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 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 3
She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?Page 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Too long dude, also it reeks of self pity.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 28
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She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/10/2009 12:08:01 PM
You need to listen to what she is saying as well as what she does. The not good enough for you, that either tells you that she will always keep that notion between you or that you will spend your time assuring her that she does have the worth to be with you.

You can enjoy it for what it's worth but it isn't going anywhere, period. If you enjoy her company and don't care whether it evolves to long term, keep seeing her.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 33
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She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/10/2009 2:07:02 PM

(She also has my electric piano keyboard and my laptop. Should I take that opportunity to ask for them back? Or let her keep borrowing them as friends?)

Get them back first, she may not really want you whether she even knows what she wants or not, but some people will still be vindictive if you have the temerity to reject her.

Of course it is easier said than done, you like her, but you deserve someone who isn't jerking you around and she definitely is because she thinks you aren't going anywhere.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 42
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She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/10/2009 4:03:59 PM
I was a commitment phobic sort when I first met my sweetie; I refused to be committed and I refused to be exclusive. While quite readily saying ultimately what I wanted was a loving, long term relationship, I wanted what we might have to evolve all on its own - either we would naturally grow together or naturally drift apart. I didn't want labels pushing or pulling us towards or away from anything.

Part of it stemmed from wanting to move into a relationship differently than I had in my past, (I had tended to become A Relationship too fast and then we related from Being In A Relationship rather than just relating and getting to know each other). Part of it was a concern about hurting him. My thinking there was as I could not predict the future, what if my feelings for him evolved, I pulled out of it and left him high and dry? I mean, one has feelings for someone, but will they stand the test of time? If you know how much it hurts, you try not to hurt someone else, and that can get you into some really stupid territory where you are being over-responsible and making decisions for other people.

My sweetie did a couple of things: He told me to quit worrying about whether he would get hurt or not and to properly leave it as his look-out. That it was his job, and although he hoped we would evolve into something quite extraordinary, he had been fine before he met me and would be fine after we split up. Whew, that was a relief! He accepted the no commitment/no exclusivity and didn't pressure me to declare myself or introduce him to friends and family. He took me at my word, which was I really like you but can't promise anything beyond today and he opted to enjoy each day we did have together without trying to insist there be another or that we conform to some structure or label.

It was very freeing and very loving of him to just let me BE. It eliminated any pressure for me and surprise, surprise, allowed me to feel my developing feelings for him without there being any attachments other than I really think you are an extraordinary person I am privileged to spend time with. Once I moved into the 'I love you' bit, he was gracious with the rushed disclaimer of "of course this is early days yet and feelings will evolve from now - either growing stronger or dissipating with time" (and thankfully doesn't tease me too much about that now).

You know her, if you think she is jerking you around, deal with that. Is she changing plans as a sort of "pocket of safety" or a lack of regard? Insist on respectful treatment regardless of the label. Can't see why you can't accept you're dating someone that in time may grow together or may grow apart - but of course I would feel that way, wouldn't I? LOL. I'd say if you can't accept your gf's reluctance to name something until she is more than sure of it, you'd best let her go. I'd be curious to see what might develop if you quit applying pressure to "seal the deal".
 heartseekertrue
Joined: 6/24/2008
Msg: 43
She DEFINED "you/us", get a grip/clue.
Posted: 7/10/2009 4:13:28 PM
OP, she told you. Listen, and believe her.
It won't turn out well if you have to convince her that she is reciprocally into you.

And all this stuff about (your) things....
don't try to "hold" her with them.

She's gone...just get back your things (if you can), and your self respect man.
Good luck...there is some bit of truth to all the postings...even the ones you exclude.
You asked her, she said it.
You asked us, we said it...
...are you listening?
 Make it happen!
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 46
She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/10/2009 9:39:56 PM
Is this for novels or a simple post. I need to be in a different filed. If you have your doubts you are probably. But what would I know. I only read the first and last line. Tooooooo much reading.
 mcwr
Joined: 3/24/2009
Msg: 48
She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/10/2009 10:10:23 PM
You sound confused. She is using you. Dump her. "You're too good for me" means "I don't want you". You explain to her that you don't want to be a "rebound guy"? You don't need to explain yourself. Grow a pair and dump her. Learn to have respect for yourself, then find someone who will appreciate that quality.
 Justagoodguy65
Joined: 9/14/2005
Msg: 52
She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/11/2009 1:06:19 AM
Shakespears Plays and Sonnets by the Bard.
"They do not love that do not show their love.
The course of true love never did run smooth.
Love is a familiar. Love is a devil. There is no evil angel but Love. "

Well OP. You're in quite a pickle. Do you continue to pursue this person or not. Will she eventually come around and return to you the love and words you seek from her lips. Or do you move on and let her go. So true is this quote.....

"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're yours forever."

Sometimes you've got to pull back enough for them to remember who you are, what you mean to them and how you fit into their plan for love. Its obvious she likes you a lot because she came running back after being gone for a while. Maybe you should spend some more time with her, make some great memories & then ask the same questions again. If she doesn't respond, then tell her you need to move on.

I guarantee you if you wait, play it cool, let her stew on those memories.....she'll come running back and then you can ask her for that definition your looking for or you're gonna walk. This could also backfire and she might just not return. Consider that your school of hard knocks with relationships.

It really depends on how much staying power and how cool you can keep it while she gets her thoughts organized. If its too much emotionally for you, I'd say its time to move on and find someone else that fits your liking.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 57
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She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/11/2009 7:36:11 AM
This...

She said she didn't want to say we are a couple just in case it doesn't work out because she doesn't want to break my heart.

and this...

The best I could get out of her was that she just wants me, and that she's not leaving,


Suggested to me it might be worth the OP hanging in and quit (after only two months) asking for a label of BF/GF. I'm not as concerned about the early days "I don't deserve you" bit as this is "skeleton in the closet girl" from his posting history - she was initially really worried he wouldn't be able to look past something in her past. In that context, the "I don't deserve you" makes sense. I imagine this issue has her moving slow into acknowledging a relationship - she's feeling her way through it, or so I imagine.

If he wants to work on personal boundaries it should be "respect me and don't cancel on me last minute". THAT appears to be the only disrespectful thing she is doing and isn't part of his main complaint. It's worrisome, not the label "BF/GF" thing.
 VivaciousVixen2010
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 59
She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/11/2009 8:22:07 AM
if she won't commit to you, she is looking for another man. GET OUT NOW!!!!!!!!!!
Her games have gone on too long.
Do you have ANY self respect left?
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 68
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She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/11/2009 12:12:42 PM

I made a couple attempts to contact her so I know whether to call in sick to work or not. But, big surprise: she is still ignoring me.

IMO, this is where your concern should lie. You are not being treated with respect AND you are likely smothering her. I'm not sure that she is moving away because she doesn't care that much for you or whether your constant attempts to contact are shoving her away. It sounds like you are chasing after her; a man who appeared that desperate and needy only two months into a relationship would have my antennae up.
 mcwr
Joined: 3/24/2009
Msg: 71
She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/11/2009 12:37:44 PM
DUMP HER! Duh... Stop being a door mat. Good luck.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 72
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She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/11/2009 1:27:15 PM
Say what's wrong then OP... say you don't appreciate being left hanging, or don't like the lack of response... whatever is "what's wrong" for you.

My advise, if you choose to continue this, is to set this up differently right from the get-go:
She: "We're hanging out this Saturday"
You: "Great, When do you want to get together" (firm it up or leave it loose, but watch the left loose bit)

(later)
She: "I might be hanging with my friend instead, I'll let you know."
You: "That doesn't work for me; I'd love to hang out with you but don't want to be left hanging"
or
You: "OK, let me know by Friday if you want to hang out"
or
You: "That doesn't work for me; I'd love to hang out with you but don't want to be left hanging. Why don't you go make plans with your friends Saturday and let me know another time that would be good for us to get together".

If she doesn't let you know by the deadline, then you go to work, no big deal, right?
If you don't want to be flexible and be left hanging (which is fine), then don't get yourself into the situation in the first place.

I think (obviously) it is fine for someone two months in to a relationship to have no idea what it is and where it might be going... but I do NOT think anyone should ever be treated with disrespect. You've got a hand in this OP by setting up and/or agreeing to situations that don't work for you/aren't comfortable to you. So stop doing that. Because of how loosely you set these things up, you THEN get yourself into these situations of having to call her repeatedly because of the "excuse" that we sorta had these plans set up and I'm just trying to confirm them. It's f'd up. Call her once, no more than once... if she doesn't respond within a reasonable time period, get on with your life. She's got to be stepping up to the plate here... because it is you pushing/pushing, she doesn't have to, does she?

The issue is respect, not labels... you're not getting respect from her (is she a flake in all areas of her life?) but at least part of it is how you are setting things up. Do you see that?

Edit: OP, you're sounding awfully needy and desperate here. The more I read your follow-up posts the more I'm thinking you're not ready for a relationship.
 no_excuses_please
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 82
She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/16/2009 1:24:34 PM
How can one party "define" the "us" part of a relationship?
If there's ever any doubt...there is no doubt.
Move on,OP....
She either has...or is going to...
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 91
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Let go...Move on
Posted: 7/23/2009 9:58:07 PM
@emlamNsea...

Your shrink was a wise man.

It's very natural for us to think the reason why someone is not into us is all our fault, but through experience just as your shrink eluded to, you find that sometimes the person you're pursuing is damaged goods and they can't help but pull away from you because deep down they know it, too... or sometimes they don't know it but can't control themselves.

My Brother is damaged goods. He married a dream Woman; a wholesome, nice, beautiful, well-educated Woman that practically worshipped the ground he walked on and did anything and everything for him... then he dumped her for a nasty Woman who lived in a rundown part of town with a bunch of kids, no job and a mental history that would scare the beejesus out of Freddy Krueger.

To this day that poor lady probably thinks there is something wrong with her, but there wasn't and my brother himself said so, too. He says she was great, he just didn't love her and he doesn't know why. Of course, my Brother is a totally screwed up guy so in this regard his decision only makes perfect sense.
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