
I think it's the ultimate passive aggressive behavior and show of contempt and anger at the spouse.
And, if the marriage is dead, fear of change --divorce, also motivates cheating and whining my spouse denies me.
Sometimes it's financial why they stay.
It's what people incapable of intimacy do, bluffers, liars, fakes, manipulators, mentally unstable.
Having many faces--how can these people actually enjoy anything?
Why not just come clean and end a bad ltr?
I think those that cheat are content and don't intend on leaving their spouse. If it was so bad, they would leave.
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 414
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/18/2012 9:55:20 PM

As for your LEAVE BEFORE YOU CHEAT comment I would agree but the problem with that is when we do that we are selfish a$$holes. In the end we are either lonely/without, cheaters or selfish a$$holes. We pick whichever is best for us.

I think this brings up two underlying concepts...

(1) Character vs Reputation: People tend to judge their own character by their reputation. Or better put - image... and in this case, image of someone else. It's of better character to not cheat -- even though your reputation in their eyes (their hatred, anger, bad mouthing, etc) will be more or less the same than if you were in a sour relationship anyway in her eyes too, did cheat, but it drew out longer where she controlled and called the breakup process.

(2) Cheating is "leaving someone" in some sense. Think about it. Let's say you come home one day and your well-loved significant other, out of the blue, dumps you with a smile, leaves, and the next day he/she has a 3-some and bangs the heck out of a ton of people weeks after from the towns-folk talk. Well, he/she didn't cheat, right? :) Compare that to two people, both sour & fighting, unhappy, too hard to break up for mutual friends & more importantly family, financial living reasons, etc., and one ends up making out with someone at a bar (cheating) and it ends up finally happening because both were too cowardly to roll things into a fish-or-cut-bait-breakup thing.... and he/she shows remorse, sincerely apologizes, etc., even though they both knew the relationship was doomed and on its last leg.

Cheating hurts because it basically says "I'm not into you" by raw demonstration. Some can say deceit, but there's plenty of avenues one can go down to violate trust issues by lying/deceiving about things, etc. And it'd be hard to call it on the highest plane of lying/deceit if they admitted it shortly thereafter and didn't put on an act like it didn't happen. It's about leaving someone unexpectedly and/or in an unfair way that hurts people the most, (sexually) cheating or no cheating involved.
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 415
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/19/2012 6:07:38 AM
Wow! Two threads on Cheating running at the same time in Relationships.
I think nearly all agree that cheating is cheating and 23 pages of people saying it is as well, gets boring.

Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 416
view profile
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/19/2012 6:36:42 AM
Pretty much everyone universally hates cheating and cheaters, yet it's still so very common. That makes me wonder why is there such a disconnect between ideals and behaviors?

Something is flawed. Sure, it's easy to say the cheater is flawed, but then one heck of a large minority (and possibly a majority) of people - both men and women - are flawed and forever despicable by this standard. It's also easy to point to the cheater, but they usually don't get to the point of cheating in a vacuum - many things contribute to their choice, and the biggest factor is almost inevitably their spouse or significant other. As some have pointed out - validly, I think - once one person starts to neglect the needs and desires of the other, the relationship is in danger.

If instead we speculate that the existing social paradigm of monogamy and fidelity are flawed and incompatible with human nature, then I think it's possible to come up with a more realistic and workable model for relationships and expectations within them.

Anyone want to look at it from this perspective, and suggest how relationships could be structured differently?
Joined: 7/14/2008
Msg: 417
view profile
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/19/2012 10:32:25 AM
Maybe I'm waaaay out-of-date but I honestly don't think there is ever a "good" or "justifiable" reason for cheating. I just don't. I've seen what happens one too many times when one person in a relationship cheats--my mother and father, for instance. Dad got involved with a married lady and her husband found out. Her husband threatened to "hurt" my father in the worst way he could and would park about two houses down from our house and watch. My mother made us kids go out the back door and hop fences to get to school. I had my own experiences being cheated on--and catching the guy doing it--and then he turned around and began to constantly accuse me of cheating on him. Hello pot, meet kettle?? Nope sorry....never did, never will. Not right, not acceptable, never justified, pretty disgusting..... Just my opinion tho.....
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 418
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/19/2012 5:50:12 PM
Cheating is avoiding intimacy and being incapable of it, having low self esteem--you're basically a liar and only pitiful, self loathing people lie.
Only people who want to be known are honest.
You can only have intimacy if you are honest about who you are, what you want and need.
I believe cheaters aren't miserable--they have a mediocre vs horrible relationship.
People don't stay with those they have nothing with.
Emotionally or physically, they are connected to their spouse.
They justify because they want the excitement of the past, and they act out anger this way.
The sad thing is I think the majority cheat and never come clean.
They get distant, start fights, criticize you as beneath them, it ends.
Later, you find that they cheated with a coworker, person in their band, a roommate--opportunity cheating.
It usually blows up in their face and they attempt to come back.
Too late you tell them and they actually get angry.
That arrogance really says it all.
Joined: 11/4/2007
Msg: 419
view profile
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 1/25/2012 5:06:04 AM
I believe if you're not getting it at home get it somewhere else. Sex is a big part of a relationship.
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 421
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 5/26/2012 10:38:57 AM

I see their point, and then I realize that I am dealing with someone who cares more about money then love. There is no way, and I mean no way, that I would ever ever ever stay married to a man that did not love or whom I did not love because of money. Now children? Yes, I can see people staying together for children - absolutely - but money? Nope. I would rather have love in my life then lots of money - honestly. True love is what really matters to me. Money might be able to make you more comfortable, but it can't give you comfort. So men like this more often then not are just cowards. They stay married for reasons other then love, and they let their lives be run by their bank account balance, their family, peers, and society. These type of people lack passion, integrity, and yes, substance. They often care too much about what others think of them...and in the end, they miss out on true love and happiness...sounds sad to me...

...and one more thing... I often hear men go on and on about so-called gold diggers... welp, if you are unhappily married...and you are staying in the marriage because of the money...then I'd say that is a bit of the pot calling the kettle black...hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

i don't think true love always lasts, and i don't think marriages should always last. sometimes people get married for the wrong reasons, and sometimes people change over the years. if you are married to someone that is not growing with you, then how can that be healthy? and who'd want to grow old with someone with whom you are not on the same page?
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 422
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 5/28/2012 10:13:50 AM
I believe if you're not getting it at home get it somewhere else. Sex is a big part of a relationship.

And I believe that if you're not 'getting it' at home, you should try to talk/communicate about your feelings, figure out what is going on with your partner and why there is no interest there anymore, and try to resolve it. Communication about your feelings and learning to compromise is a big part of a relationship.

And, if it turns out you don't have sex, and you don't have communication, then the reality is you *don't* really have a relationship - and (after some effort to resolve it) you might as well end this thing you're calling a 'relationship' but really isn't anymore (why keep it if it isn't working?), and *then* going off to find something better.

Reality is, if "mom and dad" aren't having sex, aren't happy, and can't communicate and resolve it, and one or both is resorting to affairs outside the relationship - seriously, what message/example is that setting for the kids? Do you really think that they aren't going to 'catch on' eventually (kids aren't stupid)? Do you want to set the example for your children that its 'better to stick in a miserable unhappy relationship, and cheat, than pursue what you really want and what makes you happy'?
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 423
view profile
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 5/28/2012 10:15:18 PM

As per normal you nailed it. Lives are not run by bank accounts. At least the good ones aren't.
Now here is the story that I lived..... I was married to a wonderful man. He was the most giving, caring, loving individual that I'd ever met in my life and I likened him to God. We were truly blessed. Ours was a relationship based on friendship first, the rest just fell into place. Much substance. He was 18 years my senior and of a different race than I. Not once did anything come between the two of us. There was never a me because it was always us. Yes, we had our own personal views about things but we always talked things out and came to a common resolution. We shared the good times and the bad and neither of us for one moment thought about walking away. We knew that the grass wasn't necessarily greener on the other side of the street.

My husband became very ill as a result of the cancer that eventually took him away from this earth. Despite the illness he knew what was and saw to it that we still were able to share some intimacy in our relationship till the very end. Of course at the end it was nothing more than holding each other while he in the ICU unit. Before that he found other ways. He used to say that I may have lost the function of this for the moment honey but look what I got you. Personally if I owned stock in Duracell I'd be just fine. Not once did I ever think that just because he couldn't function as he had in the beginning that I needed to seek satisfaction elsewhere. I would not have dreamed of it. Had I done something like that I could not have looked at myself in the mirror and liked what I saw. When I think back on those last days he and I spent in the hospital I am always reminded of him asking me was I ok with the fact that he didn't want to go through anymore procedures. (there was one that might have changed things but there was no guarantee.) I just simply looked at him and said " I love you and your personal wish is my own" .

In marriage there is no I or me. It's us pure and simple. If you can't live by that then you both need to cowboy/cowgirl up and dissolve the union cause it won't last. JMHO
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 424
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 5/28/2012 10:29:11 PM
there is no justification.

be man or woman enough to leave the situation. Cheaters are liars and I'm always wondering what they tell their kids when they do something wrong.

If you cheat, you are what you are; a deceitful liar.
Joined: 4/2/2011
Msg: 425
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 5/29/2012 7:22:02 AM
ugh.. ive already talked about this somewhat.. cheating is such a vaginal term by the way..

cheating is a guy that leaves his own place.. to find happiness behind your back, so your feelings arent hurt.

cheating is for you..

for guys.. if your not ****in, the dingy **** by the dumpster, or the lawyer,dentist, nurse.. they all got the same thing a guy wants... twat.
secondly...guys dont cheat like women.
when guys cheat, its usually to fill, maintain or create a roster, a stock of employees.. women.. so that if you act up, or dont act right... or leave after or before 90 days... we arent left in the cold.. essentially its a human resources.. and we make sure there is something available to satisfy this undying hunger all men have to fucl something

when women cheat.. its usually angry.. like a f-you to whoever they are with. usually it means the guy didnt do somethig she wanted or expected, and most times, she has no respect for him. there is no aatisfaction besidea what i mentioned when a woman cheats since all you gotta do is open your f-ing legs.

when a guys doing it.. its more like privates and generals.. now a guy doesnt want to **** up his army/ family, but you being the wife/ girlfriend, your a general and dont know it, but you take it like he wants to **** it up.. who dies first in battles? privates mainly... and thats what women get upset about. guys dont care about useless f-s.. its just to satisfy the hunger.. we care about generals.. shes got the keys to my house, feeds my dogs, chats to my mom.. she has information that is valuable.. your worth is moee important than a useless f. yet, you take it as though we should lose it all, while not understanding the hunger, and the creature that man is..

you want to understand what cheatig is. look more closely.. without judging, writing off.. there is a nature involved.

women want one. men want many.. and select one. ...with side orders lol.
Joined: 6/24/2009
Msg: 426
view profile
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 5/29/2012 4:00:54 PM
It's all about money.

The rule : 1 marriage at a time

The problem : When women get divorced THEY GET PAID. Maybe they earned that payout thruoughout the marriage but the perception is CHA-CHING and from a point of view marriage is just a long-term prostitution contract on deferred payment with heavy penalties for termination.

Hence : Men want to stay married (to preserve what they earned) and still have intimacy with a woman.

There is no question that finances are infinitely more important to a man than a woman. Finances are tied to a man's self-esteem just like a woman's beauty are hers. When was the last time you dated a homeless man? Right, never, men need wealth in order to get sex, and they need sex in order to remain emotionally stable.

In a bad marriage, he is denied sex, and in divorce he is denied wealth with which to be able to attract another partner.

A woman without money is no problem, she can get a new relationship in 5 minutes and have a roof over her head. Maybe not a GOOD relationship but something until the right guy comes along. Most women tho are too honest and touchy feely to be that pragmatic about it and instead demand to impoverish the old husband and bleed him dry to have her own condo and "support herself" on child support money and a schitty job as a cashier or something.

This is the reality folks.

Most women don't bring anything valuable to a relationship other than his love for her, if he's lucky she cooks and does laundry and he will get a solid 4 man-hours of productivity out of her per week while he's out earning "their" money. For a guy it's a terrible deal, it's like buying a jumbo jet for the free peanuts.

Women will retort "but I raised your kids" but think about it. Men don't charge when they fix the leaky roof or the car or do plumbing, and once in a while they change a diaper or pack the kids lunch. It's not like you're more useful around the house or doing something that he can't do for himself. You think you're entitled to half his earning because you re-arranged his sock drawer.

If you look at it honestly you can see that men get raped in divorce and they NEED money in order to be a provider and be loved.

Bottom line is no, cheating aint right. But it's understandable and in certain circumstances the only thing a man can really do short of declaring divorce and living in a cardboard box.
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 427
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 5/29/2012 5:36:05 PM
I have a very passionate opinion on this as I have never cheated but both my ex wives cheated. They also thought they were going to take me to the cleaners in the subsequent divorces.

At the time I lived in Georgia and that state allows adultery as a ground, when they filed under the no fault I countered with the adultery grounds.

Now mind you they knew that even with the evidence I had the split would still be 50/50.

Being the gentleman I am I offered to forego the public adultery trial that would air all their transgressions during our marriages.

Seems they were then open to my generous offer of their personal items and their personal bank accounts if I dropped the adultery charges and signed their no fault.

Cheating is despicable and unforgivable the human trash that would do that to their spouse should be handled just as I did mine.

Papa1973 you were just a little on the rough side and didn't sugar coat it at all but you did describe marriage as I know it.

Which is why there will never be another wife cheat on me. Marriage is out dating is in, and with the steady supply of freshly divorced women wanting to try out their new found freedom. Well it is a great time to be a fit single man.
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 428
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 5/30/2012 8:43:44 AM
You are looking to share your life with someone period.
If this person can not meet your needs than, it doesnt matter why, just that you are not getting everything that you need
Joined: 5/27/2012
Msg: 429
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 5/31/2012 6:21:52 AM
Cheating while you are dating is acceptable as long as the guy doesn't propose or make it explicitly clear that you and him are exclusive.

Cheating when married is a different story altogether.

Men are allowed to cheat in a marriage because the woman has already cheated by involving another entity more powerful than her husband to enforce her will of monogamy on him. That thug that the woman uses to force her will on her husband is the State in the form of a one-sides contract call marriage.

Men cheat in marriage because women cheated by creating marriage as a threat to take away half a man's wealth if he doesn't comply with her wishes.
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 430
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 5/31/2012 9:06:14 AM

When any person justifies their actions they know they are going against their own cosncience and going against spiritual values.

A person will justify theri cheating because they know they are doing some thing very unhealthy against another person.

Cheating is a betrayal and two wrongs do not make a right.

If we lie in any way we have no choice but to live in fear of each lie.

If we live a facade we have no choice but to live in fear of being found out we are living a lie.

Cheating in any way is a betayal of trust no matter how you color it up.

Do people cheat because they are adrenline junkies.

Do people think that sexual intermacy is only what a realtionship is based up on.

Do people cheat because they are sexually inadequate and inept.

Do people cheat really think that sex on its own is love.

Cheating of any sort is unhealthy.

Love and peace to everyone

Dave of Beckeham.

Do you like, cut and past these or something? I found one from 2010.......................
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 431
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/19/2012 10:35:09 AM

there is no justification.

be man or woman enough to leave the situation. Cheaters are liars and I'm always wondering what they tell their kids when they do something wrong.

If you cheat, you are what you are; a deceitful liar.

A cheater is a cheater. A liar is someone who says they're at work, when they're really at some girls house banging her.

Not all cheaters are liars. A lot of cheaters just go have sex with other people, and there's nothing more to it. They're not lying, they're just not saying that they're doing it.
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 432
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/19/2012 5:48:12 PM
This entire 24 page post has been very educational. I was a cheater. I love my wife...I really do. We get along great and I only have one complaint about her and the relationship.....very little sex. It seems such a minor thing, but it builds to be so much more. Perhaps I have a sexual addiction or perhaps I have something wrong with me, but if I go without sex for more than a couple weeks, I lose all focus and am in physical pain. My wife will only have sex with me every few months at best. I suffer through it most of the time, but it greatly affects my home life and work life. I have talked to her about it numerous times and she always agrees that we should have more sex, but it just never happens. I try to initiate sex at least a few times a week and am usually turned down. I masturbate every day and it doesn't help. As many have said, I have made excuses for it that I fully believed in my delirious state. Now, after reading all of these very good posts, I feel that I have been very wrong and that my pain must endure or end forever. I cannot stand the pain and yet cannot commit the crime. Therefore, it must all end. Thank you.
Joined: 2/23/2012
Msg: 433
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/19/2012 6:36:11 PM

Not all cheaters are liars.

Yes, they are. A continuing misrepresentation of anything is a "lie". In this case, the misrepresentation is the notion that the individual is faithful.
Joined: 4/4/2012
Msg: 434
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/20/2012 12:43:58 AM
the couple needs to talk about it, find something that works! it's never okay to find what you're lacking else where, especially when you're married. marriage isn't meant to be easy; if you have two willing/sacrificial people, you can get through anything.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >