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 AUTHOR
 iherdcats
Joined: 6/15/2006
Msg: 6
Too much baggage to start a new relationship ???Page 4 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
Listen to your friends, they have a persecptive that you lack presently.

This fellow is not being up front with you and you have already allowed him to mistreat you, stop that.
Be kinder to yourself.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 7
Too much baggage to start a new relationship ???
Posted: 8/3/2009 9:13:16 AM
He's either bi-polar or a sociopath.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 10
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Too much baggage to start a new relationship ???
Posted: 8/3/2009 9:27:17 AM
Even if you do not have a daughter, if you did, is this what you would want for her?
 RoadTrip3500
Joined: 10/28/2006
Msg: 16
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Too much baggage to start a new relationship ???
Posted: 8/3/2009 9:47:51 AM

The next day I called him, no answer. I texted him, no response. Then at 7 pm he calls me and says and I quote, "we're not dating, we never were. We were just hanging out" Dont contact me again. Bye

Abrupt endings like this are usually the only clue I need to consider them gone... especially when they come up with an excuse for why "there never was" a relationship.

His mistake was leading you on prior to this point. Your mistake was taking him back after this point - especially getting back in bed. As soon as you recognized feeling hurt and confused a second time, he needed to be shown the door.


He lives 2 hours away.

That's definitely more in the area of F-Buddy distance than relationship distance. It's far enough to be an excuse if he doesn't want to show up ("I'm too tired to drive 4 hours total") and will keep you from making a spontaneous/surprise visit as well. You also didn't mention ever making the trip to his place for one of these scheduled get-togethers, which means he was holding the cards.

If this guy really has all the issues he claims, then he should make himself a hands-off zone and get his life in order before he tries to share it with anyone else. One doesn't have to dispose of all their baggage, but it should be lined up neatly in the closet.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 17
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Too much baggage to start a new relationship ???
Posted: 8/3/2009 9:53:45 AM

They hang on to the bad times, the screwing overs....and instead of learning to pick better women, they sit around and whine about it.

Your OP doesn't mention he is whining. Here's my take on it for whatever it is worth:

The man is not necessarily holding onto the bad times and screwing over... he is living with the day-to-day reality of paying huge support payments which reduces his ability to "pay and play" in life. He is living with the day-to-day reality of having lost his four children with no say in the matter and no discussion of it.

He is giving you mixed messages? That means he has mixed emotions. It means he is trying to sort through stuff. You can ask him what it is, but from your OP my guess is this:

He clearly has genuine feelings for you but he does not know what he can offer you in the future. Sometimes the responsibility of potentially disappointing someone in the future can weigh very heavily on a person; especially if you know personally how much that can hurt. Sometimes it seems like the kinder thing to do, despite your feelings for them or perhaps because of your feelings for them, would be to pull away before you hurt them. He likely also has mixed emotions about what he can offer you in his reduced financial circumstances; it is in conflict with his views of a man's role and responsibilities in life.

He is torn between enjoying what you two share and the prospect of getting your hopes up when he may not be in the position to fulfill them. He is still dealing with the anger and grief of losing access to his kids... grief comes in waves and can hit one at unexpected times, sometimes when you have a moment of closeness in your new life the sadness of what you've lost hits you like a ton of bricks (like 6am in the morning).
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 23
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Too much baggage to start a new relationship ???
Posted: 8/3/2009 10:26:17 AM
You get to a certain age OP, and EVERYONE has emotional turmoil behind them somewhere. Its how they deal with it that tells you what kind of person they are, and from what you've revealed here, this guy is not dealing with it well at all. Now maybe he is using that as an excuse for his behavior, and that is on him. But from my reading, YOU are also using it to rationalize his behavior, and that is entirely YOUR fault. Allowing him to continue to manipulate you without any regard for your feelings is on you, as harsh as that sounds. Pretend you didn't write this post, but that you're just a casual observer, or even a friend of the woman who wrote about all that this guy has put here thru. What would your advice be then!?

I'm not one of those people who continually says "cut & run" when things get tough; if there is something worth saving there, by all means, stay and fight for it. But it appears clear to me you need to sit him down and let him know what this is doing to your emotional well-being. If he can't or won't change his behavior, you need to be prepared to let him go, for your own sake.
 northerndreamer
Joined: 6/30/2009
Msg: 29
Too much baggage to start a new relationship ???
Posted: 8/3/2009 10:47:43 AM
Margo is right on. I was in a similar situation. Don't be so quick to condemn him. His hot and cold is real to him. He is confused, understands he isn't ready, likely cares about you. But don't deceive yourself- he likely doesn't love you because he is still sorting through his past emotions. He isn't in a place to love somebody.

The man I was with told me that my providing him comfort, company, love etc was distracting from him facing his ghosts. It then occurred to me that if I ever wanted to be with him, I had to let him go and let him feel the pain. That by protecting him from it, I was inhibiting his progress.

So I've moved on. I'm relaxed about it all- but it took awhile to get to this point. I see it now for what it was and value him. But i also know that reaching out to him, while tempting, is good for neither of us. another man will come along who is emotionally free and will give me what I am looking for. He isn't the only man out there- although he was very special. But he showed me what I need in my life and has helped me to refine what Im looking for.

Just let him work on himself. Hanging on won't get you what you need. And will help him stay stuck.
 WalkingInLondon
Joined: 2/21/2005
Msg: 34
Too much baggage to start a new relationship ???
Posted: 8/3/2009 11:32:31 AM
Look, this guy is nothing but trouble. You don't know if he really loves you or not. His mouth is saying one thing, but his actions are saying another. He is playing the part of a poor hurt guy in need of extra attention, a fixer-upper, very well. I bet the sex is good, isn't it? Yeah, somehow the guys with the most head problems are the best in bed. that's how they hook ya. He is playing with your emotions, once you recognise this, and take him for the con-artist he is, then you can cut him out of your life.
And believe me, he is a con artist. He is poor, too poor to even have an apartment...so who is paying for dinner and movies? I bet you cook and make him comfortable whenever he is there, you pour emotional support and love all over him, but he is a leech..he is not giving you anything but self-doubt, hurt, and tangled emotions.
This is not healthy for you, quit making excuses for him, saying how badly he got burned, oh he is just this or that, you know in the logical part of your mind that you are being used and emotionally abused.
Get away from him, do not allow him back, and keep him away from your children.

Bet his ex-wife took his kids and ran for a reason.
Beth
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 45
Too much baggage to start a new relationship ???
Posted: 8/3/2009 12:53:24 PM
I think some people love as best as they can.
Not everyone is capable of an all consuming love
affair.
Sometimes you just have to decide if that love
is enough for you.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 62
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Too much baggage to start a new relationship ???
Posted: 8/3/2009 4:14:39 PM
How are you going to handle the conversation you'll have with him about today's sudden change of plans?

To my view you need to be respectful of both of your needs. You need to give him space to allow him to flip-flop around a bit; mixed emotions create mixed messages. He needs to be respectful of the impact on you. There's a balance point to be found together; it is ok if he is having a hard time and needs space but it is not ok to jerk you around at the same time.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 63
Too much baggage to start a new relationship ???
Posted: 8/3/2009 4:52:50 PM
cynful44: This man seems to be the victim in every aspect of his life and it sounds as if you're out to rescue him. This is not an abandoned animal that you bring home hoping to nurse back to health. God if I had a buck for every hard luck story some guy's told me about his ex-wife or marriages............ The thing is - they are grown men. They make choices in life. He chose to have unprotected sex with her, he chose to marry her, he chose to have more children with her, he may not even be honest with himself about why they are divorced. He is choosing to be hot and cold with you, and to tell you he is not dating you and doesn't love after he has slept with you for a period of time. How is this man bringing you joy outside of giving you the high hard salute? What does he have to offer you? - I'm not talking about monetary things. You are not getting the intimacy, consistency, loyalty, and emotional closeness that you need. You wouldn't be dumping him because of his lack of resources, you would be dumping him for the intangibles he is not willing to give. I feel bad for you.
 RoadTrip3500
Joined: 10/28/2006
Msg: 70
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Too much baggage to start a new relationship ???
Posted: 8/3/2009 8:05:28 PM

You TELL Me how a grown man is supposed to live on $1000 a month ???

Rent
food
vehicle maintenance
gas
utilities

What's left ? Oh wait........nothing !!

Im not making excuses for him. I"m not an idiot. I can see his quandry

Simple answer: Get More Jobs.

I have had a second job for over 10 years. If I found myself in a situation where I needed even more income, Walmart and Home Depot are just 10 minutes away - damn right I'll stock shelves at 6 am! "Woe is me" doesn't get the bills paid if you're that far behind... getting off your butt and working 16 hours a day, 7 days a week does, if that's what it takes.

This guy needs to look himself in the mirror and get his act together - either alone or with the help of some counseling. He's got children all over, so he's clearly not responsible with sex. If he's that damaged from past relationships, he should have sought help a while ago. Having your employer go under is not an excuse for money problems... I worked for the same company for 19 years - my primary job - they went under in April of 2008 with just 10 days' notice; I had a new job making the same money in 1 week. And if that job hadn't come along, I'd be working 3-4 places if that's what it took. You say this is the kind of guy who will "do the right thing"... well, the "right thing" is to dig out of the hole he's in, THEN he can think about dating.

Cyn, your thought process is clearly clouded by the fact that you're in love with him. He can do no wrong in your eyes. You come up with a reason for every time you feel hurt and confused (which apparently is more often than anyone should put up with). You don't like most of the responses you've gotten here, but happily point out anyone who agrees with you. This man has not demonstrated that he can be a stable person capable of a strong relationship... you only HOPE he can. These are the clearest signs of someone who has chosen heart over head, and simply dismiss the possibility they made a poor decision.
Too much baggage to start a new relationship ???
Posted: 8/4/2009 7:50:44 AM
Can a man have too much baggage to enter a new relationship? Absolutely! We all can. No sense limiting it to gender.

From what I can see OP, you are doing little more than attempting to justify why you are with him.

If he makes you feel more good than bad, he could be worth it (depending on the ratio.) If he makes you feel more bad than good, if you have any love for yourself, he should not be worth it.


His lawyer says he can't do a darn thing about it.

Then he does not have a very good lawyer.

Making money (or not) is not a pre-requisite for having a relationship. It's an excuse, for some, not to.

PO(:
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 84
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Too much baggage to start a new relationship ???
Posted: 8/4/2009 3:18:29 PM
He may be a flake but then again you got all this (plus involving your kids???) from some guy you'd only known for 5 weeks? Please, you can't see the problem here from your side, then nothing anyone here says is going to help you see the light.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 97
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Too much baggage to start a new relationship ???
Posted: 8/5/2009 6:31:13 AM
In Ontario, the custodial parent is required to ask the non-custodial parent's permission to move the children. If it is declined, the CP can request permission of the court and if they have a good reason that isn't about blocking access, the court will grant permission for the CP to move without the NCP's permission.

So, what is the recourse if the CP breaks the law? What if the CP doesn't ask permission and just moves? Well, the NCP has to take it to court ($$) and the court will tell the CP "You should not have done that". Big whoop.

I suppose, if it were an extreme situation, the court might decide it was in the best interests of the children for them to return to Ontario and order the CP to move back as soon as she is able to make the arrangements. However, talking through my hat here... the CP in this case moved to PEI. At the risk of sounding grossly Ontario-centric, nobody but nobody moves to PEI unless they have family there. Family will provide, if absolutely nothing else, greater emotional support that the children will benefit from. It is very possible in this case that the NCP's lawyer might say "It sucks, but you are not likely to win a "best interest of the children" case in this situation and will be throwing your money away". It is also very possible that the CP's lawyer advised her just to move and, if it were ever brought to court, apologize later. Failure to ask permission is not likely to be considered in the decision to allow them to stay in PEI.

Edit to add: The longer they stay in PEI and the more established they become in the community, the harder it would be to get the courts to agree it is in the best interests of the children to uproot them "just" so their father can see them more often.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 102
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Too much baggage to start a new relationship ???
Posted: 8/5/2009 9:22:11 AM
Whatever lies in the cards for you is debatable but before you choose a path with him, look at how he's dealing with the stuff that he's let you in on now....the stuff that doesn't concern you yet....

Are you comfortable with how he's dealing with his issues? The level of communication? If you share your life with him, there are going to be issues that you will be invested in that may come between you.

Do you feel from what you see now of how is managing what's on his plate and is mood, is he equipped as you are to deal with more complex issues----issues that you will have a legitimate point of view on---issues that may be emotional to you and which you may react emotionally to him about. Can you see working with him on stuff like that in those types of situations?

Everyone has baggage. And different people have had experiences that lend themselves to understanding different people's issues and temperaments.

Can you let some time pass just being there but not going squirrely in your head moving this thing along to a relationship status faster than it needs to go right now; not projecting; not making grandiose plans for a future with him; just being there for him?

If you could do that one thing, that's what I'd offer him if I were you---a bit of time. Take care of yourself and set a time frame to move on...but allow him to get his bearings....and allow yourself more time to know him. With all the breaks and gaps in your relationship since its inception in April...I don't think you have spent enough time together to make huge decisions yet. jmo.

 BlueEyes2love
Joined: 12/14/2008
Msg: 103
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Too much baggage to start a new relationship ???
Posted: 8/5/2009 9:31:56 AM
OP... I would run from this guy... too up and down and not giving you the right signs...

Look for someone that is more stable or that suits your needs and not just his.
 sinlov
Joined: 2/25/2008
Msg: 131
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Too much baggage to start a new relationship ???
Posted: 8/16/2009 6:20:38 PM
Dear Cynfull44. I started to comment earlier but since some of the bombardment has slowed down, I will tell you that I can relate to the one aspect, I had a very close couple who had gotten a divorce and whose ex fell on very hard times, His payment was $500.00 month for 2 kids, While on 7.00 an hr he found it next to impossible to keep up. Rent, even living off a Now while others were pretty easily to say .... Slug go out and get two jobs; I did it!; and were not privy to the other details such as rural community, no public transportation, Loss of driving priveledges, I know this person suffered from the fact of not being able to provide. He was a very good provider before his circumstances. What I am saying is you are there and can be the only one to weight them. Now with that said. Incidently man became homeless, and died. But all that being said, she did not want to get back with her ex. She considered helping by giving him a room. She had more house and could have even used him for a "cook" or whatever purpose. The politics of it all, the shame of "having an Ex moved back in with you or even talking to one, some say you are not suppose to talk to them. LOL All I am saying is sometime others can not see and know all the other mitigating fators.
Nonetheless, Nevermind sweetness, and what about love.
Only you , quite possibly and your children( which is what scares me) will have to live through whatever good or bad things come. I myself was through with him when he started "acting funny." Now granted even if he were "not acting funny" you would still have folks that say the above... slug ... go get three jobs! When only you can know, he is doing all he can do to get to the one he has. Wouldn't it be great if you could detach yourself from the feelings that have for him, long enough to platonically help this guy out, so that you wouldn't feel so bad if or when he gets on his feet and gets another home, and another woman leaving you and your kids kinda feeling scarred. I hate that people call circumstances and some even call "children baggage." I prefer to call it life.
I think of the singer, what is her name, "I can't make you love me, if you don't, You can't make his heart feel something it won't." Whichever way it goes, I hope you or your kids, or for that matter him too, don't get hurt or hurt anyone....Some women can "take care" of their man and don't mind being the sole bread winner,
some will help too a point until he gets on his feet or gets his bearing, and golly some can just lay on their ars and let'm do all the work. LOL, LOL Whatever the type I am... I just pray that at least HE will have some TRUE LOVE for me and that I will know, I will know, I will know, I will know deep deep down know KNOW KNOW KNOW
this was too much , I know. ace:
 ForumsGee
Joined: 2/26/2009
Msg: 137
Too much baggage to start a new relationship ???
Posted: 10/3/2009 7:22:26 AM
He is a sociopath... look up the various traits that they have.

You have already been sucked in by him and it will take a loong time to get him from under your skin when you finally wake up to who he is. You are codependant too and thats why you put up with his bullsh*t. He has you under his spell through is manipulation and abuse and you think its love! (please know that this does happen)

I am out 6 months of this type of relationship..took me over a year to figure out that i was being used and abused duhhhh .... and Im a professional intelligent woman!

You came on here to ask our opinions/advice - heres mine...

Either continue the abuse which will worsen...or move on with NO CONTACT.

Good Luck you are gonna need it!

 TOaks91360
Joined: 11/22/2013
Msg: 146
Too much baggage to start a new relationship ???
Posted: 2/8/2014 12:24:29 PM
Put on a pair of headphones the next time you see him. Should be more romantic that way.
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