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 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 51
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?Page 4 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

i too believe it takes a long while to figure out the long term compatibility, let alone the cohabitation. but, it's still my ideal. so, i am monogamous and i procede with good faith. or do i? because, what if it becomes clear that we could never live together? in light of what i say is my ideal, does that mean i am always keeping one eye out and over his shoulder, scanning for "the one"? or do i give up my ideal and how does someone do that, i wonder?

i"think" to be honest, i'd have to wonder in the back of my mind, that someone else might be in the vicinity and i'd better keep my antenna up. even moreseo, i tend to do that, when i hear the guy, i am "monogamously" seeing, also wonder out loud to me if he could again achieve couplehood and living together, but yet wants monogamy and does not think this is an fwb. well, he wants me all to himself. who wouldn't? but, is that enough for me?

^^^I'm ruminating on a similar situation...
The question for me is...should I always look at the next relationship as 'the one'...or can it be enough for right now...under whatever terms it presents itself in?
It's hard for me to answer because I'm not one to spin my wheels with someone or something that is not aligned. I need to be with a cohabitant partner and that doesn't seem possible down the road...so like you I too am uncomfortable and keeping an open mind and eye.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 52
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/9/2009 8:53:11 AM
I'm posting off the OP becaus it is still too early in the day to read four pages, lazy wench that I am.

My thoughts about forever and what that might look like have changed over the years. I don't think I have any need to marry and I don't necessarily need to live with someone although as Margo noted, I cannot imagine remaining with someone that I could never really see myself living with.

I think where most people screw up is moving in together when they need to or when it makes sense, or because there is a sense of urgency to do so. If you move in together because of convenience (stupid to maintain two domiciles when you spend all of your free time together), or beause your finances are screwed, you change the dynamic in a way that makes commitment of choice totally different. If you feel an urgency to move in together, I would also refrain from doing so.

If after a year or two or however long it takes you to feel this way that you know you can easily live without the person underfoot but you wish to spend more of your time with them, to always be the last and first person you see when you go to bed and wake up, then you should live together. Do you want to wait five years or more to discover you are not compatible as housemates? Idk

As older people, many with a failed married or two under our belts, we certainly have learned those things worth fussing about and as Lonesome said, those things that are so not a big deal that if you actually stop fighting and give yourself a sleep on it, you don't even remember what was going on. Many of us kept fighting when we lost sight of the real issue hours, days or months ago.

I don't think 24/7 is necessarily a goal, I just cannot at this time imagine a future with someone wherein 24/7 was not a part, that does not mean that this is correct or that it could change over time. I think if you find the right person, whether 24/7 or something else works for you will evolve in THAT relationship, between the two people. The one person that thought they wanted 24/7 could be perfectly content with them keeping two places. The person that thought they wanted to keep their own place could wind up being the one who believes that 24/7 is right for them.

For me, I've still got the kids in the mix. I can't see myself getting involved with someone and wanting to cohabitate but doing that in digs that weren't big enough for the whole family, trying to make one or the other of us fit into what we already have. For the right reasons and creating a new home together, that takes time to figure out and it is often in not taking the time that things go to shit.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 53
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/9/2009 9:34:57 AM
thanks ren. i guess i "assumed" that if not the ideal, you would be taking a sneak peak. it sounds like you are following a one day at a time approach.

rick, i'm from nyc and don't see you as being callous. us new yorkers are not always politically correct. how many have declared true love and within a few months time, it all went south? you may be right or my concerns may find solutions or reversals. i don't know for sure, either way. i am challanging a long held belief and i do it honestly. i have two old dogs--so, in my situation it would mean no more dogs in the future. the cats are not the issue. i could adjust friends and family to a point. but can he? it remains to be seen if my relationship can evolve or not. i guess i question his view in all this and i tend to find out, slowly but surely. sometimes a person can't answer this question, as he also does not know. it's hard to be up against pre-conceived notions and that applies to both philosophies of living together or apart.
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 54
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/9/2009 11:17:04 AM
I certainly don't think 24/7 MUST be a goal...but I think for a lot of people it is. Maybe some of us have that "find Prince Charming, get married, have a pack of kids and live happily ever after" ingrained so hard into us, that, even as we mature, we still think that is the only "real" committed relationship. Even if the specifics (like the marriage and/or the kids) go out the window - the happily ever after equates to living under the same roof. For me, I want 24/7 - but of course, finding the person I want it with is another story. That's just how I'm made and what I have found in the past has made me happy. I prefer to share and shoulder all the joys and responsibilities of day to day living with someone. I want to find someone to build a life with - not share part of mine with, and have a piece of theirs. I have of course come across people who just aren't wired that way. And there's nothing wrong with that! But it's not the kind of life I would choose to live. That has, in fact, been the deciding factor for me in a few instances, in ending something that was just beginning.
 kbodley
Joined: 11/26/2008
Msg: 57
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/11/2009 8:24:16 PM

The question isn't, though, what's better? It's more about "what's up with people who say it has to be "all" or "nothing" to be a monogamous, committed relationship?


Is it possible that these folks who must have "all" or "nothing" have never learned to be content with their own company?

I have to admit that one of the things that makes me hesitate to get involved with someone else is that in many ways I am perfectly content with my own company. I have also learned that it is much preferable to be lonely alone, than lonely with somebody!

I have always believed that in order to be content with someone else, you must be content with yourself - and out of that contentment should evolve the ability to grant someone you love and respect the freedom to live a life interdependent with yours and vice versa??? Or - at least that is my hope!
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 59
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/27/2009 12:44:25 PM
RenMan wrote originally:
The only "problem" with doing what seems obvious to me is healthier for the connection, is that for so many there seems to be an attitude that, if you aren''t living under the same roof, it's not "committed". Some even label it as FWB. Why can't two people be in a monogamous, committed relationship, yet maintain some personal autonomy?


sweetest wrote:

I agree that living together is the fastest way to ruin (the wrong) relationships, but living together is also the best way to develop, nurture and grow (the right) relationships. Living together is the ultimate expression of sharing when the relationship and timing are right.




When the relationship and the timing are right, couples develop "our way" that works for the two of them. Examples: You need time alone; she gives it to you. You don’t want to pick up and she likes a clean house; she picks up. She doesn’t like to mow the lawn; you do it. And so on. Emotionally mature couples in the right time/right relationship find ways to turn "issues" into something that promotes the common good of a loving relationship. Each action to promote harmony is done with love, so it's not seen as a compromise or tit for tat. It's about loving the other person.


^^^Agree with Kay here. Living together is the ideal situation that I'm looking for. And while marriage may or may not be part of it, I simply can't envision less than that. I want to share my life fully. I've spent a good chunk of time on my own and don't need to investigate further what that's all about.

I don't agree that there is any aspersions cast by articulating 'need' so honestly as Renman has...I see it for myself exactly as he wrote it. I don't choose to deflect or posture in a way that makes this seem less than what it is...The right person will feel as I do.


There is a "need" in the heart of most of us, to have "someone special" in our lives, and to love and be loved in return is a very real need, not just a passing "want".


AmeliaMD wrote:
If living with one another will "ruin" your "relationship", then trust me...you weren't meant for each other anyway.


This thread has been bugging me, now, for several weeks. The above quoted posts initially spoke the most to me, but are not exclusize of the number of good posts on this matter. One thing I want to start off with is that no healthy relationship is going to be 24/7(/365). Even with retired couples, say, a healthy relationship has the two apart for a significant amount of time. If for no other reason than when they come back together they can share together that which they did apart.

Personally, I cannot imagine, at this time, getting into a serious relationship in the future in which the end goal would not be living together (married). It could just be me and my world view: I am opposed to the concepts and practices of FWB, FBs, NSA sex, etc. But then, it could also be that which was expressed by AmeliaMD above.

In any event, living together in a lifelong committed relationship is the highest expression of what the union between two individuals can achieve. To do so means having to give up some of yourself for the betterment of the other, their desires and needs, and they doing the same for you. As Kay9876 said: "ourway." Ourway is neither right nor wrong, it is a path that the couple has found beneficial to walk to together. That is what I want. [one note about "ourway," not all "ourways" ae going to look similar. Some "ourways" will be ways that some (maybe most) of us would shy away from. But it is their "ourway."

As a personal example I knew "we" were in trouble when "ourway" kept getting smaller and smaller and "herway" became more a priority and "myway" less so.

I've had a lot of time to think about this topic the past couple of weeks while working on the lawn and the trees. There is a portion of the "lawn" that I recovered a dozen of so years ago from being a hay field. For what ever reasons it has never remained flat. Over time, and even after having a very large vibrating asphalt compactor flatten the area, the recovered "lawn" develops the equivalent of frost heaves. So this year I pulled out the hand held thatcher and manually scalped off the worst of the "heaves." In effect, smoothing out the rough spots. As I was scalping the area, I was thinking about this thread. I needed a smooth(er) area of lawn (fora variety of reasons) and I tried several methods to achieve that end. None of them worked until ... and even then only time will tell if this latest attempt will be successful.

It's like this in a living together relationship. If you're serious about making it work there are going to be times when you have to scrape off those rough spots to get down to something approaching smooth. That is, if you want to recover what was initially there or create something better.

On the other hand, there were these two trees I transplanted, Hargrand apricots. Developed for colder climes like mine and relatively self fertilizing. The thing is that for optimum production you want another tree of the same type along side. Well, my transplant did not take for one. The other was, according to neighbors, dead. But I held out hope. Near the end, all but two of the original leaves had dropped, and those two looked kind'a sickly. Well, I watered, I weeded, I even talked to it. And about two weeks or so ago, I went out on a Tuesday and there were new buds and leaves all over the place. And yes, I talked to it some more. What was said is private.

Originally, I thought that this was an example of just sticking it out. Doing the hard work, together, to get to that point of regeneration or even resurrection. But then I realized that it is even more that that - those two trees needed each other to be all they can be. If one died, then what was going to be left for the other. You're right, I could have dug up the "dead" one and replaced it, but where would have been the fun in that. I had an investment in both trees and together both trees were better than alone.

I think it is this way for us. We have to be there. We have to be there always. If we don't want to make the committment of living together what does that say to the other person: "you're good enough for the recurring sex, but I don't want you in my face the rest of the time."? And no matter how you phrase it that is how it will come out.

Now, if you are so damaged by what has transpired before and you cannot make that committtment, I feel for you. And if the best you can manage is the periodic moments when you can allow someone into your bed for "your" comfort, don't go around praising that momentary flush as the be all and end all. That's like using a cracked glass for hot tea: soon enough that crack will break.

As I said, I'm looking forward to having that "ourway" relationship in the future. There is enough of me that I don't mind giving up a bit of it to have something greater than the parts alone.

TK
{I like the candle example in marriage: two smaller candles start off lit and together they light a larger candle. Instead of blowing out the smaller candles, those two are set aside still lit: while there maybe a more important larger candle (which gives more light) the two smaller candles still remain as a reminder that the individuals also still remain}
 jadegreen
Joined: 2/3/2006
Msg: 62
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/30/2009 7:07:13 PM
You know I think those that are living alone in this decade may find in the next decade they may get lonely...it is really not in our nature to be alone...
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 65
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/31/2009 9:29:23 PM

Some will label it FWB, if it isn't, and others will insist that if it's the "real deal" that is will HAVE TO BE 24/7. The question is "why?". Why can't people maintaint some personaly autonomy, yet be sincerely "involved" with each other? When did the push to "live with" become the defining element of whether a relationship is "serious"?

When your love compels you to. I believe it really is that simple.

When my sweetie and I decided to move in together, we discussed what we would do if it didn't work out. If the timing wasn't right for us, we would have had separate residences and continued as we did before. So, it did not HAVE to be, but at the same time we were each compelled to share our lives fully.
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 67
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/1/2009 7:31:26 PM
I completely agree that a 24/7 relationship is the ultimate goal. But at what time frame does it become a total live in relationship? A week? a month? a year? I find personally to many do this too fast - all swept up in the moment and the finding out -oops- that was a bad idea. Things are all good when the hormones are raging, but then one day- this person is not who you thought they were. The rose colour glasses stop working and now you've got a mess to sort out.
It makes a difference if your in your twenties as opposed to your forties. When your young, you want to do the best you can for the kids. If things go astray- as many of us here have found out- you work it out - a least for a time and get the innocent ones- the children- get off to a good footing in life. Then comes time to find the best one for yourself and reach a mutually good relationship. At midlife this can take a bit of time.
There are lots of situations that won't work out for everyone involved and a small few that will. Expecting that you will get divorced, walk down the street next week and meet your true love on a corner- maybe in Hollywood but for most- no.
I wish we could all have the fairy tale and meet that perfect person for us- and keep them. Here in North America, we think this certain and expected. But its really only a coin toss away from going the other way.
The Renman speaks wise words born of experience. Not all relationships are husband and wife going to sleep beside each other until they die. And you don't always find these relationships after a month. For those that love to talk about their parents long relationships after meeting briefly- it was a different time and they didn't expect to be ecstatic every minute of it. They took the good times with the bad- they settled ( I know- pure heresy on POF) but they compromised for a reasonably good life. I want to be the guy in a romance novel too- but it doesn't happen too often. So we just soldier along and hope for the best- why not meet a few good people along the way and say - that's not too bad of a life.
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 69
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/1/2009 8:03:12 PM
^^^^^^^^
Thats a nice sentiment Gentleman (post 119) - I wish the same - but two things- does 24 / 7 happen instantly or over a day a week a month a year or more? You need to wake up and go to bed - and be able to instantly share your thoughts with your SO?

Don't get me wrong- again that's an admirable goal- but - if you couldn't be together everyday- could you still send that feeling through an email or telephone call? or decide to head over and see them? Do you need to live under the same roof, all the time, to be commited to them? Or do you just need to know where they are all the time?

As a poster above said ( Mrs Contemplative post 115) said- Convenience of access is great. But it is always necessary? Its great for pre and post sleep sex, but do you really do that every day for 40 years? Would the phone not suffice sometimes? Could you spend maybe half your nights together and half away? Many do this for jobs and other situations. Do they not love each other as well?

Ah - its a complex world- maybe we make it that way for ourselves sometimes.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 71
Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/2/2009 10:40:36 AM
I'll go along with it being different for different people, for different reasons. Personally, I don't have the desire to live with someone 24/7 and that doesn't mean that there isn't a committed relationship otherwise - I wouldn't call it "dating" a guy for 4 1/2 years and seeing no one else. It's not all about getting together just for sex either. I find living separately just as satisfying, if not more so, than living together with someone 24/7. I suppose it depends on what makes you lonely or what makes you happy. I know any number of people who are in live-in relationships or married who say they are lonely. Living with someone doesn't guarantee your happiness or fulfillment and it doesn't mean that you are shirking relationship responsiblities by living separately. It's being reported more and more that even married couples are living in separate residences. While this isn't for everyone it does speak to the fact that the 24/7 living arrangment isn't the be all and end all and that there is something the matter with you if that's not what you choose. I see a number of posters seem to figure it is "wrong" or you don't love your partner as much unless you live with them. If that were true, there wouldn't be so many divorces, now would it? There's much to be said for being a committed couple without the necessity of it being 24/7. If it suits you, great. If it doesn't suit you personally, that's great too. One size does not fit all. What IS wrong is to be condescending to those who find a way that works for them but wouldn't for you.
 19justice78
Joined: 7/23/2008
Msg: 72
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/2/2009 11:18:43 AM
This attitude in my opinion seems to come with the older age group. Especially if you have either been married a long time and just broke up or have been alone for a long time. Either way you grow to really like your quiet time. I don't want a man living with me, I'm really not looking to get married. I also like the idea that I can show up at his house get intertained and go home when I'm not.
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 74
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/2/2009 3:28:40 PM
Now THAT does sound like FWB


Is the term "Boyfriend/girlfriend " still relevant these days?
I think FWB smacks of little or no commitment.


Monogamous, committed, serious....but not rushing into cohabitation or having that as the goal for the first year or so.


This sounds more like GF/BF. This is the kind of thing I find the right way to go about things. Take some time, get to know each other, enjoy life and then decide if living together and later getting married is what both of you want.

To each their own- hopefully whatever way you do it it works out, maybe for the long run.
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 76
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/2/2009 4:11:42 PM
Message 130

I think a lot of us wouldn't mind being married - as long as its to the right person.

OK - so what is your ideal time frame? How long do you need to know someone before your pretty sure you'd want to marry?



I'm also not saying that I'm willing to go get the marriage license after dating for a few months, but I'd sure like to know ahead of time if the man's ideal arrangement would be to only get together every weekend and considers this a "long term" relationship.


I think the meeting up would become more often as the relationship grew. If you don't want to get hitched in a few months, which is sensible- why not take a year or two?

I get the feeling that if a man doesn't express his undying commitment in the first few weeks, he's seen as a playboy, a player or a commitment-phobe. I think good relationships take time to build. The last girl I was with seemed to be in a rush but soon those darned old skeletons started leaping out of the closet- I'm glad I didn't live with her when I found those things out.

When first starting out- I say- proceed with caution and both eyes open.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 79
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/2/2009 4:38:34 PM
I believe that the goal of a 24/7 committed relationship whether married/ or common law is respect of each other space and privacy, trust,* give and take,* ( if you can not give back don't take ) . In relationship/ or just common friendship a cheapskate and moocher won't go very far...............

I would rather have a BF that in the end of the day ,he'd be asking me or vice versa "your place or mine '??
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 83
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/2/2009 6:09:56 PM
Messages 135 and 136 (Janet4ever and lovinlifeat44)

I guess it comes down to intentions and time frame. Stating them upfront is great and honest. But when is the time right to start talking seriously about marriage? Janet4ever already inferred that guys are just trying to avoid the subject - one they haven't fully had time time to explore their own feelings or reached certainty on yet.

Help us single guys out here- a little insight-

At that point several months into the relationship,what is it you want to hear from the marriage discussion?

"Sure lets get married in a year or two."
"I think things are progressing along nicely-lets wait and see"
"I'll run out tomorrow, get the ring start looking for a new house and book the church and honeymoon vacation."

I think anything less than the last one gets a guy in a " do these jeans make look fat?" type of scenario.



How often should it be discussed? every day every week every month? If its too often it doesn't sound like communication- it sounds like pressure.

It's just a case of the old classic battle- girl feels like shes being strung along, guys feel pressured into doing something too soon. Its a relationship , where there should be some give and take and some trust. Shouldn't both parties be comfortable with their decisions?

Marriage is a long term goal- but why not have a set of mini goals of getting to know you, discuss the future as things solidify, address things that may be an issue, figure out that this is the way you want to spend your life, maybe move in together if its not against your beliefs and then get married? Your missing out on a lot of stuff if you just put on your wedding sneakers and run straight to the alter. You both may regret it later and your just older and divorced (again).

As other posters have stated, its not for everyone. Sometimes a committed relationship, with some time apart, is as good or better than a marriage. The only real difference is a ceremony, a piece of paper and having to pay a lawyer if things don't work out. Here in Canada your pretty much married after you live together anyway so it's just about the same.

Enough for now - trueT

edit>Renman- we must have been typing at the same time- guess we both have been down the same road-lol.
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 88
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/2/2009 7:28:48 PM
Loveinlife- It's all good- I may keep bring the time frame thing up- but as you said- who knows when its right- its the thing that makes relationships tricky.

Yes your right - we should all go into relationships honestly. It doesn't always happen though- and then we question the others underlying agenda and how it will affect our own plans. Trying to filter through it is part of the dilemma- if we could all communicate more effectively- and understand men's and women's interpretations of things- we could be better off.

Being able to get through all the talks in a relationship without hurt feels and hostility is tough sometimes- and on POF forums- sometimes known as "Plenty of Fighting"- but it may help us all out - you may be informed and entertained at the same time!


<div class="quote">I just want to know upfront what a man wants.

The answer depends on the individual- to each their own, There a generalities but in this case - its a case by case basis. I would ask the same of women and get many different answers but obviously the OP and I have seen the same thing. Talking about marriage usually means "whens it going to happen MISTER?"

Just cut some of us guys a little slack and know that we are not all just "users" and sometimes we feel a little used too.



Edit LinLife- so how long have YOU been seeing this guy? Did you tell him upfront you want marriage? If its been a year or more- guess its time to fish or cut bait. Tell him to get off the pot. Just be sure your happier without him- ah decisions decisons- why can't people just act they way we want.
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 89
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/2/2009 10:13:46 PM
Janet4 ever

Did you clearly spell out where the relationship was going ? Right from the outset?

Or did the people involved have a change of heart after agreeing to the original terms?

Yes pushing someone into something they're not sure of is not a good idea. Maybe people are more worried about being in a relationship rather than the person they are involved with at the time. It is good to check to see where you're relationship is at - from "time to time".

But I didn't have the same feeling of being cornered or emotionally blackmailed as a few men here have described... I just thought "well, they want something else obviously" so time to move on.


Is it that you were not emotionally invested in these relationships and found it just as easy to walk? Or after a while you knew the relationship wasn't going anyplace. Men get accused of being players for exactly the same thing, using a woman for sex and leaving when it becomes commitment time. Your just wasting someone else's time. Do you wonder- what was wrong with the way the relationship was?

So - I guess you agree that 24 and 7 and married isn't required for a relationship.

Hats off- we should all be in a situation that is good for all involved.


 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 91
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/3/2009 4:48:33 PM
I agree with Janet that it's not a sign of being needy to indicate that you're looking for marriage up front.

I'm finding there are two aspects that seem to have considerable impact on people entertaining the the thought of remarriage: the rise and acceptance of the fwb relationship, and the degree of cynicism which a prospective mate may harbor. In all likelihood, this is more a factor of the age group that I find myself in---many have had at least one kick at the can some a few more; sometimes with grisly results.

That said, it therefore in my opinion, makes no sense whatsoever to me to not state intentions in this regard so that everyone is clear from the start. From reading this thread, there are some determined folks that have become very acclimatized to their single state, and it would seem from what some have stated this would be unlikely to change with any partner--they're now entrenched.

Given what I'm looking for...a person like that would never work with me. I need someone who's still got a bit optimism toward having a long-term committed relationship with marriage as a possibility. Articulating this would then seem to be very important so that neither wastes the others' time.
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 94
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/3/2009 6:14:58 PM
pretty stupid to be married and live in to different places.


This reminds me of a funny story- a friends grandparents lived in rural Canada (New Brunswick) on a large farm. They raised their kids ( my friends parents) then after ward decided they didn't like living in the same house. Grandpa built a shack and moved in- one he could pull around the property on a sled and put it wherever he wanted. They stayed married and ate meals together as well.

It's crazy but - just when you think you heard everything- a innovative and unconventional solution. For those that remember- didn't Lucy and Rickie sleep in separate beds?

Could this be the "new" living style for the middle aged single? I remember being a kid- we had to share bedrooms- now a days every kid has to have his own- some with there own TV, computer and cellphone. Maybe we a turning into an isolationist society- emailing, texting, phone from our own domicile with limited contact with others.

Sounds kind of sad really - I hope a meet someone who stays old fashioned like me before this becomes the new norm.

Maybe LinL44 was right- time to shack up before the whole world goes to hell!
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 96
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/4/2009 3:29:28 PM
OP
You leave me thinking your just really busy with your career. Even at my age, when things got really busy with work- long hours ,stress and focusing on problems after work- a few things cropped up.
1. Being tired without realizing your a bit off and slowly burning down.
2. Not wanting to have to deal with relationship problems leading to your partner feeling like you don't spend enough time on her (like you did before) and therefore don't care.
3. Some loss of libido and desire to pursue.

Do you see a time when this state of working will level off? This high motivation to work on something new and exciting is great but it can take its toll if it goes on too long.

First easy idea- make sure your getting enough sleep. Go to bed even when you don't feel tired. Shut off the alarm on the weekends. You may find that all of a sudden you feel more rested and able to deal with more extra curricular activities (relationships, sex).
Also sometimes its hard to get a woman to understand when your motivations turns to something else. If they are the type that are really demanding of your attention they can grow to resent this. If you can explain that the heavy work is a temporary phase and you will have more time later maybe they'll be more understanding and willing to wait. Or just don't have a relationship until the job is more settled. It's hard to start a new relationship with all the energy, attention and time it requires to get established when you have a lot of other things on your plate.

Men also tend to get very focused when they have a challenge in front of them, to the exclusion of all else sometimes. Women have trouble understanding this sometimes. Rather than let you get through it, they see it as you have a problem with them. If they'd just let you work through it, you come out of the cave satisfied with your success and be more available to them.

Again- just another phase of life.
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 101
Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/13/2009 1:12:25 PM
When I have lived with someone, there was never a 24/7 aspect. Our work schedules took care of that, but it wasn't a real problem beyond the general and quite normal missing each other.

Why worry about what other people think of your relationship? If anyone is stupid enough to come to the conclusion that because you don't cohabitate with the guy you've been dating for a long time is just an FWB situation.. is it not obvious how limited their thinking is?
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 102
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/13/2009 3:27:52 PM

Why worry about what other people think of your relationship? If anyone is stupid enough to come to the conclusion that because you don't cohabitate with the guy you've been dating for a long time is just an FWB situation.. is it not obvious how limited their thinking is?


I agree with the above. There seems to be some confusion and fuzziness about the terms FWB and BF/GF. An FWB can be as little as just as sex together and nothing else to having sex with a friend, do things together and be monogamous at that point in time. A boyfriend/girlfriend seems to start at monogamous, friendly relationship and to some implies is leading to marriage. I would think for FWB is more than just sex and a BF/BG is not a promise to marry - thats being engaged. FWB and GF/BF kind of overlap depending on the person.
I think individuals project their own wants into these terms a bit. The best thing is for those in the relationship define their own terms with statements rather than general labels. The only relationship well defined is married and that has been done for everyone by the legal community and church. As well, many marriages are not 24/7 with spouses travelling weeks at a time or working different shifts for work. But for different people at different times, the participants need to clarify where they stand- not others on the outside looking in.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 103
Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/13/2009 3:44:43 PM
I agree with both of the above (El_Mariachi & truetemp1). For instance, there was some idiot on here that figured that he had it all figured out that because I don't live with the guy I've had a 4 1/2 year relationship with that I have all kinds of issues which must stem from a bad past relationship despite the fact that it was an amiacable split, and a personality that has an inaiblity to commit, despite having been told that my longest relationship was 35 years. I'm the one who's happy with my life and don't give a rat's azz what anyone else thinks, but it doesn't stop me from being amazed at the closed-mindedness of some who are constant pigeon-holers who figure what's right for them makes everyone else wrong. I like to refer to them as goober brained.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 106
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/16/2009 6:39:04 AM
It's done roughly the opposite RenMan... while it has reduced the number of marriages (a trend in place ever since no-fault divorce was introduced) it has reinforced marriage as a religious ceremony. And I imagine it has significantly reduced the number of people who know each other for two months and decide "let's live together". I believe that is one of the real issues in your thread... people jumping their relationships towards living together prematurely, before they know each other really well.
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