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 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 11
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Always on?Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Girl friend as I said, sometimes the best thing to do is JOIN HIM. He may enjoy it, or he may be annoyed that he has competition, LOL my son gets annoyed when he's in one of his hour long shtick.

Some times the very thing that draws two people together, are the very thing that drives each other apart. There is nothing wrong with balance, and if a person wants to know whether the other person HAS some balance, then it is about getting to know each other.

My SO and I have very different senses of humor. We went to the Transformer movie, and he would burst out into hard laughing, when nobody else was... LOL, I had to laugh, just because I was not finding what he found really funny, as funny.

Of course there are things about me that drives him bonkers, like I will listen to the tv while on the computer.

I don't get the impression you are trying to CHANGE the guy, but rather figure if he is doing these things for some purpose or reason, and if he will tone it down once he gets comfortable with you two's relationship.

I've been with my SO for a year yesterday, and we are still learning things about each other, and deciding if it is something that we can or can't live with for life... At this point we have decided that there isn't anything so extreme of the other that we can't work to find balance.

Good luck hun,

 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 12
Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 8:29:46 PM

Like, for me, weight is a big thing. In fact a critical factor, in terms of being interested or getting involved. If I, despite my self-knowledge about what does and doesn't attract me, chose to date someone who is "a few extra pounds, it wouldn't be reasonable nor fair for me to complain later that she is overweight.

Yeah I gotta comment on this...

It's easy to know about a person's weight in the beginning...this type of thing isn't so obvious at first...while dating you may not realize someone is entertaining anything that breathes while they are conscious on an ongoing basis for a lot of reasons, not the least of which are that you don't spend every waking moment together in the beginning, so while you enjoy it as part of their personality, you truly just don't know how deep it runs until you're around a while and that day comes where it all falls into place. Another thing is that people like this are somewhat aware they do this and try to tone it down or hide it to some extent until they're sure you're staying around for a while. They are more comfortable being themselves over time and it's more apparent to you further in....
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 13
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Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 8:35:30 PM
RenaissanceMan1950,
If it came across as boorish and obnoxious, it's quite another. It's a fine line, but that's something you determine right away, before getting involved.
It doesn't seem like the man was this way when they first got together, he was funny, but not to the point of overwhelming. Therefore she is wondering IF this is the real him, and he may have a "tone down button", which isn't a negative to me.

I don't see her complaining, some much as she is describing something that MAY be intolerable if he is this way all the time.

I gave her a POSSIBLE suggestion, because sometimes people don't realize that being on 24/7 is exhausting. Maybe he feels he needs to be that way, since that is what he may think is what attracted him to her. Shes 20 yrs younger, and maybe he feels the best thing that has happened to him... Is that bad???

I also don't get the impression she MINDS that he is funny, but it is exhausting when it is non stop.

As I said, I have a son who is a non stop comedian, however I need to let him know that him being on constantly is hard to deal with when there are times when quiet is golden, IE: like when we are watching a movie.

Ren, who pissed in your wheaties today??? J/K you know I love ya....
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 14
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Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 8:35:32 PM
I wouldn't date him, I like to keep it simple. I really dislike men who annoy the hell out of service staff just to get attention, it's rude, childish and shows a whole suitcase full of issues. No thanks, buh-bye
 varinia
Joined: 1/1/2009
Msg: 15
Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 8:39:38 PM
I haven't read all the responses, so this may have been brought up.

I think it's about being able to be in control. Let's say someone is insecure as a kid and others are laughing at him/her for something. That increases the insecurity. Now, they suddenly do something funny in purpose and find that they are no longer the victim, but they can control the laughter. People are no longer laughing at them, but with them.

It's a tool to keep people away from the softer inside. It's an easy way to hide who they really are. The role of the joker is one that has served them well all of their life and it keeps them from getting hurt. They're in control of the attention or laughs. They can direct and re-direct the attention, instead of being the 'victim' of unwanted attention. This allows him to keep people away from the real person that he is.

I don't know him and don't know if this fits. It's just my theory based on some 'jokers' that I knew.
 Sherlock101
Joined: 1/4/2007
Msg: 16
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Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 8:44:32 PM
He is who he is and sounds some what harmless. Regardless, he is being very rude to the company he's with at time's...
 Blue-Eyes-Shine
Joined: 11/26/2008
Msg: 17
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Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 9:09:00 PM
Not my type of guy...I'd run!
 areyouabletofindme
Joined: 7/18/2009
Msg: 18
Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 9:11:56 PM
OMG! Been there, 12 years ago. Just re-entering the dating scene after the end of a 14 year marriage. IMO they want...no NEED to be the centre of attention. My guess is this is the case here. If I may also be so bold as to say... you come across to me as a vivacious lady that people are drawn towards. Another thought along those lines is perhaps he is so proud to be on YOUR arm that he wants to bring attention to the fact that you are his, woman. Food for thought!! Oh, me and the guy...didn't work out! surprize, surprize. His antics would even embarass my young daughter into asking, "Mom, does --- have to be here when my friends come over? Hate to say it but the end is near, but you already knew that. ON is exhausting and we do want to conserve as mush energy as possible these days! On the upside, you couldn't be in a bettter place...look at all the fishes swimming all around you:)
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 19
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Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 11:57:15 PM

Nextthyme, I like the OP in other threads, but this whole process of wanting someone to change from what was known about him all along is annoying.


Oh shug I know, it is (and I so hate the redundancy of this) that men do the same thing.

For some men they want the woman they met that dressed sexy to all of the sudden cover up, because God forbid another man may ogle at his woman. Then of course there are those that want the person to NOT drink, OR are told that this person has a certain ailment, and a year or so down the road he's complaining how overwhelming it is that she has this illness.

It wasn't a surprise, because this was talked about straight up, but it still can be an issue.

I remember going put twice with someone I knew from Jr High. He told me after the 2nd date that I was NOT going to be wearing make up crap, and that I was not going to be miss fashion plate... WTF??? I have been paying my way for most of my adult life, make sure that I have my bills paid, and in fact have learned to make my budget stretch in ways a lot of people can't, or wouldn't dream of...

So I was just supposed to stop wearing make up, and stop wearing clothes I liked... Later days dude...

My point, I get what you are saying, however since I have seen many of the OP's posts, I don't get the impression she is out to change this guy. Perhaps see if this is how he is from now on, or if there is a tone it down knob, other wise she will have to decide whether he's worth it.

some times people mistake others of trying to change them, when in reality they are on;y trying to understand them... A least that is my take, and how I view things...
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 20
Always on?
Posted: 7/27/2009 12:34:10 AM
RenaissanceMan1950, IF AFL had said that he was always like this in the beginning I could understand your reaction. However she has tried to clarify it - more than once.

"The funny (ironic, not haha) thing is that when he approached me originally, he was not like that. And he's not always like that but I guess I just don't see the reason for constantly trying to entertain your date."

"we've been dating for about 2 months now. The first date--nope, he didn't do that at all."

She also tells us that he used to be a stock broker and sells real estate. If he's successful in either field I'm pretty sure that he knows very well how to control the routine. I don't think too many people are going to respect a business person that can't control himself.

It looks to me as though you are transferring some of your frustration with women that don't respect you for being honest onto AFL. While you have a very valid reason to be frustrated, her situation is not the same as yours.

Anyhoo, in a good relationship there are times for give and take - which only works if you respect each other. If everything is just about making one partner happy, the other is going to suffer.
 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 21
Always on?
Posted: 7/27/2009 12:41:59 AM
He sounds rather childish but more to the point, If you dont like who he is.... leave.
 afashionlady
Joined: 4/19/2008
Msg: 22
Always on?
Posted: 7/27/2009 4:28:58 AM
If I were with a gregarious, extroverted woman, who is funny and fun, that's one thing. If it came across as boorish and obnoxious, it's quite another. It's a fine line, but that's something you determine right away, before getting involved.


Hmm...I'm guessing you missed the post where I think I said...


NJbubble...no...we've been dating for about 2 months now. The first date--nope, he didn't do that at all.


And I think I also said that he isn't like this all of the time as well...so...not sure where our communication gap lies but I didn't tick you off.


The thing I find annoying about this OT, and the "hallejuiah chorus" who chime in with "what's wrong with him" isn't to say that the behavior would be attractive, or should be. It's merely to say that people are as they are, and if one knows that, and chooses to get involved, it seems dysfunctional to complain about things that you knew going in.


And if you don't know that someone wants your dates to be a variety show until it starts happening Renman? Again, the man I met was calm, confident and not "on." The man I went out on a first date with? Same way. As well as subsequent dates. THIS isn't the way he was when we first met...so there's no validity to your argument.


Like, for me, weight is a big thing. In fact a critical factor, in terms of being interested or getting involved. If I, despite my self-knowledge about what does and doesn't attract me, chose to date someone who is "a few extra pounds, it wouldn't be reasonable nor fair for me to complain later that she is overweight.


Seriously Renman...apples and bing cherries--your comparision isn't valid. Since we're going with the weight factor...I'm fat...it's obvious that when you see me, hey, fat chick. My weight just doesn't "materialize" out of nowhere. It's not something that you "discover over time" now is it? How is that the same as realizing that you're dating a wannabe entertainer...especially if the person doesn't do it for a living? Whatever, no, whoever has made you mad in the past is that person. Not me. Generalizing isn't something that you normally do...


while dating you may not realize someone is entertaining anything that breathes while they are conscious on an ongoing basis for a lot of reasons, not the least of which are that you don't spend every waking moment together in the beginning, so while you enjoy it as part of their personality, you truly just don't know how deep it runs until you're around a while and that day comes where it all falls into place.


WIP...thank you. That's what I mean.


I don't get the impression you are trying to CHANGE the guy, but rather figure if he is doing these things for some purpose or reason, and if he will tone it down once he gets comfortable with you two's relationship.


Nexthyme--exactly. That's what I'm wondering. If it's a front because he thinks he NEEDS to be this way to keep me interested and sticking around, or what. I do NOT want to change him...I'm pretty clear that people are who they are and at 63 he is who he is. I believe that I've said that isn't what I want.


Why are you hoping a 63 year old man will change?


Landra...dear...did you miss this part?


Change him? No--definitely not. But is asking someone to sometimes just be on a date with you, and you alone, enjoying your company and letting everyone else in the background stay in the background...is that really asking him to change?


*I* am not one of these women who subscribe to the "change my man" theory of dating.


At home the easiest way to turn him "off" is to turn him "on". Yep, that's right. Distract him with sex. LOL Well, if you are at that point in the relationship that is.


LOL...prurire...yes it works doesn't it? And yes, that DID make me smile--actually it made me laugh...



Nextthyme, I like the OP in other threads, but this whole process of wanting someone to change from what was known about him all along is annoying.


Ren...please separate what I'm asking about from women who've tried to change you! *I don't want him to change the fundamental person that he is*. I cannot be clearer about that. I did say above that this is NOT how he was "all along"...normally you read everything that someone says but it's like you're not this time.

I know about football season. Have dated men who are like that...and I don't get upset about it. Why? Because they say upfront...hey...football and Sundays babe...that's what I do. Since there are 6 other days of the week still available, AND, if the relationship is working right, the possibility of waking up with that person Sunday morning before they go into the "football zone", *I* don't get worked up about it. Heck, I have a female friend who is worse than some of you men with the whole football thing! She and I will talk on the days when there isn't a game--and oh I forgot about Monday night football. So 5 days...that's a lot.

You're ASSuming something that I've pretty much been clear about. There's no change request involved, there's no "this is how he was when we first met"...so...why choose me to take out your frustrations about OTHER WOMEN? LOL...you've gotta grind your axe with them.


It's a tool to keep people away from the softer inside. It's an easy way to hide who they really are. The role of the joker is one that has served them well all of their life and it keeps them from getting hurt. They're in control of the attention or laughs. They can direct and re-direct the attention, instead of being the 'victim' of unwanted attention. This allows him to keep people away from the real person that he is.


Varinia (yet another cool name!)...I never thought of that until I started reading responses last night. That would be sad wouldn't it? I hope it's not the case--when he doesn't try so hard he is still just as funny and charming as ever.


IMO they want...no NEED to be the centre of attention. My guess is this is the case here. If I may also be so bold as to say... you come across to me as a vivacious lady that people are drawn towards. Another thought along those lines is perhaps he is so proud to be on YOUR arm that he wants to bring attention to the fact that you are his, woman. Food for thought!!


Areyouabletofindme...thank you lovely lady. That's a very nice thing for you to say. And you're right--it IS food for thought--positive food at that! Thank you--that's something I will definitely think on.


some times people mistake others of trying to change them, when in reality they are only trying to understand them... A least that is my take, and how I view things...


NT...we must be sisters in spirit. If I were doing something and the person I was dating asked me to stop or asked me why I did it, I hope that I'd be enough of a grown up hear and listen to what they're saying to me and not tune them out and assume they're trying to change me.


AFL
 jadegreen
Joined: 2/3/2006
Msg: 23
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Always on?
Posted: 7/27/2009 7:50:28 AM
A lil "overly friendly" to everybody? I would probably not jive with that personality type either....if he doesn't know how to flip the entertaining switch off that could probably be quite annoying to the person he is spending the most time with...
Guess you gotta evaluate whether you are compatible now...guess you gotta be a real people love too and admire the attention he is giving others but it would be natural to need some attention from him too
 Sabrosura
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 24
Always on?
Posted: 7/27/2009 7:58:38 AM
OP: I personally would not date someone like him. It is a BIG TURN-OFF. If this is his personality, you either accept it or move on - you shouldn't want to change a person.

There's always the Ringling Bros & Barnum Bailey that he could very well join! :O)

Best,

 varinia
Joined: 1/1/2009
Msg: 25
Always on?
Posted: 7/27/2009 8:26:44 AM
OP,
what I wrot ein my earlier post would also fit with him not being that way at the beginning.

When you met he was 'safe'. You didn't know each other, there was no pressure to get deeper, it was more likely to be somewhat superficial. The more people get to know each other the more they shed their layers and let the other get to know them. That's when it gets scary for him. So, the more he has the desire to open up to you, the more he compensates with exterior things, joking, turning attention towards other people etc. He's scared of getting hurt and it's a defense mechanism.

Of course I can be wrong and this doesn't fit at all for him. That's for you to see.

I would suggest for you guys to do some things that only involve you both, but without the pressure of being home alone. Maybe a picnic in a quiet space, where there aren't any other people. Maybe a hike in a quiet park. Somewhere where he can't divert the attention and pull other people into the conversation, but where he also isn't under pressure of having to open up. That's when he may let go of that defense voluntarily.
 TheReason_
Joined: 5/16/2009
Msg: 26
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Always on?
Posted: 7/27/2009 8:32:03 AM
Some people are attention whores, some people are wallflowers. It takes all types.
 afashionlady
Joined: 4/19/2008
Msg: 27
Always on?
Posted: 7/27/2009 3:46:37 PM
Njbubble--oh no no no good lady! I was using what YOU said in response to someone else! LOL...no what YOU said was fine. Sorry about that! YOU are fine with your response...go back and reread my response to Renman and you'll see that I used your quote to respond to ALL of the very good responses.


afashion lady typed in response:
(NJbubble...no...we've been dating for about 2 months now. The first date--nope, he didn't do that at all. And I think I also said that he isn't like this all of the time as well...so...not sure where our communication gap lies but I didn't tick you off)

Also afashionlady you wrote:(This isn't a one-time deal...it happens almost ALL of the time we're out somewhere, and even if we're home alone! )

That is what I wrote, where do you get I was ticked off!
AFl that is my advice take it or leave it. Accept the guy or move on, someone that is a licensed psychologist might have an answer. However, Im not that and I dont think you are either.
 afashionlady
Joined: 4/19/2008
Msg: 28
Always on?
Posted: 7/27/2009 3:51:05 PM

You're right AFL. I wasn't reading thoroughly last night, and sort of jumped to a conclusion that wasn't a fair interpretation of your comments. I apologize.


Renman...it's all good. I figured you were having an off night sir.
 afashionlady
Joined: 4/19/2008
Msg: 29
Always on?
Posted: 7/27/2009 3:54:48 PM

I would suggest for you guys to do some things that only involve you both, but without the pressure of being home alone. Maybe a picnic in a quiet space, where there aren't any other people. Maybe a hike in a quiet park. Somewhere where he can't divert the attention and pull other people into the conversation, but where he also isn't under pressure of having to open up. That's when he may let go of that defense voluntarily.


Varinia...that's a good suggestion and definitely one I'll be making. I think a nice picnic somewhere would be great.

It would definitely allow me to see if he's uncomfortable being with just me and himself with no one else to entertain...thank you for the idea.
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 30
Always on?
Posted: 7/27/2009 4:02:09 PM
OP...I know of someone that is exactly the same. He's a friend so I can deal with it. To allow your mind to be 'still' is one of the hardest things anyone can do, it comes from inner acceptance, tranquility so hard to explain in mere words.

Your date seems to suffer from really low self esteem, don't let he's so called outgoing personality fool you because from my experience anything that's OVER done normally requires 'something' to be UNDONE....that 'something' could just as well be a constant need for reassurance. It's tiring and takes an enormous amount of energy to be with someone like that.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 31
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Always on?
Posted: 7/27/2009 5:24:19 PM

Your date seems to suffer from really low self esteem, don't let he's so called outgoing personality fool you because from my experience anything that's OVER done normally requires 'something' to be UNDONE....that 'something' could just as well be a constant need for reassurance. It's tiring and takes an enormous amount of energy to be with someone like that.


Arabianangel, this really is an absolute stellar point... My son is small in stature, so as the "little guy, who's oh so fun to mess with", his armor is his sense of humor. He can't beat the jocks, and being a brainiac isn't all that hot at 13, so to deflect the entertainment OTHER get out of picking at him for his size, he takes on the entertainer role... It is also part of his personality, however I think you really hit on something when you said when it's over the top.

My son is still finding himself, and I am sure will survive with out over whelming women with unend shticks... It makes a lot of sense when someone feels they have to compensate for something that has made them feel like they have something less than others seem to want...

Great point...
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 32
Always on?
Posted: 7/28/2009 2:25:25 AM
Nexthyme...at 13 your son still has a lot of growing to do, my youngest is 14 isn't tall at all, he was constantly nagging me to ask our local doctor lol...apparently whatever their height was at the age of two you just double it and this should be the height they end up with......looks like my son will be a approx 5ft11 which is a good height.

I've also noticed this trend with overweight people, ever notice the fatter a person is the funnier they tend to be?...(no offense intended).
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 33
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Always on?
Posted: 7/28/2009 7:51:45 AM
If this is newly emerging behaviour... or an amplification of who he usually is (which seems to be what you've indicated)... look for what might be causing it. You've mentioned he's watching the RE market slide. It occurs to me his days might be a bit blech right now and so going out with you represents a significant "high spot" for his day which might make him be a bit more 'on' than normal. Oddly enough, it might just be the euphoria of being with you AFL.

It also occurs to me, he might be feeling a bit down or insecure on the inside because of his current work situation and works up more of an 'act' to compensate for it. Given the possible interior landscape, he might be worried he'd be a real drag to be with otherwise. Kind of like "I'm laughing because the alternative is to cry" (well, the man card equivalent of that).
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 34
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Always on?
Posted: 7/29/2009 6:31:56 AM
Two things. My father was this way, it mortified me as a child/teen. Now, I don't know that he was into the silliness that you have described with the glass on the head, but the rest of it, the shameless flirting and talking to people, yup, that was my dad.

Guess what, that's me AND my kids. Something I noticed a few years ago, and something that I did recognize about my father as well, we get better service anywhere we go, people will break company rules to help us out, they may roll their eyes but most people in service jobs in particular are talked AT all day long, and people tend to like you even if they think you are too forward. I think if you asked him to chill and he didn't, I might have just gotten up and said, I thought I was with you, not everyone in the building and walked outside. No scene, just make it clear you've really had enough. My dad was one who more than occasionally didn't know when to stop. I don't think they mean to.

What is more strange is your comment about him not turning it off when you two are alone, that would strike me as a total inablity to deal with whether you really like him. I think mom's right on this one and depending on how long you are dating, will this continue to wear? I know there are worse things but bottom line it would mean constant ego stroking.
 Glenoran1
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 35
Always on?
Posted: 7/29/2009 12:22:14 PM
Op, a person who is 'on' is not focused on an audience -- you or anyone else -- other than to make sure he's holding their attention. He's focused on himself, experiencing and stroking himself. Even at home, you are an audience so he doesn't feel weird being that way with no one else present.

If he is not engaging in normal conversations with you, there is no connection really, other than as an audience, in my opinion. The age difference is more in line with a father/daughter image, anyway.

If he ignores you on outings and dates, in favour of whoever else is present, it is not a date; it is an opportunity to scream to a new audience, "Look at MEEEEEEEE!".

What you do about this is up to you, but if you can look at it from the outside, I think you will know what you have, and don't have, in terms of a 'relationship'.

My condolences.
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