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 jd4real49
Joined: 10/5/2011
Msg: 121
Emotionally Unavailable = ScaredPage 6 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

Sometimes Emotional unavailable = spouse died recently.


Then you shouldn't be dating. Just saying.
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 122
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 1/2/2012 12:44:07 PM
dudiest priest said a while back on here:having to deliver on the words that come out of their mouths

that always bothers me.
when someone talks and they dont do what they say they will do.
isnt that akin to faking someones future to get what you want now.?

if I tell my child I am going to buy them a bike and dont,
and then tell them that again and agian and no bike ever comes along.
they will learn not to trust what I say.

happens in adult relationships all the time.
but that is not emotional unavailability...it sounds more like game playing,..
or leading someone on.

emotionally unavailable people cant or wont let someone get too close.
they seem closed and secretive, even if they have no secrets from you, it always seems like they so.
in a way the word sounds like an excuse when someone just does not want to get close to you for their own reasons.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 123
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 1/2/2012 12:46:45 PM

LOL, I have found the same to be true with the women.
You talk to them on pof, fine. You talk to them on the phone, fine.
But you ask them to meet you, and they never talk to you anymore.

Wouldn't that be "physically" unavailable?
 ruspukin
Joined: 9/29/2010
Msg: 124
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 1/2/2012 2:44:12 PM
good point...I know a lot of guys who should not be in relationships...this will apply to woman as well...
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 125
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 1/25/2012 6:28:10 AM
The phrase,"just not that into you" has a hint of blame put on the person who has been rejected. I'm not using it anymore because when the person that suddenly becomes detached after they have shown such a strong interest, pursuit, and managed to be so charming, it shows that the sudden about-face means that there is something psychologically wrong with them. They can be seductive and charming even to the most self confident person. They are not always looking for actual sex, and a "conquest" in their mind can sometimes be as subtle as the other person agreeing to a 2nd date. The ones that do the most damage are the ones that are able to keep up the charade until someone makes an emotional investment in them. When they are divorced, I can't help but think their marriage didn't last because their spouse got no emotional support from them. And yes, all the excuses people use such as recently widowed, parental duties, still intimately involved with an ex, don't fly. They simply shouldn't be dating then. If someone can't handle a relationship and just want casual sex then go pay a professional. If someone is only looking for friendship, how pathetic is it that someone doesn't have any friends? If people would just be honest it would make this dog and pony show a whole lot easier.
 infennario
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 126
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 1/25/2012 2:49:13 PM
I think that we can be emotionally unavailable for benign reasons- like, just out a wrenching relationship, absorbed in a career. I know I can't give the time and energy needed for a relationship now because I've chosen to prioritize work for a year or more. So I don't date.

I've been thinking about what Larissan said, though. An old flame- well, more like a spark that never became a flame- contacted me yesterday. He is a great guy, as far as I got to know him back then. IF I weren't so absorbed in other things, I'd probably be very interested right now. But my life circumstances are such that it just isn't possible to succeed at a relationship, on my end, and the other things I want and need to do right now. He's overseas so maybe I'll get the chance to test Larissan's theory someday.
 SeaCatcher
Joined: 9/11/2011
Msg: 127
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 1/25/2012 2:56:20 PM
Sounds like you're projecting your own emotional unavailability onto the rest of us. Own your own stuff and leave us out of it.
 True_Gem
Joined: 12/10/2011
Msg: 128
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 1/25/2012 4:20:55 PM
Hi Caramelssweetness2,

I feel for you and know exactly where your coming from. I too have had similar experiences.

I happen to agree with you a 100%. Some men will claim they want a relationship, everything is great at the beginning and then bam out of nowhere they happen to do a 360. Say they are not ready for a relationship, use the "it's not you, it me" bullshit and want to serial date others afterwards, disappear out of your life if you don't give them sex or still want to keep you around but as a fwb or fb. How degrading is that? Not good enough for a relationship but good enough for fun? I don't think so haha That to you my dear is a player or someone who just doesn't know what they want. How is that for emotionally unavailable? lol This can happen online as well as in the real world for a number of reasons and happens to a lot of good people.

I believe some people are looking for a perfect person for them that may or may not even exist. They could be missing out on a great person whom they didn't even give a chance in getting to know because they made a snap decision and were too judgemental. I am not saying that you should have to settle. It can work both ways, men and women can both be just as judgemental. I know we all want that other person to give us a chance to get to know us, see who we are and then make that decision once they have given us a fair chance and hopefully accept us for who we are but fact is we have no control over how they feel or react, we only have control over ourselves. Some people will run away because they are either scared of love, of being hurt or for other reasons. A lot of times it has to do with that other person not being ready for a relationship or commitment and sometimes ourselves. Sometimes the person may not be mature enough let alone be in a relationship, or hasn't found themselves yet and may not actually know what they want and are trying to figure that out.

It's true though that on dating sites you can basically at the click of your mouse choose whomever you like just like a catalogue but by having soo many choices it can sometimes get confusing and keep us from finding something meaningful and real because we are always searching for the next best thing and comparing. Isn't it awful? But it's true.

But just because we were let down in the past or hurt, shouldn't stop us from what we truly want and deserve. You need to find a man that is mature, and is at the same stage and frame of mind as you are and that can give you everything you deserve while respecting you in return.

Hang in there, it will happen when the time is right for us. Have faith and hope and remember to keep your heart open for that special man to walk into your life and claim your heart. If a man or woman doesn't value and respect you....get rid of them, you don't need them in your life!

Good luck! *hugz*
 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 129
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 1/26/2012 12:03:46 PM
This is an interesting discussion. I consider myself "emotionally unavailable". Hell, I don't even really know what that means but since most of the lists I've seen in here could easily apply to me, I must be at least an honourary member of this club.

I got separated one year ago. I am intentionally "emotionally unavailable" because I'm still pretty messed up. I'm also sick and tired of living like a hermit in self-exile. It's time to be a human being again. So I date. My profile says dating and going for coffees and that is what I am doing. I date women who want to hang out or find friends as well as women who are hoping to find everlasting love. I just tell them up front, I'm not him.

This makes for some really short "dates" to be sure, but it also gets me out of the house and meeting some pretty cool people. There haven't been any problems. We're all grown-ups here after all.

People are allowed to change their minds. If I get dumped, I don't often get explanations from women. In fact, such considerations are extremely rare in my experience.

I think a lot of these "cases" are simply examples of human nature. People feel hurt and want to demonize those they see as the cause of their pain. Folks can be fickle and make stupid choices, that doesn't make them monsters.
 shyshy84
Joined: 10/12/2011
Msg: 130
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 1/26/2012 12:57:37 PM
that list up their for emotionally unavailable people sounds like every guy i've ever talked to online. is it just me, is their somehting about me that keeps attracting these kind of men. or is it that all the men on here are emotionally unavailable and that's why they are on line, b.c if they didn't have proplems they wouldn't be single and wouldn't have to be on line.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 131
view profile
History
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 1/26/2012 1:24:14 PM
To some extent I do agree with the first bit

But many of those who "think" theyre looking for long term are the MOST emotionally available people you will find, but theyre also totally emotionally unstable, and nowhere near being ready for any kind of grown up emotionally stable relationship

As a result those types seem to think that anyone who doesnt fall madly in love with anyone who talks to or emails them within 20 sentences is emotionally unnavalable

Personally I think the word "sane" is far more acurate lol

People who are overly "available" tend to very often be emotionally and/or mentally unstable. have a very high probablility of being on antidepressants and really arent a wise choice for a partner nor someone who should be used as a benchmark for timeframes on this kind of thing at all

People start off as strangers. And no amount of silly fairy tale notions and mindsets will alter the fact theyre strangers. As such only a fool or an idiot would put their imagined "feelings" before common sense. Or be so desperate they dont think they can or should take time getting to know someone

I think the people who tend to "latch on" in an emotional sense very quickly do so because their life is a bit empty or because they place far more importance on being part of a couple than it really deserves

And anyone who doesnt do 0-nutjob in the same timeframe as they do will be deemed "emotionally closed" or a "committment phobe" by them when in reality its their time frame thats off kilter in many cases

And the silly thing is that where someone "might" have actually grown to like a person in a reasonable time frame, if theyre haemorraging emotions like the exon valdez it will tend to stop that person wanting to keep seeing them anyway.

So its often not the more reserved person who doesnt want a "real relationship" but the one complaining that they dont, and who is searching some fairy tale version of a fluffy brained excert from a mills and boon paperback rather than actual real life dating
 coldtattiex
Joined: 11/8/2009
Msg: 132
view profile
History
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 1/26/2012 1:56:19 PM
Well what can I say ................... who needs that venus/mars book when u got "pof forum" lol lol makes me see life from the other side and realise what a wally I have been any way.. lol
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 133
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 2/23/2012 9:24:13 PM
emotionally unavailable = no interested in a relationship with you....
 tlcme1964
Joined: 8/28/2009
Msg: 134
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 2/23/2012 9:28:41 PM
Just because someone wants a long term relationship doesn't necessarily mean it's with you. Dating is like buying pants that we try it on to see if they fit.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 135
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 2/24/2012 12:27:35 PM

emotionally unavailable = no interested in a relationship with you....

For those who toss that phrase around to get out of something - I agree. Very true.

REAL emotionally unavailable people don't discriminate.
 cusechick26
Joined: 2/27/2011
Msg: 136
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 2/24/2012 9:25:02 PM
Some of the items on your list deffinitely are keeping me out of the relationship zone as much as I think I want one I know I cant handle one. Its sad on how many of us are scarednow because of what our past has done to us.
 Reality_Check
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 137
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 2/25/2012 2:34:26 AM
Shakti, Blueceleste, & mikewm, all hover around the real issue... Imo, (in my opinion) none hit the nail on the proverbial head... (Just thought I'd mention this is my second stab at responding to this after having lost one great & lengthy response to PoF-cyber-trash when the time-out logged me out, unbeknownced to me ... Last try!...lol ... although the first version was truly great, I hope to be able to do it justice the 2nd time round, even though I know that train of thought left, hours ago ... sadly ... lol)

(Shakti, I loved your profile btw (by the way) ... and would welcome the opportunity to see if your own words match that of your quoted source.) Okay... lol... forward...

I think the subject at hand need be expanded to encompass the actual problem... Rather than the symptom, the disease itself need be addressed imo. The disease meanders along unhindered while pot-shots are levied at the causes perceived in error. The normal definition of the crux of the disease need wholly comprehend that the fear is not the disease, it is merely a symptom manifested. Even the topic discussed is lacking the recognition of the disease... Emotionally Unavailable = Scared = Ignorance of insufficent / lacking Introspection ... IMO!

While fear may be shown to be the cause of emotional unavailability, and emotional instability may be verified as the all-too-temporary solution, such that other's schitzophrenia may be the common perception of those deeming themselves to be cheated or wronged (somehow) in losing a significant relationship. But, one should ask, was there actually a loss at all, or was there merely a return to truth, and reality, where the notional fantasy previously, speculatively supplanted the truth, although ignored. ... :-)

Ideally, I think, we are all looking for that ever elusive soul mate, that perfect complement of an imperfect personality, that suits each of us to the proverbial "T"... lol... When such fails to materialize as originally envisioned, most of us, I'm almost certain, finds the fault to be with someone other than ourselves... LOL! ... So as to suggest to any who would listen, "It's not me, it's them with the problem."... (Such is the status quo of intolerance, in general btw, imo... lmao!)... Friends rush to our aid nurturing our fictitous self-esteem such that we may find solace in our "correctness", even if it is false, ... lol... so that we may continue the endless circle of sufferring ad nauseum, without ever having to broach the actual disease, much less attempt to formulate the medicine required to obliterate it for posterity ... Which is why, imo, our divorce courts burgeon ... because, God forbid, lol, we are the masters of our own demise ... lol ... (Say it aint so ... lol)

In this world, seldom does anything occur in a vacuum... Quite conversely, imo, almost always is there an effect for every cause, and that effect carries the "ripples of causality" throughout generations, unimpeded as to progress btw, unless it is stopped entirely by some (lol) benevolent force ... That force??? ... Introspection ... imo! (Have you ever stopped to ask yourself how, in the absense of any opposite sex companion, monks, nuns & priests, can possibly be truly happy, while we, with benefits of that which they do not have, are not?? ... Why?? ... grin ... ;-) ... ) (I am chuckling to myself as I'm almost certain that there are those reading that think I advocate celebacy as the idealic solution ... lmao! ... Not me thanks! ... Only the good die young! & I plan on being very good, for a very long time ... if ya catch my drift ....lol)

Okay ... enough drivel! ... lol ... Now, if one would bother to examine the failures of relationships past, and in extreme depth and detail, imo, even the most inept ones would soon begin to see the tip of the iceberg, although the most astute imo, would begin to see the whole realm of deficiencies within not merely their former significant other's, but also within themselves ... as seldom are wrongs effected from only one side ... imo ... LOL! ... In short, (lol... yeah right!), if what you seek is true love, in its purest of forms, that is easy enough to decipher in the annals of most marriage ceremonies... Once that small detail (grin, wink) is understood from the truth it represents, all that need be accomplished is to detail ourselves, in our most intricate weavings of imperfection, of the good and the not-so-good that is us ... Imo, once we've understood the truth that makes us who we are, only then can one expect (and this is key to eliminating what appears to be fickle emotional instability = unavailablity = fear) to understand who may possess the perfect complentary characteristics because only then can we possibly be expected to even begin to recognize same, and live ... lol ... happily ever after ... Amen! ... (assuming the search is not an insumountable issue ... and given the patronization of PoF land ... lmao! ... Well ... lol ... I'm sticking to the forums ... with reason ... lmao!)

TAKE GOOD CARE! (fellow fishies)

 bella0800
Joined: 1/1/2010
Msg: 138
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 8/11/2012 9:38:47 AM
You are dead on, could not have said it better myself.
 TantricJedi
Joined: 2/22/2012
Msg: 139
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 8/23/2012 7:59:44 AM
I think a lot of the men you are commenting on are afraid to be vulnerable and do not want to be exposed to pain again. They probably had a bad experience in there past.

If that is truly the case, they shouldn't state they are looking for long term. The problem is, they don't realize it themselves. They are probably dating endlessly and don't realize they are wasting your time since they simply can't commit emotionally.

Not your problem. You can't heal them.
 belleami
Joined: 3/1/2007
Msg: 140
view profile
History
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 8/23/2012 12:50:49 PM
I'm with you!! You don't get to our age w/o some pain & misery. Once burned, twice shy.
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 141
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 8/23/2012 7:18:06 PM
it isn't fear. it is that the person that they met is not "the one." if someone meets someone that knocks em off their feet, then they will put in the effort. fear has NOTHING to do with it.
 J_bird61
Joined: 10/22/2011
Msg: 142
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 10/17/2012 7:04:14 PM
Well, speaking for myself only, I would be emotionally unavailable if I met the wrong person.

And just because I say I want a serious relationship doesn't mean with the very next guy that comes along, no mtter who he is.
It's all gotta be right/fall into place. I want to have said relationship with someone I find attractive, smart, funny, stable and sweet as pie....so if I run into an attractive dumbass, well no, I dont want a serious relationship with him, even though I want one, get it?
There's way more to it.
 trvlngman
Joined: 8/22/2012
Msg: 143
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 10/17/2012 8:35:09 PM
Emotionally unavailiable = selfish probably sleeping with others. Good chance ur being hussled or played. Whatever ya wanna call it.
if someone is into you theyre emotionally availiable. If not availiable there is an ulterior motive besides love
 Brandy_000
Joined: 10/8/2012
Msg: 144
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 10/17/2012 10:31:48 PM
I believe that internet dating has alot to do with this. Theres too many to chosse from that it has confused the hell out of people in knowing what they really want from a partner and its a meat market for the players..sex addicts, perverts and weirdos. Its actually pretty scary now to meet anyone online.

Emotionally unavailable = scared, confused and nuts
 Becoming_Me
Joined: 1/4/2007
Msg: 145
Emotionally Unavailable = Scared
Posted: 10/17/2012 10:38:27 PM
I agree there is fear especially if you’ve been hurt before it makes it hard to trust in a good thing, and sometimes that fear will cost you what might have been a good relationship if you could have only opened up. I think its something a lot of people deal with especially in today’s world where it seems everyone is looking for the next best thing in technology and dating it seems. I think there is also a lot of storytelling that people do on these dating sites to try and get people to like them and when you meet for real there is a bit of a letdown and you wonder about anyone’s honesty. And I think this all builds into fear and miss trust.
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