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 varinia
Joined: 1/1/2009
Msg: 18
Can somebody help?Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
"Bad men do this, bad men do that.....
Yes, a guy wanting to speak to you on the phone is a "bad man"....Beware!!!"

And i guess I must be a bad man ;-)

Boy, why hasn't anybody told me that before. Darn...I'm the wrong gender. That explains so much....I think I have to go for some surgery now to add some parts and get rid of others ;-)
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 19
Can somebody help?
Posted: 7/20/2009 1:51:45 PM
OP
Meeting people through the internet dating sites isn't for the faint of heart.
As long as they are giving you THEIR phone #,what's the problem? You can *67 to block your number from appearing on caller ID, or use one of those "disposable" cell phones. If he turns out to be just a horndog looking to set up a quick meet for some hanky panky, he can't track you down via your phone #.
Yeah I know, all the honest, decent guys here who truly ARE just looking to meet a good woman are probably pitching fits about my advice, but they aren't the ones dealing with guys who think "online dating site"= "free whorehouse".
Other than protecting your privacy, what's to be nervous about, talking to a guy on the phone. If he gets crass, hang up and block his number.
Cindy O
 SLAFFA
Joined: 8/13/2007
Msg: 21
Can somebody help?
Posted: 7/20/2009 3:40:35 PM
When typing or texting, a person can be anyone or anything they want to be. On the phone at least, it will be "harder" for them to misrepresent themselves or their intentions.

You WILL lose some Fish by wanting to "prolong " the emails. Most people have learned through experience that talking or meeting sooner rather than later is almost always better.

The good thing is, it's YOUR choice.
 blondblueyed
Joined: 8/23/2005
Msg: 22
Can somebody help?
Posted: 7/20/2009 3:56:50 PM
OP, I don’t think you are wrong, you just happen to be in contact with men that don’t approach online dating the way that you do. In my opinion if they disappear, what’s the big deal? Let them move on to someone that goes at the same pace and you do the same. Do what is comfortable for you.

I happened to agree though with the poster that mentioned anything that feels like pressure, demanding I will add begging to that as well.

I have had great meets/dates with guys on a whim as well as after weeks or even months of contacting, I have had nightmares from both also, there is no way to tell which is right or wrong, best or worst. You can only go by your own comfort level, if you continue to be “spurned” for an incredibly long time that would be the time to possibly “rethink” your approach.
 mcwr
Joined: 3/24/2009
Msg: 23
Can somebody help?
Posted: 7/20/2009 3:59:44 PM
It's your choice whether to call or not. I think that most men will think that you are either not interested in them, or afraid of them, if you won't call them. In either case, it's time to move on.
 varinia
Joined: 1/1/2009
Msg: 24
Can somebody help?
Posted: 7/20/2009 4:51:40 PM
Here is another reason why I think meeting sooner, rather than later is better. This is only my theory, mind you:

Let's say we all have 4 walls, that we potentially can let down. The most we'll ever really
let down is 3. The 4th one is the stuff that we don't tell anyone, our secret thoughts and whatever. Think of the 4th wall as our security blanket.

When we're in email contact with someone it becomes really easy to let the 3 walls down, because we have that security - call it 'not being physically in each other's presence'. We're safe and we can easily reveal all kinds of things about ourselves. We can be as open as we can possibly be.

Then we go to the phone and again, we have that 4th wall/security up, because we're not in each other's physical presence.

It's easy to build up a certain intimacy that gets our hopes up.

So, now when we actually meet we've lost that 4th wall. We've built up this intimacy and let everything else out, so now we compensate by taking a step back to give us some more security. We're a little more closed up than we were by email or phone. So, now we're a little different, a little more distant, and that easily translates into 'no chemistry'.

Because we've spent so much time getting close, that we now have the expectation of meeting that same person. But that person isn't as open as they were before. That translates into disappointment.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 26
view profile
History
Can somebody help?
Posted: 7/20/2009 9:13:24 PM
I don't give my phone number out and I don't meet right away, those who don't like that won't want to date me so it's no loss to either one of us, we aren't compatible. It has nothing to do with being nervous or having any hang up, I don't like the phone to ring, I don't know a guy well enough that soon to want him to call me, I'm not looking to hook up, just to getting to know someone and I'll be doing that online until I feel like moving to meeting him, if I like him after meeting him then maybe I'll give out my phone number. I hate phones. I am in no rush to meet someone. I'm also free to change my mind, who knows, I take it on how I feel at the time.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 27
view profile
History
Can somebody help?
Posted: 7/21/2009 10:52:45 AM
I don't think it was intended to be a gender thing but it is her experience and I have experienced the same. I don't know if women do this to men but because some people would rather write and get to know a little more before phoning and some women have mentioned that they would like to move to phone and first meet pretty quickly, I imagine that some men might feel like the OP as well if a woman split because he was slightly reticent.

OP, you do what's comfortable for you because you are more likely to find someone with whom you are compatible that way.
 Eibu
Joined: 1/18/2009
Msg: 28
Can somebody help?
Posted: 7/21/2009 10:59:15 AM
take it out as your weeding out the bad ones. Everyone has the right to their own preferences and whatever you wish to seek and find out of this site remain patient or take the chance or something you see has potential. You've just run into the bad ones so far who are different stages of their life or pof career. There are some guys who are not rush rush etc and are looking for a slow pace to create something wonderful.


Best of luck :)
 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 29
Can somebody help?
Posted: 7/21/2009 11:24:12 AM
Delaying meeting doesnt quarentee anything either. Been there done that, wasted his time and mine.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 30
Can somebody help?
Posted: 7/21/2009 11:36:51 AM

Some stranger starts putting PRESSURE on me to do something
I'm not ready to do and he is history.


Yet there are men that will not pressure you, but will ask, if you say no, they will say "as you wish" but then they will move on. That simple. And you will never know if that was the guy for you or not. But that is your prerogative and actually works best for both since I would never fit into the patient, sensitive, gentle type. Being an intuitive type of person, I can feel right away whether a woman would be a waste of time, a teaser, one that wants to be pen palls, or ring you around to turn you into Just friends.
 airconditioninthesummer
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 31
Can somebody help?
Posted: 7/21/2009 12:48:24 PM
OP, you're here for you first of all. if you want to spend a year writing and sending email, then i salute you! take YOUR time. not theirs.

 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 32
Can somebody help?
Posted: 7/21/2009 1:17:19 PM
if anyone pressures you to do something you're not comfortable with and then disappears when you won't comply with their demands, then they've revealed something about themselves that is not usually perceived as an attractive trait

...unless someone wants to be with a bullying type personality, that is...
 seekndestroy
Joined: 8/20/2008
Msg: 33
Can somebody help?
Posted: 7/21/2009 1:24:39 PM
[qoute] Here is another reason why I think meeting sooner, rather than later is better. This is only my theory, mind you:

Let's say we all have 4 walls, that we potentially can let down. The most we'll ever really
let down is 3. The 4th one is the stuff that we don't tell anyone, our secret thoughts and whatever. Think of the 4th wall as our security blanket.

When we're in email contact with someone it becomes really easy to let the 3 walls down, because we have that security - call it 'not being physically in each other's presence'. We're safe and we can easily reveal all kinds of things about ourselves. We can be as open as we can possibly be.
Then we go to the phone and again, we have that 4th wall/security up, because we're not in each other's physical presence.
It's easy to build up a certain intimacy that gets our hopes up.
So, now when we actually meet we've lost that 4th wall. We've built up this intimacy and let everything else out, so now we compensate by taking a step back to give us some more security. We're a little more closed up than we were by email or phone. So, now we're a little different, a little more distant, and that easily translates into 'no chemistry'.
Because we've spent so much time getting close, that we now have the expectation of meeting that same person. But that person isn't as open as they were before. That translates into disappointment.

and this is exactly why i always bring a sledge hammer along... or some C-4 and Det. cord.... i just like to blow s..t up !!!!

 wacowboy3
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 34
Can somebody help?
Posted: 7/22/2009 8:39:00 AM
I have been on dating sites for a number of years. I cant say I am an expert on the subject or I wouldnt still be here LOL I do find that some women are not really looking for a relationship just want to chat or email . Some believe they want a relationship , but because of past experiences are afraid to actually have one . Some just quit writing and ignore your emails becuase they dont feel any chemistry , or see something in your profile that they dont like or have unrelaistic expectations, or dont like to be mean so rather than explain and possibly hurt your feelings they do nothing . Personally I would rather they say dude yer ugly, old, not into you rather than ignore me, but hey thats just me and I do get over it . I will say I have probably had more failures than successes but at this stage of the game I dont have a clue on how to find women the old fashioned way LOL At least hear you can assume that they are single and looking where in real life you never know lol
 whothehellknows
Joined: 7/23/2006
Msg: 35
Can somebody help?
Posted: 7/22/2009 8:56:39 AM

Am I being to slow? I only have five days here and suffered already several rejections, just because I do not want to call on the phone, not just yet, I want to know the person a little more, through writing. Am I wrong?


It you don't want to talk on the phone, why sweat it if guys don't want to wait? Seriously. Obviously you two are looking for different things.

I wont send endless messages to someone if they aren't willing to meet fairly soon (like a week or two) for coffee/drinks/whatever as I don't think you can really get to know someone through messages and even phone calls. I've had contact with many people who were not comfortable with that and I can respect their view. But I also move along and seek elsewhere.

Not only do I not need to know all about you, I don't want to know all about you before meeting. I am looking for just normal dating/conversation/activity partner, so why the need to make it all serious? If we click in person than obviously I will want to learn more about the person and what makes them tick, how they feel about various things, etc., etc. If we don't click, then all I hope for is good conversation and a fairly nice time.
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 40
Can somebody help?
Posted: 7/22/2009 2:29:28 PM

Every time when I've spent time developing a friendship over email/phone I lose the friend when we don't 'click' in person, because men usually don't want to stay in touch. They're looking for a girlfriend, not a friend. I know, not every guy, but that's been my experience in general.


I pretty much agree with what Varinia wrote, in my experience on POF I have enjoyed so many great discussions only to be disapointed when we meet...If I find myself 'liking' someone I will meet/talk straight away...there is nothing worse than chatting to a guy via messaging/msn only to hear him on the phone sounding soooo feminine...this was an experience that snapped me out of the whole texting/messaging etc....meet them and get it over and done with.
 like2ski
Joined: 11/19/2006
Msg: 41
Can somebody help?
Posted: 7/22/2009 2:44:42 PM
no you are not wrong... single people looking for romance tend to be impatient... but since you only have 5 days here why are you trying to meet someone.... if you are leaving then that confuses me.... maybe when you tell someone you are here for a very short time they decide not to persue you any longer.... if someone is looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend then they would like that person accessable to them....

maybe i don't understand your situation... if you care to you can answer my email...

thanks...
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 43
view profile
History
Can somebody help?
Posted: 7/23/2009 1:17:46 AM
you've only been here a few days and you've been in contact with a couple guys who looked like they had potential, so you don't seem to lack for candidates. but your unsureness about your methods makes me wonder if you're as impatient as you're making them out to be, on a slightly different front: for a relationship, as opposed to just a phone call. "oh shi|t oh sh|t, i let them get away, did i blow my chances?"

as you do more of this process, you may come to see the merit in the pace these guys want. maybe not. be open to change and be patient.
 Izarith
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 45
Can somebody help?
Posted: 7/23/2009 2:09:09 AM
Hello Rosita5432,


I want to know the person a little more, through writing. Am I wrong?
Thank you for your help in advanced.


Welcome to Hell! Mua, ha, ha, ga,ga,ga

Listen to me Hon.

You should not worry about being refused. Those guys who stopped talking to you would have stopped anyway the second they did not get what they want.

This site has turned into a gigantic swingers club. And most men will dump you like a heavy bag of garbage after they get what they want.

There are good men on the site but the only way you will escape the torcher of getting your heart turned into ice is if you just do what you feel is comfortable.

If you want to message until you feel you know the person you do just that.

TA!!
Izzy.
 mistamalik
Joined: 7/19/2009
Msg: 48
Can somebody help?
Posted: 7/23/2009 7:26:04 AM
You're not wrong. You have every right to choose what is most comfortable to you. Some people are looking for instant results, and those type of people are probably just as pushy in person. Also, like approaching a person in public, meeting people online has it's pro's and con's. It's not easy for some people to open up to a complete stranger, especially online.

You have to do what makes you comfortable. If someone wants you bad enough, they'll write with no problem, and maybe if you really think they're hot then you'll want to immediately give them a call. You never know sometimes...

Best success.
 Izarith
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 49
Can somebody help?
Posted: 7/23/2009 7:08:44 PM
Hello Goodmangreg,


you both sound bitter and overly sensitive. Instead of talking about what men "getting what they want", why don't you instead both consider what you REALLY want and focus on that? Why don't you just try to consider this a process and for heavens sake HAVE FUN with it! Try not to put your heart on the line. Believe me, I've learned that I can't put my heart on the line either. Same goes for guys you know. I've had my heart handed to me a few times until I just made the decision to not take it so seriously and have fun.


Correction!

I sound bitter and I am. The OP sounds like fresh meet just before it's turned into hamburger.

But you are right about not putting your heart on the line and one should have fun and enjoy.

But the OP should do what she feels comfortable with. She does not have to give some dude her number because some jerk off on a forum said it was the right thing to do.

I'm just wanted to let her know, give her a heads up, about things on this site. It's not a bad site but it's not full of angels either. Piranhas are a fish too ya know.

But I am sure she can easily meet a nice guy who enjoys messaging with here back and forth so much that he totally forget about her phone number.

TA!!
Izzy.
 Birdman660
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 53
Can somebody help?
Posted: 7/24/2009 1:05:58 PM
Personally, this "chatting" thing doesn't work for me. Chemical reactions do not occur in the vacuum of cyberspace.

To me, this is only a screening device. If I feel there is something there, I would like to actually talk to a real live human being - and see if there is a real connection there.

And if we hit it off on the phone, I'd like to sit down over coffee or what ever, in a public place, and see if the person I am dealing with, is the person I am actually dealing with. Not someone playing "let's pretend" on the internet.

Too often "chatting" turns out to be a complete work of fiction. I don't have that kind of time to waste.
 Izarith
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 54
Can somebody help?
Posted: 7/25/2009 1:46:18 AM
Hello Splendere,


Are you not also, some jerk off the forum?


Anyone on a dating site is a jerk off, But that does not mean I'm going to be a jerk to a woman who has only recently had to join us jerk offs, I'm just not that cold. I might be a vulgar dissident but I keep to what's right.


Or are the jerks only those whom do not share your opinions?


No only the ones like you who feel they need to say needless things in a sad attempt to....

Well what ever it is your doing.


Kind of lame to call those with differing opinions from your own, “jerks”.


Lame is better than jerk.


Too bad the OP does not see how calling others names is not a worthy quality.


Maybe she does, have you asked her?


Or realize that bitter persons have little to offer that is not tainted.... with bitterness.


Have you ever heard of Bitter-sweetness?


Goodman seems like a level headed guy: I’d listen to him over “bitter”. But that’s just me; I tend to be flexible.


I have been thinking of doing some yoga. Maybe after yoga some guy who feels the need to call himself "Goodman" while wearing a tux wont seem to me like the himself.


I think the OP posted this thread to garner attention; she knew she was going to keep right on doing as she had been.


Maybe you should try being lame over a jerk, it might help you see the difference between someone trying for attention and a serious question from an inexperienced dater.

TA!!
Izzy.
 wacowboy3
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 55
Can somebody help?
Posted: 7/25/2009 8:07:18 PM
I have been on dating sites for a long time now. There are lots of good people here, and of course some not so nice people just like in the real world. I may not be an expert on internet dating or I would not be here. I have had some relationships from online dating just not anything permenant. There are lots of different ways to do this but this is what works for me .
1. I send an email if I see someone I am attracted to and we have common intrests and goals. (pictures do help )
2. After a few emails and if things are going well I give my number or ask for theres. Whatever they are comfortable with . Talking on the phone works better for me. I get to hear the tone of voice , and its not as easily misunderstood .
3. I want to meet this person fairly soon to see if there is any chemistry. Fairly soon can mean within a week or two depending on how far away they are or schedules.
Is my way the only way ? Of course not . I guess you will find out what you are comfortable with. Like others have said we all have ran into people that just want to email , and soon come to the realization that they have no intention of going further.
Sometimes I think internet dating is not all its cracked up to be. Lots of people have no respect for each other . Look at some of the replys ? Some seem to have to resort to name calling . If we would all keep in mind that whoever reads these emails, posts , blogs etc is another human being with feeling and emotions then maybe things would improve. Game players have alwasys been around in real life and on the internet . As for women just looking for sex on singles sites , I havent found that to be the case. Never in the last 10 yrs, have I found a woman online looking for just sex. Women have the key where sex is concerned. They decided if they will or wont . They dont need the internet if thats all they are after .
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