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Joined: 12/28/2009
Msg: 76
Emotionally Unavailable = ScaredPage 3 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
In Grad school, I researched a study that results proved, mostly in Women, that deep in their psych, Women desire a man whom has the attributes of their father...The ironic part is they desire more of the bad aspects rather than the good ones..Say a father was an alcoholic, and from the point of 8yrs old the daughter realized this of her father...For the entire growing into a woman stage she tried relentlessly to help and change this negative lifestyle her father never conquered..Research have proven that this regression instilled in the failed attempt to achieve or save her father, passes along to her personal relations with men.. Ever wonder if your "fix" is a deep psychological need to fill that void that was never achieved in your father case...Just a thought to consider......, but what do I really know?!!
Joined: 11/17/2009
Msg: 77
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/14/2010 8:37:14 PM
I don't think there is necessarily fear. When somebody wants something there is not much fear. Just the goal. My friends and I disscuss this regularly. What is being described is someone not wanting another person enough to put a whole lot of energy into it.
Joined: 11/6/2007
Msg: 78
view profile
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/15/2010 3:44:31 AM

.dej....just curious but do you know why you are that way? It would definately make it challenging for any woman who was in a relationship with you....does that bother you?

If I had to guess (I'm not psychologist) I'd say it had to do with having not much femininity in my family growing up. I had a dad, a brother, and a mom who was very much not a girly girl. She was a firearms instructor and a law enforcement officer (as was my dad) who grew up with a cop as a dad and plenty to do to keep the family going. So there wasn't much empathy in my household growing up. It struck me a little later in my life after getting to know other families that mine had a completely different dynamic than the usual household.

I'd say in general it would be a challenge for a someone interested in me, but I hesitantly say it instead just affects who I date. I end up with women who are very independent as well. I don't date girls that have a lot of emotional needs and need for support, or that feel they need to talk about their feelings. Someone who needs someone to tell her on a regular basis that she's pretty isn't going to like me, and I'm not going to like her. I get along with someone who can deal with me telling her I think she's wrong, and someone who will flat out tell me when I'm wrong, not someone who needs me to break things to her gently and then make her feel better about it.

No, this doesn't bother me. I consider it a necessity.
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 79
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/15/2010 4:01:14 AM

Rejecting a woman doesn't make a guy 'scared shitless'...

...being chased by 3 men wearing hockey masks, bloody aprons and holding chainsaws revving & coming at you in an alleyway and really pissed off at you is more worthy of being "scared shitless"

Any comments?

Don't wear spandex on a first meet unless you can pull it off.
If he is 5 foot 6 don't wear 6 inch red stilettos.
Cover any and all tattoos that have mens names on them.
Don't get drunk and throw up in his Hummer.
If your ex is in prison for manslaughter and due for parole..keep it to yourself.

That should cover a few basics on how not to scare a man sh1tless.
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 80
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/15/2010 7:56:02 AM

Don't get drunk and throw up in his Hummer.

You got this one wrong...

.... it should read, "Don't get drunk and throw up while GIVING him a hummer,"....

Joined: 7/28/2008
Msg: 81
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/15/2010 4:55:26 PM
great reply vhdc I am with you on this one. "they will become emotionally available for the right person"
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 82
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/18/2010 12:54:28 AM
i believe that if you are looking for somebody real
that if you meet somebody take the time to
focus on that one individual
that is if you are emotionally available

i hate men who try to get to know me and at the same time are talking
~for sexual relations/ship to 9 other women also

one at a time
if i am not an investment
don't waste my time

i am not on your waiting list of your want to be harem
Joined: 6/25/2010
Msg: 83
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/18/2010 11:16:11 AM
I don't think there's one answer. I think what it comes down to is a bunch of little reasons stuck together. I know that personally I've got a heap of issues including fear that preclude me from opening up. Just like happiness and sadness don't last forever, these emotions/feelings/beliefs don't last forever and sometimes, just sometimes I'm able to open up the way I want. Unfortunately, very quickly various issues rush in and slam the door. As someone earlier has stated, there are a lot of people out there who are too screwed up for a relationship (I'm probably one of them) but as someone else said, there are ups and downs in relationships i.e. you've got times when someone is feeling some of those destructive feelings at one time which jeopardies the relationship but as a couple, you're able to sort out the other person's issues and move on. I think we give up a bit too quickly these days also. I've seen it in other people and in myself that they don't allow enough time for something meaningful to arise but of course how much time is too much time.
Joined: 12/28/2009
Msg: 84
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/18/2010 6:50:12 PM
emotionally unavailable that I choose
that reality seems misconstrued
she broke my heart so now I hate
seems like a devilish type of state
but if emotions controlled us two
then a wreck we both went through
cheers to love and dreams that last
to be quite frank love can kiss my ass
Joined: 11/7/2008
Msg: 85
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/20/2010 12:30:04 PM

If they're scared, they're scared that you'll become too clingy, smothering or possessive. The black hole of aloneness is sometimes preferrable to the black hole of suffocation. Maybe you're coming on too intensely-?

^^^ This is me. I can't stand dating someone who wants to be a part of EVERY part of my existance...been there, escaped that.

Although I don't see aloneness as a "black hole"...actually I've come to love it! Dating is fun, but relationships are a nightmare, so I just keep it to the dating.
Joined: 5/31/2010
Msg: 86
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/20/2010 7:46:23 PM
caramel...I totally agree with you and your experience with this type of person. You have to experience it in order to really relate to what you are saying. I totally relate. I recently met someone via POF emails and eventually had the first date. There was a intellectual and definitely a physical chemistry going on. Exchanged the roses and all that.... Suddenly out of nowhere this sort of change in personality and chemistry occurs in him out of the blue. It is fear. You can sense it. That man turns into an emotional rollercoaster. Its as if he brings up all his baggage and throws it at you as if to say "I'm not doing this again"! Then, turns around and runs in the opposite direction. It is a fear of rejection. Some men and probably women just can't seem to turn the page and start fresh with someone new.
I just exit gracefully and then run away as fast as I can.
Joined: 7/15/2010
Msg: 87
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/21/2010 4:52:46 PM
Hmm, glad I stumbled on this thread. I was wondering what was wrong with me and now I see I am part of the emotionally unavailable crowd and never realized it. I found trying to juggle work, upkeeping a house; and trying to make time for a person way too much to handle, so something had to give and that was the relationship; hence now have become emotionally unavailable. Guess you learn something every day.
 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 88
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/22/2010 2:19:42 PM
or maybe they're just not that interested

sometimes 'not ready' just means 'not ready with You'
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 89
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/22/2010 3:47:49 PM
^^^I think sometimes that is true for people, but then why can't they just say they aren't interested instead of making up some crap about being emotionally unavailable. Me thinks some men and/or women are just too dense to see that people do see through their lies and/or are so into themselves that they fail to see that two people are involved in a relationship.
Joined: 4/4/2010
Msg: 90
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 7/24/2010 7:06:34 PM
Someone I once had a ltr with told me in the beginning that he was unemotionally available. I thought, ok, no big whoop because I'm not looking for seriousness anyway. Liked him, liked hanging out with him so I went with the flow. Well after a year of this, getting to know his children, him telling me he loved me; I let my guard down and completely fell for him too. Too bad that the first time we had a disagreement, he said he didn't love me anymore. Talk about fickle?????

If someone tells you they are emotionally unavailable, take their word for it and buyer beware.
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 92
view profile
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 8/1/2010 2:41:34 PM
Fear is human natures way of protecting it's self, like the wall built around the heart.
If we lost fear we would reap many rewards.
Trusting one's self open a heart up.
Joined: 4/24/2009
Msg: 93
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 8/5/2010 6:30:16 PM
oh i soooooo agreee!!! thats why the email ya and call ya just enough to string ya along!!! seen it an awful lot!!!
Joined: 7/13/2010
Msg: 94
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 8/6/2010 6:46:50 AM
WOW, that is my ex in a nutshel. Thanks for posting this, it helped a lot.

"Emotionally Unavailable people avoid relationships and reject ---
having to love
having to communicate
having to be emotionally available
having to care
having to empathize
having to recognize someone’s needs other than their own
having to be trusted
having to be relied upon
having to be respectful
having to recognize boundaries
having to be committed
having to be expected or needed
having to deliver on the words that come out of their mouths
having to make an effort
and having to think."
Joined: 4/24/2009
Msg: 95
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/2/2010 7:11:06 PM
i have run into this aaaaaaaaaaLLLLLLoooooooTTTT!!! its just crazy, they dont want to be alone but they dont want to try to give anyone anything!!!
Joined: 11/30/2009
Msg: 96
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/2/2010 8:11:43 PM
I know I have sooo much love, attention, generosity to give to someone but the guys I've dealt with are too freaking scared to even get involved. Any comments? What's been your experience if you've found this to be true?

My experience has been that at any given time, I tend to attract people like my self.
Joined: 9/7/2010
Msg: 97
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/10/2010 11:25:53 AM
Messages 83 & 84 gave me the answers that I have been searching for for a long time.

I think that all of use that have been duped into these relationships should print off and frame these and put then in every room in the house to remind us. This person was obviously in a relationship like this and her knowledge and wisdom can save ua all from repeating the mistake of thinking we are ever going to get what we need from someone that is emotionally unavailable.
Joined: 1/13/2010
Msg: 98
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/23/2010 5:55:53 PM
I agree that there is nothing worse than starting to see someone and every time you go online they are online. I'm saying you might go on once every other day and no matter what time you log in you will see them on there. You do see the same faces online ALL the time, might want to avoid those guys!
Joined: 2/28/2008
Msg: 99
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 9/25/2010 11:06:23 AM
a guys opinion (yes another one). Men espacally good ones become emotionally distant and unattacthed and in approachable because we seem to be targeted by mental game payers liars and cheaters most of the time and we dont feel we will either find the woman of our dreams or a good woaman is outta a leauge that we want. and we dont wanna get hurt.
Joined: 10/25/2010
Msg: 100
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 10/31/2010 10:26:39 PM
Well said.......unemotionally people simply need professional help or stay OFF POF until they get their life in order!
Joined: 10/4/2009
Msg: 101
view profile
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 11/1/2010 9:57:50 AM
There is a great line from He's just not that into you

"He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life."

Whether he is scared, hurt, damaged,addicted, whatever...those are the excuses that you give him to enable him to continue to hurt you. Move on...
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