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 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 13
No Confidence...Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

I had the same problem at one time. I'm a big guy too and having low self-esteem didn't help.


I am quoting this because it's not only awesome, but it says that you can achieve anything you want to achieve, as long as you put your mind and soul to it.

With that said, I am going to now go to the other extreme. OP it looks like your problem is way deep, and the problem is how to achieve change when you are at an age where is very difficult to change your Modus Operanda. So you need to completely change the way you think and the only way to do that is starting with your body. Exercise. Get on a tread mill, walk (don't run yet), spin, but get your physical self in a better state. As is not only that brings your confidence down, but you are one heart attack waiting to happen.

Once you start with the self, then you can think of what you are good at and what you are not. Capitalize in what you are good at, but also look at some of the other things that you are not, and develop strategies to improve it. Then talk to every body, pretty, ugly, big, small, young, old. Everybody. And go from there.
 expat57
Joined: 2/20/2008
Msg: 14
view profile
History
No Confidence...
Posted: 7/20/2009 7:00:17 AM
Dude, there is not a thing wrong with the way you look.

I know an AMAZING and lovely woman who was quite the head-turner in her youth (and still a beauty) but at 60+ she now frets that men are only looking for very young chickas that could define Victoria's Secret or Frederick's of Hollywood .. or even Vogue! Once people meet face to face, good hygiene is coolbeans but there are very few perfect specimens on this planet. No one is looking for perfection. They are looking for you, your smile and your attendance.

It's a fun night out. Sign up and go. Just be yourself. Take the pressure off yourself: Plan to make friends. Go again no matter how things feel that first time. Soon you'll be a regular. Confidence will grow with success. Plus, you've posted publicly about it. Now you HAVE to go and this next event going will be easy. People will be kind. I promise!

For you
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FD8ljNobUys
 ttails21
Joined: 2/12/2006
Msg: 15
No Confidence...
Posted: 7/20/2009 7:22:18 AM
Do suffer from this some myself . Had a lot of thinks occur in my past ( with relationships that was far beyond my control ) . But just working on ways to build my own confidence and belief in myself again to date. I have no problem seeming to help build the confidence in some others but just have to get past that one stumbling block in my path. Do and have build up a small but growing list of friends that are important and supportive . Close personal friends can means more in the long run in building the confidence one needs along with the willingness to make changes in ones own life. For now I still have two woman that trusts me as a friend , big brother and mentor for ones child. That is a start. I do realize that there is no perfect person out there and we all have some flaws and baggage in life. I can except that just looking for that person that can do the same.
 Commonsens
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 16
No Confidence...
Posted: 7/20/2009 7:58:40 AM
Madmax, I will never giggle on such matters.
Having been a host or co-host for such parties for years, i've seen hundreds of guys in your situation and with the same perspective as yours.

Let me tell you 2 facts that might make you ponder your views on yourself:

1) I knew a man, right here on POF, who was ugly as hell but he overcame his physical lack by a great, open and optimistic personality. He have found someone, a nice lady and they are both made a great couple for 6 years. So having a "not so pleasing" outer shell is not really a roadblock until YOU make it one and use it as a justification for failure instead of a simple bump toward winning.

2) Been of half decent looking myself, you might think that I have several proposals in my camp? quite the opposite in reality! very very few in fact! some are intimidated? false impression? Did I missed, did something or didn't do? reasons can be various! but I do not let this drag me down as I changed my views on life and think that no matter what , am whom I am and that the perfect person for me will will see me for whom I really am, and not just an outer shell. The fact to receive very few proposal do not remove an iota of my self worth or confidence in my abilities as a human being.

In your case: The day you will start to open to people, they will open up for you.
One trick I can give you to put yourself at ease during those kind of social encounter is to stop looking at women as women but as human being first; the variable of gender will be lifted, you will be more at ease as you will be able to talk as if you where talking to another guy or something, be more PRO ACTIVE and reach out to people, and women will be able to see you for yourself, the inner you.
What is to fear to try? the only thing to fear is fear itself..and beside what do you have to lose? only the chance to meet someone if you do nothing.

Good luck!
 Merrylass
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 17
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History
No Confidence...
Posted: 7/20/2009 7:59:24 AM
Forget about yourself. Go out and focus on being friendly - be the first to say hi, with a warm smile. Ask people about themselves; 'have you been to one of these before', 'do you like the food/music here', 'have you lived here long', etc. Nothing too personal, but just be interested in them - that starts conversations.

For sure, don't expect to find The One - just go planning to meet some new folks and perhaps to find some potential new friends. 3/4 of the world is insecure; the mistake some insecure people make is spending the night thinking about themselves; 'do I look ok?' 'Look, nobody's talking to me', etc. Take your mind off you and focus on others and you'll have a good time.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 18
No Confidence...
Posted: 7/20/2009 8:24:04 AM

stop looking at women as women but as human being first; the variable of gender will be lifted, you will be more at ease as you will be able to talk as if you where talking to another guy or something,


This is actually some of the best advice any man can have. The reason is that when a man sees a woman he finds attractive, he assumes a new personality that has a protective shell, so the woman will not see his fears, his insecurities and actually his true self, and instead invents this image of who he is that is completely wrong. He becomes the overly attentive gentleman, or the super nice guy. Both are creatures that women tell you they like, but seldom do they become the men women lust after. But when guys remove the pedestal from the "woman", stop trying to impress her, buy her, either by the "neg" techniques that are out there, or the opposite, where guys tell the woman how pretty she is, or how much they already love her. So instead the guy needs to act, as bad, as good as he would be with his friends. That in itself projects into woman confidence because when you are with your friends you are not afraid of what they may say, you just say it. Also, the moment that you remove that stigma, you are going to be able to talk and relate to that person, not as an object of your desire, but someone you may find yourself, connecting. And that is half the battle.
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 19
No Confidence...
Posted: 7/20/2009 8:44:38 AM
He might not prefer Kate Moss ( some men believe it or not prefer women with curves), but there is truth in what a previous poster said regarding what to do and how to act in order to gain the attention of a woman of substance. (substantial intellect, personality, body, etc.)
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 20
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History
No Confidence...
Posted: 7/20/2009 9:43:19 AM
Gary, if you have doubts about your looks (don't we all), be confident in other ways, like your intelligence, passion and knowledge about a particular subject. Then, smile at the lady you like and be warmly affectionate, touching them occasionally to test her receptiveness.
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 21
No Confidence...
Posted: 7/20/2009 10:18:04 AM
And if he is smaller in size he will automatically have loads of self confidence and attract masses of women?
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 22
No Confidence...
Posted: 7/20/2009 12:08:13 PM
There are no guarantees , as he may or may not attract more women if he slims down. I have attracted more men as a plump woman than I attracted as a thinner woman, and have more self confidence as a plump woman. (maybe being self confident is attractive to men who like confident women) Your idea is a hypothesis, which can be proven if he slims down, and the slimming down does make him have more confidence and he attracts more women. I have known of at least several situations where men lost weight, became confident, were expecting to see a big change in the number and caliber of people they attracted, and due to them having the same personality per say as they did when they were larger and the same facial features, became fraught with emotional problems as a result of unrealistic expectations. Not to say that that is the norm after weight loss occurs, just relating what I have seen. I would value an opinion of a man who has been there and done that over someone who gives advice and/or platitudes according to what most people in society think.
 Sabrosura
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 23
No Confidence...
Posted: 7/20/2009 12:22:01 PM
OP: Build your confidence/self-esteem. If your exterior is placing you in a state-of-mind that you are unhappy with do something to change this. Take walks, buy some weights, and be more conscious with your eating habits. Not only for dating/confidence purposes, but for your health.

Do YOU first, and then focus on the opposite gender (dating). You can't invite someone into your world if you aren't happy with yourself/life. You will only exude unhappiness/negativity and not many will gravitate towards you.

Best,

 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 24
No Confidence...
Posted: 7/20/2009 12:28:02 PM
The OP might need to work on liking himself for who he is, not how much he weighs or how handsome his face might be. He appears to be far from hideous looking (whatever hideous might be). Changing a few lines in his profile might help him attract more women, and doing the weight loss thing is great if he wants to do it. I am not saying that he does not need to change things if that would help him as a person. It just seems as if the majority of people who broadcast "Lose weight and life will be peachy" have not never been a larger person, and they fail to look at what is inside the package, as some packages have contents that outweigh the wrappings. (no pun intended)
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 25
No Confidence...
Posted: 7/20/2009 1:23:32 PM

If Gary slims down, not only will he be healthier and happier, but most likely he will start to feel better about himself and the appearance he projects,


Believe it or not, all this things are related. It is called projection. What you do in one area projects into another area. If you picked a physical activity and achieve something, that will project in other areas. If you lose the weight, your self image will give you confidence. Simply because you made a mental commitment, you followed through and achieve. Take any management motivational seminar, leadership workshop and they may have you do strange physical activities from walking through fire to breaking bricks, why, because once you make one mental projection you can take that to anything else, and that other activity will not look difficult at all.
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 26
No Confidence...
Posted: 7/20/2009 1:48:56 PM
True, to some extent, but that still is no guarantee that he will be popular with the woman and get tons of dates. Can no one except me entertain the idea that if he met women who accepted him as he is now that his self confidence might improve? There is always this scenario- he loses a lot of weight, meets a wonderful fat woman, she does not like his personality and he then gets on POF to gripe about how dare she not like him cause she is fat and she should feel honored that he even talkd to her, or he loses a lot of weight, thinks he is the greatest thing since sliced bread, becomes a total player lovem and leavem type, then women can gripe on POF about how he is a player. How about he meets a woman and they like each other for who they are, not what they look like and they decide to actually date each other instead of playing games.....how boring and without drama....sounds like a winner to me...
 Sabrosura
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 27
No Confidence...
Posted: 7/20/2009 4:14:24 PM
Fifi: I see where you are going with this, but according to Gary he doesn't appear to be happy because of his appearance (overweight issue). So why not address those elements and work towards a healthier lifestyle? It will be a two-fold goal; get healthier and feel better about his person (build his confidence).

Of course losing weight is not going to guarantee him "tons" of dates/a "happily ever after ending". The only things in life that are guaranteed is death and taxes. However, you better believe that when one is healthier and working towards a better lifestyle it's like a HIGH.

That sounds like a winner to me!
 mcwr
Joined: 3/24/2009
Msg: 28
No Confidence...
Posted: 7/20/2009 4:19:28 PM

Hi all, know some ppl would prob have a good old giggle at this thread ,but as much as I would love to join peeps on the various singles nites out,I find that due to my lack of confidence which is I supposed caused by my lack of looks and body type, no doubt theres been peeps in my position be4, but find that lots of ppl judge on 1st impression ,was wondering how others got over that hurdle....?Anyway any info or support to enable me to start joining these days/nites will be very much appreciated...thanx Gary


Hi Gary. If you are concerned about your looks and body type, speak to a nutritionalist or a doctor about a diet, and start a workout program that includes cardio and weight training. That is your main concern, and only you can make that change. Then, once you have lost the extra weight, buy and wear nice clothes.

So the first thing you should do is get a diet plan, and change the way you eat. And join a local gym, doing 30 to 45 minutes of cardio 5 or 6 days a week. It will work.
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 29
No Confidence...
Posted: 7/20/2009 6:05:27 PM
That is your opinion, and I never said it was not worth trying to do something about, I was presented other options and ideas. Your definition and my definition of positive are not the same, which is why we each have our own ideas and beliefs.
 Fairhome
Joined: 8/2/2008
Msg: 30
view profile
History
No Confidence...
Posted: 7/27/2009 1:16:03 AM
OP! I'm 49 too about 6ft 190. Over the last year I lost 47 pounds. Stupidily I've put a few back on since memorial day, but Im going to get it back off. I started by walking a lot and cutting back on snack cakes and crackers. I've cut way back on soft drinks and mostly drink water. Latley I've been doing the couch to 5k program and I finished week 8. Im jogging about 30 mins at a time now, I couldn't go but maybe a min or two when I first started. I admit I still feel like crap and Im a loser, but Im proud of the weight I've lost. I've got a long way to go to get in good shape, but Im working on it. I suggest you start walking everyday. Get outside if its not too hot and take an easy 20 min walk- treadmills are boring. Then cut out your sweets and soft drinks and drink water. Try and get into healthy eating and fitness maybe you'll feel better- then maybe not. Just have to give it a try.
 Herculean
Joined: 7/21/2009
Msg: 31
No Confidence...
Posted: 7/27/2009 10:15:52 AM
Dating very ugly women... you know... sure things... can build confidence... OK, not a lot... but every little bit helps... and they are ever-so-grateful.

(OK, that was just kidding... )

Confidence is really a decision... nothing more. If you think your looks and body-type are too horrible for dating, look around and see if others with your type of physical appearance are dating. YEP... they are. So why not you? Decide to be confident... if you need help, buy a hat.
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 32
No Confidence...
Posted: 7/27/2009 2:32:05 PM
Unfortunately, these big hearted people are not very "marketable" these days unless they are good looking.
 sweet_n_heart
Joined: 1/31/2007
Msg: 33
No Confidence...
Posted: 7/27/2009 4:03:31 PM
Just go in with no expectations and you could be surprised at the results.
 strollinbella
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 34
No Confidence (A vague, general outline)
Posted: 7/27/2009 7:51:28 PM
Hi Gary. Having once been quite shy and insecure myself, I feel I can jump in here and give you some advice that has worked for me. Face your fear. You seem afraid of social situations because of the way you imagine those in attendance will react to you. Go there with the intent to speak to at least a few of the other guests. Join in a conversation, or start one yourself.

If it is a dance, you may feel more comfortable getting up with a group of people rather than dreading the task of asking a lady to dance. Don't worry so much about doing the right thing, having the right moves, whatever. Just relax and step outside the box.

One way I overcame my hesitance to be in a crowded room was to take up public speaking. The way I see it, if you can get up and do karaoke in front of strangers, you should have no trouble introducing yourself to a few people at a gathering. Remember too that it is unlikely you will be the only "newbie" there.

I've been attending the local POF functions for nearly 3 years, and have made many friends through my involvement with the group. I hope you will have the same measure of success.
 strollinbella
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 35
No Confidence...
Posted: 7/28/2009 5:59:19 AM
gourmetchef2009 makes a valid point in the post above mine. He says
<div class="quote"> personality is huge for women....act more positive...and then just throw yourself out to the 'wolves.' For many women, though looks may be important, the man's personality will be what makes or breaks the connection. I find a shy, though friendly, man much more attractive than one whose always got to be the center of attention. To the other extreme, I find a man who is overconfident,**** and obnoxious to be a total zero; in other words, totally unattractive to me, no matter how good looking he may be.

By the way David, msg 73, thanks for your comments.
 jarbarian2
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 36
No Confidence...
Posted: 8/1/2009 11:29:12 PM
Confidence comes from facing fears.

Scared of heights? Go skydiving.
Scared of spiders? Hold a tarantula.
Scared of being rejected? GET REJECTED A LOT!

Look, to build confidence you need to get out and talk to women. You have to face the fear of being rejected. You have to be prepared for it and not let it bother you. Not every woman you meet is going to be interested in you, but you will NEVER meet the one who is unless you talk to a lot of them.

I used to be scared of being rejected. Now, I just brush it off. It doesn't bother me anymore because I don't gain my validation from other people, especially women.

I have found it within myself.

Cheers.
 DeepLuv09
Joined: 7/24/2009
Msg: 37
No Confidence...
Posted: 8/2/2009 11:57:33 AM
OP
Great post. I have self-confidence issues myself that I hide with an "aloof" attitude which surprisingly some people find attractive. They assume you are keeping to yourself because you are "cool". I realize I have to love myself first because no matter how great guys I attract they can't make me love myself if I don't do that. I think even with attract girls you have to deal with the issues that bring about your lack of confidence. Eg maybe you need to work out so that you can be the best of you and not feel deficient.
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