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 spitfire6844
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 263
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How many is too many?Page 5 of 23    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23)
Your point is what?


How someone answers the "numbers" question is as irrelevant as what the number actually is. There is no useful, reliable information to be gained from any body-language she exhibits while answering the question, nor from the answer itself.

How does a numbers exchange enhance a relationship? We've established that body-language tells us nothing. An "evasive" quality can often be some other quality misread. Maybe the goal is merely to put someone on the spot and provoke a response to juice up the conversation. If another motive for the question can't be defined more clearly, then it becomes a matter of whether or not the motive is merely voyeuristic or provocative.

My big, provocative question would be "Are you disease-free?" That's the kind of question (backed up by test results) which is also useful to a relationship.
 hungry_joe
Joined: 6/24/2006
Msg: 265
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/17/2009 7:43:09 PM
I'm not boasting but stating a fact. I couldn't give an honest answer. I stopped counting some time ago.I don't look at my ladies as trophies on the wall so it isn't worth tracking. I'm still waiting to have the one that I wake up to, and know will be there till they day I die.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 266
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/17/2009 8:04:26 PM

Awww...Ms Micki, I have to disagree with you here.

"I don't know", is an admission.
"None of your business", is a barrier.

I have asked, and been asked, this question before. I find it reveals quite a bit about a person's attitude towards sex, regardless of the number being high or low...


I would never consider asking someone this.......I honestly believe it reeks of insecurity. A man could have slept w/ 80 women and still be a lousy lover!
A woman could have only slept with one man her entire life......but give the greatest head around! Numbers don't tell you what's important......like are they a cheater or a liar or an abuser.
and I don't look at "none of your business" as a barrier........I look at it as a fact.
My sexual history, along with my non sexual history is mine to share if I choose.
It is not anyone's "right" to know it.....therefore....it's none of their business!!
Would you ask a date how many times a week he/she masturbates?
That can tell ya alot about someone too.......but I can't see too many people asking a potential partner this. It's personal business.

I prefer to "judge" my mates on how they treat me in the here and now.
Not how they treated any other woman before me.
And I expect the same in return.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 268
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/17/2009 8:38:38 PM
I don't know is a perfectly acceptable answer.......but none of your business isn't.

If you don't know then you don't know. I'm not asking someone to make up a number.

I repeat.......those that are doing the asking.....seem to have more issues than those being asked and not answering.

You can believe anything you want. I'll do what I do and if a woman doesn't like it, no one is forcing her to date me.

It is not anyone's "right" to know it.....therefore....it's none of their business!!

That is partially correct. It's no one's right to know anything about you. It's also not your right to insist that someone date you if he chooses to make it his business or not date you and you disagree with him. I can put whatever price I want on dating me and I do not complain about anyone who feels like the price is too high.

Would you ask a date how many times a week he/she masturbates?

For some reason, that seems to be interesting mostly to women. If I were asked (and I have been asked) I would answer the question. Why? Does that seem like another big deal? I've been asked more personal questions from women on pof the first time they've sent me a message. So what?

 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 269
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/17/2009 8:41:26 PM

How someone answers the "numbers" question is as irrelevant as what the number actually is. There is no useful, reliable information to be gained from any body-language she exhibits while answering the question, nor from the answer itself.

I've already explained that to you, but you are apparently incapable of grasping the concept that what is being asked and answered extends beyond the obvious.
 spitfire6844
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 270
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/17/2009 9:02:25 PM

I've already explained that to you, but you are apparently incapable of grasping the concept that what is being asked and answered extends beyond the obvious.



Your argument revolves around this claim of being able to pinpoint and learn from the "evasiveness" of someone's answer. That's your entire position. I answered that contention more than once.
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 273
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/17/2009 9:40:59 PM
For the most part,

I agree with Abelian almost 100% on this issue.


I have ALWAYS asked this question, and without fail, the girls who were weird about answering it, or evasive had serious issues (in my eyes) and were not compatible with me.


That is all.
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 276
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/17/2009 9:51:49 PM
Yeah I'm Abelian and I usually don't see eye to eye either...

But on this issue, I don't really have much to add after his posts.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 277
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/17/2009 10:04:54 PM
Your argument revolves around this claim of being able to pinpoint and learn from the "evasiveness" of someone's answer. That's your entire position. I answered that contention more than once.

No, you did not answer it. You just said I couldn't do it, but I'm fairly good at it. I own the assets of my business outright because I realized the evasiveness of the person who owned the busineess and hired me indicated he was dishonest. He preferred signing the business over to me rather than the alternative for trying to rip me off even though he never admitted to anything. You may not have much intuition, but some of us do and we utilize it very effectively.

You ask questions like these and it wont matter how many he/she's been with, all sorts of jealous feelings may develop potentially hurting what you might just have with this person who is here and now.

Only if you're insecure. I've never understood the concept that not knowing something alters reality.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 278
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/17/2009 10:12:06 PM

Don't mind if she starts looking into what you have on your pc or on your phone?

No, as a matter of fact I would not care. Every woman I've ever dated has had free run of my place and access to my things. They have always been free to answer my phone and ask who I'm talking to. Anyone I date is free to go through everything I own if that makes her happy. Why would I date someone I wouldn't want looking through my stuff?
 spitfire6844
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 279
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/17/2009 10:14:53 PM

I have to disagree with you there, spitfire. Body language is a key component in observing how or what a person thinks/feels about a question, answer, situation, etc...to discount this is to ignore 85% of what your brain is actually telling you.


People are starting to get off-topic here. Body-language signals are very difficult to interpret even by those trained in that pseudo-science. The average person on the street learns nothing consistent nor useful from body-language cues. It's certain that such signs are clearly observable by most; but the varying interpretations attached to these signs are what make them useless.

Asking a provocative question and then seeing how the target reacts is not a new thing. The average, immature, 12-year-old makes a full-time hobby out of it. That 12-year-old is not learning anything substantive about his schoolmate target---he's just trying to see what the reaction will be.

The "how many" question seems to serve a similar role in an adult setting.
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 280
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/17/2009 10:38:25 PM
divagreen wrote:
I find it reveals quite a bit about a person's attitude towards sex, regardless of the number being high or low...


Finally, a statement in this thread that I can get abso-freakin-lutely behind. This issue of asking and answering the matter of how many does reveal one's attitude toward sex - or more particularly, sexual relationships.

I've made no bones about the fact that my number is all the way up to 1 (and a fraction). Should I ever get married again, that future Mrs. TK will have full access to my past (as it relates to our relationship) as I have nothing to hide. I also expect that we will have frank discussions about sex, expectations, desires, and no go issues. Something I wish I had been a bit more pushy about with the first Mrs. TK.

Should that time ever come her candidness concerning this question would be important, and revealing. Hiding or obfuscating one's past is a serious red flag issue for me. It is as important to me as being on the same page in our world view, faith, and sexual attitudes / mores.

MsMicki wrote:


.those that are doing the asking.....seem to have more issues than those being asked and not answering.


I too dispute this bald faced assertion. Show the evidence that backs up your statement. I've been faithful, true, and open on this matter. Can you say the same. So now, who has the issues? Or is it that you have no actual idea about the men you've had sex with.

Another point that repeatedly comes across from the 'don't ask, can't tell' folk is for some the actual numbers are as enshrouded in mist as is Westen Montana during a winter inversion. Does sex, physical intimacy, mean so little to those of you (women and men) that who you've slept with and when matter so little. It's as if such a sharing is no more important than an itch being scratched.

And there in lies the rub. That is the issue that the 'don't ask, can't tell' brigade fears exposing to light. All this lip service to being able to establish a long term relationship fades away when we examine the past. Barring something miraculous I would no more trust my heart to woman who can not remember past "loves" than I would wake a suckling griz. Again, barring the miraculous, the past is a predictor of the present and a guide to the future.

TK
{I can name every person (for me - a woman) I kissed romantically; can you. They were, and are, important to me.}
 winteragain
Joined: 3/26/2009
Msg: 282
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/17/2009 11:42:34 PM
You can never have too many past partners. What's done is done and ya move on without lookin back. All I'm hoping for is that people never stop humping a lot of people, that way one day someone will develop an immunity to an incurable disease such as HIV. Oh wait there's already prostitutes in Africa that are immune to it but they gotta keep humping to keep the immunity, such is life. Never stop humping for one day you shall cure the world of illness. Anyone know a manwhore that's immune to human papilloma virus? You'll hear about it some day.
 Im an Angelfish
Joined: 5/13/2009
Msg: 283
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/17/2009 11:44:52 PM
I have wondered this myself...I think it's a turn off talking about how many people you have or haven't been with. I don't even tell my BEST friends how many people I been with, actually I try not to think about it! Of course, I'm probably innocent, but I'm not sure and I don't want to sound like a slut, besides we're not in the 10th grade for god's sake who talks about this stuff? I don't like it when a man gives me too much information about his history...but I really hate it when he says, 5! C'mon, you're 35 years old and you been with 5 women? That seems to be their magic number! haha
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 288
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/18/2009 4:42:56 AM

I too dispute this bald faced assertion. Show the evidence that backs up your statement. I've been faithful, true, and open on this matter. Can you say the same. So now, who has the issues? Or is it that you have no actual idea about the men you've had sex with.


Once again, you're proving my point!
You might be extremely surprised at my number.
and Yes, I can say that I have been faithful and true in every relationship I've had.
I have never cheated........never.
For you to ASSume my number is high because I don't think it's anyone business is why I feel the way I do.
Along w/ numbers.......comes alot of ASSumptions.
Being knowledgeable about one's sexuality, having opinions and discussing them in an open forum.......does not mean one has had alot of partners.
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 289
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/18/2009 6:18:01 AM

FWB relationships are a myth. Everyone I know who's ever been in one, one side has wanted more than the other and it turned out ugly every time. My friend is in one as we speak and the woman is a complete psycho.


Not at all. I've known plenty of people with health FWB arrangements. I have a perfectly healthy one right now--if we end up with an emotional disparity, then we'll end it, but as of now it's going well and we're both on the same page.

Mind, the same could be said about relationships--so many of them end up with someone feelings things more strongly than the other person, and so many of them end badly. Clearly they're a bad idea, right?

It depends entirely upon the people involved in whatever relationship form, and not on the form itself. And labeling and judging anyone's sexual expression, so long as they're caring and careful, is an ugly thing to do.
 spitfire6844
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 291
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/18/2009 7:27:13 AM

People have varying reasons for asking this question. Who am I to judge, or be judged?


I respect your opinion on this, although I disagree with it. I think the "how many?" question is an oddball question for an adult to ask another adult. I've given reasons why it might be asked, and none of those reasons involve truly getting to know a partner better. The "body-language" premise is downright silly.

The question is not useful in relating to someone (for reasons I've already given in earlier posts), and it is a little socially inept and boorish. It would be a normal question for a 15-year-old (I asked girls those kinds of questions as a teen), but a little off for a mature, experienced adult. It's the kind of question I would expect someone to ask when they are running out of pertinent things to discuss, and yes, it can be a provocative, uncomfortable question for many women.

There are lots of great things to discuss! Focusing on the here and now will actually create a lot more intimacy and connection between the man and woman.
 xlr8ingmargo
Joined: 7/28/2009
Msg: 292
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/18/2009 8:03:05 AM
Very well said Spitfire! It is a personal choice to have sex and make love with different partners. At my age the last thing I want to know from a man is how many woman he's banged. If I happen to be lucky enough to click and have a relationship with him; I will be the last. That's what matters most. I'd rather discuss how he likes it than how many!
 Jayron1985
Joined: 1/2/2008
Msg: 293
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/18/2009 8:31:23 AM
Anything above zero is definitely way too may LOL

Alright seriously why would anyone worry about that?
Everyone has a past, right??
So just be confident and know that you're good enough to be the last one!!!
 spitfire6844
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 295
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/18/2009 2:44:38 PM
Divagreen: you're arguing just for the sake of arguing. If you're not going to be consistent and try to support your past statements, then there is no basis for an intelligent debate.

Here is a statement from your most recent post:



Divagreen - No one had mentioned body language prior to this. So no one was using this as a premise.


And here is your statement (#291):



Divagreen - Body language is a key component in observing how or what a person thinks/feels about a question, answer, situation, etc...to discount this is to ignore 85% of what your brain is actually telling you.


So, you were relying on the veracity of body-language interpretation as a premise in your reasoning. You just directly contradicted yourself here, and you've also reversed and spun other statements you've made on this thread, so there's no point in discussing it with you.




And let us have a POF moment of silence, because on this one issue, TK, Abelian, M_Church, Realitybites, and myself actually agree on something.


Who cares? You five are in the minority on this issue, as the thread clearly shows. Don't expect the world to come to an end because You Five agree on something. Moment of silence??.....what deluded arrogance.
 hungry_joe
Joined: 6/24/2006
Msg: 296
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/18/2009 2:45:17 PM
I don't ask the question, I'm of the philosophy more mystery less history. As grown adults we have a expectation that we've been with other partners. I just don't wish to share my lady while in a commited relationship. If we can have this, trust and mutual respect the number is pointless. Heck, she might show me a thing or two, or vice versa.
 spitfire6844
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 298
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How many is too many?
Posted: 8/19/2009 1:12:59 PM
The debate is over and done with. Anyone can read my posts (and those of others) throughout the thread which clearly establish why the "how many?" question is rather pointless and vacuous. Asking the question certainly doesn't add anything to a budding relationship. If I have time later, I might summarize some of my main points; but the case has been presented fairly well.




And stop winking at me unless you are flirting...otherwise, it is just annoying.


Stop sending me private emails unless you are flirting....otherwise, it is just annoying---along with that diva-sized arrogance which seems to ooze out of you.
 harmonyharvest
Joined: 7/28/2008
Msg: 300
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/23/2009 6:31:38 PM
NightHawk2005
RE; I'd need to know what the circumstances were and decide on that basis. And then you wrote: As long as it was only with someone she truly loved, I could be forgiving.

I get the sense that even if it was NOT with someone that she truly loved, but had a valid explanation, that you would give a lady forgiveness; as you first typed that you would need to know the circumstances.

If it was with someone she truly loved you would be forgiving? And what exactly does she need to be forgiving to you for? If she shares the same beliefs as you, is it not God that would be forgiving of her? I could see how her past may possibly affect you, but to be forgiving to you, when having sex with another was done before she even met you. I don't get that one.

I have had sexual partners in my past and now I am waiting until marriage. However, I would not need my fiance to be able to forgive me. What I did was in my past and would not require forgiveness from my partner. Please explain why your partner would need to be forgiven to you?
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 301
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/23/2009 7:01:22 PM

I think the "how many?" question is an oddball question for an adult to ask another adult. I've given reasons why it might be asked, and none of those reasons involve truly getting to know a partner better. The "body-language" premise is downright silly.

I believe you are the one failing to be an adult. You are using the most transparent of adolescent ploys when you inject your rather personal notion of adults are supposed to talk about. Based on what you've posted in this thread, I would never consider you datable. YOu have consistently ignored the reasons you've been given for asking that question, so to avoid further prevarication on your part, I'll just say that I'll ask a woman ANYTHING I feel like asking and the fastest way for her to have me decide to to not date her would be to try to second guess what she thinks I want to hear or to tell me it's none of my business. Your answers in this thread epitomize the deceitful behaviour I will never tolerate from a partner.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 303
How many is too many?
Posted: 8/23/2009 9:41:07 PM
spitfire,

I've given reasons why it might be asked, and none of those reasons involve truly getting to know a partner better. The "body-language" premise is downright silly.

I think that you could read how COMFORTABLE they are with their real "number" by reading their body language after asked the question. I think someone who's an over-25 virgin and someone who has guilt about their # being too high may react the same way. However, with that said, if anyone is comfortable with their # but feels that it's an unfair question to ask, you're not going to get a lot out of it.

You won't know more about someone necessarily by getting their #. It BEGS for stereotyping. Someone may be accused of being a prude because they're 30 and have only slept with 2 people.... or the opposite that they are craving for sexual fun because it's only been 2 and it's an early mid-life crisis after a divorce. Another would be considered a forever-slut because they're 30 and have slept with 30.

It's personal -- it's a lot like asking how many girls have you fingered? How many girls have you made out with? How many women have you unable to give an orgasm to when going down on them? How many times have you lied about being sick to get out of work? How many times do you jerk off in a week?

We'd like to know the answers to all these questions about just about everyone, sure... but it's pretty unfair to ask while demanding (honest) answers.
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