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Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 2
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Past LovePage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
You used the word "mourn" OP, did she lose this love to death?

Either way, when a relationship ends, unless the person was a royal SOB, I think the love lingers, sometimes for the rest of your life (if it really was love). Doesn't stop you from moving on and loving again.

Really not enough info in your post.
Joined: 8/3/2006
Msg: 3
Past Love
Posted: 7/16/2009 6:15:31 AM

I appreciate her honesty. She openly discusses the issue with me, but somehow I doubt that a woman can truly love me if she still clings to these old feelings. Am I wrong? Do I actually stengthen my relationship with her by being patient and helping her to move on, with me.

Well boink, women cling to feelings of "lost love" for a lot a different reasons. One of those reasons is a need for final resolution. Without that, it is difficult to move on. Then there is the cling to hope that they can rekindle the lost love. This is the most difficult to overcome, and most women are not going to tell the new man in their lives that this is the reason. You have to decide for yourself why you think your woman is clinging. The hardest thing to get over in any previous long term relationship is the idea that you are going to be replaced by someone else. If you believe that yours is clinging to the hope of rekindling then I suggest you move on. Clinging for this is self destructive, and often they will destroy those around them. If she is clinging for some final resolution then you can help her move on by giving her your love and support. Most often the person will never find that final resolution, and eventually give up. Then you will have a new set of problems to deal with.
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 4
Past Love
Posted: 7/16/2009 6:16:46 AM
He is still alive, and they are actively communicating again. Every time he contacts her it rekindles those old feelings she had, makes her very sad, however for some reason she still chooses to maintain the communication.

I personally needed to fully end my contact with a former lover before I could move on. Maybe women are different.
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 5
Past Love
Posted: 7/16/2009 6:21:22 AM
Depending on how a couple breakup, sometimes, one just cannot stab the feelings of love to little bloody specks of feeling flesh. Accept it or move on. A woman's heart is a jungle with vines reaching around many different areas. You can allow yourself to be ensnared with love, or you can cut your way out. She will keep the shoe that fell behind after you cut her vine that had touched so.
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 6
Past Love
Posted: 7/16/2009 6:35:58 AM
Thanks everybody for your replies.

Communication is tough in this situation. How do I avoid appearing like the jealous man who doesn't trust his woman?

I don't think she intends to be cruel or selfish. Actually, she hasn't admitted directly that she wants to rekindle that old relationship. However, I do think at times she wants to return to that place. Perhaps, we can all look back at time in our past that we might want to return to, particularily if we are struggling in the present.

I think her feelings are mixed. She continues to love the idea - the fantasy, so when times are tough she retreats into that fantasy. If he were to come to her, move to her city, and profess his undying love, would she say, "yes!". Naturally, she will tell me, "no", but is she being honest with herself?

I don't know, it is hard to explain, but it makes me feel very uncomfortable.
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 7
Past Love
Posted: 7/16/2009 7:08:53 AM
OP, the people in your past, who you once deeply loved, will always be in your heart. The same would be true for this woman you're seeing now. There will always be residual feelings, if the love was true and deep.

However, there's a difference between having that residual love for a past love, and living in the past. If she hasn't closed the book on a past relationship, and clings to some fantasy of reuniting, then she isn't fully emotionally ready to love someone new.
Joined: 5/18/2009
Msg: 8
Past Love
Posted: 7/16/2009 7:09:32 AM

I personally needed to fully end my contact with a former lover before I could move on.

OP, not everyone has to end contact in order to get over someone. I am friends with a couple of my ex's. I lived with my ex-husband for two years -- strictly as roommates; we are very good friends. I am also best friends with my ex-boyfriend, who I was with for 6 1/2 years. We have known each other for 25 years and I will love him until the day I day. That will never change. We communicate regularly, I went to visit him last year, and there's not a soul on this earth that can end my friendship with him. We are friends. That's it. We would never go back to being a couple...ever. I have loved and married during our friendship. I have lost love also. Do I ever think of him? Of course, but I think of my close female friends also.

My point is, with me anyway, that's it's not a matter of "clinging" to old feelings; it's a matter of I loved this man, we were a couple, we split, and then became very good friends. I do not fantasize about him romantically in any way, shape or form, and that's because he is like a brother to me. He's family. Therefore, my thoughts of him are completely non-sexual.

Your girlfriend is being very honest with you. In my mind, if she were hiding anything, she probably wouldn't be open to discussing him with you. People don't talk about their "secrets." Have you ever asked her outright if she would go back with him? That's not jealousy in my mind; that's reality. You have a right to know if she is even remotely thinking about him in that way. She seems honest enough where she would tell you, but I don't know her, so maybe I'm wrong.

In any event, yes, some people can completely get over someone while becoming their friend. Personally, I've done it a few times in my life and I see absolutely nothing wrong with it, but that's me. I realize it's not for everyone. Good luck!
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 9
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Past Love
Posted: 7/16/2009 8:45:32 AM
As you can see Op, msg #16 nad #17 are two completely opposite responses. So, please don't take any of the responses in this thread seriously. Only your girlfriend can tell you what her inner motive is for keeping in contact with her ex. I suggest you tell her your concerns, hopefully she'll be honest or at the very least, unable to hide from you her true feelings by the way she answers or avoids or tries to deflect your question.

How long were they non-communicato before they resumed their online contact?
How long were they broken up before you and her formed your current relationship? I can be friends with an ex but only after sufficient time of no contact to heal from pain that the end of the relationship causes.

If I have loved someone I'll always love them, however after a period of mourning the loss of the relationship and with no contact for an extended period of time.. eventually the feeling of being in love morphs into a different emotion ~ one of acceptance of the loss and the feeling is more akin to the platonic love one feels for a good friend.

Speak to her of your concerns in a rational and loving manner OP (It will be difficult but try your best to not sound defensive) .. don't let this pink elephant (her ex and your hidden fears) share your lives. If you do, eventually it will ruin what you two have together.
 City Nytelytes
Joined: 6/17/2009
Msg: 10
Past Love
Posted: 7/16/2009 9:19:21 AM
Was it her first love? I read an article a few years ago in psychology today basically stating that the first love, if it was during your late teens to early 30's is the most intense for most people. Since the first love tends to occur around late teens to late twenties you really have to factor in that those are the years your gaining your sense of who you are and how you fit into this world so "First love" can become a standard by which you judge all partners thereafter. So basically if you think she still loves him and your the new partner, you could be on target but that does not mean your relationship with this woman is doomed, thats all up to you and how you want to play it. Like any relationship esp the first ones its about learning, your the next step and if its right you will be the last step. You never win big if you don't bet big.This goes for both men and women.
On a personal note I had my first love and to be honest there are things I did for her I would do for no other woman today and that I certainly would not do for my first love in this present time. It was that time and that time only that I would be like that with any woman but I see now it was about learning. I didn't date for a long time after the first love and I split and I realized you can love the next person (I have trouble articulating this part even in my head) but its love strictly for that person. In other words girl 1 was an intense love / hate thing, but girl 2 is a crazy love thing, and girl 3 if i'm learning what I need to learn could be that nice, smooth sailing, mature love. I may always have good thoughts about girl 1 but if i'm happy with girl 3 and understand that you can't have your cake and eat it too then girl 3 is where I will stay and girl 1 will be just that, memories. I hope this helps
Joined: 7/27/2008
Msg: 11
Past Love
Posted: 7/16/2009 1:36:07 PM
hmm, I am going to tell you run away, far far away.

It is one thing to maintain a friendship when you have kids together but really I don't think that if you are really truly committed to someone you can maintain a friendship with an ex who by her admission causes her pain (sadness). Obviously her feeling still run deep for him. Whether or not she chooses to admit that to herself or not is a different story ….

You have already let her know that this bother you right? If she was serious about building a future she would have to say no to contact with the ex. People only treat each like crap when they allow them too!

Idk, maybe I am bitter? I don’t think so, I choose to wait to find the person who respects me enough to listen to my concerns and either put them at ease or address my points as at least valid.
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 12
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Past Love
Posted: 7/16/2009 1:57:20 PM

Do I actually stengthen my relationship with her by being patient and helping her to move on, with me.

There is a saying that "those who walk alone walk faster but those who walk with somebody get further".
And so it goes in a relationship when one can share their trouble with a patient ~ compassionate soul, someone who listens and gives opinion and is there for them ... because they love them for what they are.

Can she truly love me if she still clings to these past feelings?

Yes, she can; she just had to get of her chest the burden that was somehow still suffocating her. That she let you see her wounds was a good sign of wanting to sort the matter once for good and move on ... with you.

Hang in there!
Joined: 6/10/2009
Msg: 13
Past Love
Posted: 7/16/2009 2:09:51 PM
I think you need to move on and let her resolve this one way or the other. It will always be in your mind. I do believe she can love you both, but it sounds like her total commitment to you is not there. Actually, it kind of sounds like she likes the drama and the sadness and is drawing you right in there with it. Some people need this in their lives. Is that something you really want? It shouldn't be - love should be wonderful and filled with happiness and security to get you both through hard times. Not consumed with feelings of insecurity and worry about what's behind door 2. Good luck - what ever you decide.
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 14
Past Love
Posted: 7/17/2009 6:02:41 AM
Thanks everyone for your perspective: many different opinions, sometimes quite contrasting. Everybody's opinion is clearly impacted by their own positive or negative experiences. Hard to know how my own situation will play out. For now, I choose to work with her and give her the benefit of the doubt. My patience for now.
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 15
Past Love
Posted: 7/17/2009 6:29:47 AM
Thanks for that rant, unfortunately you've completely missed the point. The point isn't whether or not she can love two people. The issue is whether or not she is seriously considering the possibility of returning to a past love. This is always a risk if you cling to the feelings from a past relationship.

Love as many friends as you want. Involve yourself romantically with more than one at the same time: no, sorry, I choose not to associate with women who have those tendancies. I believe very strongly in the value of commitment to one person. This is a very important part of maintaining a strong family structure in our society. If she can't commit, I don't want her anymore. My preference. Deal with it.
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 16
Past Love
Posted: 7/17/2009 7:03:31 AM
I think you missed this part, Kimbo.

"Love as many friends as you want. "

Please don't try to justify infidelity.

I responded the way I did because I object to the tone of BigDaddy's post. He isn't expressing an opinion, he is clobbering with a sledgehammer. Feel free to have you opinion, express the opinion, but don't impose it or force it on others. I am happy to listen to many different and opposing opinions. There are lots of people, lots of ideas, that's why I started this thread. I am seeking those perspectives. I'll pass on the sledgehammer, however.

Exactly, 1rose4440. This is indeed the concern.
Joined: 10/2/2007
Msg: 17
Past Love
Posted: 7/17/2009 7:49:19 AM
Since you asked the question, I think we know what your feelings are. It makes you uncomfortable and you believe she still harbors feelings for him. Here's a couple of things I think...

- First, you should communicate this to her. She is not simply "hanging out with an ex, or talking to an ex". She is talking about her "feelings", or as many people try to distinguish when these threads come up, her "past feelings". There is a BIG difference between this and simply hanging out, expecially when she talks to YOU about them.

- ALL relationships that end need emotional closure. More specifically, and for lack of a better term, "relationship emotions closure". Friends with ex, fine. Talk once in awhile as part of your everyday life where you talk to ALL friends once in awhile, fine. But anyone who takes it beyond that kind of friendship is both fooling themselves and being unfair to any current relationship.

- This is not about whether she can love more than one person in her lifetime. I believe you can. It's about letting the past go. I think anyone who brings it up as she has, has not done that yet.

Talk to her soon. You need to find out some answers for the questions you obviously have. And for those that say anything to the effect that you should get over it and trust her, blah, blah, blah... It works two ways. If she can't handle the fact that he asks about this and the fact that he finds it uncomfortable, then she may not be the right one for him, either.
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 18
Past Love
Posted: 7/17/2009 8:06:05 AM
Thanks, Krookie.

Having spoken to her, there is no doubt she still harbours feelings (but, her feelings are complicated - she sees both his negative and positive characteristics). For now, I am giving her that space so she can find closure. If she can't, I'll have to end the relationship. She can't have us both.
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 19
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Past Love
Posted: 7/17/2009 8:31:02 AM

He is still alive, and they are actively communicating again. Every time he contacts her it rekindles those old feelings she had, makes her very sad, however for some reason she still chooses to maintain the communication.

She feels like the reason for the breakup was all about her wrongs and hasn't come to grips with the fact that he did things wrong as well. The relationship was unresolved. If you love her and can support her through this without being too judgmental about the contact then perhaps she can move on and put him away for good.

She needs to know how loving and supportive you are. The good qualities that you have to offer her and to realize that she deserves such good things in her life.

If, however, she cannot get past it within a reasonable amount of time and is still contacting him you would probably be better off moving on.
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 20
Past Love
Posted: 7/18/2009 8:56:42 AM
Twilight, you have nailed it exactly. She does indeed blame herself. It was one of those relationships which simply couldn't work, not because there was something wrong with either one of them. The circumstances simply make it bad for both.

And yes, City, this was her first love.

I'm going to give her some time and my patience to figure this out for herself.

Thanks again, everybody.
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 21
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Past Love
Posted: 7/18/2009 9:03:47 AM
There's always a residual emotional spillover effect. We can't help it. We humans are programmed by the past and we can't help but let it continue to resurface in the present. It's all we know! It's simply a lack of knowledge about the future. One we have new and better input, once our neuro-pathways are redirected and retrained by the current honey in a new and better direction, then we forget about the past.

She must've been wounded grievously by the ex. Tread with caution and be sensitive.
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 22
Past Love
Posted: 7/18/2009 9:57:04 AM
Hey Kimbo, cool it!

Both You and Daddy have deemed it appropriate to go on a personal attack. Everybody else is simply offering opinions.

Please take your personal attacks elsewhere. This is a common problem on these forums. Some people have an overwhelming desire to create conflict and make it personal.
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 23
Past Love
Posted: 7/18/2009 10:11:31 AM
"... love that fiercely when it ain't you it's being projected at yet."

Ummm, yes Daddy, but this is where you were missing the point. She claims that she DOES love me that fiercly. Thus, my thread. Can a woman truly love two people THAT fiercly, or is she fooling herself?

I am honestly trying to understand where her heart really is. If a woman is truly committed to a man, her "fierce" love should be exclusively focused on him. Otherwise, the whoe issue of commitment to one person because meaningless.

If you don't agree with the above paragraph, by implication, you are justifying infidelity. Actually, you are in effect arguing that infidelity doesn't really exist as a relevant issue in relationships.
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 24
Past Love
Posted: 7/18/2009 1:02:17 PM
You know, Daddy, the more I think about this the more rediculous your statement appears to me.

"Just be honest that you're leaving because you're selfish and insecure and can't handle the fact that someone can love that fiercely when it ain't you it's being projected at yet."

Why is this selfishness or insecurity unjustified? Why else are we in a committed relationship with a person? Of course, I expect that after 15 months of a committed relationship with her daily claiming that she loves me, her fierce love would be directed exclusively at me. What is wrong with this? Expecting this isn't unhealthy; it is very normal and reasonable. If this is not how she feels after 15 months of committed relationship, am I in fact very right to conclude that she is not the right woman for me to start a family? How much time is she entitled to? At what point MUST I be selfish, without demonstrating a complete lack of self-esteem. I want a normal, healthy relationship with a woman who loves me and wants to commit herself to me. This is very healthy selfishness. I would expect the same from her, for you, and for any other man or woman.

I think you need to reevaluate your way of thinking, Daddy. Perhaps, you are giving too much to women. Perhaps, you aren't demanding enough for yourself.
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 25
Past Love
Posted: 7/18/2009 9:00:12 PM
Daddy, read what Goodewitch just wrote. Increasingly this is my attitude as well. My patience with this ex situation is close to its limit, and my gf now knows exactly how I feel.

Sorry to Daddy and others. My reaction to you is a consequence of my frustration with the gf. Your attitude, and perhaps mine, likely offers her way too much understanding. She won't find closure with the ex if she isn't made to know what she'll lose. This is a balancing act. I can't push too hard, nor can I push too little.

Actually, I'll just express to her honestly what I feel and let the chips fall where they may. Daddy, this is healthy selfishness, and I have a right to be insecure; the nature of my relationship is for the moment, unhealthy. Perhaps, I can make it healthy, but if not, I'll be changing my status on PF.

.... but you also need to realize that I am attempting to maintain a long distance relationship. After every long multi-week meeting in person with her, which I just had a couple of weeks ago, I go through a period with her where there is a communication break down - where we shift back to phone, chat etc. from the in person contact. Each time for a period of about 4 weeks afterwards we have struggled to communicate well. I need to honestly consider that I am completely misinterpreting her real feelings for the ex. For those of you who have never attempted the long distance relationship, communication is very, very difficult. Also, you need to be enormously patient and trusting to make this work. I have to cope with this long distance for 9 more months.

Thanks again everybody.
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 26
Past Love
Posted: 11/20/2009 9:20:55 AM
So, those of you who advised me to dump this woman were correct.

She has been involved with this guy romantically for longer than the 18 months I've known her. It has continued during the time I have known her. Now, she is one month pregnant with his baby. However, she still want to be with me, keep the baby, come to Canada with this man's baby .... What the Fu *** ck!!!!!!!?????????
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