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 Manhanttan_Girl
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 43
Emotionally Unavailable = ScaredPage 2 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
Men become emotionally unavailable when the woman thinks that there is a possibility for something serious to develop and the man does not have the heart to be honest with her. It is about understanding that you are both want the same things in the relationship.
 Vincent_1984
Joined: 11/14/2005
Msg: 46
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Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/8/2009 12:00:01 PM
Is it just me or is this thread just another example of poor social double standards between genders? It seems as though when a man doesn't want to get involved with a woman, he is emotionally unavailable and a coward but when a woman doesn't want to get involved with a man, she is exercising her right to be an independent and liberated woman. Meh, maybe I am reading too much into this one.

Anyway, I know I'm perfectly comfortable with commitment, so I can't really talk for those who the OP deems scared or "emotionally unavailable", but I can definitely presume that the issue goes a lot deeper what the she presents. Everyone is different and we are all looking for different things out of our lives and partners.

 fourletterfame
Joined: 5/13/2008
Msg: 47
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/8/2009 5:46:38 PM
I'm emotionally unavailable. I'm also a prick. It works for me though.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 49
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/8/2009 6:58:03 PM

I think people want someone who doesn't desperately need them but truly adores them. Big difference.

There is, but a lot of people don't realize it.

Further to that, I think that most men I've met or known are way more eager than I am to get into a serious relationship. So how would you explain the difference in what we're seeing?

Good question, this has been my experience as well.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 50
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/8/2009 7:03:51 PM

Just because someone doesn't want a LTR doesn't mean it's because they're scared. Some people prefer to be alone(like myself), but some haven't realised it yet, because "society" or the "norm" tells them that looking for a LTR is the way to go.

I go through extended (and I mean LONG) periods of time where an LTR is the last thing on my mind. There are many reasons for this, but they are my reasons and I don't feel the need to explain them anymore. Then there are times like now, when I've been the "just me" route for a long time and I think it's an opportune time to at least see what's out there. Probably won't last long, as I'm a quick study and realize that what works for me is not only rare, but possibly even non-existant. Either way? I'm still a whole, happy, fulfilled person. Doesn't take a relationship of any nature to make me "who" I am. I would maybe like to try to share my space, however. JMO
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 52
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/9/2009 6:34:09 AM
Some people aren't scared, or upset, or insecure or any of that. They're simply not overly emotional people and handle it differently than others. That may come from plain old upbringing....and it could be a habit. Trust me, I know.
 flowerforce
Joined: 9/6/2006
Msg: 53
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/9/2009 3:00:48 PM
Some people are scared. Some people have never learned to be emotionally available. Some people were at one time emotionally available and for some reason ( trauma or a bad relationship ) stop being emotionally available. Some people who say they want a long term relationship really do want that but are not good at relationships. Take your pick. I think You are lovely and will find a great man to love you. But these things take time in the mean time hold to your dream for your Mr Wonderful and have fun. Good luck.
 PureLogic
Joined: 12/22/2007
Msg: 54
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Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/9/2009 3:06:19 PM
There are WAY too many confused people out there.

I started talking to a girl online (who contacted ME) who said she found me so interesting because I give advice, and my personality, my views, etc. I said to myself, "Hmmm. She's young, but she sounds mature."

But as soon as she found out I lived on the same street as her ex boyfriend, things changed in a hurry. Then, she was saying she "wasn't sure what she wanted", etc.

Please. Don't waste my time.
 swtsunlvr
Joined: 9/20/2007
Msg: 55
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Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/9/2009 3:21:41 PM
I have no trouble whatsoever being emotionally available...I just don't remember how to be.Does anyone relate to that?Being in a monogamous relationship almost all my life with someone who was the poster child of emotional unavailability(or any other type of availability,for that matter)left me a little behind in the times.
I gave so much in the 35 years I was married and finally had to give up.I wasn't going to change him,he was never going to want to love,or be loved.He totally wanted the physical relationship,but without the emotional part that women need so much.
So,that leaves me with a world of love to give someone,but not sure how to go about giving it.I will admit that I am a little SCARED that I'll meet someone that was just like the one I had to leave.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 56
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Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/9/2009 4:19:26 PM
Emotional unavailability doesn't always equal fear/scared (I'm assuming of commitment or a relationship).

Sometimes, there are just periods of time when someone wants a break or doesn't have the desire to be involved or dating at that time.

It's more than annoying IMO, when people automatically assume that if you're single you MUST BE looking or wanting to meet someone....UGH! It's inconceivable to some that anyone could possibly enjoy or prefer being single for any period of time. Those are one of the types of people I avoid.

Emotionally unavailable means just that, a person's reasons are their own and noone else's business unless they choose to share.
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 57
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Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 10/2/2009 1:31:11 PM

I think there are a lot of emotionally unavailable people out here that are masquarading around like they really want a real relationship but when the opportunity presents itself they are scared sh**less!

I just think the OP had her heart set on someone who didn't reciprocate her feelings in the way she wanted, so she's charging him with being "emotionally unavailable" (to her). This is nothing more than a new version of "men are intimidated (scared) by ____".

How does the woman know this is the reason he dumped or stopped "courting" her? Never once have I heard a woman say: "I am such a pain in the derriere that after just one date men are charging for the exit."


I think a lot of people on this site actually "think" they are looking for a "long term relationship" - that very special person to be with, but in actuality if they met and dated that person they would think it was too good to be true.

Au contraire, my experience in actuality meeing people from sites like this suggests it could hardly be as bad as I could have imagined it could be.

So, yea, "too good to be true" would make me a bit suspicious there was something really fishy going on.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 58
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 10/2/2009 1:51:10 PM
The alternative is to get involved in a long term relationship just for the sake of being in one, rather than being with someone who is compatible with you in most areas. It's likely a good part of the reason for some of the divorces out there. Too many people are too concerned with the "idea" of being in a relationship rather than understanding what all goes into sustaining one. There is often such a stigma of not being in a ltr that people will force themselves into one, whether it's right or not for either party. It takes a lot of knowing yourself and getting to know the other person. If it seems like "scared", I'm sure some are, but by and large, I see it more as finding out that you just couldn't see yourself in a lrt with the particular people you're dating to this point in time. Even the way the OT has described people as "masquarading around like they really want to a real relationship but when the opportunity presents itself they are scared sh**tless", makes it sounds as though just because an opportunity is presented and it feels right to one person, it automatically should feel right to the other party. It just doesn't work that way.
 kuddlekitty
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 60
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Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 10/2/2009 4:22:39 PM
Landra: Message 2:
Great site! The woman who runs it is one of the most insightful people I have ever read!
 Ependa
Joined: 7/16/2009
Msg: 61
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 2/22/2010 5:17:16 PM
It certainly can equate to being scared. I think it's just unavailable emotionally for whatever reason...scared, selfish, working through things from the last relationship, working through things from childhood, working through things with themselves...I don't think this is always a bad thing. I think people need to take time to recenter after a break up. Work things through in their own head. I think it's healthier to do this and then be able to approach a relationship in a better and more open way.
And yes, of course this is a crutch for some people. And some people are just scared. Living life to its fullest ,whatever that is for you, is not for woosies =)
 Free-At-Last
Joined: 7/15/2009
Msg: 62
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 2/22/2010 6:16:23 PM

Emotionally Unavailable = Scared

True.
However, I would much rather be Emotionally Unavailable than a F L A K E who falls in love with the first person that comes along declaring they have sooooo much love, attention, and generosity to give.
Why?
Because usually these same people are just as equally capable of revoking their love, attention, and generosity, as fleetingly as they gave it.

Still waters run deep.
Same can be said for some "Emotionally Unavailable" people.





 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 63
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Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 2/22/2010 6:24:10 PM
Right now, my emotions are anger, because my life isn't going the way I want it, not making the kind of money that used to be there, not doing the kind of work I enjoy and am good at, and I really don't think a woman deserves that...so I better steer clear of relationships for awhile!!!

Scared of unleashing my own titanic anger on some poor, unsuspecting soul...
 bella0800
Joined: 1/1/2010
Msg: 64
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 2/22/2010 6:36:23 PM
I agree with you 100% I have been on a few sites in the last few years and I have come to the conclusion that most of the men are very emotionally unavailable or just downright dishonest. If you do actually meet one they want a mom, a lover or someone just to support them. I too have alot to offer but have never met one yet that comes close to actually being a long term mate . There has to be another way to meet quality guys and if you find one let me know.
 bella0800
Joined: 1/1/2010
Msg: 65
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 2/22/2010 6:41:43 PM
why are peopl on dating sites if they are emotionally unavailable or are happy to be single or like you just angry at life??
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 67
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/12/2010 10:36:04 AM

Emotionally Unavailable = Scared

I don't agree. I think people (not just men) are emotionally unavailable when the emotions are going to be given/shared with the wrong-person-for-them. Much like myself. Just because things go well, I like someone, I spend some quality time with him, things are going OK, but NOT quite what I've been waiting for. I don't pretend or intend to invest emotions in that person or situation and I'm honest about that. I might like that person, maybe even very much, that doesn't mean it's more or going to be more than that. I think we (both genders) use the term "emotionally unavailable" when the emotions we HOPE to feel/see/hear from someone simply aren't the emotions that person is feeling for us. It happened to me not all that long ago and this was my knee-jerk reaction. It was HIS problem. The reality? He didn't see me as I saw him. No one's fault, simple reality. JMO
 Crisro
Joined: 12/10/2009
Msg: 68
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/12/2010 3:41:35 PM
Thoght I should bring back some words of wisdom from earlier in the thread.


Emotionally Unavailable people avoid relationships and reject ---
having to love, OR maybe they don't have that much hurt left in them
having to communicate,OR are tired of being the only one trying to
having to be emotionally available ( so how redudant is that)
having to care,OR have cared too much in the past
having to empathize,OR would like alittle in return for once
having to recognize someone’s needs other than their own,OR are done being a doormat.
having to be trusted, OR have had trust betrayed
having to be relied upon, OR have been used
having to be respectful, OR have been abused
having to recognize boundaries,OR have been controlled
having to be committed, OR have had committments broken
having to be expected or needed, OR are tired of others unrealistic expectations
having to deliver on the words that come out of their mouths, OR just want to be listened to.
having to make an effort,OR are tired of being the only one putting forth an effort
and having to think.,OR have decided to start thinking and stop letting emotions run their lives.

I am emotionally unavailable, by choice and after some amount of thought. I recognize that about myself and it is stated in my profile.
I lived most of my life being TOO selfless, to the point it has caused me great pain and misery. I'm over all that now but why would I want to open the door to it again. I can be a great friend to anyone, but the next "Love of My Life" is going to have to show me the deserve all of the above.


I'm not emotionally unavailable or scared, as someone else said I'm just aware and there's a big difference. When you fall head over heels for someone and end up getting hurt for it, you think harder, the second time it happens you think even harder, and eventually you reach a point where you don't give the best parts of yourself away to someone just because you had a good dinner and coffee together, or had a gutwrenching talk, or had a good romp in the sack.

Like the quote above says, the "Love of my Life" will need to prove themselves to me as much as I need to prove myself to them. Even stevens and all that.
 .dej
Joined: 11/6/2007
Msg: 70
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Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/13/2010 8:55:53 AM
Coming from the horse's mouth:


Emotionally Unavailable people avoid relationships and reject ---
having to love -- maybe
having to communicate -- absolutely
having to be emotionally available -- well, that's why they're emotionally unavailable. don't use a word in its definition
having to care -- disagree
having to empathize -- sort of
having to recognize someone’s needs other than their own -- disagree
having to be trusted -- disagree
having to be relied upon -- agree
having to be respectful -- disagree
having to recognize boundaries -- disagree
having to be committed -- agree
having to be expected or needed -- agree
having to deliver on the words that come out of their mouths -- disagree
having to make an effort -- oh definitely agree
and having to think. -- mostly agree

I've been generally called "emotionally unavailable". I have no problem following through with my word, or being trusted. But I'm going to be very hesitant to say I'm going to do something. I have no problem saying no. I don't like being relied upon, and I don't like relying upon people. I don't make the best shoulder to cry on. This affects what kind of women I date.
 justwant2no
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 72
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/13/2010 11:18:46 AM

Fear of intimacy in men = fear that there may be someone hotter, better looking, sexier and better in bed if they keep looking.
Not appreciating the beautiful loving woman that they have, keeping a distance, because someone even better might come along.

^^Touche!
There is an old proverb about a dog with a bone - the dog, seeing his reflection in the water of a swiftly flowing river - opens his mouth to steal the 'other' dog's bone - dropping his own bone into the river. . . I can't tell you how many men I've known who were 'dogs with a bone' - only to be old and alone, without a 'bone'.
 starz25
Joined: 7/8/2010
Msg: 73
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/13/2010 6:43:55 PM
Wow ... great thread... very enlightening to hear so many insightful points of view.

I was until recently was a total believer in your statements caramel. But now I get it. People (men AND women) are as emotionally available as they *choose* to be.

BTW I am currently seeing an "emotionally unavailable" person and have been feeling a lot of confusion about it.... but not anymore! To 'da curb with his arse!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 74
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/13/2010 7:04:09 PM
I've been generally called "emotionally unavailable". I have no problem following through with my word, or being trusted. But I'm going to be very hesitant to say I'm going to do something. I have no problem saying no. I don't like being relied upon, and I don't like relying upon people. I don't make the best shoulder to cry on. This affects what kind of women I date.

I get this. I think the best way I can make sense of it is that I don't like depending on people, I don't cry to people about my problems, I don't like to be emotional or vulnerable, I just don't inflict myself on others, so in turn I expect others to extend me the same courtesy. I measure myself as a threshold of most things, so I expect others to at least be able to do the same (at least when it comes to dealing with me). I'm not comfortable with people depending on me or crying to me either (within reason, there are a couple major things in life that I consider valid reasons for crying or showing emotion).
 lifeisahead
Joined: 3/23/2010
Msg: 75
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2010 6:29:52 AM
I have been out of my marriage in my head for years now. I entered into a relationship just after seperation with a man I knew was not relationship material (terrible emotional issues) I am a healer, I love to "fix", it is an issue. I realized this did not work, so I broke it off, and met someone else, (against my better judgement), who was a recent widower many states away... foolish again. You can not spend real time wiht anyone who is so far (physical needs are pysical needs). Friends have told me I am emotionally "unavailable", as many "good" men have had interest in me right here at home, but I feel nothing romantic towards them, and I am very sure they would never be a good match in the long run.
I have no idea if I am emotionally unavailable or not. I believe I have not met the man who will be a great fit. I spent too many (30) years with someone who was not. I am active attractive and loving and know if the right one came along, I would be emotionally available. I think we all suffer from wanting things right at this stage of life.
Any thoughts?
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