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Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 22
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The WallPage 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
"It's a shame that you are so presumptuous as to think you know what my life is like. You don't know anything about me"

I is a shame that you think I am posting solely about you.

"Skip over that healing will find people banging their heads on yet another wall after their next ex dumps them."

I have seen that happen over and over again both on dating sites and in real life.

"knock off the rude commentary regarding mine. "

You present ideas in your posts. Anyone here can agree or not agree. That is what topics are all about. As people don't know each other in cyber space, the posts are about ideas not people.

When people disagree with my idea about walls or any other threads I understand they are disagreeing with my ideas and not me personally.
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 23
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The Wall
Posted: 7/6/2009 7:04:50 AM
Well, one theory is that things are interactive between the 2 people involved, and if you put up a wall, that will be reflected in the reactions of the other person.

One very effective interpersonal technique is to be open and trusting of others. There are very few really bad people out there who can easily avoid reflecting back that openness and trust, although there are definitely some. On average, however, such an attitude will result in the development of close bonds with others.

It all depends on what you want to achieve. Boundaries are probably all you really need....
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 27
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The Wall
Posted: 7/6/2009 9:52:18 AM
For our walls to come down, we as the Bricklayers must have an open heart, and be willing to trust. When we do find the right person, we remove the walls brick by brick. Wise couples do start their relationships slowly, it's only fools that rush in.
Joined: 2/9/2009
Msg: 36
The Wall
Posted: 7/7/2009 1:12:57 AM
Parrothead, there is no way to protect yourself really, I lost what I thought was my greatest ever love, (murdered actually) and seriously doubted I would ever get over it much less find anyone I wanted to become involved with again, then I realised through my training (Psychologist) and time that I could only manage the hurt by 'compartmentalising' it as in not try to forget it, not possible, but put it in a place that I can look into whenever I want and remember the good times that I would never have had if I had not met her, and now, released, I have fallen very deeply in love with a wonderful filly on this site actually, SO, don't build walls you actually need to accept your past experiences, welcome the person you have become and look forward to life's possibilities, the pain sucks so put your mind where the pain isn't, your new self and get on with living 'it' and good luck, this saying is the best life guide I have ever heard and I live every day by it now, 'if it is meant to be it is up to me'
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 39
The Wall
Posted: 7/28/2009 7:06:38 PM
I think we all have walls that we use to feel "protected" but in truth all the walls do is keep us from being able to live life to the fullest. When I met someone who has "walls" I allow them to keep them in tact, when the time is right for them they will take the walls down themselves and if in that timeframe we part company I hope that my actions have in some small way restored their faith in themselves and others to make them wish to take their walls apart.

I had someone who insisted that I allow them walls and the pain of having to choose between my feelings of being "protected" and the potential I had with them was very painful, I would never ask that of another person. Time does heal if the person wants it to, if not they will use whatever life experience they have had to continue to be both angry and bitter.
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 41
The Wall
Posted: 7/28/2009 9:16:37 PM
Hm, I'm no expert, of course. But this sounds familiar to me.

I would think that it's all a trust thing.
YOU have to learn to trust, and it doesn't have to be with just one person.
You can tell little things that mean a great deal to you, to different people. It makes it easier (on you) if everyone knows just a little about you. Once they have kept your trust, you can start by giving them more. Eventually, you'll end up trusting everyone, and then find that the wall evaporated.
Joined: 7/21/2008
Msg: 42
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The Wall
Posted: 7/28/2009 9:31:09 PM
isnt truely living life about experiencing all things...good/bad/joyful/painful/happy/sad (yes I could go on but you get the idea)
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 55
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The Wall
Posted: 3/27/2011 7:49:00 PM
interesting that someone conjured this old thread up. not to mention, it was started by an e-buddy. not to mention that i have been quoted!

well, let's add something recent. i found the love of my life. never have i trusted someone so deeply and felt so "loved". he then lied big time to me. i found out. the rage spewed out, now just the pain and the lack of trust. in essence, i left my body and built a wall around my soul. he is the one who suffered the most from his selfish deed. he did not want to hurt me. he was just not able, nor did he know how, to face me and talk things out that were triggering in him. in retrospect, all very crazy.

today we both agreed after a month of my needing "space" to talk it out and try to understand. one day at a time. with professional help. if we make it, it will be because we both worked our asses off doing it. if not, we will not be bringing the angst to the next relationship.

this takes courage and determination. it is not based upon current good feelings, although we have an intense attraction and we were best friends to one another. it is based upon wisdom--aka the serenity prayer.

a long time ago, i was told that to gain this wisdom, it took one day a a time. 12 step al anon talk. but, it has worked for me, in all areas of my life. even when there is no alcoholic in my life, just me and the "situation". of course, each day we "work it". in many ways starting to get closer. but to ultimately forgive and take the wall down takes time. because once down, i know i cannnot keep raising it back whenever it "feels" good. nor can he ever lie to me again.

tall order, but doable. if not with him, with someone else. that, i have always "believed" . in many ways, i feel that i have left my body. never felt this way before. but, it is a protection as long as i am doing the work and don't "forget" that it is a temporary thing.
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