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 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 132
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What do you think about men our age with small kids??Page 4 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
"What do you think about men our age with small kids??"

Personally, I don't think about them at all. Just not my scene. They are welcome to date women other than me. It is all good. We just wouldn't be a match.
 cotter
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 133
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What do you think about men our age with small kids??
Posted: 3/12/2010 7:41:16 PM
Well, I'll be 61 next month and actually met a gentleman my age about 2 years ago who didn't bother to tell me that he had a little boy until I met him for a late breakfast ... sort of brunch. The little boy was barely 5 years old and at first I thought it was his grandson, but it wasn't.

I'm a nurse and proud to be a nurse, but I swear that there are an awful lot of men out there that either want me to be their personal nurse or the nursemaid for their children.

I don't want another batch of children to raise. I had four and lost my youngest and only son back in the fall of 2005. I have one grandchild and there's no question that if it were necessary I'd take him in a minute ... no questions asked. And I'd also understand if a man doesn't want to be saddled with something like that.

I have to say that deep down inside, when I meet a man my age with young children ... I just want to ask him, "What the hell were you thinking?" or "Which head decided this would be a good idea?"
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 135
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What do you think about men our age with small kids??
Posted: 3/13/2010 6:57:45 AM
It is not at all selfish, raising kids is a huge time comittment and they need a parent who can devote the time necessary to raise them well. I think you can have a partner and raise your kids, it is a wonderful thing for kids to see a relationship that works well, but getting to the point of partnership is the hard thing.

We are not really meant to raise kids forever and God bless those who want to, I am just not one of them.
 Sassysouthernbelle762
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 136
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What do you think about men our age with small kids??
Posted: 3/13/2010 8:01:08 AM
My youngest is 6.5.....yes he was my OOPS baby, lol As for men "Our Age" with younger childen....."Bring Em Baby".......if I don't have to go through Pregnancy, Labor and Delivery......I can pretty much deal with anything else that follows. Besides I have custody of 2 grandkids ages 2 & 3 years...so who am I to talk, lol I personally don't care......I love children.....mine, yours...who evers. All kids need all the love they can get these days so for me personally...........Bring Em Baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 pmynx
Joined: 3/25/2009
Msg: 139
What do you think about men our age with small kids??
Posted: 3/15/2010 6:18:40 PM
Take it from someone who married said man and had full custody of 3 children from his very young ex wife. They are not in the position to be a romantic couple anymore than we were when we were raising our children and it's a lot harder to accept that when they are not your children and you are 50 years old. It is very hard to just give up on the thought that it's your time now. We should be able to run to the beach when we want at our age without having to find a babysitter first.
 kbodley
Joined: 11/26/2008
Msg: 140
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What do you think about men our age with small kids??
Posted: 3/15/2010 7:06:17 PM

are there children, grand-children, elderly parents or relatives who might possibly be coming to live with us in the near future? I know that you can't foresee everything but getting the basics out of the way is a first step in the right direction.


I think these are a couple of really good points! It is crucial that before you enter into a relationship with anyone, you discuss what is important in their lives, including their children, extended family, and pets! I have met several guys that - after a couple of conversations - it was obvious they would not be happy on a beach vacation that included the kids, grandkids, brothers, parents, dogs and all! While this is certainly not how I spend every weekend, I certainly would not consider getting involved with someone who wouldn't enjoy that type of family interaction!

I also think that if you meet a guy that has young children - whether he has custody or not - you need to understand that his obligation to them comes before his obligation to you! If you can't deal with that, then you should move on!
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 142
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What do you think about men our age with small kids??
Posted: 3/16/2010 5:29:35 AM

Also... those parents who proudly proclaim that they're not looking for a mother/father for their kids and/or who go on to say that I wouldn't even be a part of their kid's lives for a very long time only reinforces the fact that we're so NOT compatible ... how can you get close to someone if you're not even allowed into his life?

Because of my own personal circumstances, I know all too well that parenting is a full-time, life long responsibility - I have nothing in common with those who think I shouldn't mind their young children because they are "part-time fathers" ... how can anybody think that being a parent is a part-time thing?
ABSOLUTELY!!!! That's what I've been saying all along!!! Be very wary of anyone who would even suggest that they could deal with it...."being only part time". This is a person who is not willing to FULLY commit to YOU....and ALL of your life, "baggage"...for better or worse, etc.


What is a little different about this issue compared to others is the bluntness with which the rejections come. Men and women alike, if they were told repeatedly they were too old, too unattractive, too fat, too poor, etc. ad nauseum I have no doubt that they would react, and not in a good way. Somehow it's socially acceptable to tell them it's because of their kids, which really hits at a personal level, but the same person would be castigated for telling someone they were too fat, uneducated or anything of that sort. Instead they would be brushed off as a lack of chemistry, or "not their type." A much more gentle letdown wouldn't you agree?
Well, I can't disagree with you there that a few "little white lies" could soothe ruffled feathers....however, I do think you're dismissing the "logic" that many of these men have.....which is that these women are just being "selfish" for even considering that there ARE drawbacks to such a relationship.

These assumptions range from assuming the men would want the women to raise their kids to assuming a ton of other factors, too numerous to go into here.
I don't think anyone assumes that at all. I think we've been pretty realistic is recognizing that a man (a father) who has his children every weekend would probably expect his SO to be there, as part of a "family". That means that SHE would be...cooking breakfast, planning weekend activities and participating in them.


IMO, the shoe could as well be on the other foot with empty nester men. I'd wager that a number of them are not going to want to spend vacations visitng grandchildren, or have small grandchildren running around, even for visits, and God help those where "Grandma" is local and a regular babysitter. And again, while not directly responsive to this topic, there's the whole issue of the older folks, and getting involved with someone who could potentially be responsible for caring for aged parents.
EXACTLY!!!! Then WHY is it that "he" doesn't consider THAT "selfish"???
I think we can all see what an "empty nester MAN" would find a doting Grandma to be incompatible with HIS life (I've met a LOT of them....but have NOT labeled ANY of them "selfish"). The problem that we've discussed "ad nauseum" as you say, is the ASSUMPTION that older women should want to "mother" until they're 90.

There's another thread just started....same topic... guy ...needs some "hand holding"....and ya know.....I REALLY feel sorry for this man (and all the others); because he's right....it's hard. BUT...it's NOT impossible....the PROBLEM IS...that he's NOT looking in the places which would RESOLVE his "problem". The thread has degenerated to....the only women who would consider him are "fat"...and they HAVE KIDS!

The obvious solution is for these older fathers to seek out younger mothers...who have ex husbands who don't support or visit those children. And, yeah....realistically, they're not going to get the "model" types. Those young women are going to find babysitters and go on dates on Friday and Saturday night. But there are plenty out there who " can't get dates", who would be thrilled to have a stable older man to spend those weekends with them....and ALL the kids (his and hers).

I'm NOT un-sympathetic to the plight of these older fathers; truly. I may laugh when I think of the irony...that they don't want a women with children...but they want a woman without children to want them....but aside from that...they really are "screwed". (being not generally attractive to either younger or older women). But....it WILL get better....they just have to hang in there :-)

LOL! now.....I'm off to find a Grandfather raising grandchildren......who ships them off to the "other grandparents" every weekend......to go dancing ....or to fly to Cancun for the weekend to lay on the beach with ME! LOL!
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 143
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What do you think about men our age with small kids??
Posted: 3/16/2010 8:12:16 AM
Again, what I find amazing in this thread is the level of unreality that is expressed. Whatever your personal situation may be, you will be able to find an attractive companion of the opposite sex who will fit into whatever you are up to. Its not always very easy, but it will happen if you are open to it.

I really have never run into anybody who wanted to be part of a fantasy life, jetting off to the beach for the weekend, managing a continuous series of events involving wine, fine food, world travel, etc. The vast majority of people get pretty bored with that stuff pretty quickly. Myself, I won't even go to Cancun any more. Been there, done that plenty, and if I ever see another Mexican with a sign saying they are looking for tips again I will probably lose it.

"Small kids", in my experience, don't really last all that long, and while when they are really small they are a lot of work and responsibility, it gets easier by the month. People have lives to live, and they look for and find partners who want to share those lives. You may not want to be involved with other people's kids, and in general, its a rare bird that will be able to fit in there in any complete sense, and that is perfectly fine. I don't see, however, how you can ever really avoid some level of family related constraints on your life unless you take up with a childless single person with no family connections at all. Its all a matter of degree and it can change in an instant. There is never any guarantee.

The basis that you will be able to find a fantasy life with those who have no child responsibilities is, however, to me, a silly illusion. That kind of dream was fine at 18, but at this age it just will not happen. Most people have been there, done that decades ago and have moved on.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 144
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What do you think about men our age with small kids??
Posted: 3/16/2010 8:21:24 AM
"The basis that you will be able to find a fantasy life with those who have no child responsibilities is, however, to me, a silly illusion. That kind of dream was fine at 18, but at this age it just will not happen. Most people have been there, done that decades ago and have moved on."

Not all of us feel that way. I travel regulary, and never get bored of it. Being involved with people in other countries does makes me very happy. Will be with my international friends again soon, and can't wait.

Could I just walk (fly) away, if I commiteed myself to a live in relationship with a man with small kids? Don't think so.

In my opinion, it is best that we know how we want to spend our lives, and do so. We aren't doing anyone a favour my getting involved with their livestyle if it isn't for us.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 145
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What do you think about men our age with small kids??
Posted: 3/16/2010 8:44:36 AM
The vagabond lifestyle does indeed have an appeal, and to those who love it, more power to them.

I don't suggest that taking up with people who have small children in tow is for everyone. I only suggest that not taking up with such people based on a fantasy of life, as opposed to an actual life, does not make sense. People should not take up with such situations based on the life they are living, not the one they dream of living, unless they are pretty sure they will actually live it. I only point out that its a fantasy if you expect to meet someone who will create such a life. If you already have created your fantasy life, by all means look for those who will be compatible with it.

In any event, children, in themselves, do not generally limit life's possibilities. They only make them more complicated. Of course, this is also true of anybody you bring into your life.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 147
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What do you think about men our age with small kids??
Posted: 3/16/2010 10:43:27 AM
I never called anyone selfish or any other negative adjective.
I too have raised kids and really am enjoying seeing that come to an end
I too would not particularly want to become involved with more kid raising
I too have a family with "issues", some severe, just like most everyone else in the world
I too am completely burned out from raising kids, and its something that never ends, regardless of their age.

I am also aware of the "Life is what you make of it!" expression, which I firmly believe in. My observations on this matter are entirely related to the idea that there is nothing intrinsically wrong with people who have kids in tow, and any type of relationship and life is perfectly possible with such people. It depends on you, them and how creative you are. Just because someone has no kids in tow does not mean the two of you will be able to create a heavenly life together, and the opposite is also true.

My point is that being restrictive about a person's family situation just cuts down your opportunities and provides no tangible benefits.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 148
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What do you think about men our age with small kids??
Posted: 3/16/2010 12:03:41 PM
With all due respect rearguard:
I really have never run into anybody who wanted to be part of a fantasy life, jetting off to the beach for the weekend, managing a continuous series of events involving wine, fine food, world travel, etc. The vast majority of people get pretty bored with that stuff pretty quickly. Myself, I won't even go to Cancun any more. Been there, done that plenty, and if I ever see another Mexican with a sign saying they are looking for tips again I will probably lose it.
Maybe YOU are tired of doing those things....but FYI.....

I worked 70-90 hrs a week (that was 10-12 hrs a day), and raised 4 children. DURING that time....I DIDN'T "jet off" anywhere....I was WORKING. So, while YOU may be tired of it....how can those of us who have HAD the responsibility of a family and job in our younger years possibly be TIRED of something we haven't yet had the opportunity to do?


"Small kids", in my experience, don't really last all that long, and while when they are really small they are a lot of work and responsibility, it gets easier by the month.
Please define "Last all that long"??? LOL! because...let's see....I've been raising kids for 34 years now...and I ONLY have 12 more years to go...that's a grand total of....46 years!


The basis that you will be able to find a fantasy life with those who have no child responsibilities is, however, to me, a silly illusion.
I think that's pretty much what people have BEEN saying....LOL! but I'm also .....perhaps reading into this...that you think that people WITHOUT those child rearing responsibilities are the ones living the fanstasy...because they're not going to have that life anyhow???

I fail to see what is "fantasy" about it??? I'm raising 2 grandchildren.....they are ages 6 and 9...and I assure you...that I DO get on an airplane and GO. This summer, I'm taking the kids out west (camping...30 days), but before that, I'm flying to NYC to spend 5 days with my cousin...and AFTER that, I'm going to spend a week on the beach with my girlfriend in North Carolina. LOL! Next year...I'm going to Ireland (ALONE) for 2 weeks.

I also don't see where any 45+ woman is thinking, or saying...that she's going to
managing a continuous series of events involving wine, fine food, world travel, etc.
either! I think that ALL they're saying IS...that they expect to be able to do those things...OCCASIONALLY. And, since you can't seem to comprehend the differences, then I'll SPELL IT OUT for you.

I'm 57 yrs old...my grandchildren (soon to be my son and daughter...when the adoption is final) have 2 other sets of grandparents. Those other grandparents ACKNOWLEDGE the "sacrifices" that I'm making in order to provide "OUR" grandchildren with a good home and decent life. THEY therefore.....CALL ME...and tell me...."Hey...we're going to take the kids off your hands this weekend so you can relax and have some fun."

I just don't see a 35 yr old Mom telling her 55 yr old ex that HE needs to take a weekend off and have fun! It's MORE than likely....that she is telling him that she has the kids all week..and that the LEAST he can do is take them every weekend so SHE can relax and have fun! Futhermore...I can just see what a 35 yr old Mom would say...if she thought for a second that her ex was going to miss a weekend of visitation to go on a 4 day weekend cruise.

Since men really seem to not be able to relate to the concept of time and energy...then here's one thing that perhaps they CAN relate to! MONEY. I'm NOT giving my social security number OR MY W2s to HER lawyer. Ohio is bad enough...but Canada??? forget it! Here's how the Ohio Revised Code views "disregarding traditional guidelines in "special circumstances""
Combine G with K (it becomes F): F. The relative financial resources, including but not limited to disparity of
income between parties or households, other assets, and the needs of each parent.
Retain H (it becomes G): G. Benefits that either parent receives from remarriage or sharing living expenses with another person;


If this guys child support order is increased $500. to $1,000. a month because he's in a living arrangement with me.....WHO exactly is supposed to pay it? Me? Him? AND, if he has the extra (average) $750. a month to pay then WHY is it a "silly illusion" that we be expecting to enjoy a little time on the beach once in a while?

I think that too many of you just ASSUME that women are all poverty striken empty nest grannys. Sure, by the time I'm 70 yrs old....I probably will be ready for the "rocking chair". That's WHY we do all those things we'd always dreamed of...between the ages of 55 to 70! We're old enough, and have the money and the energy to still do them. But this IS the "trade off" that guys make. Get real here! What would ya'll tell me if I got dumped by a 40 yr old man? LOL! You'd tell me...I should have KNOW that he was only after sex...and I shouldn't have ever believed that he'd stick around til I was 65! RIGHT???? Of course that's right! Well, likewise....with a 50% divorce rate for 1st timers....and like a 75% divorce rate for 2nd marriages.....HE should have KNOWN that he was going to be a 55 yr old weekend Dad....who can't get a date. It's NOT rocket science, and it's not as if those statistics aren't published in about every nook and cranny one looks into. Life may be "unfair"...but this is a situation where HE has been the one who's unfair both to HIMSELF...and to his children. It's HE who gambled that she was going to "love him forever"...and he lost; but for pity sake....STOP making these poor children feel like they're responsible for your unhappiness (due to not finding a new partner) They SHOULD be thankful for those children; put them first and worry about finding another woman.....LATER. Finding a "man" is the last thing on my mind. LOL! Hell, I trip over them every time I walk out the door...but for the next 12 years...MY priority is raising my grandchildren...showing them that WE ARE responsible for our OWN happiness. I certainly am NOT so cruel as to sit around the house moping that because of them....I have to sacrifice finding "love". That's just a ridiculous and a cruel thing to do to kids.

I hope that when I'm dead and buried for 25 years they'll always remember that I showed them that instead of laying around bemoaning all the things that you CAN'T do...I was busy DOING the things that I COULD (do).
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 149
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What do you think about men our age with small kids??
Posted: 3/16/2010 12:16:09 PM
EDIT:


I only point out that its a fantasy if you expect to meet someone who will create such a life. If you already have created your fantasy life, by all means look for those who will be compatible with it.
Rear....You're REALLY missing the point that Danielle and I are NOT even defending ourselves! 55 year old Fathers are not interested in Grandmother's. And the women that they ARE UNJUSTLY calling "selfish" are those women who are 50+ who do NOT have either children or grandchildren in the home...and so they "selfishly" wonder....WHY NOT? We're simply trying to TELL THEM....why not!

Every time a 50+ woman without children opens her mouth....you men...and even some women are beating them to death with all this nonsense about them wanting to live some "silly illusion".
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 150
What do you think about men our age with small kids??
Posted: 3/16/2010 12:26:08 PM
I seriously don't get why this is still a question for some.
Not wanting to date someone with young kids is simply
a preference. Hasn't anything to do with being selfish
or living in a fantasy life.
Has nothing to do with why people choose to have kids
later in life and it certainly doesn't put down those that do.
If we choose NOT to date someone with toddlers or young
children, we are indeed eliminating a portion of the population
from our search. But we do that anyway when we eliminate someone
who is too short, too tall, too fat, too skinny, too poor etc.
etc. It's all about preference. Last I heard...we were still entitled
to preferences.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 151
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What do you think about men our age with small kids??
Posted: 3/16/2010 1:08:20 PM

My point is that being restrictive about a person's family situation just cuts down your opportunities and provides no tangible benefits.


Time is precious to me, dear rearguard, and how I spend my time is very important. Being restrictive about a person's family situation protects my valuable time and how enjoyably it is spent. Money is a tangible thing and raising/educating two daughters has taken every spare cent that I have made, and I was happy to do it. Now, it is my turn to enjoy the fruits of my labor and to allow them the opportunity to take care of themselves.

No thanks to raing anyone else's kids ever in this lifetime, unless one of my children needs for me to raise theirs due to some unforeseen circumstances, if and when they ever have kids. I will do that with all the love and joy I can muster.

If that makes me selfish, then I am selfish.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 152
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What do you think about men our age with small kids??
Posted: 3/16/2010 2:27:26 PM
recently becoming acquainted with a man my age, who was seperarated for a long time with half custody of his young teen. mom has unexpectedly died.

i totally admire this man and what he is doing for his child, who has had many losses at such a young age. certainly, i won't hold it against him. too many people i meet are dead inside, critical of others, boring. he appears to be none of those things.

i don't know if it will go beyond friends. but, he has my support, no matter what. becoming a mom at age 50, i know the drill and i know how extremely difficult it can be. but, i find the alienated ones and couch potatoes, way less attractive.

that being said, we've all had different lives, different experiences. there is a star shining bright for each of us, if willing to do the work to get through that tunnel! people are not commodities, they are human spirits. each person has an interesting story to share. doesn't mean you have to marry the person. but each person has the right to first demand respect w/o inflicting your "stuff" upon them--and second, as they say in professional circles, to be entitled to "due process"! you can learn something from everyone. for all you know, the person may have a friend or brother who is "right" for you or vice versa. just extend a hand. you don't have to give up your soul on a first date!

ps it does help if you are both retired or have a decent buy out package from your redesigned employer! but often people with extensive work and grown family demands are just as unavailable as a person with a child. also, many are just unavailable by nature!
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 153
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What do you think about men our age with small kids??
Posted: 3/16/2010 4:28:46 PM
Yes, everyone does have something to offer others, that is very true. However, lifestyle is a choice and everyone is entitled to their own preferences. I choose not to be a stepmother and I think being an authentic person, true to what you really want and need, is the greatest gift that you can give yourself.
 pmynx
Joined: 3/25/2009
Msg: 154
What do you think about men our age with small kids??
Posted: 3/16/2010 4:39:27 PM
Very well said. It is no reflection on the children at all, nor the man, only that some of us women have passed through that phase of our lives and do not wish to start it again. Not all of us dream of taking care of the grandkids either.
 Blue-Eyes-Shine
Joined: 11/26/2008
Msg: 155
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What do you think about men our age with small kids??
Posted: 3/16/2010 4:40:34 PM
With small kids? No thank you. I'm 52 and have spent my time taking care of everyone elses needs. Call me selfish but it's time for me to have a little tlc.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 156
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What do you think about men our age with small kids??
Posted: 3/16/2010 4:50:26 PM
I think I resent even the thought that any of us who have raised our families, taken care of everyone in our lives, and made sure that the world was right for those we love, could even, for a moment, consider ourselves selfish because we want to be the person we were meant to be, which is a whole woman, not just a caretaker, provider, etc.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 160
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What do you think about men our age with small kids??
Posted: 3/18/2010 11:32:29 AM

Very well said. It is no reflection on the children at all, nor the man, only that some of us women have passed through that phase of our lives and do not wish to start it again. Not all of us dream of taking care of the grandkids either.
BINGO!!!! It's NOT even so much about the children...as it is those 30 something ex wives. Perfect example:


If somebody doesn't want to deal with kids, that's fine, but just don't go around slamming everybody else who has young kids. How would you feel if somebody rejected you because you have an elderly and sick parent? Or because you work for the post office and they once had a lost letter? Or because you had to have a malign cyst removed and have a scar on your body?
Your reasons are your reasons, simply respect everybody else's!!
LOL! the 30 something women are so into themselves that they can't even comprehend it when they read that NOBODY is slamming those who DO have children.....that we're simply ASKING these men to STOP slamming US for taking a "pass". If I wanted to become a slave to some immature demands....LOL! I get enough of those from MY OWN daughters...I surely don't need some 32 yr old ex spouse telling me how I'm going to live MY life. Only a 32 yr old could compare voluntarily rearing a child to....loosing a letter at the post office....OR.....the inevitability that our parents get old and require our assistance. ALSO, only a 32 yr old (non related) is silly enough to actually believe that what limited energy we HAVE at 57 should be spend helping her run kids to ballet lessons and soccer games...and that we (57 yr old) should ignore our own 80 yr old parents needs....because she'd picking up a few extra hours work at the Piggly Wiggly that afternoon and needs "stepmom" (granny) to help her out our new partners children.

As I've said over and over again...there ARE younger women who are more than willing to accept these 55+ dads....LOL! but...there's always the chance that yeah....they're going to have to commit to being 70+ Dads too.


Ive come to a point where I can pack a bag and take off for a week without worrying about kids, homework, soccer, girlguides, dance, cubs, ballet, Parent teacher interviews and no second momma drama.

Im not being selfish. Been there, done that... twice!.. Not interested in doing it again. People reject others for all kinds of reasons, too fat, too old, too far away, not enough in common, maybe they look like their Ex, maybe they dont like their financial status, or their job, or even their hobbies. Its not personal, its a preference, and we are entitled to search for what we want.
EXACTLY!!!!

That's why I'd be more than willing to accept a GRANDFATHER raising children....but NOT a "father"....because they come with those child bride ex wives who were looking for a Daddy when they married the guy...and then after they had a child...divorced him because they realize they weren't the "baby" anymore.


However, my life is drama free at this time, and I do not have to deal with exes or anyone's exes. The men with young children that I dated were always in disputes with the ex. I love children and especially toddlers, but I have absolutely no desire to deal with someone elses ex and their squabbling over the kids.
I couldn't agree more! I love children......but I certainly draw the line at treating some guys 30 some yr old ex wife as the child she's become accustomed to being.

When they come back in 25 YEARS...and acknowledge how ridiculously naive and selfish THEY were at 32.......LOL!!! well....then it still won't matter one iota to me...but I hope that someone is trying to force the same garbage down their throats....and criticizing THEM for not liking it!

Rat1960: Why don't YOU start a "Father's Childcare Co-op"????? Granted, it may not be helpful in respect to a long term committed relationship but would be a good way for you single dads to help each other out and form that kind of support group. I've actually found in my own experience that MEN often make much better "babysitters" than women do....short of those very "grandmotherly" types. (My babysitters are...2 grandfathers and 2 uncles, 1 aunt....the kids really seem to thrive on that male attention!)
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 161
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What do you think about men our age with small kids??
Posted: 3/18/2010 11:50:29 AM
Nobody is slamming anyone about anything here, some of us have no interest in men with small kids, it is simple. We have given of ourselves for many years to our families and now, there is a certain and most delightful freedom that we have earned. As beautiful Deb1961 says, we can pack our bags, turn out the lights, and head off.

I have no more admiration personally for single dads than I do single moms who raise their kids. Never have understood that a man who raises his kids is any different from a woman who raises hers. A good parent is just that, a good parent, and that is an attribute to anyone.

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 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 163
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What do you think about men our age with small kids??
Posted: 3/18/2010 12:34:48 PM
I think that it's kind of interesting to keep things open with few restrictions when looking for a mate.

Those that feel that they need this time...I get it. Preferences are important.

What's more important in my mind though is that you'll never really get the entire package...ya know? You can put it out to the universe...all of you with those lists and see what comes your way. By and large I've had more success in life in keeping my options open.

I remember answering some question on a similar topic and I think I suggested at the time that I'd prefer to be around someone with older kids. Now, I just know that if I had to choose deal-breaker things and re-evaluate what was important in a guy...it'd not so much around the fact that he's got children to raise and responsibilities that I feel would limit the 'us' and likely demand my participation, it'd be more around seeing what do we have and what we could create together to carve out a life for us - albeit with kids.

Being a parent was demanding and challenging and draining at times and that was in large part because I was alone.

I don't see sharing and participating in a relationship with a man with kids as hitting "replay" on a part of my life that I'm thankful/sad to be over. The dynamics for me being part of anything like this would be different...primarily because I'd not be a principal player this time around, and in part because I've matured and know what to expect...and because of it, I've become more relaxed about things.

Having a man who has kids is not the deal-breaker for me that is for some of you. I think what's important to me is what's left after his kids leave...because they won't be there forever.

I'd rather concentrate on what he's about...what he's got going on inside...and how we feel together. If that works...really works...we'll work around the other stuff.

edited

jmo.
 simpleman460
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 164
What do you think about men our age with small kids??
Posted: 3/18/2010 5:08:18 PM
This thread makes for some interesting reading,
I would like to make it clear that I respect each and everyone's opinions, preferences,wishes and whatever else.
Now I'm a man soon to be 50 years of age and am the father of 4 children all of the same mother my ex.
Their ages are 22,19,17 and 11 there is not one thing I wouldn't do for them including raising them on my own(if needed be) which I consider mine as well as their mothers responsibility.
I would never consider asking or assuming that another partner would take up that role, that being said I would hope my new partner would be accepting of my responsibility and ideals as a father as I would be to theirs as well.

I must also add that I have no desire to raise someone's children other than mine as I don't feel that is my responsibility and they may have a different philosophy and/or approach to doing so. However I have no problem giving my advice in a few areas I think I have done very well in raising my own kids if asked.

I think a man seeking a mate for the purpose of raising His kids is very shallow and selfish, I for one do not need anyone that badly.
I wish all of you all the happiness you deserve and desire!
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 166
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What do you think about men our age with small kids??
Posted: 3/18/2010 7:26:34 PM

Their ages are 22,19,17 and 11 there is not one thing I wouldn't do for them including raising them on my own(if needed be) which I consider mine as well as their mothers responsibility.
Simpleman, since you AND your ex have a child who's 22...then more than likely that YOUR ex is approaching 50 herself...and therefore has a CLUE...right???!!!

When "older women" listen to these 30 some year old mothers today.....well, at least the women that I'm associated with....we're disgusted by the selfishness....and the "entitlement princess" syndrome that so many of them seem to be suffering from. When I hear a mother talk about HER own children.....as a "job"....something she should be "paid" for doing.....I think....there is a woman who doesn't DESERVE to have a child. It's almost as if....many of them had a child NOT because they felt that THEY had a great deal to OFFER the child...but that the child would serve to SECURE THEM....many entitlements throughout a lifetime.

"Older women"....who granted, DO appreciate and respect the fact that Dads HAVE become much more "hands on" and involved with their children, BUT.....WE grew up in an era where....Father's were NOT present in the delivery room, they did NOT change diapers, they DIDN'T get up for 2AM feedings, and you NEVER....EVER saw one in the waiting room at the Pediatricians office.

What we (older women) see TODAY ....IS, young mothers who, treat their children like jobs, who act like cleaning a house and cooking dinner is comparable to slave labor....AND...after their husbands get home from WORKING all day....they DEMAND that those Fathers "babysit...THEIR children.....while "Mom" goes out all evening with their girlfriends.....because "she's had a hard day TOO".


I think a man seeking a mate for the purpose of raising His kids is very shallow and selfish, I for one do not need anyone that badly.
Well, honestly....I don't think that the MEN are really looking for a mate for the purpose of raising their kids. I'm more than willing to accept their statements that no, they're looking for companionship for themselves....BUT (don't you just hate those BUTS)....most of them come with these ex wives who think that the world OWES them everything....because THEY have the title of "Mom".

A few women (older ones) have spoken here about their own experiences with such men; and I'm no different LOL!! I dated one for almost 8 years. EVERY time that we'd have something planned...."she" would invent a "crisis". And it was very difficult to ignore those self made "crises" knowing that if you did.....she would make the child suffer for it.
We can hardly blame a Father for knuckling under to pressures like that, BUT (there's that word again)....those ex wives actually end up not only controlling their ex husbands with their selfish and childish behavior and demands...but OURS as well. 2 examples: My (then) boyfriend was supposed to pick me up at the hospital after I'd had back surgery.....but his daughters mother (and yes, she was very aware of his plans that morning) had a "crisis".....HER mother had a hair appointment and couldn't take his daughter to swimming lessons!!! 2) My Father (age 76) was hospitalized after a heart attack (450 miles away) and my (then) boyfriend INSISTED that he was going to drive me....BUT when he told his (9 yr old) daughter that he was going to be out of town for a couple of days.....the girls Mother said she had expected him to babysit on Saturday because she had a date. The problems ARE...that IF the Father's do not comply with every demand....then they're threatened with the loss of visitation...and knowing that these so called "Mom's" will tell those children that their Father's don't love them. Now...I drove MYSELF the 900 mile round trip....which was very difficult for me do (due to the back surgery)....BUT, the ex boyfriend and I FOUGHT about that...for MONTHS! He insisted that I had been "selfish"....by not postponing my trip for 2 weeks until he COULD drive me. LOL! but....#1...I didn't know if my Father was going to live through the weekend...and #2....his ex girlfriend (the child's mother) would have come up with some other "crisis" in 2 more weeks anyhow.

I can tell you...that in the 4 years that my grandchildren have been with me....LOL! it's EXHAUSTING just keeping up with the laundry....and where I used to grab myself a sandwich and a bowl of soup for dinner....now, I'm again...cooking balanced meals at the same time EVERY DAY...and earnestly trying to disguise healthy fresh fruits as "dessert"; I'm coming up with costumes for "Wax Museum" day, and even learning "new math"!!! LOL! I smell of chlorine right now...because I just came from swimming at the "Y".....and I KNOW there's toothpaste all over the bathroom mirror that I need to go clean! The POINT IS....that school teachers, pediatricians....heck, even the Amishman that I bought my shed from commented on how well behaved my grandson is (when I told him to STOP...he actually STOPPED).....but this is NOT something that you'll ever hear a 25-35 yr old Mom SAY....to a 50+ yr old Mother. No, because it's ALL about THEM. Everything has to center around them, their needs, their views, their issues, their problems.

I don't know....I'm sure it has a LOT to do with us simply being older. I tend to mostly date younger men....because they're more tolerant of a woman who has (or has had) a career...and not nearly so freaked out if a woman has better financial resources than they do. But the younger women???? OMG!!!! They are SO JEALOUS of older women who still attract younger men....so I can only imagine the blow it must be to their egos if their older ex husbands get together with an older woman.

In summary; I believe that the 55+ yr old man who has small children is hindered NOT so much by the children...but by the ex wife that comes along with them. I don't think there's a single 50+ woman here who would not...if it became necessary, take over and raise either hers or HIS grandchild...or his children...but that task in itself is a tremendous responsibility at our ages....and when you throw in the STRESS of having to deal with an ex wife on a DAILY basis it makes the whole prospect just too difficult to consider. Again, those who insist that it's NOT a "daily basis" are really showing their lack of commitment to their partner because Father's are NOT "part time", and as his partner, YOU would therefore not be "part time". The whole scenario of "giving it a chance" is flawed. There's an emotional investment made on the part of the Father, the woman, AND...the children even in the effort to SEE if it could possibly work. For someone to enter into that kind of relationship knowing that the odds against it working out seems rather "desperate" to me. I suppose that if the older woman KNEW the Father and his ex on a friendly basis BEFORE considering a relationship, and she was able to make a relatively "informed" decision before proceeding to becoming attached to the children (and they to her)...that might be a different ballgame?


Yea, being this age with young children is different...and it reduces the numbers of fish that might be interested in the bait...but, hey...I wouldn't be interested in them...so the feelings mutual.
Your case is quite different as I understand it. As a widower, while your children will probably be reluctant to accept another "Mom" out of the "fear" that it would be a betrayal to their real Mother; at least they won't be involved in a tug of war. (and all the trauma that goes along with it) But yes, it is difficult; but even still.....more than worth whatever sacrifices we have to make to insure that these children grow up secure and loved. As for reducing the number of fish in our particular ponds.....LOL! I just switched to a different pond. There are plenty of fish out there who for reasons of their own are also not looking for a "living arrangement" in the near future.
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