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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Did you "really" give it your all?      Home login  
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 Janet4ever
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 51
Did you really give it your all?Page 3 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

Divorce sucks. There's nothing positive about it. I'm growing a little tired of women telling themselves and others how wonderful the experience is for 'personal growth.'

There has been a lot of trauma in my life that I wouldn't wish on anyone. But to deny that these things make you stronger would have what purpose? The alternative is to dwell on the pain and live in bitterness, and I really don't want to do that.

Divorce does indeed suck. But does your life need to end there?

Sometimes taking some of the responsibility (in a non-abusive!) for the breakup of a marriage alleviates that need to remain angry and frees you to move on.
 Janet4ever
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 52
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/9/2009 5:09:45 PM

How I wish I could have heard something like this from the one that dumped me without explanation, without a good bye or even a clear reason for her giving up.

Jim, I can't imagine what that would have been like. It seems so odd that you would have no idea though, since you were married? As much as I did not always get along sometimes when married, I always knew what was going on and there were no surprises like that.
 Janet4ever
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 53
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/9/2009 5:53:42 PM

Sounds like I am bitter? Nope. I am not. I just say thing as they are. And maybe, I hope I can reach inside and flick a switch by your reading of this response to your thread.

I'm all for flicking my switches, but I don't see anything in your post that argues anything I've said.

..but $100 for a lawyer? I take it you've never been married or divorced?
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 54
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/9/2009 9:44:05 PM
It took a lot of time and reflection to understand the things that went wrong, and just as important the things that went right. Looking back in hindsight I realize that the marriage should have ended a long time before. We got married very young, she was my high school prom date. People change over the years, sometimes growing closer, sometimes not.

After the breakup I was hurt and resented her a lot, time has mellowed all of that though and now we get along well. My youngest daughter and I went through a lot in those days, but I can look back on it without regret knowing that this was best choice for all of us.


...I too married young, just 17...a couple of kids really. And yes, you're right, people change.... he did, as did his feelings for me....and so we divorced.
Looking back, I sometimes wonder if I would be the person I am today if we had remained together. Probably not. I am a stronger, healthier woman in all respects. And truth be known....it was not all bad, I have some very wonderful memories and I have two fabulous children as a result of that union.

Marriage number two should never have happened, and that's mostly my fault, I let myself get caught up in all the passion and ignored the red flags. I really tried but his drug and alcohol problems were too much for me...he needed much more than I could give him.....If you count the many reconciliations, my short lived second marriage lasted maybe a couple of years at best.

I've felt very guilty over the break-up of my second marriage. Many times I agonized over what I could have done differently, I felt like a coward, taking the easy way out, especially in light of the fact that he passed away in another city, alone. He was found in a drug induced coma....so sad, so very sad. A waste of a good man.

...maeflowers
 Petrified_Wood
Joined: 7/29/2009
Msg: 55
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/10/2009 7:55:39 AM
^^^ Rationalizing ones actions (making rational - not making excuses for) can be a source or strength. Understanding why things went the way they did is always helpful. Learning from mistakes is a choice of course.
 cncgandolf
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 56
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Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/10/2009 8:44:20 AM
"In a non-abusive relationship, I don't think there is an honest soul in the world that couldn't have done something more."

Iam an honest soul and having 'what if' for 15 years I can honestly say I left no stone unturned. All that I could do I did. However, the choices were not mine alone to make. He chose to find and marry someone else instead of working on our relationship. Not within my control.

For the next 8 years I left no stone unturned attempting a joint custody. She refused and tried to erease me from my kids life.

Be careful of any metaphors for always or never like 'an honest soul...' life doesn't operate on always or never.
 Janet4ever
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 57
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/10/2009 9:39:44 AM

Divorce weakens people. Especially children. My parents were happily married to the end. Thick and thin - there was strength in that.

I envy your perspective, because it's so very obvious that you have never been in a destructive or dangerous household.

But I do agree that in most cases divorce does hurt children -- as do bad marriages, and abusive parents.
 Petrified_Wood
Joined: 7/29/2009
Msg: 58
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/10/2009 9:49:33 AM
I was in a family where my parents stuck it out through some VERY difficult times (not necessarily because the times were difficult but they were unhappy). I don't know that watching people fight is preferable to having them divorce. In the end, they were happy together, so I suppose there's a lesson in that.

No argument on the "divorce weakens people" part - but then, there are divorces and there are divorces. My first one cost $750. My second - $300,000. The second one weakened me more than the first.
 tinkerbellcgy
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 59
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Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/10/2009 10:24:03 AM

I was in a family where my parents stuck it out through some VERY difficult times (not necessarily because the times were difficult but they were unhappy). I don't know that watching people fight is preferable to having them divorce. In the end, they were happy together, so I suppose there's a lesson in that.

I've got to agree with that quote. I also grew up in a family where my parents often verbally fought bitterly and it did not make for a pleasant home life. As a child, I often wished they would either divorce (which was virtually unheard of in those days) or put me up for adoption because their fighting was very negatively impacting me. Like PW's parents, they too in the end were happy together dying three months apart at 87 and 88.
 cncgandolf
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 60
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Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/10/2009 11:46:11 AM
"my parents stuck it out through some VERY difficult times (not necessarily because the times were difficult but they were unhappy). I don't know that watching people fight is preferable to having them divorce. "

It was more a cold war than fighting. Very dysfunctional home. My dad stayed until the youngest, me, got married. 32 years of marraige. While on my honeymoon he left my mother ... went to live on his boat bought with her money.

I'm not all that sure it was good for me that they stayed together. Since I didn't live the alternative I'll never know.

Connie
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 61
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/10/2009 6:57:08 PM

Mae, he chose to keep taking drugs and drinking alcohol...it was his choice...


I suppose. One day I asked him to make that choice...the drugs or my daughter and I. He didn't answer.


Divorce weakens people. Especially children
.

That's true in some respects. Divorce is crippling to begin with...but you do learn, you heal and you grow stronger.

I agree with you about the children, it affects them for a lifetime. Mine have never gotten over the fact that their dad hasn't given them the time of day in over 10 years. His choice.


My parents were happily married to the end. Thick and thin - there was strength in that.


...My parents were married for almost 40 years...not always happily, but they did love one another and weathered through some stormy times....that is until a drunk driver ended my father's life...my mother's too, although she lived.



Divorce is a choice. So is shooting yourself in the foot. Does that make one stronger? No, it makes one limp.


Divorce is not always a choice. It wasn't mine and I wasn't given an option...how do you respond when he says he doesn't love you anymore? And yes...that made me limp.... for a time.

...maeflowers
 Janet4ever
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 62
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/11/2009 9:28:40 AM

Divorce is crippling to begin with...but you do learn, you heal and you grow stronger.

Exactly. There's nothing fun or beneficial about going through a divorce, but coming out on the other side (after some time) can make you smarter, stronger and hopefully willing to take what you've learned and apply it to your future.

The alternative is to sit and moan and groan about the evil ex and how they have destroyed your life. I have seen this too much with those in our age group...
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 63
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/11/2009 9:39:54 AM
Oops, I get here after 7 pages.

I've never been married, and one reason for that is, that in my family--we.do.not.divorce.

I'm afraid that I would be the one to break that streak. I don't "give it my all", I don't think. I think I bail as soon as it's not fun any more. On the other hand, I'm not in relationships for having kids--as many people were. Now, I AM in relationship for fun. So when it's NOT fun, it is time to go.
 Janet4ever
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 64
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/11/2009 10:30:57 AM

At least you're honest about not giving it your all....

I can see myself at this stage maybe... wanting to date, have fun, but not marry again -- at least not NOW. I think over time, my view may change... but right now I'm not really confident in going the long haul.
 Petrified_Wood
Joined: 7/29/2009
Msg: 65
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/11/2009 9:19:02 PM

The alternative is to sit and moan and groan about the evil ex and how they have destroyed your life. I have seen this too much with those in our age group...


Guilty as charged. Going on 10 years now. It doesn't make sense to move on before she's done though - does it? .



(I had to check to see if I am in your age group - my profile, not yours).
 OldFolkie
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 66
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Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/11/2009 10:37:13 PM
I've had that "I don't love you anymore" conversation too.

And it made me limp too. But for a guy, this is a whole lot more serious, ya know?
 cncgandolf
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 67
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Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/11/2009 11:39:40 PM
"If you get married, stay married. Take your vows seriously"

I did take my vows seriously. God knew better than me .... hence, even with 3 children from the marraige ... I have a Catholic annullment. Took several years and respoinding to the required questions required many hours of essay writing and review of my part in the marraige.

Final decision of the Papal Tribunal court? We meant our vows.... God knew we weren't supposed to be together. We could not make work what God never joined together in the first place.
 TheNightowl001
Joined: 6/29/2008
Msg: 68
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/12/2009 2:25:17 AM

"If you get married, stay married. Take your vows seriously"
After 24 years of marriage, 20 minutes into the first marriage counseling session I finally talked my ex into attending, the counselor looked at us and said "Why are you two married?" I was miserable enough that I was seriously considering two options, either of which would have ended the marriage. I finally chose leaving. It was a more difficult choice than I really care to talk about. But it annoys me no end when people who didn't live in that house think they can decide that I didn't take my vows "seriously."
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 69
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Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/12/2009 7:56:03 PM
You can look back, examine your relationships,have your regrets, wish you could have done something more or better, tried to will yourself through or wish you would have talked more and understood your partner better. You can also look at the good things a partner brought you- things people tend to forget- taught you something about yourself, made you smile, negotiated through small problems and added some personal growth.

But through the good and the bad- time keeps moving. You can undo the past and beyond a point you can't dwell on it either. Your life is like a boat on a river- you go with the flow, you can fight it for a while but you get carried along with it eventually. You can sit on shore for a bit, but soon you have to get back out in it. You can learn that its best to go with it, try to steer around trouble and be ready for whatever is around the bend- and trust that you can deal with it.
 Petrified_Wood
Joined: 7/29/2009
Msg: 70
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/12/2009 8:19:22 PM

That's marriage. Misery is attached like a bad email. Everyone is miserable in marriage for a while or even quite a while. Then you learn that it's just life. Work through the misery. Or run and discover another type. In either case, life will be in your face like a rabid dog following you on every path. Buddy up to the poor thing, pet it, train it, master it.


Sometimes, the humane thing to do is to put put a bad marriage OUT of its misery.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 71
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Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/12/2009 9:06:45 PM

My parents were happily married to the end. Thick and thin - there was strength in that.
...My parents were married for almost 40 years...not always happily, but they did love one another and weathered through some stormy times....that is until a drunk driver ended my father's life...my mother's too, although she lived.


Mae, that is so tragic! I cannot imagine how painful for your family to lose your father, but to see your mother suffer so terribly.


Divorce is a choice. So is shooting yourself in the foot. Does that make one stronger? No, it makes one limp.



Divorce is not always a choice. It wasn't mine and I wasn't given an option...how do you respond when he says he doesn't love you anymore? And yes...that made me limp.... for a time.


No, it is not always a choice, a marriage is between two people and both have to be willing participants. I was not given a choice in my situation, Grasshopper thought the grass was greener. I was limp too, for a while. Many of us here, I have gathered from many threads, would have liked to have saved our marriages, but our partner was unwilling to communicate what was missing to us.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 72
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Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/12/2009 9:09:56 PM

There were a few things tht I would change, but not many. I believe she would have left even if I HAD done everything right. She wanted to live the party life, not raise a family, and she's still doing the same thing 10 years after . . .


I think my situation might have been much like yours in that I could not have done much to change that he no longer wanted to be a suburban husband and father. He wanted the single life, to feel young again, and to not have so many responsibilites. He too is still doing the same thing, ten years later.

The good thing is SNR, in my case, we are close friends now and he has become a much better and involved father in our girls' life.
 Janet4ever
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 73
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/16/2009 9:48:22 AM

I think my situation might have been much like yours in that I could not have done much to change that he no longer wanted to be a suburban husband and father. He wanted the single life, to feel young again, and to not have so many responsibilites. He too is still doing the same thing, ten years later.

I know most of us have "reasons" for why they didn't work out before... and I guess the real question is "what will you do different next time?" based on what we've learned from past experiences.
 Petrified_Wood
Joined: 7/29/2009
Msg: 74
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/16/2009 10:03:05 AM

I know most of us have "reasons" for why they didn't work out before... and I guess the real question is "what will you do different next time?" based on what we've learned from past experiences.


I'm learning but it's hard work - still on the A's:

Accede
Acquiesce
Assent
 TigressRose
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 75
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/16/2009 2:51:46 PM
I'm sure both sides of any couple has their own version of what went right, what went wrong but I know I gave it my all . Could my "all" be given in a better context? perhaps ... but

As in any relationship there were plenty of ups and downs ... nothing and no one is perfect.


"I did my best, but i guess it wasn't good enough cause here we are, back where we were before".
James Ingram
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