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 WalkingInLondon
Joined: 2/21/2005
Msg: 214
How many is too many?Page 4 of 23    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23)
Fat ugly women get pregnant more often than thin attractive ones do? What study are you looking at? LOL
Seems to me I remember it was the cute girls in school and college who always seemed to get pregnant, they were the ones dating the 'macho' guys who for some reason refused to use condoms and they themselves were too stupid to get on birth control themselves. So they ended up dropping out of school while their football playing boyfriends went on, got educations, and degrees, all while partying it up at the fraternity parties while their pregnant girlfriends were at home alone. If they felt 'obligated' to marry the girl, they ended up working at her father's car lot, or business and feeling totally trapped. All the while the wifey stayed at home, pumped out a few more kids, and tried to pretend she was living the American dream.
Fast forward ten years, and there they are at the class reunion, kids in tow, he's got a beer gut now, she is doing her best to maintain some semblance of her former good looks, all while dragging around two or three screaming kids.
Oh, but they didn't have a lot of sexual partners before they got together. She may have slept with one, maybe two guys before him, and he had about the same...until they married that is. Then he got really bored with the whole husband role, and started sleeping with every barfly and secretary that would give him the time of day. She started having an affair with the loser down the block that mows their lawn, because he actually pays her attention when the kids are down for a nap in the afternoons.
Isn't that just lovely? Aren't they living the American dream, the ideal we all reach for?
No thanks, I'll pass.
But I digress. Back to the topic at hand, if you don't want to get a 'fat chick' pregnant, use a condom. Same as with any other woman.
Sorry, just got off the phone with a friend in this situation.
The whole thing sucks.
Beth
 spitfire6844
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 215
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/14/2009 5:15:28 PM

it would partially affect my decision on whether or not I continute to see her.


Those who want to know a number are basing this important decision (whether to continue and develop the relationship) on the past, rather than on the present. Grilling a girl for a number leads to a pejorative judgment on her character. Frankly, based on the limitless kinds of scenarios in which a woman can have sex, it requires a lot of assumptions in order to view a partner-number as a major factor in relationship decision-making.



I wouldn't really care to know about specific sexual acts exactly, but I will say this. I would want her to do anything with me she did with a past guy if it was something I enjoyed. Why would I want to settle for a woman that wasn't interested in pleasing me but satisfied a past partner in every way possible?


The comparison game is a brutal one---brutal to the prospect of any intimacy. You can't make useful comparisons without knowing the specifics of what she did with other dudes. Who cares what happened with some other guy? You've replaced him. You should want all her focus on you. You don't want her trying to recall (or trying to lie about) what she did with some ex so you can have her duplicate that with you. The goal is to make it so she rarely thinks about the past. Look, digging into the past tends to bring her old pain, her old chaos, and her old garbage right into the middle of what you're trying to build with the girl. Recalling the past can taint the current. It stinks it up.

It's only voyeurism or insecurity that prompts the "how many?" question. It won't help to build the relationship or to increase rapport.
 2HEDZ
Joined: 3/16/2005
Msg: 218
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/14/2009 9:05:14 PM

I had enough respect for the future Mrs. TK that she did not and never had any reason to think I was comparing her to any one else I could have slept with


so you didnt sleep with anyone else because of your future wife's possible insecurities? thats pretty lame. in fact your whole post seems to be what you tell yourself to justify the fact that you couldnt find too many women who would let you have sex with them.

nobody says you have to sleep with a "train of women" but its stupid to think any less of someone who chooses to do so. in fact in my experience the people who have problems with others having multiple sex partners are mostly expressing jealousy and a typical sour grapes attitude. i'm, sure you will reply that you could have had your choice of scores of beautiful women but i'm not buying it.

kthyg has made a valid point. women can have way more sexual partners than a man if she so chooses. you may not like it but its a fact. women get propositioned multiple times on a weekly and sometimes even daily basis. guys whistle at them, lean out a car window and yell at them, etc. and as we've all witnessed the majority of women dont respond favorably to these types of advances.

most men do not receive this same type of attention from women but if they did i'm sure a higher percentage of men would accept those propositions than women currently do now.

i dont understand what the issue is with having a high number of sexual partners. if i fall in love with a woman and she treats me well and loves me well she would still be the same person if i later found out she slept with 100 guys or just 1.
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 220
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/14/2009 9:50:43 PM
2HEDZ wrote:
so you didnt sleep with anyone else because of your future wife's possible insecurities? thats pretty lame. in fact your whole post seems to be what you tell yourself to justify the fact that you couldnt find too many women who would let you have sex with them.

nobody says you have to sleep with a "train of women" but its stupid to think any less of someone who chooses to do so. in fact in my experience the people who have problems with others having multiple sex partners are mostly expressing jealousy and a typical sour grapes attitude. i'm, sure you will reply that you could have had your choice of scores of beautiful women but i'm not buying it.

kthyg has made a valid point. women can have way more sexual partners than a man if she so chooses. you may not like it but its a fact. women get propositioned multiple times on a weekly and sometimes even daily basis. guys whistle at them, lean out a car window and yell at them, etc. and as we've all witnessed the majority of women dont respond favorably to these types of advances.

most men do not receive this same type of attention from women but if they did i'm sure a higher percentage of men would accept those propositions than women currently do now.

i dont understand what the issue is with having a high number of sexual partners. if i fall in love with a woman and she treats me well and loves me well she would still be the same person if i later found out she slept with 100 guys or just 1.


2hedz, ya got me. I am unworthy to even be responding to you. I humbly bow down before you in awe of your inanity and irrationality!

TK
{now if you'll excuse me, I need to take a dump, something I read soured my stomach}
 2HEDZ
Joined: 3/16/2005
Msg: 222
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/14/2009 9:59:27 PM

2hedz, ya got me. I am unworthy to even be responding to you.


it takes a big man to know when he's beaten.
 2HEDZ
Joined: 3/16/2005
Msg: 223
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/14/2009 10:19:28 PM

Yep... right up until you end up on the Maury show....


lol. arent you mr. 90%? funny how the guys that are keeping score of their sexual conquests and have a problem with people who have multiple partners refrain from posting a profile pic. i guess its so all those women who find you irresistable will not overload your inbox with requests for sex.

give me a break.

guys like you are the reason some women have to lie about their sexual past to begin with.
 spitfire6844
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 229
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/15/2009 7:03:01 PM
It's a question I used to ask girls when I was in my teens and early twenties. What I found is that numbers of partners have nothing to do with how compatible I was with a woman or what kind of woman she was. What I also found is that, for many girls, the question did seem to put them on the spot. It didn't matter whether their number was lower or higher. It can be an awkward question for women in general. "Well, why do you want to know?" "Are you going to judge me now?" The downward spiral commences from there.

The famous axiom in psychology is that past behavior tends to predict future behavior; but, when it comes to this particular subject, that axiom doesn't bear out. As stated before, you're better off observing patterns in the partner's current behavior, or talking with the SO's friends or relatives. That yields more useful information.
 2HEDZ
Joined: 3/16/2005
Msg: 234
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/16/2009 7:47:22 AM

The truth of it is that women who have a high number see sex as more of a casual activity than an intimate one. Cheating for them then carries less emotional relevance. If sex isnt tied to love and intimacy then they dont have to find those things first in order to cheat. Cheating becomes just a physical act with no importance. So cheating for a person with high numbers is probably very easy to do. Whats one more person?


how would you know this unless you yourself engaged in this kind of behavior? you're making judgements based on your own personal prejudices. you're making blanket statements as if all this talk of a high sex count were anything more than subjective.

well it isnt. the fact is a high sex count is just someone's opinion of what "high" means. its just a number. nobody is knocking you or anyone else who chooses to not engage in sexual experiences outside your numerical comfort zone but it sucks when you have preconceived notions about someone just because they didnt choose your favorite number.
 spitfire6844
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 235
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/16/2009 8:01:22 AM

I've noticed that for the most part that if we were talking cheating (and you can look at almost every thread on cheating to confirm) the axiom is "Once a cheater, always a cheater"...
Yet, as soon as we're talking past sexual history all of a sudden the past is irrelevant and shouldn't be considered a reflection of who the person is now...


Apples and oranges. Cheating is cheating, and body-counts are body-counts. Having a certain threshold number of total partners (in my experience) doesn't indicate a predilection for infidelity. That's another one of those pejorative judgments that was discussed earlier. The thread is not about cheating.

People who cheat (again, in my experience) do tend to continue cheating in subsequent relationships. That's true. But, it does not follow from that observation that women with a high body-count will continue to rack up big numbers. People can have a large number of partners at a certain phase of life; but it's not predictive of anything in the future.

Asking for a body-count is a dead-end.
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 236
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/16/2009 9:46:11 AM
^What spitfire said.

Cheating is another issue entirely. There are people who view sex depending upon context: it's a casual act in the context of a one-night stand, and an expression of love in an intimate relationship, for instance. Higher numbers can mean more one-night stands, sure, but that doesn't mean someone who's had a lot of one-night stands won't take a commitment seriously once they make that commitment.

What someone does sexually with no commitment in place is a poor basis for judging how well they will honor a commitment once they do make one.
 rj2360
Joined: 5/3/2008
Msg: 237
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/16/2009 12:11:12 PM
You can have as many as you can afford or that can afford to have you. It's all relative
 krookie
Joined: 10/2/2007
Msg: 238
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/16/2009 3:46:14 PM

What someone does sexually with no commitment in place is a poor basis for judging how well they will honor a commitment once they do make one.


This is EXACTLY why this question keeps getting asked over and over and over... It would seem this comment is an indication of someone who makes a clear distinction between having sex just to have sex and having sex in the context of a committed relationship. That's one view.

The polarizing other view is of someone who cannot figure out why people do that. This view is of someone who only desires to have sex IN the context of a committed relationship and views it as more than just a "feels good" physical act.

While the first person would seem to be able to disassociate the act from the emotions, the second person cannot simply put the emotions away. This person will almost always disagree with the quoted comment above.

I don't think either one is "right" or "wrong". You have to make your own choice for who you want to be. But I don't think either side will EVER sway the other.
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 240
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/16/2009 6:03:59 PM
krookie, I think you're very much right on that.

m_church, I'm not sure what your point is. For context, I was talking about people who made a commitment to exclusivity with each other (and I assume where there's a commitment, both people are aware of what that commitment is; any situation where that's not the case is a whole other mess).
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 241
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/16/2009 10:18:38 PM
As with many of the other words used by posters in this thread, the use of 'commitment' has meaning only to the poster. For some it's code for a relationship that's meant to last a life time: for others it's intent is limited to those relations where the two parties involved agree to not shag anyone else for the few hours or weeks they desire to remain together (and 'committed').

TK
{yeah, a little harsh, but at least you know where I stand in this discussion}
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 243
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/17/2009 8:02:57 AM
Oh, please, there is no conflict in what I wrote with that of the previous poster. In fact, all I pointed out was that in the vacuity of the "don't ask, don't tell" shaggers, commitment and exclusivity come across as momentary ideas of convenience. A man or woman with large numbers under the shag column has no idea what exclusive or committed mean. To those folk getting horizontal is a solitary goal in life and come across as incapable of establishing anything more substantial than an attempt at a serious relationship.

TK
 xlr8ingmargo
Joined: 7/28/2009
Msg: 247
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/17/2009 10:13:33 AM
WOW. What a conversation. I've had too many partners to want to remember them all but have had two life relationships with men I loved and now have passed. Life is fun, my children are grown and gone, and I will continue to enjoy men sexually and if I make a commitment to one again, GREAT! If not the candy hanging around sure is sweet!
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 250
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/17/2009 11:44:30 AM

Those who want to know a number are basing this important decision (whether to continue and develop the relationship) on the past, rather than on the present.

Wrong. Someone who evades the question is being evasive in the present.

Grilling a girl for a number leads to a pejorative judgment on her character.

I find it amazing that you really believe you can distort the issue without anyone noticing by using words like ``grilling'' in place of ``asking'' and then assuming the answer will be met with a negative reaction. The way you try to distort the argument leads me to make a much more pergorative judgment on your charachter than any number you could achieve in a lifetime.

Frankly, based on the limitless kinds of scenarios in which a woman can have sex, it requires a lot of assumptions in order to view a partner-number as a major factor in relationship decision-making.

Not really. I would base my decision on whether she was evasive, not the actual answer. Her evasiveness is not an assumption. It's self-evident in the here and now. If a woman asks me, I'll tell her. If she wants a list, I'll give write down a list for her (and try to emsure it's complete). That is far more than I would ever ask a woman to do.
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 251
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/17/2009 12:14:57 PM
I think just like every other preference, this issue is highly subjective and relative to the perspective of whoever is doing the judging.

Some people care, some people don't.

Some people are sluts, some people are prudes.

Some people are habitual cheaters, some people have eyes only for their SO.

Most people are somewhere inbetween.

If someone's preference is to hopefully find someone with lower number of parners (like I look for), that is not going to change.

Just like it won't change if someone does not care.

However, to call one side -wrong- for their view is silly.

And I have to say, it's like of like the old saying, "Not all smokers are losers, but almost all losers smoke."

I would say, "Not all promiscuous people are cheaters, but almost all cheaters are promiscuous."

Soo.... live and let live. Date how you want to date... and realize that arguing about something like this on the internet is pointless... because it's an emotional issue. Emotional and moral issues cannot be argued logically.
 xlr8ingmargo
Joined: 7/28/2009
Msg: 252
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/17/2009 12:15:50 PM
Well then I believe you are a little too honest. It's just sex for crying out loud; we all do it. You just might scare off a great girl in the process. Men on the other hand are much more sexually open minded. If a man really wants to know I guess I can try to remember most but why? Would it change the way a man feels about me? If a mere number does than he needs to hit the road.
 spitfire6844
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 254
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/17/2009 3:32:16 PM

I find it amazing that you really believe you can distort the issue without anyone noticing by using words like ``grilling'' in place of ``asking'' and then assuming the answer will be met with a negative reaction.


I've seen women get grilled by their b/fs on this question in public. I was right there when it happened on three occasions. Women don't commonly come up with an answer to the question instantly---they have to be primed for it. There are also women for whom the "how many" question will be uncomfortable even when they haven't been with many guys in a lifetime. Obviously, dudes have no discomfort answering these type of questions. Men and women are different in this area as well as other areas.


Not really. I would base my decision on whether she was evasive, not the actual answer.


Many women can seem evasive when they are merely made embarrassed or uncomfortable by a line of questioning. I've double-checked women whom I thought sure (from their body-language) were lying. Turned out that they were telling the truth, and merely made uncomfortable by certain questions. Reading someone's body language is not a reliable method of discerning character.


Look......it's a dead-end. One is not going to get useful information from asking a girl the "how many?" question. Any answer (whether true or false) will be devoid of contextual meaning regarding the past, as well as being devoid of relevance as to an SOs present mind-set. You'll get much more reliable information and insight by observing someone's present behavior and speech.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 255
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/17/2009 4:01:29 PM

If a man really wants to know I guess I can try to remember most but why?

The question always seems to come up in a conversation at some point. Maybe I'm just weird because I don't care about the answer but I do care about having the question evaded and wondering why it's a big deal. Perhaps I have just dated women who are curious, since they seem to ask me that question whether I've asked it or not. It seems to me that if you're going to have sex, you ought to at least not be ashamed of it. On the other hand, if a woman decides to evade a question to which she thinks I won't like the answer, I'd figure she would evade any question she didn't want to answer for the same reason.

I've seen women get grilled by their b/fs on this question in public. I was right there when it happened on three occasions.

Then take that up with them. No one mentioned ``grilling'' anyone. It's a simple question.

Women don't commonly come up with an answer to the question instantly---they have to be primed for it.

I don't treat women as being mentally deficient or needing to be ``primed'' (which to me means needing time to find a way to answer in a deceitful fashion and get away with it). Are yoiu telling me you don't know how many men you've slept with? That would be a perfectly acceptable answer. A woman can just say, ``I don't know.''

There are also women for whom the "how many" question will be uncomfortable even when they haven't been with many guys in a lifetime.

Well, I prefer dating women who are comfortable about having had sex a few times so that such things are nothing more than casual conversation.

Obviously, dudes have no discomfort answering these type of questions. Men and women are different in this area as well as other areas.

Discomfort or not, I don't do things that I would not want someone else to know. That way I don't have to spend my life rationalizing and regretting.

Many women can seem evasive when they are merely made embarrassed or uncomfortable by a line of questioning. I've double-checked women whom I thought sure (from their body-language) were lying. Turned out that they were telling the truth, and merely made uncomfortable by certain questions. Reading someone's body language is not a reliable method of discerning character.

Your point is what?

Look......it's a dead-end. One is not going to get useful information from asking a girl the "how many?" question. Any answer (whether true or false) will be devoid of contextual meaning regarding the past, as well as being devoid of relevance as to an SOs present mind-set. You'll get much more reliable information and insight by observing someone's present behavior and speech.

As I've noted in most every post, I wouldn't ask such a question because I wanted to know a number. I ask people questions all the time when what I care about is how the question is answered, not what the answer is. I've gotten lots of useful information that way. It just isn't the information you want to insist it is.
 xlr8ingmargo
Joined: 7/28/2009
Msg: 256
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/17/2009 4:11:16 PM
In my position I have buried both the men I adored and loved in life. I really don't want to remember other men I have been with. I want to enjoy life as it comes without regrets. I am taking life by the horns and going for the ride and it is wonderful. I'd rather cherish my good memories. It's not about tricking someone; I'm 45 for crying out loud. I've been with a lot of men and I admit it. People have different life experiences. I'd rather respect the dead men I LOVED and choose to remember THEM.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 257
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/17/2009 4:13:04 PM
I'm curious Ab.....
if a girl answered ....without any hesitation....."I don't think that's any of your business".....
Would she get another date w/ you?
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 259
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/17/2009 6:29:32 PM

if a girl answered ....without any hesitation....."I don't think that's any of your business".....
Would she get another date w/ you?

No. My business is whatever I want it to be. If a woman doesn't like that, she doesn't have to date me. I've dated an escort before, so you can't attribute that to me caring what number she might actually tell me.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 260
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/17/2009 6:53:16 PM

Abelian: Are yoiu telling me you don't know how many men you've slept with? That would be a perfectly acceptable answer. A woman can just say, ``I don't know.''


I don't know is a perfectly acceptable answer.......but none of your business isn't.

I repeat.......those that are doing the asking.....seem to have more issues than those being asked and not answering.
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