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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Did you "really" give it your all?      Home login  
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 morningsong53
Joined: 5/31/2009
Msg: 26
Did you really give it your all?Page 2 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
--good question. I've asked it of myself before and find that when I come back to it, as time passes, the answers can change. I think the truth is: I gave all I had to give at the time. For me, that's the beauty of being alive...I just keep learning. Hindsight is always 20-20, isn't it(?), so I don't spend alot of time kicking myself or anybody else in the butt. Today, I know that I have so much more to give as a partner...so any of the stories I've racked up along the way have brought me gifts of deeper insight and wisdom and gentleness. The biggest difference, today, is that I know clearly what I want to share in partnership....and I know, that I want to have it coming back my way, too. I'm believing that the connection exists....we just have to find it...Or, at least, appreciate the journey.
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 27
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 4:39:12 AM

imo,which is easier said then done, that a soul needs to breath under the best circumstances and vise-a versa. I feel you did your best and will continue to be just that.

I was only married once,20 plus years and have two great sons, so in retrospect I gave my all and she did too. And I still give it my all to my family,the love,wisdom and respect as they now grow, as young and productive men in this world.

That's Life, as Frank Sinatra said,regrets,I have a few,but to few to mention


No doubt about it you are one rare gem of a man! There is little doubt in my mind that you gave it your all and continue to do so with your children..

Now before I go tooting your horn to loudly I will go back to my corner..

thecatsmeoww
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 28
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 8:36:47 AM

If your new partner has done the same retrospection and is similarly equipped with his own hard won wisdom, he will also be intending to do it right this time. Then what happens is, you fight over whose lessons learned should be followed, and break up over that. Just trying to help


Hopefully my partner will have no wisdom to contribute in that area. He will just be right where he should be.. then no drama will unfold and we will live happily ever after..

What a day for a daydream!!

I was bleaching my patio blocks this morning and it must have gotten to me..

thecatsmeoww
 morningsong53
Joined: 5/31/2009
Msg: 29
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 9:03:09 AM
---ok, good people, you just simply are not going to rain on my parade--LOL---so, maybe I just get to enjoy the journey---???----if that's not possible, I'm sure farceur (or however ya spell that) will share with me why not.... see ya....I'm gonna go wiff some bleach water. Heck, whatever works..
 Free-At-Last
Joined: 7/15/2009
Msg: 30
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 9:30:39 AM
do you ever think that maybe you should have done some things differently to have stayed in your marriage?

NO.
The only thing I should have done differently was get the hell OUT of my marriage after the first year, instead of hanging in there for another 15 years.
BIG mistake from the very beginning.
 Janet4ever
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 31
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 10:33:14 AM

Believe me, I do understand the temptation to retroactively assume responsibility, but I have to warn against it.

I'm not talking about assuming ALL the responsibility, but to deny your part in a partnership that YOU CHOSE seems rather lame.

You'll just wind up thinking that you have learned from past mistakes, and now realize what it takes to succeed, which leads to being open to starting up again with someone new, and then before you know it you'll be right back in a relationship, confident in yourself to manage any conflicts that may arise, since you assume you have a hand in the outcome.

More of what I'm thinking is you'll have a more humble approach next time, instead of an angry, bitter one.

If your new partner has done the same retrospection and is similarly equipped with his own hard won wisdom, he will also be intending to do it right this time. Then what happens is, you fight over whose lessons learned should be followed, and break up over that. Just trying to help.

I don't feel I've acquired some hard-won wisdom, nor would I seek that in a mate -- as that has a pompous tone to it... realizing it takes two to make it or break it seems a worthwhile lesson.
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 32
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 11:09:25 AM
Yes...I gave it my all. I was totally in love with my ex right up until he asked me for a divorce....apparently life was passing him by. When I repeated the marriage vows I believed in "for better or worse" at the time.

Am I bitter? I was once...now I'm better


...maeflowers
 Janet4ever
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 33
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 11:15:17 AM

So my advice to women is don't get married! Sooner or later, you're going to feel like leaving. And will.

RanRan, if everyone you're with leaves you, don't you ever wonder why? Just "maybe" you are not motivating them to stay?

I do believe there are more to wedding vows than the promise of not divorcing. Like I said before, there is a lot that happens between the "I do" and the "I want out".

Maybe some of that had to do with you as well.

And maybe not. In which case you're absolutely perfect and likely will never find someone to match your level of superiority...
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 34
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 11:19:41 AM

"Divorce is not a possibility." That's what my second wife agreed to. Women do not keep their promises or vows. Whatever they feel like doing is justified because they 'feel' it.
So are guys justifiably gun shy? You bet.


Indeed that was what my second husband agreed to as well. So not only women do it men do it as well..

Thought I would share this as it has to do with life and divorce

After a While You Learn
by Veronica A. Shoffstall 1971

After a while you learn the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul.

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning,
and company doesn’t always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses are not contracts,
and presents aren’t promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead...

With the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child.

And you learn
To build all your roads on today,

Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much…

So, you plant your own garden,
and decorate your own soul...
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure…
you really are strong,
you really do have worth.

And you learn, and you learn…
with every goodbye,

You Learn…

thecatsmeoww
 Janet4ever
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 35
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 11:40:08 AM
^^ahh... but Ran Ran, I never said anyone left me. (you did) Actually you said all women eventually leave so should not get married.

I've been married three times. The first time I really did think it was all him -- and that if I had a more reasonable mate, it would be different! I married the complete polar opposite of the first and that didn't last either... then again, a new and improved version enters the scene... same out come.

They were all very, VERY different from each other, so I am not repeating my poor choice in men... obviously the only common thread there was me (shoot... I really hate that part)

So yeah. I screwed up lots. And I don't expect to find the "better version" of a man that will cause me to succeed... I know I have to be a better me.
 Free-At-Last
Joined: 7/15/2009
Msg: 36
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 11:53:26 AM
[Quote]"Divorce is not a possibility.
Divorce is always going to be a possibility if the person you married turns into an alcoholic, drug addict, or abuser.
Some issues in a marriage are definate deal breakers.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 37
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 12:35:20 PM

... but do you ever (like me) realize that where you used to completely blame your ex for the demise of your relationship you now see in fact you had a whole lot to do with it?

I'm pretty certain that any failure of mine was at LEAST 50% my fault. I have never blamed my exhusband for the demise of the marriage. He had issues, I had issues ~ hence? The marriage had issues. In the end it was just that simple: the end. I'm certain that I caused the initial breakdown of the relationship, he carried that into a realm which left things impossible to reconcile. Therefor, I'd say I probably needed to own more of blame than he did. The really interesting part of the loss? 10 years later I see where his actions are much the same as they were when we were married and my actions are a complete 180 (in regard to relationship conduct.) That makes me think maybe I learned more than he did ~ yet ~ it probably came at a higher price for me because he is constantly in some sort of relationship and I have only forged two in 10 years that meant anything heartfelt at all. Maybe the price was higher for me as the instigator or maybe he just didn't learn a damned thing ~ either way I think in the future should I venture into anything emotional ever again, I'd still be prepared to take my 50% of the blame should it fall apart. JMO
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 38
view profile
History
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 12:44:36 PM

RanRan, if everyone you're with leaves you, don't you ever wonder why? Just "maybe" you are not motivating them to stay?


Yes you need to own your mistakes ; and some introspection is always good.

But on the other side of the arguement, how much do you change yourself before you lose yourself? If your partner needs you to do everything to make them happy, they may have an unrealistic idea of what the relationship should be. Isn't someone who does everything to please someone else to the point of humiliation a doormat? Doormats are not widely know for being loved. Some have stated that they left because they just lost respect for their partner.

But sometimes I think we can just lose each other or lose interest or change. It takes two to make a relationship work. Over many years, sometimes one partner may be giving less than their "all" and at some point the other may not be trying too hard.
But many get through it and many don't.


In which case you're absolutely perfect and likely will never find someone to match your level of superiority


LOL- You may find that at the top of the hill there's only room for one.
 dave91741
Joined: 5/10/2009
Msg: 39
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 1:02:39 PM
Janet said ...They were all very, VERY different from each other, so I am not repeating my poor choice in men...
Good for you... I also am looking for someone who are not repeating their poor choice in men ... I also have a saying that I have adopted as mine that I can make a normal lady stark raving NUTS!!!!! Women don't leave me they complain and I get weary and leave !! It don't take long .!!!! As far as did I give it my all ??I think I did the best I could . My son sometimes tells me how his mother treats her husband and I smile and think better him than me .... I also see tight azzz men trying that control thingy so it not a gender thing . If you love me you will accept me doing what makes me happy.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 40
view profile
History
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 1:32:21 PM
I can take part blame, my girls meant the world to me and I did put them first at times. He needed to be first, always, and resented it. He did not voice his needs to me except in anger at the end. I tried very hard to make him see how very loved he was, but he chose to get involved with someone else. After 22 plus years together, it was over.

I am very independent and I think he needed to be needed in a way that is just not me. He has dated two women seriously since our divorce and both of them are very needy women.

He is very regretful for leaving in the way that he did and has said so.

We have long moved past it all. I think he is a wonderful person and we have a great time together when he comes to town to visit. He lives out of state now. We visit often by phone.
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 41
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 2:23:09 PM

I believe a person should know what their giving limits are before going into a relationship and have a few discussions concerning mutual limits before getting beyond a friend stage..


I think you need to explain this more. I am not aware of any limits I have with regards to giving?

thecatsmeoww
 Janet4ever
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 42
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 2:38:10 PM

Actually, I never said 'All' - women start divorces 80% of the time. Close to 'all', isn't it?
Anyway, why not save the next poor schmuck all the the grief? Don't get married.
And you wonder why most men prefer a friend with benefits? The can hang onto their house!

RanRan, have you always been so cranky? I wouldn't consider who files the paperwork as starting the divorce... not that it matters, really.

And, I have saved two "poor schmuck's" the grief over the last five years turning down offers to marry (apparently men out there are not as gun shy as you think). I'm just not sure that being married again would be a good choice for me (or the "poor schmuck")

I don't think I'd want a friend with benefits, but perhaps remaining someone's girlfriend indefinitely ... maybe even "shacking up!"
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 43
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 3:00:40 PM
I can honestly say that I had no part in the demise of my relationships, Im guilty of staying to long in a bad relationship to try and help them.
 Janet4ever
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 44
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 8:22:59 PM

I personally feel that everyone of us could have done something better. But thats me... looking at my relationships and how they turned out. Sure we could have done a great job, and at times even feel we were doing everything we could. But it actually is impossible, Not to beat ourselves up, but life is about evolving... from birth, to death. At some points in our lives we have big WOW moments of things we learned and realized, it is those mistakes, or hardships, or challenges that make us who we are. Actually, it is taking those things, and allowing ourselves to continue forward, not letting them knock us down.

Nice post, Jack. And this is exactly the point that I am trying to make... and see in myself and some other "potential" moving forward. Thank you...
 Janet4ever
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 45
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 9:11:00 PM
^^that's not a bad idea... perhaps in this economy a unique career change would be a good idea
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 46
view profile
History
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 9:42:16 PM

The funniest post in this thread alluded to using divorces as a training device for learning - apparently, by the 8th or 9th divorce some sort of perfection is attained and then a woman can host seminars for young brides.


I lived with someone for a long time but never married. Now I feel like I missed out on something. I should strive to go out and make it official next time, get married and divorced before the eyes of the law and experience the personal growth that comes along with it. I will also be able to join a fine club of people and have something in common with more folks here.

I'm having an epiphany here or something.

 morningsong53
Joined: 5/31/2009
Msg: 47
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/8/2009 11:01:26 PM
Ran-Ran....that's just mean... and ugly. I'm sorry you're so hurt and angry. I guess I'm wondering, now, if you're then saying that you don't feel you've grown as a person in any positive way as a result of whatever your relationship history is? Do you just feel battered still? Your profile seems delightful in ways....but, goodness, such a hard wall...I'm sorry for that.
 morningsong53
Joined: 5/31/2009
Msg: 48
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/9/2009 8:02:56 AM
Ran-Ran----your pain and anger sound very fresh. Ouch. Get a punching bag, maybe, or a good therapist? Just don't hit that wall with your fist....ya could keep hurting yourself. Blessings to ya.
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 49
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/9/2009 8:39:13 AM

The "giving" I am referring to is the amount of change of yourself that you are willing to give for the sake of the relationship. Beyond a certain limit, the change can only be a chameleon-like act that will always come back to haunt one. You must be true to yourself before you can be true to anyone else.


I would pick a partner that would not require me to make too many changes. One that I have much in common with to start with. He would be fine with whatever hobbies I am pursuing, likewise I would respect his interests.. Other changes I would not make would be what food is in the house...

Anything else I am very flexible on..

thecatsmeoww
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 50
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/9/2009 8:41:52 AM

Good plan. After three divorces, a forth marriage would qualify you as a serial bride or something...


Or in some cases a serial groom.. lol I would think after that many marriages one would hang up their skates with regards to tying the knot? But yes I know the beat goes on..

thecatsmeoww
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