Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 55
view profile
History
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?Page 3 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

I'm posting a website for you to check out, I may get booted for this, but it is worth it if it keeps you from being harmed by this person www.firstgov.gov It is a website from the Federal government and has endless websites of help for battered women. I would also suggest you learning a martial art called DIM MAK. It is the 'DEATH BLOW' martial art and teaches you how to kill with one blow. You can find books on Dim mak at paladin press.

Cyrus, she was responding to this post which does go against the teaching of all martial arts I have encountered. It is my understanding that they are all defensively based and that an individual is to use the minimal amount of force necessary to subdue or disable an attacker. I am certain there could be a time when lethal force might be necessary but the death blow isn't something one would be whipping out of one's bag of tricks very often.
 Wyatt Earp1
Joined: 7/15/2009
Msg: 56
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/4/2009 4:33:27 PM
If I had a daughter and she was being abused by a guy? No problemo I'd have a "talk" with the guy. If he ever laid a finger on her again...he would be very sorry.
 *Just Jim*
Joined: 7/6/2007
Msg: 59
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/4/2009 5:31:59 PM

Your asking this just shows you have so many unresolved issues. What you are doing is assisting no one but yourself, it is feeding your anger & your pity party. Broadcasting your pic & posting this thread is not going to attract the men that will be good for you. It will only attract men that have the same problems & baggage as you. You do not need this. Get yourself some counseling, you have a lot of mental healing to do. Please do not bother to reply, I do not deal with out of control angry people.


Yes,imo, the op needs help and more so the ones who are the similar situations who are crying for help.
The op past mo and posts reflects this same dialog over and over again.
And hopefully will help to move on and live a productive life. peace
 cooldude
Joined: 4/26/2004
Msg: 60
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/4/2009 5:35:41 PM

Tom, abusers hide their bad behaviours VERY well. There are NEVER any warning signs. Women stay with abusers sometimes because their lives are threatened, the abusers threatens to kill themself, the victim is belittled to the point where her self esteem is so very low. You have to be a survivor to understand it.


Don't think this as blaming the victim, but I think prevention also applies in some cases. I know some people who have been abused and have been through several relationships this way. There were warning signs, unfortunately they did disregard then. I know one that knew the history and background of the guy she has a relationship with now ( He never hit her as far as I know with this guy mostly verbal ). Her last one was also abusive. I was surprised at what some of her choices were when she told me these things. I will never understand why she made such big mistakes.
 DeepLuv09
Joined: 7/24/2009
Msg: 61
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/4/2009 5:46:38 PM
Hey OP

I don't want to say "I'm sorry" for what you had to go through coz it sounds lame and congenial, I don't even know if empathy is the word, but I have to take hats off to you as a sign of respect as well as perhaps say that I am sorry you had to go through that. Its even worse that you are still defending yourself and your daughter from online abusers (yes they exist). Whatever happens just do your best to keep yourself and your daughter safe, it seems you are already doing that. Avoid another confrontation with the guy at all costs (which I am sure you are doing) and most of all, don't let him steal your life away from you. I pray it works out for you.
 HazelRose
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 62
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/4/2009 6:00:14 PM
To CyrusOne

Have you ever heard of "ahimsa"?

Ahimsa means - harm none or nonviolence, which includes physical actions, suicide, suicidal ideation, homicide, and THINKING VIOLENT THOUGHTS of others and yourself

I practice Judo, Jujitsu, and Shaolin Kenpo. I understand that sometimes, you have to go against ahimsa to save your physical body, but I do know that letting the violence surge through you instead of you taking a stand, and using verbal judo makes you a stronger force to reckon with. I have many friends who study Muay Thai, and they would not agree with you or the OP either. Do not condemn me or others just because you do not understand the basic knowledge of all martial artists. Every sensei I have had as taught me and the other students to never fight or kill unless there is no other choice. Muay Thai will not save you from a bullet, nor will Jujitsu, but a strong tongue will, and has save mine. That is all I meant by not becoming a murderer. Read Sun Tzu. After all, if a person can think it, it can and will become a reality.
 readyornot57
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 64
view profile
History
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/4/2009 6:27:24 PM

If I had a daughter and she was being abused by a guy? No problemo. I'd have a "talk" with the guy. If he ever laid a finger on her again...he would be very sorry.


Sorry, Wyatt, but I would skip that whole scenario and insist to my DAUGHTER that she leave. I don't feel like giving him another chance. I would not be interested in him at all, and that would include if he was the father of my grandchildren. In fact, more so if there were grandchildren.

One man said he is taking martial arts training because he gets into fights in the neighborhood. WHY NOT MOVE OUT OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD? I am not trying to be funny, I am serious......that is as bad as a woman staying with an abuser. It is obvious that the neighborhood sucks, leave it!

And to the fathers saying they would kill the guy, great, by the time you get sentenced, your daughter will be shacking up with yet another abuser.
Get your daughter out and get her help!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 jonjon87
Joined: 10/25/2008
Msg: 66
view profile
History
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/4/2009 8:03:52 PM
I think I speak for all guys that I would probably do something really bad.
But would of course try to resolve the issue as much as possible. A father could loss it very easily when finding something like that out. I lie, i would beat the shit out of him :)
 Tiffany12345
Joined: 7/9/2009
Msg: 68
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/4/2009 8:49:40 PM
OP I apologize now if I repeat anything any one has said in this thread. I tend to scan over replies when there are so many.

There are a few things that you can do in a situation like this. Your profile said you were in NY and I know the cops there are busy. If your neighborhood has a neighborhood watch, just alert them to the situation and let them know when he gets out. It's not uncommon for an abuser who's been to jail, to try to find you so don't assume he wont or will. Just take precautions for the worst and hope for the best. In the same regard don't let him rule your life or allow him the control he once had. Not a single ounce of it.

First thing you do is contact your local ACMI house and talk to a counselor there. They know all of the tricks abusers play and can help you to lead a normal life and avoid him. They can also act as a back up of sorts if you live in an area high in crime (busy police officers) If the worst case scenario shows up they can even help relocate you under an alias name.

If he calls or attempts to come by, make a report each time and don't answer. Chances are he will still be on probation and you can have him put back in for violating an order of protection. Try to have pictures or phone records to back you up though.

Make sure you have secure locks on all of your doors and a cell phone on you at all times. Maybe some mace to. ;)

Don't be afraid to report anything he does to harass you. Even if it's minor. Those reports are your proof.

I hope things turn out for you and your daughter. You are both very brave women who didn't deserve what he did. If you need anything else, phone #'s ect. just email me.
 CyrusOne
Joined: 7/16/2009
Msg: 71
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/4/2009 11:21:59 PM
Hazelrose-- I misunderstood your post.. I apologize. And It's true no amount of martial arts will protect you from a bullet... I've seen it myself.

OP--- I think you have more than enough advice to make a choice here... let's just hope it's the better one.
 HazelRose
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 72
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/4/2009 11:25:20 PM
To CyrusONe:

Apology accepted, and thank you.
 WalkingInLondon
Joined: 2/21/2005
Msg: 73
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/5/2009 2:31:59 AM
SpecialLady28,
You did the right thing. An order of protection is just a piece of paper, though, and will only help prosecute him after he harms one or both of you again. Go get a nice handgun, I suggest a Glock 19, they are lightweight, never misfire, easy to carry in a purse, you go learn to shoot it at a gunrange (they have classes everywhere) get a concealed carry permit, and never leave it off of your person. You have to protect yourself first and foremost, and in this country we have the legal right to bear arms.

A little bit of paranoia will go a long way in your situation. You have a serious situation on your hands. Be prepared. This nutjob could harm you or your daughter at any time, and it is up to you both to make sure he doesn't do it.

Don't get one of those little lady guns. Get a Glock 19, they have a good amount of firepower, and are easy to handle, and you can rip off enough rounds to easily take him down, and that's what you want to do if your life is in danger.
Beth
 HazelRose
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 74
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/5/2009 3:19:16 AM
Maybe kids don't need a mommy or a daddy these days. Self defense with a gun still lands mommy in jail. Mommy needs a new bag of tricks. If you have never killed something that shrieks and bleeds, well it's like You have to kill a part of yourself to do it. ESP w/a gun. The mess, the smell, well it can drive you crazy. That's why I leave it to the law, and moving far away with the daughter. I wouldn't want my daughter in danger, and I wouldn't want to kill someone if I could keep the danger away.
 REDDRAGON.
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 79
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/5/2009 1:19:09 PM

I am in counseling wazhiz and your remarks do not change the fact that this happens to alot of women. Laws need to be changed. I have been on the phone all morning with the assembly woman and she is coming to the battered womens group plus she is going to pick up the bill that Assembly woman Patricia Eddington asked that all crimes against women be treated as hate crimes and the penalties be stiff for this type of voilence. You don't believe me go to her site and read the article. I am making a difference sorry it bothers you so much. People can put all kinds of rediculous pictures up on pob, but mine is offensive? I think you are the one who needs counseling.


SL I think it's time you understood the phrase many us have learned the hard way and
that's "Accountability" This is a dating site not a court room. You come across as a very confrontational person regardless of the topic. I feel bad for You I truly do
not because I'm being mean but for the fact that some times you are probably so negative and angry that you cannot see the real situation unfolding in front of you.
Your so hurt and angry that you can't differentiate and solve a problem in a positive manner. Your counselor needs to be shot in the knee caps.

Think it through next time there are other ways of resolving such matters.
 Ependa
Joined: 7/16/2009
Msg: 80
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/5/2009 3:56:16 PM
I'd kill him. Not even joking. Been there , done that as a very young woman in my own life. There are few things I'd actually 'interfere' with in my daughter's life. This is one of them. The other is drugs. She knows this. You did the right thing. I took in one of my girlfriends and her kids when her ex-husband got out of jail for almost killing her. That may be a good option. Stay somewhere he wouldn't necessarily find you for a while til he cools off. Protection orders are shit. They're a paper trail that may help after the fact. I hope it doesn't get to this , but in my case I had to move across country (a lifetime ago). I would work with some of the local protection agencies, too. They can definitely help. Good luck to you. Don't forget this is the exception , not the rule (thank god). And you're right, it always escalates when it's there.
 Ependa
Joined: 7/16/2009
Msg: 82
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/5/2009 5:39:23 PM
I agree..and with Sugar...it doesn't ever leave you entirely. Mine was 20 some 25+ years ago. I won't argue about how bad it is or how bad the system is. I agree. But at the end of the day, you have to make it okay for you. And for her. Regardless of what that takes. If you don't think he will still be a threat, then make sure you live where you won't be running into him , get counselling , etc. But, if you think there is even a chance that he will continue, do not rely on the system. Figure out a way to remove yourselves. Or just her if she's the only one who would at risk. I'm positive I'd be dead now if I hadn't done that. Just saying.
I think the worst thing you can do is live your life in fear or bitterness...because then they win again, though. It really does get better even if it doesn't go away. And it only consumes you if you let it ( I don't mean anything by that, I know it is still fresh..beleive me , it consumed me for years...she will get past that).
 FastReb
Joined: 1/3/2009
Msg: 83
view profile
History
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/5/2009 9:28:53 PM
My family had an abuser, like your daughter's boyfriend, in it one time. My great-aunt's brothers found out it was happening. They invited the great-uncle to go fishing at a secluded lake with them. After they had a discussion with the great-uncle, it was explained to him that if there was ever a need for a discussion again, he would just disappear in those great big stretches of forest in the state. After that little discussion, AND he recovered from his injuries, he never even raised his voice to her, much less his hand, until he died decades later.

Now some will till you this action, on the part of the brothers, was wrong. They will most likely tell you that the police should have been called. They might even tell you how the police are much more responsive and the justice system is much more harsh on this type of offender in today's times than they were back then. What they mostly likely won't tell you, though, is that a leopard doesn't change its spots. An abuser will keep committing the abuse until it is in their best interest to stop.

For me, I've always believed that every action has and deserves a really good reaction, especially in a case like this. At this time, I'd like to suggest a little investment in a company called Hillerich & Bradsby, makers of the world-famous "Louisville Slugger."
 mefishme80
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 88
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/14/2009 4:18:14 PM
I gotta say, a man who abuses a woman is not a man.. I can not understand why men abused women. I was brought up respecting women.. I thank my father and grandfather for being the men they are.. I model myself after those 2 great men.. I have dated women who were abused. The first one really shocked me when i slowly waved my hand over her head to ward off these menecing maine black flies and she coward..... that was a shock to me when she told me she was abused.. it really makes it hard for us nice guys to gain womens confidence.

~nice guy in maine
 mechele99
Joined: 8/11/2006
Msg: 90
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/17/2009 7:14:25 AM
My beautiful niece was only 18 when she was murdered by her boyfriend(the father of her son); it happened 9 years ago. She did leave him but he talked her into going somewhere with him to talk; we never saw her alive again. She was my sister's daughter, we were so close. Thank you for posting this, I would never want any parent to go through what my family has gone through. God bless.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 92
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/17/2009 10:43:49 AM
...I have my ways and means. It wouldn't be my daughter wondering constantly when he might be showing up to make her life a living hell...it would be him wondering over and over when the next bout of payback abuse would be coming, even if there was only the one "warning".
 big pacific
Joined: 7/2/2009
Msg: 93
view profile
History
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/17/2009 10:45:48 AM
prolly 5-10 years with a sympathetic jury.
 PANDA423
Joined: 6/10/2009
Msg: 96
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/17/2009 7:19:41 PM
When it happened to my daughter - I got her out, got her safe and then I got the baseball bat...he never bothered her again! Sorry I believe in an eye for eye. Courts don't help, as much as they try, these abusers they don't care about orders of protection, they get a slap on the wrist. He did care about his knees and his car.
 haywiresue
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 97
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/17/2009 7:45:43 PM
OP - there are two ways to handle a situation, the intellectual way and the emotional way. When it comes to children, we can be like the mother bear protecting her cubs. At least I know, I am that way with my children or anyone in my close circle of friends. The intellectual way would have been to either get her away from him before the next time the abuse happened. This way, a proper plan for exiting and ending the situation could be initialized. However, in an emergency, what we do and what is right are sometimes two different things. I would have dealt with the emergency situation with the police in attendance, to avoid injury to myself and further injury to my daughter.

I would have acted the first time I heard from my daughter that this man was abusive. You are correct, an abuser will not change on their own, they only get worse. The signs are slight, like the first time he slapped her, or gave her a black eye or bruise from being manhandled. However the situation does intensify and become worse.

As mothers, we need to have these talks with our daughters about abusive partners, what is acceptable and what is not. In addition we need to let them know that regardless of what the abuser says, its not the victims fault. The power an abuser has over someone, is the way they wear down the persons self-esteem. As parents and friends we should be watchful of the changes in bahavior of our daughters, as the signs are there.

I am sorry to hear that you and your daughter were beaten by this man. Its great that he did time for it. Now about protecting yourselves when he gets out.........the best way is tell people about it. Make sure all your neighbours and friends know what this guy looks like, the car he drives, and know what they should do if he violates the protection order. In addition, you should notify your local police department and make them aware of who he is, the protection order, and what he drives, so they too can keep an eye out if he should violate the protection order. It may sound over the top, but its better to be safe than planning a funeral. Who knows this man, may be carrying a grudge.

My prayers are with you and your daughters, for your safety. We should not be living in fear for our safety.
 raxarsr
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 100
view profile
History
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/18/2009 12:46:58 PM
my daughter had a boyfriend that slapped her....he made a mistake of doing it in front of my oldest son.....i doubt very much that young man will ever hit another woman.
his parents tried to start trouble for my son......but the local cops said they couldnt press charged on an older brother defending his sister.

the kids lucky i wasnt there...i woulda broke him in half
 Commonsens
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 101
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/18/2009 2:07:57 PM
If someday i had a daughter, she will be like me: I pity the poor b!stard as she will reorganize him inside-out.
But anyway, since the guy will have known me or about me at the beginning of my daughter relationship, he will not risk it, as he well darn know that I will serve him his own test!cules tartar to begin with, if he abuse my daughter.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >