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Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 2
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Need advice on moving out / ending relationshipPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
It's kind of like the band-aid thing, you can rip it off and heal and get on with it or you can keep letting whatever is left of you seep out while you leave the band-aid on.

If you really know the relationship is dead and cannot be revived even with counseling, you just need to grow a set and do it. Read what you wrote, is that the life you want to have for the rest of your life? I'm assuming you are young because I didn't look at the profile but we are probably talking several decades of living or not living as the case might be.

You're treading water, and not only are you never going to get anywhere, you will eventually drown unless you find a life preserver, whether it is fixing the relationship or saving yourself, remember you save him in the process. If you really do love him and don't have the guts to do it for yourself, do it to him, because he deserves more than merely existing as well.
 big pacific
Joined: 7/2/2009
Msg: 3
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Need advice on moving out / ending relationship
Posted: 7/27/2009 1:23:53 PM
as much as i hate cliches.

Life is too short, find what makes you happy. I'm excited to wake up next to my g/f, i literally smile every time i open my eyes. I wouldn't trade that for some books or a tv, or whatever property you have together. that stuff is easily replaced.
Joined: 5/29/2009
Msg: 4
Need advice on moving out / ending relationship
Posted: 7/27/2009 2:08:18 PM
It sounds like seven year itch plus one to me. What is common law marriage in your state? 5 years cohabitation is 3 years too long in California.

Checked your profile. Make him buy you a ring, and see if that spices it up a bit. You can't just let it die. Friendships are so much bettter than "infatuation" and "lust." At least get a "honeymoon vacation" before the divorce.
Joined: 5/29/2009
Msg: 6
Need advice on moving out / ending relationship
Posted: 7/27/2009 2:24:45 PM

LOL marriage has never been one of my goals, nor has jewelry, let alone divorce papers. *shudder*

I think you are all right. I held the incorrect but popular belief that cohabitation was the only requirement. According to this page, it is not:
Joined: 2/21/2005
Msg: 7
Need advice on moving out / ending relationship
Posted: 7/27/2009 2:25:59 PM
Sounds like you have a good relationship, just bored in the bedroom.
Go to, get a really hot outfit, like a naughty nurse, complete with garters and stockings, and a pair of rockin heels, and tell him to come and knock the webs off of it.
Everyone gets bored sometimes. Try spicing it up. If it still isn't working, then pack your crap and go!
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 13
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Need advice on moving out / ending relationship
Posted: 7/27/2009 6:30:07 PM

My soul has left the building.........There is just no joy or passion.......I want to leave and think it would be best for both of us, but then I'm overwhelmed with sadness at the thought.

I want to explore every possible option

he won't go to therapy

You don't want to leave, do you? You want to regain the chills and the passion and the crying with joy, don't you? But he won't make the effort.
You did the hard part. You are committed friends. And if you both fight to regain the passion, you could, but he won't.....and that is what hurts most of all.
I wanted to be one of those guys who would be married for 50 years. The divorce hit me so hard....I knew I would never have that dream. What I did not expect was that even when in love with another, seven years after, it would not feel the same. It wasn't complete. Many dates I go on with wonderful women, I feel nothing. There is no guarantee you will ever feel that in your life.
If you really want to explore every possible option, you have to put yourself on the line. You may be the only one making an effort for a while. And you could feel foolish.
But that is the only option. Because the fairytale stories we grew up with are not real.
Maybe you will feel as if you are dragging him through romance for a while, so be it.
But if you two still have the friendship, I think it is just a step away from the love you want.
Just my own romantic fluff. Decide if you are willing to fight for it.
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 14
Need advice on moving out / ending relationship
Posted: 7/27/2009 6:36:04 PM
Go to couple's therapy. Honestly.
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 17
Need advice on moving out / ending relationship
Posted: 7/27/2009 7:42:14 PM
I cant tell you what to do.. Only what i did, we talked about the problem we had nothing helped (yes we had only one main problem). There was no way of solving it. I knew it would be a waste of time to stay. I wasted too much time and there was always a reason not to leave. So one saturday i dicided that im leaving today right after work. No more thinking about it or what ever else. I made a choice and i would find a way to do it NOW. I put an urgency on moving out. asked my parents if i can move in right now today. Been told it would be o.k and they would clean up a room for me. Went home told her im leaving. Packed my stuff and within 3 hours i were out of there. There were things that i left behind as i didnt care i made a dicision to move out right now. Just did it and were much happier. You sound that you already know what you realy want and what is the right thing for YOU to do. Just do it.

Joined: 5/29/2009
Msg: 20
Need advice on moving out / ending relationship
Posted: 7/28/2009 10:42:40 AM
Go to couple's therapy. Honestly.

True that, and if you want magic, see the magic man who incorporates "sexual healing." Don't just look it up in the book. Get referrals.
Joined: 1/5/2006
Msg: 22
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Need advice on moving out / ending relationship
Posted: 7/28/2009 7:35:05 PM
What brought you two together if you never got off the ground to begin with ? There must be something of value in this relationship for both of you to stay in it this long. Maybe counseling would help. If the passion has gone out of the relationship, find a way to get it back.Sometimes we tend to take things for granted instead of cherishing them.How would you feel if he left you because he felt he was just doing time ? Nobody holds the key to your freedom but you.
Joined: 4/1/2009
Msg: 24
Need advice on moving out / ending relationship
Posted: 7/28/2009 8:39:38 PM
I would agree....pick one...move on...or stay and committed...might be the best
thing you do for you and your partner...
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 25
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Need advice on moving out / ending relationship
Posted: 7/28/2009 10:15:45 PM
We've all had a first failed relationship ... not a station-wagon romance, but what we thought was the real thing at one time or another ... only to have it go sour. Despite what precipitated it or what followed, we survived. We're here, aren't we?

We've just grown complacent and our lives/possessions are very much intertwined.
Concern over "How am I going to make it?" is very real, as it should be. But it should not be the tie that binds. The financial issues you mentioned, coupled with "possessions ... intertwined" says to me that you're over-emphasizing the materialistic aspects and missing the greater ones of your personal happiness. This is where only IsabelK knows what's best for IsabelK, and is a decision YOU must make on your own.

Trust me, some of the blunt comments here may not be exactly what you wanted to hear, but they're certainly valid. You see, you never really figure out what makes you truly happy (fulfilled, content, etc.) until you've experienced what does NOT make you happy. I'm confident it's safe to say a lot of us here have taken financial/material knocks one helluva a lot harder than you're worried about facing. Again, we've survived ... more importantly, we're moving on.

My soul has left the building ... There is just no joy or passion ...
In a "Hill Street Blues" episode, characters Frank and Joyce (perhaps Fay? -- whatever) were talking about their romance fading. A line (to the effect of), "The magic is just gone," was used. That perfectly summed-up the live-in relationship I was in at the time, and was the inspiration we both needed to end things amiably ... before we'd part as enemies. Dumb as this analogy sounds, I think it illustrates your situation (and the reality you must come to grips with) quite well.

You'll do just fine.
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