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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Did you "really" give it your all?      Home login  
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 cncgandolf
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 67
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Did you really give it your all?Page 7 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
"If you get married, stay married. Take your vows seriously"

I did take my vows seriously. God knew better than me .... hence, even with 3 children from the marraige ... I have a Catholic annullment. Took several years and respoinding to the required questions required many hours of essay writing and review of my part in the marraige.

Final decision of the Papal Tribunal court? We meant our vows.... God knew we weren't supposed to be together. We could not make work what God never joined together in the first place.
 TheNightowl001
Joined: 6/29/2008
Msg: 68
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/12/2009 2:25:17 AM

"If you get married, stay married. Take your vows seriously"
After 24 years of marriage, 20 minutes into the first marriage counseling session I finally talked my ex into attending, the counselor looked at us and said "Why are you two married?" I was miserable enough that I was seriously considering two options, either of which would have ended the marriage. I finally chose leaving. It was a more difficult choice than I really care to talk about. But it annoys me no end when people who didn't live in that house think they can decide that I didn't take my vows "seriously."
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 69
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Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/12/2009 7:56:03 PM
You can look back, examine your relationships,have your regrets, wish you could have done something more or better, tried to will yourself through or wish you would have talked more and understood your partner better. You can also look at the good things a partner brought you- things people tend to forget- taught you something about yourself, made you smile, negotiated through small problems and added some personal growth.

But through the good and the bad- time keeps moving. You can undo the past and beyond a point you can't dwell on it either. Your life is like a boat on a river- you go with the flow, you can fight it for a while but you get carried along with it eventually. You can sit on shore for a bit, but soon you have to get back out in it. You can learn that its best to go with it, try to steer around trouble and be ready for whatever is around the bend- and trust that you can deal with it.
 Petrified_Wood
Joined: 7/29/2009
Msg: 70
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/12/2009 8:19:22 PM

That's marriage. Misery is attached like a bad email. Everyone is miserable in marriage for a while or even quite a while. Then you learn that it's just life. Work through the misery. Or run and discover another type. In either case, life will be in your face like a rabid dog following you on every path. Buddy up to the poor thing, pet it, train it, master it.


Sometimes, the humane thing to do is to put put a bad marriage OUT of its misery.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 71
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Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/12/2009 9:06:45 PM

My parents were happily married to the end. Thick and thin - there was strength in that.
...My parents were married for almost 40 years...not always happily, but they did love one another and weathered through some stormy times....that is until a drunk driver ended my father's life...my mother's too, although she lived.


Mae, that is so tragic! I cannot imagine how painful for your family to lose your father, but to see your mother suffer so terribly.


Divorce is a choice. So is shooting yourself in the foot. Does that make one stronger? No, it makes one limp.



Divorce is not always a choice. It wasn't mine and I wasn't given an option...how do you respond when he says he doesn't love you anymore? And yes...that made me limp.... for a time.


No, it is not always a choice, a marriage is between two people and both have to be willing participants. I was not given a choice in my situation, Grasshopper thought the grass was greener. I was limp too, for a while. Many of us here, I have gathered from many threads, would have liked to have saved our marriages, but our partner was unwilling to communicate what was missing to us.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 72
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Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/12/2009 9:09:56 PM

There were a few things tht I would change, but not many. I believe she would have left even if I HAD done everything right. She wanted to live the party life, not raise a family, and she's still doing the same thing 10 years after . . .


I think my situation might have been much like yours in that I could not have done much to change that he no longer wanted to be a suburban husband and father. He wanted the single life, to feel young again, and to not have so many responsibilites. He too is still doing the same thing, ten years later.

The good thing is SNR, in my case, we are close friends now and he has become a much better and involved father in our girls' life.
 Janet4ever
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 73
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/16/2009 9:48:22 AM

I think my situation might have been much like yours in that I could not have done much to change that he no longer wanted to be a suburban husband and father. He wanted the single life, to feel young again, and to not have so many responsibilites. He too is still doing the same thing, ten years later.

I know most of us have "reasons" for why they didn't work out before... and I guess the real question is "what will you do different next time?" based on what we've learned from past experiences.
 Petrified_Wood
Joined: 7/29/2009
Msg: 74
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/16/2009 10:03:05 AM

I know most of us have "reasons" for why they didn't work out before... and I guess the real question is "what will you do different next time?" based on what we've learned from past experiences.


I'm learning but it's hard work - still on the A's:

Accede
Acquiesce
Assent
 TigressRose
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 75
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/16/2009 2:51:46 PM
I'm sure both sides of any couple has their own version of what went right, what went wrong but I know I gave it my all . Could my "all" be given in a better context? perhaps ... but

As in any relationship there were plenty of ups and downs ... nothing and no one is perfect.


"I did my best, but i guess it wasn't good enough cause here we are, back where we were before".
James Ingram
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 76
Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/16/2009 10:27:19 PM

Mae, that is so tragic! I cannot imagine how painful for your family to lose your father, but to see your mother suffer so terribly


..Yes, my heart ached for her. She never remarried or even dated after my dad passed away. She really did give it her all.
I wanted that, what my parents had.....but that sort of thing doesn't happen very often does it? Literally meeting 'your other half'

...maeflowers
 winfieldbrian
Joined: 8/9/2008
Msg: 77
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Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/18/2009 6:22:23 PM
I'm sure that there were things that she and I could have done differently, but I don't think that the end result would have been us remaining together. When you grow apart slowly but don't notice it until it's too late, the chasm between the both of you can be insurmountable.
 kari135
Joined: 9/1/2009
Msg: 78
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Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 9/8/2009 9:21:26 AM
"Yeah there is. If you get married, stay married. Take your vows seriously or don't take them at all. (That includes honoring and loving each other, BTW). Quitting to 'get stronger' is a cop out. You get stronger by toughing it out - ask my parents' generation."

There are times that's not possible. I took my vows seriously. When he spent our wedding night in someone else's bed, it was pretty obvious that he didn't. Still, I tried for another 2 years - right up to the time he finally moved in with someone else. There were a lot of 'someone elses' along the way... I finally moved far enough away to not see or hear any of what he was doing, and I ended up paying for the divorce. In fact, I paid twice, because the first time, in the state where he lived, he was too hung orver or something to bother to go to court and sign the papers. I did hear from his several months later asking if we were divorced yet, because he wanted to marry whoever it was he currently lived with. I finally did get one in my state, but I didn't tell him about it. Pure pettiness on my part, I'm sure... But it left me so gun-shy I even refused to marry my kids' father. It took nearly 20 years for me to trust someone else again that much, and it was just great, until he died.
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