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 Ependa
Joined: 7/16/2009
Msg: 80
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?Page 6 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I'd kill him. Not even joking. Been there , done that as a very young woman in my own life. There are few things I'd actually 'interfere' with in my daughter's life. This is one of them. The other is drugs. She knows this. You did the right thing. I took in one of my girlfriends and her kids when her ex-husband got out of jail for almost killing her. That may be a good option. Stay somewhere he wouldn't necessarily find you for a while til he cools off. Protection orders are shit. They're a paper trail that may help after the fact. I hope it doesn't get to this , but in my case I had to move across country (a lifetime ago). I would work with some of the local protection agencies, too. They can definitely help. Good luck to you. Don't forget this is the exception , not the rule (thank god). And you're right, it always escalates when it's there.
 Ependa
Joined: 7/16/2009
Msg: 82
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/5/2009 5:39:23 PM
I agree..and with Sugar...it doesn't ever leave you entirely. Mine was 20 some 25+ years ago. I won't argue about how bad it is or how bad the system is. I agree. But at the end of the day, you have to make it okay for you. And for her. Regardless of what that takes. If you don't think he will still be a threat, then make sure you live where you won't be running into him , get counselling , etc. But, if you think there is even a chance that he will continue, do not rely on the system. Figure out a way to remove yourselves. Or just her if she's the only one who would at risk. I'm positive I'd be dead now if I hadn't done that. Just saying.
I think the worst thing you can do is live your life in fear or bitterness...because then they win again, though. It really does get better even if it doesn't go away. And it only consumes you if you let it ( I don't mean anything by that, I know it is still fresh..beleive me , it consumed me for years...she will get past that).
 FastReb
Joined: 1/3/2009
Msg: 83
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What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/5/2009 9:28:53 PM
My family had an abuser, like your daughter's boyfriend, in it one time. My great-aunt's brothers found out it was happening. They invited the great-uncle to go fishing at a secluded lake with them. After they had a discussion with the great-uncle, it was explained to him that if there was ever a need for a discussion again, he would just disappear in those great big stretches of forest in the state. After that little discussion, AND he recovered from his injuries, he never even raised his voice to her, much less his hand, until he died decades later.

Now some will till you this action, on the part of the brothers, was wrong. They will most likely tell you that the police should have been called. They might even tell you how the police are much more responsive and the justice system is much more harsh on this type of offender in today's times than they were back then. What they mostly likely won't tell you, though, is that a leopard doesn't change its spots. An abuser will keep committing the abuse until it is in their best interest to stop.

For me, I've always believed that every action has and deserves a really good reaction, especially in a case like this. At this time, I'd like to suggest a little investment in a company called Hillerich & Bradsby, makers of the world-famous "Louisville Slugger."
 mefishme80
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 88
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/14/2009 4:18:14 PM
I gotta say, a man who abuses a woman is not a man.. I can not understand why men abused women. I was brought up respecting women.. I thank my father and grandfather for being the men they are.. I model myself after those 2 great men.. I have dated women who were abused. The first one really shocked me when i slowly waved my hand over her head to ward off these menecing maine black flies and she coward..... that was a shock to me when she told me she was abused.. it really makes it hard for us nice guys to gain womens confidence.

~nice guy in maine
 mechele99
Joined: 8/11/2006
Msg: 90
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/17/2009 7:14:25 AM
My beautiful niece was only 18 when she was murdered by her boyfriend(the father of her son); it happened 9 years ago. She did leave him but he talked her into going somewhere with him to talk; we never saw her alive again. She was my sister's daughter, we were so close. Thank you for posting this, I would never want any parent to go through what my family has gone through. God bless.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 92
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/17/2009 10:43:49 AM
...I have my ways and means. It wouldn't be my daughter wondering constantly when he might be showing up to make her life a living hell...it would be him wondering over and over when the next bout of payback abuse would be coming, even if there was only the one "warning".
 big pacific
Joined: 7/2/2009
Msg: 93
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What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/17/2009 10:45:48 AM
prolly 5-10 years with a sympathetic jury.
 PANDA423
Joined: 6/10/2009
Msg: 96
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/17/2009 7:19:41 PM
When it happened to my daughter - I got her out, got her safe and then I got the baseball bat...he never bothered her again! Sorry I believe in an eye for eye. Courts don't help, as much as they try, these abusers they don't care about orders of protection, they get a slap on the wrist. He did care about his knees and his car.
 haywiresue
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 97
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/17/2009 7:45:43 PM
OP - there are two ways to handle a situation, the intellectual way and the emotional way. When it comes to children, we can be like the mother bear protecting her cubs. At least I know, I am that way with my children or anyone in my close circle of friends. The intellectual way would have been to either get her away from him before the next time the abuse happened. This way, a proper plan for exiting and ending the situation could be initialized. However, in an emergency, what we do and what is right are sometimes two different things. I would have dealt with the emergency situation with the police in attendance, to avoid injury to myself and further injury to my daughter.

I would have acted the first time I heard from my daughter that this man was abusive. You are correct, an abuser will not change on their own, they only get worse. The signs are slight, like the first time he slapped her, or gave her a black eye or bruise from being manhandled. However the situation does intensify and become worse.

As mothers, we need to have these talks with our daughters about abusive partners, what is acceptable and what is not. In addition we need to let them know that regardless of what the abuser says, its not the victims fault. The power an abuser has over someone, is the way they wear down the persons self-esteem. As parents and friends we should be watchful of the changes in bahavior of our daughters, as the signs are there.

I am sorry to hear that you and your daughter were beaten by this man. Its great that he did time for it. Now about protecting yourselves when he gets out.........the best way is tell people about it. Make sure all your neighbours and friends know what this guy looks like, the car he drives, and know what they should do if he violates the protection order. In addition, you should notify your local police department and make them aware of who he is, the protection order, and what he drives, so they too can keep an eye out if he should violate the protection order. It may sound over the top, but its better to be safe than planning a funeral. Who knows this man, may be carrying a grudge.

My prayers are with you and your daughters, for your safety. We should not be living in fear for our safety.
 raxarsr
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 100
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What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/18/2009 12:46:58 PM
my daughter had a boyfriend that slapped her....he made a mistake of doing it in front of my oldest son.....i doubt very much that young man will ever hit another woman.
his parents tried to start trouble for my son......but the local cops said they couldnt press charged on an older brother defending his sister.

the kids lucky i wasnt there...i woulda broke him in half
 Commonsens
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 101
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/18/2009 2:07:57 PM
If someday i had a daughter, she will be like me: I pity the poor b!stard as she will reorganize him inside-out.
But anyway, since the guy will have known me or about me at the beginning of my daughter relationship, he will not risk it, as he well darn know that I will serve him his own test!cules tartar to begin with, if he abuse my daughter.
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