Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 DeepLuv09
Joined: 7/24/2009
Msg: 11
Can't have a future when you are stuck in the past--Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
What my past has taught me is that I don't exactly need a guy to be happy which is a liberating feeling. It has also helped me understand the male mind in general which is helpful for everyday relationships. I am open to meeting someone but I am not desperate! I hope that will not be construed as bitterness coz I feel nothing but blisss and emancipation.
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 13
view profile
History
Can't have a future when you are stuck in the past--
Posted: 8/2/2009 4:33:06 PM
My past is long gone..I have been divorced longer than I was married..and have dealt with almost all the issues, and don't dwell on any that linger..the relationships I have had since the divorce were not traumatic enough in ending to linger...

I think that if I have any disappointments that still bug me, they are actually ones I have experienced recently...but, they don't take hold..thank goodness..

I'm not one to complain about the ex anyway...he really wasn't a bad guy, and it wasn't all his fault we didn't work...

I also feel bad for those that are still reliving the things that happened in a previous relationship...it does keep you from living and enjoying life now..and it makes you suspicious, cynical and jaded...none of which are good for one personally, let alone for another. Dates that consist of one long rant about how the ex screwed them can be exhausting and unpleasant too...how can you feel love when you are consumed by anger?
 CompletelyDone
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 14
Can't have a future when you are stuck in the past--
Posted: 8/2/2009 4:33:44 PM

It completely blows my mind how many people in these forums are still holding on to the past, harboring hate, and/or having attitude because of their past relationships. This is a dating site, and when I see a man or woman saying such negative things about their exes it tells me that they're not over their past. It tells me that they are not ready to move on.


I am surprised that you are surprised OP. That hatred and "attitude" are often the signs of tremendous grief and most people really don't know how to handle grief. They get stuck in the first few stages and swing back and forth in between them (i.e. denial, anger, bargaining, anger, denial, bargaining, etc.).

Being stuck, sucks! It's a lonely place to be and it's just full of confusion, heightened emotions that parallel lowered logic and well... more confusion. In the midst of it all, it's pretty normal for people to get pi$$ed off about feeling like they've lost so much. It's pretty hard to realize that whether we like it or not, we have no choice other than to walk through the heart of it. That takes courage. Instead of doing that, many people simply pretend it isn't there OR that they don't feel sad.

If a dating site could be composed of only people who have never been through relationships, then you would likely find the happy positive people you would expect to see on a dating site but 1000's of people are still grieving their way along. The hatred, hostility and animosity is only a symptom of the underlying condition.

The forums can actually be helpful to people who are grieving if only to lessen the loneliness of that time. I think many on here do a lot of encouraging, reassuring and even offering wisdom through some tough love dynamics.

While a grieving person needs a lot more than a date, I think we can help each other to work through those times when we have what I call "the pinched-up miseries". It's all good...
 RenaissanceMan1950
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 17
Can't have a future when you are stuck in the past--
Posted: 8/2/2009 4:52:16 PM

It completely blows my mind how many people in these forums are still holding on to the past, harboring hate, and/or having attitude because of their past relationships.


People with unresolved issues from a prior relationship will often act out with negative comments about the opposite sex, and be so focused on "controlling" their fears from past relationships, that they come across as "controlling", angry and bitter. Few will find that attractive, which just validates the bitterness and anger, and it becomes a vicious cycle of self-validating anger towards the opposite sex.

I know that, when I see the angry posts that assign some negative trait to "all men", I run in the opposite direction. How anyone who is in that "place" hopes to find anyone interested in her has always mystified me.
 CompletelyDone
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 20
Can't have a future when you are stuck in the past--
Posted: 8/2/2009 5:04:54 PM

Letting go of pain, hurt and forgiving someone, that makes life so much easier.


It sure does OP. I quite agree with you. Unfortunately, that "letting go" is a process that most of us didn't learn about in school. When I look back over my younger years, I can only wish I'd known then what I've finally stopped to learn about in the last couple of years. It wasn't that I didn't want to know how to get through painful times and how to "let go"... It was that there was so much more to it than appears on the surface. It isn't like bagging an old outfit into the garbage and buying a new one. There comes a time when it involves an entire assessment of where a person is at emotionally, psychologically, financially and even, physically. Then, it involves re-centering... Sometimes, it even involves something as simple as learning how to breathe deeply.

We can only wish it was easier but then, I don't think we'd learn what most of us are here to learn which is, of course, how to be strong in the face of our own particular challenges. I guess we can wish huh???
 Lovinlifeat44
Joined: 9/22/2007
Msg: 21
Can't have a future when you are stuck in the past--
Posted: 8/2/2009 5:12:42 PM
Gonesailing...

OMG! I just couldn't imagine! That is one seriously messed up woman and he went back to her?

I had a best girlfriend whose niece was killed by her sister's ex-husband. She was only 6 years old. What could be running through these people's minds to do something like this?
 jesseld
Joined: 12/24/2007
Msg: 22
Can't have a future when you are stuck in the past--
Posted: 8/2/2009 5:21:57 PM

It completely blows my mind how many people in these forums are still holding on to the past, harboring hate, and/or having attitude because of their past relationships. This is a dating site, and when I see a man or woman saying such negative things about their exes it tells me that they're not over their past. It tells me that they are not ready to move on.

And that's just it-- don't people realize that when you hold on to the past you can not have a future? You can't move forward when you are too busy looking back.

Don't people realize that holding on to pain and ill feelings is bad for you, not just emotionally but physically as well.

Of course its hard to let go of those feelings, but you have to.. The only one it's hurting is yourself.

It's really sad to see so many GREAT people so full of animosity. Is anyone here actually happy, free of their past, and ready to have a future?


Those who do not learn from their past are doomed to repeat it.
 RenaissanceMan1950
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 23
Can't have a future when you are stuck in the past--
Posted: 8/2/2009 5:29:15 PM

An Ex is an Ex for a reason! Let all that drama play on the HISTORY channel.


I will always cherish my ex wife as the mother of our children, and the bride of my youth. I will always feel some responsibility, were she to face some major life issue, such as a serious illness. She is, after all, the mother of our children, and was my wife for 20 years.

I have no lingering "desire" for her as a woman, nor any anger towards her.

So, an ex isn't necessarily totally irrelevant, but it doesn't have to mean that one holds onto anger or bitterness, or that one is stuck in a "reconciliation fantasy".
 boinkboinkboink
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 28
Can't have a future when you are stuck in the past--
Posted: 8/2/2009 7:49:46 PM
Sometimes a good new partner is all we need to finally heal from our past. If you've had bad experiences you can't truly move on until you've enjoyed a good experience. This is generally true in life.
 Glenoran1
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 29
Can't have a future when you are stuck in the past--
Posted: 8/2/2009 7:59:52 PM
I am, Karen. It took a while to become happy again, after my husband passed away, but I have a good life, doing things that are meaningful to me, and I appreciate and enjoy it. Like everyone else on here, sharing it with someone very special to me would be fabulous, but in time, hopefully that, too, will come to fruition.

In the meantime, yes, I have shed the past and am confidently walking into the future.
 Glenoran1
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 30
Can't have a future when you are stuck in the past--
Posted: 8/2/2009 8:29:38 PM
Im trying to let go of all the hate I have for my ex and trust guys because I can't be with anyone until I let it go. How do you get past it though? I've met guys and sometimes they just prove to me that they are like my ex or they treat me somewhat like he did. ... I need to find my happy bubble haha. Any advice on how to do that?


Emotions hold the past in place and emotional thoughts of the past keep it fresh. When it becomes to you a matter of "(shrug) So what?", you'll vent the emotions through dreams and then the 'glue' that holds those experiences front-and-centre in your mind will be gone. You'll still have the memory of them, but they won't matter to you any more. Apathy towards past hardships or trauma is what finally lets us let go and focus on the future.

Re you meeting guys who remind you in word or action of your ex, that's because you are focused on those behaviours from your past. This can make you 'draw' them by attracting that same type of man or by drawing out of a new man those elements, which may be very different from his usual behaviour and may surprise him as well.

I hope this helps.
 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 31
Can't have a future when you are stuck in the past--
Posted: 8/2/2009 8:35:20 PM
Agreed!
The past is deffinatly a part of who I am today but I've learned to learn from that and be happy with who I am and keep moving forward with a smile.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 34
Can't have a future when you are stuck in the past--
Posted: 8/3/2009 5:02:47 AM
1) They can get away w/ holding onto their past, b/c they still get dates from those desperate to not be alone....or from people who also believe in holding onto their past. They share that belief system, in common.

Stop dating people who hold onto their past, and when they find themselves alone...they'll stop.

2) If they are that insecure that they hold onto their past, rather than grow up and get over it so they can enjoy life...what kind of greatness do they have? They haven't learned how to live, if they aren't willing to give up on past pain.
 fingerliokinguud
Joined: 2/27/2007
Msg: 37
Can't have a future when you are stuck in the past--
Posted: 8/3/2009 11:51:32 AM
Trying to understand the pass only complicates the future.That's why they call it the past you cant do anything about it,its behind you leave it there.People are don't wrong everyday and all you can do is smile and walk away,or bi*ch about it....
 Sabrosura
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 43
Can't have a future when you are stuck in the past--
Posted: 8/3/2009 1:58:01 PM

Don't people realize that when you hold on to the past you can not have a future? Don't people realize that holding on to pain and ill feelings is bad for you, not just emotionally but physically as well.


You realize this once you have finished mourning the loss and deal with the pain. Until then, all those emotions (i.e. pain, rejection, disappointment, etc......) consume a person (they don't realize their doing this OR are allowing this). Thus, they aren't ready for a relationship.

Alot of jaded people are definitely "fishing in the pond" when they have no business doing so. As soon as I notice this ~~~~~~~~~> !!!
 sweet_n_heart
Joined: 1/31/2007
Msg: 46
Can't have a future when you are stuck in the past--
Posted: 8/3/2009 5:31:52 PM
I think some people hold on to the past cause they can't deal with it, they just simple don't want to let go cause not ready, wishful thinker, insecure, not a risk taker, assume will get hurt again and again and again, etc.

Someone like this should talk to their friends or family or a therapist, see if can find the true nature of their issues and why can't let go that easily, stuck in the past.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 47
view profile
History
Can't have a future when you are stuck in the past--
Posted: 8/3/2009 5:37:17 PM
It depends on what you are reading and the context. Some people are bitter and aren't willing to let go but others may merely be providing information about their lives because they believe that others can learn from the information they provide. Sometimes the ex can't really be discussed in a favorable light because they give you so little to work with in that area.

At least one can see the negativity and choose not to be involved with it as would be the case in conversation or otherwise and for some, pof is free therapy. They vent, the advice or time heals and their posts at another point down the road are much different.

No one is totally free of their past, that is what I would consider a labotomy. The past is part of who you are, what one does with the past, how one manages it, is what's important and even those people that do a pretty good job have a bad day, or week....

If nothing else, consider yourself lucky for not having this problem, for making choices that are better for you.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 51
Can't have a future when you are stuck in the past--
Posted: 8/4/2009 4:48:54 AM
If possible, sweet K, figure out what caused him to play you. Was he trying to make himself look good with you on his arm? Was he just superficial? Is he the type who takes opportunity regardless of how he hurts others? Is he only looking for fun? Was he only interested in the chase, not in enjoying what he had once he had it? Do looks only matter to him, not the person inside? Does he treat people on the basis of what they give, not what they offer? Is he more interested in being IN love, than in loving? Is it the rush, and once it passes, he seeks out the next rush?

Once you figure that out, ask yourself....do you share that in common with him? that's not meant to be offensive, but you can see how, for example, if both of you are opportunistic, that could lead you to puruing better things in life, while he pursues better...well, you know.

As you pointed out, it doesn't have to do with age. We find what it is we seek out. When we are the only constant in situations that repeat...that's where we have to start the repair.
 boinkboinkboink
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 52
Can't have a future when you are stuck in the past--
Posted: 8/4/2009 8:53:33 AM
Absofreakinlutely, obviously I don't know the details of what was said in that last relationship of yours, but I don't think you were being entirely right.

Sometimes we look back at our past not so much in anger and regret but because we learned a great deal from that experience. I regularily get into conversations with my current g/f where both of us discuss our past experiences in past relationships. That past experience with one woman completely adjusted my way of thinking about women - a very positive adjustment.

I would argue that this may be an issue of your own that you're dealing with. Jealousy, maybe? Your man thinks of another woman therefore he isn't thinking enough about you?

Our past is our source of wisdom. Don't live in your past, but there is nothing wrong with using what you've learned.
 pippa56
Joined: 12/22/2007
Msg: 53
view profile
History
Can't have a future when you are stuck in the past--
Posted: 8/4/2009 11:02:06 AM
Is that really true???? I am hoping not!!! God if it is........how awful for you and them!! I have just been reading all these forums.....there are some really wise owls out there........and I have been guilty of all those horrible, nasty feelings and am only just starting to see the light and that has been with the help of friends. Of course you don't always admit to these feelings but in trying to hide them and not admit to them it just makes it worse. I have been lucky and have had a really good male friend on PO who helped me through the trauma of grieving, which is having acknowledgement of being really heard!! just wish it had not taken as long as it did........so much time wasted feeling bad.......what a waste, but necessary evil!!! Hey all of you it has been refreshing to read your blogs.......thankyou I feel for you all and in knowing that I think I am capable of loving again.........whoever said it was a grieving process is so right!! What I want to know though is how do you ever protect yourself from that happening again??? Does leaving yourself being open for love and invitation to be hurt again??? Can anyone answer that question????
 boinkboinkboink
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 56
Can't have a future when you are stuck in the past--
Posted: 8/4/2009 6:24:59 PM
absofreakinlutely, you aren't right. My g/f needed closure, but she also needed my understanding. Since my post on POF we have comfortable moved forward with each other.

Moral of the story: We often find closure through another person's understanding. By giving her understanding, she has closed that chapter in her life. If I had chosen to judge her condemned her, I would no longer have a relationship.

Your response to me is incredibly defensive. Look at yourself carefully.
 REDDRAGON.
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 62
Can't have a future when you are stuck in the past--
Posted: 8/16/2009 12:19:09 AM

It completely blows my mind how many people in these forums are still holding on to the past, harboring hate, and/or having attitude because of their past relationships. This is a dating site, and when I see a man or woman saying such negative things about their exes it tells me that they're not over their past. It tells me that they are not ready to move on.



All those cross bow archery lessons down the tubes and paid for nothing!!!! And just when my aim was improving BECAUSE I AIM TO PLEASE

Your off my christmas card list now Karen and Thanks for future shock therapy treatments.
 airconditioninthesummer
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 63
Can't have a future when you are stuck in the past--
Posted: 8/16/2009 2:25:26 AM
well, you're correct. one of the great sage wrote about how when the angels told Lot to run they instructed him not to look back lest then turn into a pillar of salt. there's a lot of wisdom in that statement.
 whatsallthis
Joined: 5/1/2008
Msg: 70
Can't have a future when you are stuck in the past--
Posted: 8/16/2009 9:37:35 AM
I like to leave the past where it belongs: In the past. The problem with that is, when you meet someone, they want to know all about you, and sometimes I feel like I am being interrogated by the Gestapo. Don't people realize that delving into someones past can bring up painful memories and old hurts? I am not who I was in the past. I want a fresh new start. Whatever people have done to you in the past, I was not there. I did not do it, yet I end up paying for it. That makes for very short, unhappy relationships.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 75
view profile
History
Can't have a future when you are stuck in the past--
Posted: 8/16/2009 4:23:56 PM

People with unresolved issues from a prior relationship will often act out with negative comments about the opposite sex, and be so focused on "controlling" their fears from past relationships, that they come across as "controlling", angry and bitter. Few will find that attractive, which just validates the bitterness and anger, and it becomes a vicious cycle of self-validating anger towards the opposite sex.


It is amazing to me that they do it on a dating site, have they no sense at all? Or is it so embedded in their being that they cannot see it for what it is?



Without forgiveness, we become trapped in a bitter, angry cynical cycle, and we start to "see" the one who wronged us in other innocent people; we lash out at the one who we're interacting with because we don't have the ability to lash out at the one who we want to vent our rage on.

The face of the one bleeds onto every other face; some words become "charged", some triggers hypersensitive; and it keeps us hostile, angry, prickly, and incapable of having any kind of meaningful, special, trusting interaction with another human being.

Some people feed the anger; because they feel it empowers them. But it doesn't. It renders them powerless to love. And incapable of letting themselves be loved.


Well said! The horrible thing is, hanging onto your past serves little purpose other than to destroy any future happiness.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >