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 spitfire6844
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 104
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How many is too many?Page 2 of 23    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23)
OP: The fact that you started a thread on this doesn't jibe well with your claim that "there is no limit of restriction to the number of partners a person is entitled to". It can't be both ways. Even starting the conversation means that someone does care. I don't care, so I never ask; and I don't even speculate about it.

What I do want to know from a new partner is that she's healthy and STD-free. That's way more important, and you can't determine that from the number of former partners she's had.
 Stlgirl203
Joined: 4/12/2009
Msg: 116
How many is too many?
Posted: 7/20/2009 1:54:50 PM
So the biggest concern should be your safety! The odds are you could catch some sort of STD and aren't your chances higher if you sleep with someone that has had more sexual partners! So wouldn't you find it unattractive if someone said they slept with 300 people? I'd assume with a number like that, they have caught something at some point! Would you really want to take that risk?

Everyone's life is different and we as humans have a horrible habit of judging people, and just like people judge you for your looks they will judge you for how many people you have been with! It's a personal choice about how many people you have or will sleep with whether it be for personal issues about confidence or putting yourself in the wrong situation because you liked someone and didn't think things would go this far! You sleep with someone for whatever reason you wish, hell maybe you were just horny that night, maybe you thought if you slept with them you would be able to keep them!

You will make your own choices and just like relationships exsist or don't exsist because of whatever that person did that you didn't like, your number could be a reason but does that mean you still pursue that person? You just move on the same way you would as you would if someone isn't attracted to you!

So if I was you I wouldn't worry about your number but instead you safety but don't let that be the excuse to do whatever, because someone else might wonder why didn't she say no a little bit more!
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 117
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How many is too many?
Posted: 7/20/2009 2:17:18 PM
There use to be a saying, "when you have sex with someone, you're having sex with everyone that person had sex with." Sounds right to me. So, not only would I have to worry about the women I've slept with, I also have to worry about the men she has slept with as well. Oh, let me off this merry-go-round, I'm getting light headed.

So, if I have six revolvers on a table in front of me, each with one bullet, and I were to take each revolver, spin the cylinder, and pull the trigger just one time with each revolver, my chances of creating some abstract art on the wall behind me are the same as if I only pulled the trigger once on just one revolver? I haven't increased mychances of ruining a perfectly good projectile? Hmmm, I don't think so.

I think I'll keep my trigger locked.

TK
{I like my sample size. Small}
 huggablekiss
Joined: 3/21/2009
Msg: 119
How many is too many?
Posted: 7/20/2009 3:05:44 PM
I am not promiscuous , however, I do not agree with your reason.

You are justifying that in knowing the amount of sexual partners, that it takes away from shared intimacy has lost it's values? Everyone has differernt values, and you cannot speak of values as if it applies to everyone else and each defines intimacy differently, depending on what lifestyle you want with your partner.

Knowing information such as numbers of sexual partners can lead someone to judge someone while that person is free from disease and has been a responsible person using precautionary measures for their own health.

This question arises from low-esteem, insecurity, jealousy, because the motivation is being insecure with oneself as it leads to comparison measure of others before him or her, and to judge either critically or potential to harm the partner's self-esteem and confidence later in the relationship (if used as a weapon of words during an argument, you just end up with less intimacy and possibly left to be single again). It is the present that matters most and not the past so long as safety measures and sexual health conditions are discussed openly. If you are really interested in that person, and their past sexual history is their own personal business, both to seek out to be tested and share the intimacy that both cared enough about each other to get tested.
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 120
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How many is too many?
Posted: 7/20/2009 3:50:30 PM

I am not promiscuous , however, I do not agree with your reason.

Darlin', that's a judgment call. My judgment of promiscuity may be your definition of conservative. I fear the two shall never meet.


You are justifying that in knowing the amount of sexual partners, that it takes away from shared intimacy has lost it's values? Everyone has differernt values, and you cannot speak of values as if it applies to everyone else and each defines intimacy differently, depending on what lifestyle you want with your partner.

Darlin', I don't fully understand the point being made, but your statement about "everyone has different values," is spot on. I value a woman who values herself, her life, and whom ever she wants to get intimate with down the line. I value intimacy. Intimacy should be valued. It should not be used and abused in a vain attempt to find transient satisfaction and validation.


Knowing information such as numbers of sexual partners can lead someone to judge someone while that person is free from disease and has been a responsible person using precautionary measures for their own health.
Assuming that you can be assured disease free after a life time of multiple partners, you cannot be immune from the effects that multiple partners will have on your psyche, emotional response to imtimacy, or physical response. When you give yourself over, repeatedly, to the natural effects that are the biological fallout of sexual intimacy, you are or have, diminshed the likely hood of being able to establish a necessary bond for long term emotional and physical intimacy


This question arises from low-esteem, insecurity, jealousy, because the motivation is being insecure with oneself as it leads to comparison measure of others before him or her, and to judge either critically or potential to harm the partner's self-esteem and confidence later in the relationship (if used as a weapon of words during an argument, you just end up with less intimacy and possibly left to be single again). It is the present that matters most and not the past so long as safety measures and sexual health conditions are discussed openly. If you are really interested in that person, and their past sexual history is their own personal business, both to seek out to be tested and share the intimacy that both cared enough about each other to get tested.
You have, as others have done before you, created a straw man to knock down in order to defend and bolster your position to engage in intermittent risky behavior for transient moments of pleasure. I am neither insecure, jealous, nor do I suffer from any momentary or long term issues of low self esteem. In the words of Santayana: "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." If I were to live my present and future with no knowledge or understanding of the past, whether it is mine or another's, I would be a fool indeed. You may take all the safety measures you desire and discuss your past sexual congresses ad nauseam, but you cannot prevent all that will befall you. You cannot maintain a pattern of multiple partners, serial monogomy, etc., year after year and hope to escape the ravages of that lifestyle. At some point some organism will penetrate your barriers (because that is what they do) and over time your heart, if not your passion, shall be hardened.

While it is true that I long for that physical and emotional intimacy you are boasting of, I will not do so in such a manner that increases the chance of harm to myself or to the one I desire.

TK
{Santayana also wrote: "A man is morally free when, in full possession of his living humanity, he judges the world, and judges other men, with uncompromising sincerity."}
 chadcuba
Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 123
How many is too many?
Posted: 7/20/2009 4:37:27 PM
"Only insecure people are worried about the number of sexual partners their SO have had."


Only a total whore who is complete trash would say something like this. LOL Yes it does matter how many people you've been with because what guy wants to be walking around with some whore who's been with the whole town?? What an embarrassment and a disgrace to the guy. If i'm gonna be with a girl and call her my "lady" she ain't gonna be no dirty ass whore!! LOL
 huggablekiss
Joined: 3/21/2009
Msg: 125
How many is too many?
Posted: 7/20/2009 5:58:54 PM
Your quote: "When you give yourself over, repeatedly, to the natural effects that are the biological fallout of sexual intimacy, you are or have, diminshed the likely hood of being able to establish a necessary bond for long term emotional and physical intimacy".

The only time when things diminishes is when your partner doesn't treat you properly, abuses you verbally and physically, when partners do not communicate in resolving their problems together, and doesn't try to compromise. It is a false statement to say several sexual partners does not diminish the likely hood of being able to bond for long term intimacy where both benefit emotionally and physically and this falsity can be validated when both couples want similar things, have similar values, are physically and emotionally respecting of each other (taking care of each other).

Doubt occurs when you listen to other people's own values (morals), and leaves you with self-doubt and fear (where self-doubt and fear is not valid), but to follow your own principles (values/morals because we each have them) and conduct your actions in which you consider risk to your health and that's why I said both get tested if you both want to engage sex with each other. However, if it's somethng important which risks the health of another individual, then a person has a right to know even without asking (this is not out of courtesy, it is a law).
 huggablekiss
Joined: 3/21/2009
Msg: 126
How many is too many?
Posted: 7/20/2009 6:15:21 PM
You've taken on more of this man's philosophy of which has been stated "His philosophy has not fared quite as well". Hrmm......I would not read all those philosophical readings, it might just confuse your own and maybe take you over.

Experience life, that's what it's there for, your freedom and self expression expressed and though we each have boundaries of which only you would know what those are because it is you who know yourself better than anyone else (these boundaries are in itself called principles, morals, values, integrity).
 manchester81
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 127
How many is too many?
Posted: 7/20/2009 6:24:34 PM

There use to be a saying, "when you have sex with someone, you're having sex with everyone that person had sex with." Sounds right to me. So, not only would I have to worry about the women I've slept with, I also have to worry about the men she has slept with as well. Oh, let me off this merry-go-round, I'm getting light headed


But if you are going to use that logic, shouldn't you also count the number of partner's her partners had before her, and the number of partner's their partners had before them, and the number of.......
Unless we limit ourselves to virgins, the numbers can get really high. ...
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 130
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How many is too many?
Posted: 7/20/2009 6:58:33 PM

MsMicki: Only insecure people are worried about the number of sexual partners their SO have had."


chadcuba: Only a total whore who is complete trash would say something like this. LOL Yes it does matter how many people you've been with because what guy wants to be walking around with some whore who's been with the whole town?? What an embarrassment and a disgrace to the guy. If i'm gonna be with a girl and call her my "lady" she ain't gonna be no dirty ass whore!! LOL



That would be me you just called a "a total whore who is complete trash" ......
and I'll take that "label" over the picture you just painted of yourself with that statement.
and thank you for reinforcing my statement for me!!
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 139
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/10/2009 2:37:42 PM
futureshock wrote:
A 30 year old woman could have 12 partners, all from year long relationships, having her first boyfriend at 18. That doesn't sound very "slutty" to me.


Do you really think that a year long affair is a long relationship? At one year, you are only just beginning a long term relationship. When I think lf long term I'm in the arena of 5-10 years, and that is just the warm up. A real ltr is on the order of 20 years to life.

TK
{don't talk long term until we're talking more years than your average sentence for manslaughter}
 spitfire6844
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 141
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/10/2009 3:04:37 PM

Disease free she may be. But each partner increases the risk. Its like dropping your cookie on the floor. If you grab it with in 10 seconds its ok.


LOL. No.....It's not like dropping your cookie on the floor. It's called going to Med-Stop and having an STD panel done. You'll get quick results (sometimes same-day). It's inexpensive, and most insurance plans will cover it. Anyone who even thinks about balking at testing is not someone I'd make love with.

It's pointless to ask about former partners. Few people will give you an accurate history, for a number of reasons. You'll either hear a lie (or several lies) and still won't know what the partner really did; or one will hear something approaching the truth that may not fit one's expectations or liking. It's also pointless because it's in the past--any recounting of past relationships is a one-sided whitewash of what really happened. I want a woman to leave the past behind when she's with me.

What's far more important is "Will you get tested for STDs without any hesitation?"
 WalkingInLondon
Joined: 2/21/2005
Msg: 143
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/10/2009 4:05:25 PM
LOL, remember that article Cosmo came out with years ago? It said that if a man asked you how many partners you had slept with, to always answer 'three' because that was all the male ego could take.
From some of the posts, I see the writers at Cosmo were onto something.

So instead of my usual answer of 'that is personal, and all tht matters is that I'm with you now', I'm gonna say 'Three'.
Yeah, that'll work.
Beth
 WalkingInLondon
Joined: 2/21/2005
Msg: 147
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/11/2009 1:25:25 AM
Cosmo may be a terrible magazine to get advice from, but they do have a point at times...if you don't believe me, go to the Advice Forum and look at the thread where some poor girl confessed that she had 83 partners before her fiance. There are hundreds of posters bashing her and calling her a 'slut'. They don't know this woman, nor do they know her circumstances, but they feel quite ready to cast judgement upon her character and lifestyle.
She is in a committed relationship, ready to get married, and felt trusting enough to 'confess' that she had had 83 partners before her fiance. Everyone is casting stones at her, but no one is saying a thing (other than me) about her fiance betraying her trust and broadcasting her past to everyone. Am I really the only one that sees something wrong with this?
I really don't care how many people my boyfriend has slept with. What matters to me is that he is healthy, faithful, and loves me. His past is just that, his past. My past is the same, my past. All my past lovers did was help me discover myself better, what I like and don't like. That experience helps me know how better to please myself and my boyfriend now.
I ask the question here, like I've asked in other threads, how many partners does it take to earn the title 'Slut'?
Beth
 Bookbelle
Joined: 10/24/2008
Msg: 149
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/11/2009 4:51:24 AM
I'm a standard 19 year old!

Before POF, I'd only ever had one boyfriend... kissing was as far as that went.
Seeing someone now thanks to POF... I'm "still" a virgin, not that it bothers me.

Meh, I think it's subjective. However many people like... as long as they did it because THEY wanted to, not because they think they "should" or somesuch.
 alwaysatwork
Joined: 7/5/2008
Msg: 150
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/11/2009 9:36:38 AM
To goodwitchbeth, I have an answer to your question..
"How many partners does it take to earn the title 'Slut'?"
It is not actually a number of partners that makes a girl a slut, it is her actions. I have had friends that have slept with alot of guys and unless they had told me, I would have never guessed. Also, I have had some friends that have only had 2-5 partners and try to get with every good looking man around. But, here's the example I want to give of someone who, in my eyes, deserves the title....I know a (grown) woman that is married, has kids and acts very "prude"(almost to the point of being a tomboy) during the daytime, but every time we go out, she drinks, flashes her top, and makes out with everything in site. She has not had very many sexual partners, but her actions state that she would like to give it out like Halloween candy. But, best believe that if her man shows up where we are, her actions are different.
So, I say to the men....
Stop worrying about what a woman did before meeting you and be more concerned with what she is doing after meeting you.
 NightHawk2005
Joined: 3/11/2009
Msg: 152
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/11/2009 12:29:27 PM
For me personally, any higher than one in my life is too many. I'm not sure how many would be too many for a potential wife to have had in her life. I'd need to know what the circumstances were and decide on that basis. As long as it was only with someone she truly loved, I could be forgiving.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 156
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/11/2009 5:08:09 PM
I'm with kthyg.........the "man of my dreams" isn't the type of man that would be so insecure that he would have to ask!!
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 160
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/11/2009 6:15:16 PM

If a man is not ok with my numbers than he isn't the man of my dreams. The man of my dreams will accet me for who I am including any past. Real connections wont be stopped by things that really aren't important


They're not important to you because you already whored it up and want given a pass on it. Men that were never interested in whoring it up don't want relationships with retired sluts.



I'm with kthyg.........the "man of my dreams" isn't the type of man that would be so insecure that he would have to ask!!


See above.


ASSume much?
Just because I don't think my "number" isn't anyone's business doesn't mean my "number" is high....or that I've "whored it up".
Once again, resorting to judgemental name calling just because you can't come up with a mature, reasonable response says more about your character than it ever will mine.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 171
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/12/2009 5:02:38 AM

No... insecure is being afraid to ask because you're afraid of the answer...
so you just 'accept' it and hope for the best.... pathetic...


I'll give you the first half of your statement.....
but the "pathetic" part, IMO, is needing to ask to start with.
I'm not ashamed of my "number", far from it actually ......mainly because it isn't near as high as you "ASSume" it is just because I don't see it as anyone's business...
If a man really feels the need to know......I'll tell him. But he probably just ruined his chances with me by asking.....because, for me, "asking" is a red flag to a "type" I'm not interested in.

The assumptions around here are ridiculous. Amazing to me how so many men automatically think a woman is/has been a "whore" just because she thinks her past is her own business.
If I told you I think drug testing to work at McDonalds is wrong.....would you ASSume
I did drugs?
If I told you I think Obama has no business being President.........would you ASSume
I'm a racist?
Quit reading between lines that aren't there.
 krookie
Joined: 10/2/2007
Msg: 173
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/12/2009 7:12:11 AM
It would seem that both sides of this argument are adamant about persuading the other side to "see the light". Too many...not enough...more than me... It's really pretty simple.

"Those who don't want to tell"

Absolutely fine. But you can't get upset with someone who will leave because of that fact. Also, if that someone becomes upset with your non-disclosure, you certainly have the right to walk away.

"Those who do want to tell or know"

Also fine. But you can't get upset with someone who will NOT disclose the information. You ALSO have the right to walk away and they have their RIGHT to privacy.


The problem seems to be that people treat this as an "I'm right and you're wrong" situation when it should be treated as a compatability issue. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. Each person lives their own life and the consequences of their actions...or non-actions, as the case may be. No one has the right to dictate to others what they should or should not do...or who they should or should not be.

There's way too much life to live and way too many people out there to live it with to be stuck trying to mold someone into something they are not. Find someone who fits!
 spitfire6844
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 176
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History
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/12/2009 8:15:54 AM
For those who think it's important to know a partner's history, the real question is: what are you going to do with the information once you get it? What if the number of exes is 100? 500? 1000? Are you going to sit there with a poker-face even if you're surprised? That wouldn't be an honest reaction. Suppose an SO trashes all her/his exes and makes them all out to be creeps or losers? Are you just going to agree like a sycophant and let her or him wallow in the victim role? Do you know that you're getting the whole truth? No. What if you hear an account of a downright crazy relationship? Can you go back and fix that or make it better? No.

The answer is: there's nothing one can do about the past. What one is doing when he delves into histories is allowing the partner to pull the junk from the past into what should be relationship-building conversations. It's pointless. Instead of building their own rapport with the SO based on the present, some people allow the exes (or, more precisely, their partner's imperfect recollections of the exes) to intrude upon their relationships and stink them up. That's exactly what happens.

It's a waste of time to delve into the past---especially concerning numbers. At best, those conversations will neither improve nor damage the current relationship. At worst, you'll become the partner's "therapist" or sounding board for the f├╣cked up past, instead of being a companion for an upbeat present and future. There's also the possibility that you'll be disgusted by what you hear, even though it was years ago and the partner is an entirely different person now. Why allow mistakes made long ago to influence your opinion of the SO? Focus on the partner as she or he is now, and not what may or may not have happened in the past (including numbers of ex-partners, details, etc.)
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 183
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History
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/12/2009 12:07:13 PM

The answer is: there's nothing one can do about the past.


Actually, this is wrong. Completely.
Almost everything we do is predicated on the past; learning from it, primarily. The past, because it precedes everything has this tendency to influence what comes later. It is, then, from our own past that we learn who we are. It is, then, from the past of others that we learn who they are and what choices they are likely to make in their future. And while we might no be able to 100% say who we will be, we can infer who we will likely be. That is one reason why we study the past.


It's a waste of time to delve into the past

Is it? The only folk that I know who say such stupid, inane things are those who wish to hide the past and desire to be insulated from the consequences of their past. Folk who live decent lives don't feel thay need to exclude their past from current or future scrutiny.

In life, as in most every thing, there is always cause and effect.

TK
{living our lives as if they will be examined by future generations is a worthwhile exercise}
 spitfire6844
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 184
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History
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/12/2009 1:22:10 PM
Many of the people who want to sit around and talk about past relationships are those who want to take short-cuts in developing rapport in their current relationships. They're playing detective or analyst, which are not good roles to indulge in healthy relationships. There are no short-cuts to intimacy. Most of the information you get from those relationship-history "talks" is, at best, neutral; and at worst, negative. Doesn't tell you a thing about your SO. You're only going to learn what someone's really about as you continue to see that person.

There is plenty to talk about (including the relevant past such as platonic experiences, skills learned, places travelled, friends, etc.) without devolving into past exes. You're going to learn a lot more about someone by learning how they spend their time; what they like to do; what they're good at, etc., than by what she says about exes. Those statements are often self-justifying and usually at least somewhat inaccurate.

It's waste of time to delve into the past (and by the past, of course, I mean past relationships, as the context of the thread would indicate). Obviously, no one is saying that one's entire past should be off-limits for discussion.



The past, because it precedes everything has this tendency to influence what comes later.


You can't predict what's going to "come later" based on subjective, inaccurate accounts of personal relationship histories. What you are hearing from an SO regarding past relationships is not identical to what actually happened. It's often not even close to what really happened. People (both genders) are often not objective while discussing past sex partners and exes--including just the prospect of revealing an accurate number of exes. People tend to be much more objective and accurate concerning their vocational history; or what their hobbies are; or where they have lived; or whom their platonic friends were/are; but few people are anywhere near objective concerning their relationship history. So, you're not learning anything useful enough in order to be able to predict how past relationships are influencing your SO's present behavior. It's unreliable information.

You're much better off observing your SO's current behavior and speech on their own merits.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 194
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History
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/12/2009 6:59:56 PM
thank you for proving my point MChurch!
People want to read between lines & then judge based on their own assumptions.


MsMicki:If I told you I think drug testing to work at McDonalds is wrong.....would you ASSume I did drugs?



MChurch: Not neccesarily, but I might infer that you worked in a low playing restaurant... So I might ask...


if you had any idea how much that comment cracked me up
Talk about leaping to conclusions!
Not that there is anything wrong with working at McD's or any other restaurant (funny how you throw in "low paying").......but the fact that you "inferred" that just because I made a comment about it....is exactly my point!

This is why people should stay out of other people's past. Without knowing all the details, it is human nature to "fill in the blanks" with your own theories.
Yes, as times goes by in a relationship.......we should get comfortable enough with each other to reveal things from our past. But some things are just best left in the past.
Do you really need to know I had a one night stand w/ a bartender in 1986? Is that information going to make or break our relationship? Will you understand "Why" I felt the need to do it? ...or will I have to suddenly feel guilty because it now affects you?

Yesterday is done........it does not dictate my tomorrow.
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