Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > "my kids don't need a father, they already have one"      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 rustic36
Joined: 12/31/2008
Msg: 36
my kids don't need a father, they already have onePage 6 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

I called it an assumption because your statement about what that "line" is a "cover" for was defnitive and unqualified.

You must have missed the "and so on" meaning there are many more meanings of the statement. Unqualified? How can you "assume" that? You don't know what my qualifications are, you don't know my experiences and those of people I speak to and observe.

I stand by my comment that.. Yes, if that statement is in their profile then it does mean some or all or the "and so on"..


You appear to imply that the notion of making a statement around a bio father's role in their child's life extrapolates out to her not allowing her new partner to have an appropriate role in his family or in the lives of her child/ren if a relationship were to come of dating her.

Yep, sure do.. Especially if it is worded exactly like that "my kids don't need a father, they already have one".. If you can not see the underlying attitude, then, you are blind or naive.
There are other ways of saying the same thing without the attitude.. Like maybe.. My children's father plays and active and positive role in their lives. My children have a father who is involved and active in their lives..My children have a great father in their lives but, a positive male around them on a daily basis would be to their benefit..

The comment "they don't need a father, they already have one" suggests a division from the get go. Whether you like it or not, that is how many "men" read that comment. If you don't want to accept that, then, that's your choice. Yet again, it's the same old thing.. The opposite sex explains how they interpret or feel about something and the other sex says they are wrong.. Common problem which often leads to break-ups.

It's the way it is expressed.. There are many other ways that express the same thing but without the negativity attached..

Like I said, I've been there, I've witnessed it with others and I have knowledge of things like this from my education.. But hey, what would I know.. I'm "unqualified" in your opinion.. That's funny.. I like that.. Yet again, you go on about assumptions yet, you make plenty of your own.. Do not assume what you don't know..

If I marry a women then, she becomes apart of the family (my daughter and me).. If she wasn't willing to play an active role then, I would not be interested in her.. Yes, my daughter has a mother but, she is not here all the time. My new wife would not be my daughters mother and nor would she replace her but, she would be a positive influence in my daughter life and I would expect her to correct my daughter if she was out of line.. When I am at my friends house, if my daughter is out of line and I am not in the same room, I'm quite ok for my friends wife or my mates to tell her off.. I only associate with people I trust and pretty much all of them have kids and we all hold the same values. So, I trust my daughter is safe in their care.
 rustic36
Joined: 12/31/2008
Msg: 37
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 12/17/2009 2:23:43 AM
Pointless.. I can see your the type to go on and on and on..
So, I'll leave it at that..
By the way, I don't need a chill pill, I'm not worked up.. I'm one to smile at people like you and thank God that I can close the page..
After all, it's quite understandable that you would "defend" the statement because as you said, you have it in your profile..

Why don't you start a thread that says..
What do men think when they read this in a profile "my kids don't need a father, they already have one".
 rustic36
Joined: 12/31/2008
Msg: 38
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 12/17/2009 2:37:50 AM
Not one that specifically asks men what they think about it..
I've done a search and there are similar ones to this and ones asking women why on earth they would put that in their profile..
So, your not as funny as you think you are.. But then again, some people like to think they are legends in their own mind ;)
 rustic36
Joined: 12/31/2008
Msg: 39
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 12/17/2009 3:02:48 AM
Alright.. I think its time to call it truths...lol.. I can't go to sleep on a disagreement..
But, a specific question like I suggested would get different men posting replies etc.. This thread isn't specifically targeted at the question "what do men think of that comment"..
 rustic36
Joined: 12/31/2008
Msg: 40
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 12/18/2009 4:27:05 PM

They must have joint custody then because most dads who get screwed by the every other weekend deal split.

Have to disagree with that comment. I think it's more like "some split"..

As hard as it is for these fathers (every other weekend), they still have a valuable input into their kids life. The ones that don't have much input into their kids lives are the ones with attitude like you presented above. If you put the time in and make the time you have a quality experience for the kids, then, you will have impact.

Not sure about where you live but, in Australia, the CSA encourages 50/50 share of the children. This is to ensure (well try) that the kids get the best from both worlds under the circumstances. I'm pretty sure that many other countries are adopting this approach.

When you say that men choose not to see their kids because they don't want to be a baby sitter for their ex, your really saying.. Some men who are bitter and resentful toward their ex's will punish their kids by refusing to have them stay over or visit. These men/women need to get over that and enjoy what time they do have with their kids and as time goes by, work toward more time or a 50/50 share arrangement. Being negative and revengeful doesn't help anyone, especially not the kids.

It sounds like you have had a bad experience, but, you can not project that onto "every" or "most" men and women. It's a shame you think that way because your kids are missing out...
 rustic36
Joined: 12/31/2008
Msg: 41
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 12/19/2009 5:08:49 AM

Its true that most ncp's who get every other weekend bail out and rarely see thier kids.

If your going to continually claim that "most" ncp's do this, then, also quote some evidence to back up your claim. I think you will find, if you do your research properly through reliable and valid sources, your "most" will dwindle to "some"...


Ncp's frequently bail out on visitation, when they only see thier kid 4 days a month to them its not worth it to deal with their nasty ex and the power and control they have over them by using the children as pawns.

If they truly love their kids, any parent would walk through hell if it meant being able to see their kids.



As time goes by work towards a 50-50 arrangement"

if that was the case the other parent would have offered it from the start not been a control freak and dangle the children in front of the ncp like a carrot on a stick and said ok do what I want and maybe i'll consider letting you spend more time with your children someday. If they had any intention of letting thier ex have joint custody they would have offered it from the start and not humilated them and made them suffer.

You are making all these claims but, you have never been in these situations because as you pointed out.. You don't have kids.. There are many cases that start out with minimal visitation because both parents are still at war with each other. There is still open wounds, resentment, anger, revengeful attitudes etc. After time, these attitudes and behaviour cool down and the parents begin to act civil toward each other. Then they renegotiate a new deal and more access is allowed.. So your idea there is a little flawed.

Maybe you should put it something like.. "most dead-beat parents bail out and don't bother" "most parents who love their children will do what they have to in order to spend time with their kids."

You are making some wild assumptions without providing any evidence to back them up. The men/women you are talking about who bail out of their parenting because they only get a weekend a fortnight would probably do the same thing even if they had more time. Like I said, parents who love their kids will do anything to see them, even if it means jumping through hoops..

But, I do agree that "some" men get dragged through the ringer, belittled, slandered, dragged through court, become financially strapped etc and eventually get to a point where they simply feel helpless because all the odds seem stacked againts them, so, they put their flag up and give in. They don't want to abandon their kids but, they get to a point where they are depressed, broke, and basically emotionally and physically worn out and make the hardest decision they could ever make and choose not to see their kids so they can avoid the ex all together..
 daydreamin_honey
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 42
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 12/23/2009 7:36:18 PM

my kids don't need a father, they already have one
what they need is a role model
can't anyone be honest and include this?!!


Actually, that's exactly what my profile says and has said from the begining.
 Ta2mama
Joined: 6/18/2008
Msg: 43
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 12/25/2009 6:34:43 AM
um, ur efin retarded if your simple mind really and truely believes what you just typed. My children have the best relationship with their DADDY! and no, they don't need another one...because the one they have is an awesome DADDY. It takes time and trust to let another man discipline you kids. I'm not saying it won't happen, but it does take time. a man can't just rush into telling your babies what to do or not to do. get over it!
 Ta2mama
Joined: 6/18/2008
Msg: 44
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 12/25/2009 6:39:18 AM
AMEN!!!!

never assume, it only makes and ass out of YOU and me. and that seems to be all you "men" are doing, is assuming. have you ever been a single parent? did you really and truely want another woman stepping in and trying to take your kids mothers place? NO! unless the other parent is just completely out of the picture, there is no need for it.

 LookingAgain...
Joined: 9/22/2005
Msg: 45
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 12/26/2009 8:19:50 AM
OMG!!! Talk about drama!!! I think I would like to add my two cents to the topic here... I have 2 children, by 2 different men so my situation covers a bit of both sides. My daughter's father, (sperm donor, whatever you want to call him), and myself were together for 2 1/2 years, engaged and I was 8 months pregnant when he decided he wanted to sleep with other people. Needless to say, I was smart and got out of that situation before it got any worse. He has since remarried, 6 months after we broke up, and my daughter is now 13 years old. He hasnt seen her in at least a year, only does see her when I take her to HIS mothers house for holidays and he only calls and fills her head with BS about him taking her on vacations and letting her visit him and then he NEVER shows up. He has fought paying any kind of child support and only pays $35.30 a week which was garnished because of his failure to pay for over 10 years.

My sons father and I were together for over 2 years as well and because he refused to get any help for anger management or drug abuse or any kind of counseling, we split up as well. My son is now 8 years old and he does see his father almost every weekend, except when he has plans, but he does not pay child support. (he has started to go to meetings for the abuse)

In my eyes, I do not persue the child support for my son because his dad at least attempts to make some time to spend with his son. He has, at times, bought some clothes for school or tried to help with uniform fees for his sports. He has showed up to support our son at his games sometimes too. My daughter's father has never been to any of her practices, games, school preformances, or birthday parties. He has basically "written her off" because he now has a new family. I guess some of you will look at that as my being a b@*h and just trying to make him pay, but that isnt the case. I want him to realize there is someone that he helped bring into this world and you cant just give up on them and say I dont feel like being responsible anymore. It isnt about the money because Lord knows I have been taking care of them for the most part solely by myself since birth and, if you have children, you know $35 doesnt go all that far with them. I want them to spend time with their children because they will effect their lives and who they are as a person and how they interact with others in adult relationships.

I am NOT looking for a man to support me and my kids for the rest of our lives. I am NOT looking for a man to be my kids' father. I have my own job, house and I pay all my own bills. I never was the "stay at home" mom. I would go absolutely nuts if I never had to work for anything. I AM looking for a man that loves children and can accept a single mother that does have full custody of her 2 children and can be a male "rolemodel" for my son and some kind of male figure for my daughter to appreciate so she knows, going into adulthood, that not all men are like her father was. Would he be accepted as a "father" to them?? Who knows?? They know who their fathers are biologically but it wouldnt hurt to have a father figure around full time for them and someone to make mommy happy as well. It all depends on the relationship, how things work out, and what everyone is comfortable with.
 Booface1101
Joined: 6/14/2009
Msg: 46
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 12/29/2009 7:39:05 PM
i will admit this did anger me quite a bit.... i myself and a single mom with 2 children at 21 who screwed up royally, got mixed up with a bad relationship and am now making the best of it.... i will say with confidence that my children do not need a father even though they do not have one.... it would be nice for them to have a male role model in their live... someone to teach them baseball etc.... but i think i am doing a pretty good job on my own.... my children will grow up to be strong and independent with bright futures just as i am making for myself.....i also do not want a man to support me as that would feel extremely degrading after working so hard for myself.... yes extra money for nice things is better but that should never be the main reason for a woman to get into a relationship no matter how many kids she has.... hwoever i do see how a man would get offended by that statement... if a man and woman are to be in a relationship long term and there are children involved, that man should be able and be willing to take on the step-parent role for the children whether they have an active father figure in their lives or not....the "husband shopping" thing is particularyly offensive... that statement makes me feel like you stereotype single moms into being desperate and that men are in high demand and short supply.... well let me tell you something.... i would rather be with a woman with 10 kids and not alot of money than with a man with those opinions.....no i have never been married because i am picky about the relationships i get into because of the past and i am protective of my children but that does not make me inexperienced..... if being married twice makes you experienced then maybe you should think twice about what went wrong in those situations and learn from them, only then you can call yourself truly experienced.... im sorry that you probably had to pay childsupport and lost your house and what not from the end of that little rant but not all women are like that so stereotyping is not the best idea
 LookingAgain...
Joined: 9/22/2005
Msg: 47
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 1/2/2010 7:35:07 AM
Good job @ boredmama... exactly what I was trying to get at...
 My I
Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 48
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 1/2/2010 11:35:01 PM

I remember when I was starting to date my current gf, she said specifically "i am not looking for a baby's daddy or anything". Fast forward 6 months later and she starts to ask me to help change the diaper, put her to bed, buy food, and other fatherly duties. I am not bothered to do these things, but now she starts expecting them without question. Yet, when it comes to discipline she quickly reminds me that I am not needed in that role.

The other aspect is that since her baby's daddy is the typical deadbeat convict who does not see his child, she considers her grandpa as a satisfactory father figure. Now mind you, her grandpa heavily spoils the child, which is every grandpa's right. However, I am thinking in the future. How is this kid going to grow up spoiled? Coupled with her mother giving praise for every single thing she does, the little girl is going to think she is God's only gift to the earth. Yeah, i know people raised like that and they are painful people to be around with.

Of course I try my hand at discipline, however only in my house, as they are my rules. the kid has free reign at her mom's house (who lives with grandpa) and does whatever she wants. Thats her house so i have no say, but when the kid starts to bite holes in my chairs, i have to lay down the law. Of course I am the bad guy because I enforce my rules and discipline. Then the mom conviently informs me that i am not entitled to be a father figure and discplinarian, and should not have scolded her.

So i gues the moral of the story is that you will be a "father" figure when it benefits her. otherwise, expect the kid to pretty much run your house, her house, and frankly the relationship


^^^^^Boyfriends don't discipline... husbands/common law husbands discipline. You're crossing the line. It seems the mother isn't a very mature person.... good luck with that.
 rustic36
Joined: 12/31/2008
Msg: 49
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 1/3/2010 5:41:12 AM
silentdragon,
Like Itsallinthesoul said, talk to your GF and see what she has to say..
Nothing worse than living in a house where you get undermined, especially when it's your own property. I've been there and it doesn't get better, it gets worse.

It's impossible to live as a family if your not allowed to contribute to discipline. If the child needs a time out, then, you should be able to give them one. If the mother disagree's with your time out, she shouldn't pull you up in front of the kid..

Doesn't sound like a fair relationship your in.. One can only wonder why you stay?
 NappyKAT
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 50
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 1/4/2010 4:48:30 AM
Few things
- unless a woman has actually gone to the sperm bank and got some anonymous sperm to father her baby, she should probably never say 'sperm donor.' Bad father or not, you actually did make a conscious decision to have good ol' fashion sex with full blood male - he donated some sperm, you an egg, and you had a baby. He's biological father, not 'sperm donor.'

2nd - 'My kids don't need a father, they already have one.' I get the sentiment, but wouldn't it be more wise and accurate to say 'My children already have a (loving) father that they get along well with, but it is an open role that you too can gladly step into.' Why can't child have more than one loving parent and parental figure in their life? Why does a bio father have to step back and allow for a stepparent to take over? With some diligence and discussion, why can't coparenting include more than 2 parents?

What's interesting, is that I never see or heard the line from men 'My kids don't need a mother, they already have one.' Seems to me that men are more than willing to let the right woman come along and take a load off of their hands with the single parenting and allow her to raise his kids. What's so hard when it comes to the opposite?

Are we talking about things like one believes in corporal punishment and the other doesnt? Or something else entirely?
 big pacific
Joined: 7/2/2009
Msg: 51
view profile
History
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 1/5/2010 7:50:40 AM
Nappykat: I really think the difference in why men never put "my kid already has a mother" in their profile is that realistically they don't have the same stigma attached that single moms do. Even in my day to day life, the single moms i meet always feel they have to justify why they are single moms, single dads? Not so much, in fact it usually is looked on favorably with the people I know. Again just personal experience, no facts to back it up.


There may already be a very good responsible parent in the picture, even if the marriage/relationship didn't work out. My sons are blessed with a wonderful father. He is a very active part of their life. A step or bonus parent relationship is going to depend on the individual family dynamics. You cannot force or push this type of relationship.


Sure there might, but the idea that you aren't going to expect your LTR to fulfill some of the father figure role is either naive or misleading. Fact is, despite them having an active father, your beau WILL have to pick up some parenting slack if the relationship progresses.


Why does divorce only punish the man? Women seem to walk away with much better lives and more asset


While many men are punished, statistically this doesn't bear out in terms of finance. Women are 3 times as likely to be in poverty after a divorce than men. I know of a bunch of women that made out, but remember, theres more to this country than the urban sprawl of suburbia.

Again, I think my biggest issue is that it's false advertising. Realistically men that are going to date single mom's understand that if it progresses to any level, they ARE going to be a father figure, it just happens. Saying "he already has a father" strikes me as a cry to increase the size of a dating pool. It screams "my baby doesn't make me damaged goods, i swear i'm not needy!", at least to me. Saying this to increase dating pool doesn't even make sesnse, because the people who's fears you are trying to allay aren't going to have a great shot at being LTR material for you as a single mom.
 mcalgary
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 52
view profile
History
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 1/5/2010 11:09:14 PM
I think that some of these woman's children might actually have a "Great Dad" so there is no need for someone to come in and take that role. Just because parents divorse doesn't mean that both parents cannot be good at it. The relationship between the two adults just didn't work. Any other people coming into a relationship with either of the parents would still be a role model to the kids if the relationship got serious but it is very different than being an actual parent.
 Solar69
Joined: 1/5/2009
Msg: 53
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 1/6/2010 11:53:11 PM
I couldn't read every page... most of the stuff meplus2 posted was just so annoying.. but it kind of ties in, Some people are on this dating site because they come off as being a ****.... So i'm sure the women who post that they "dont need a man" are just ****es with bad attitudes and there's a reason they are single moms......... let them stay single moms there are plenty of good natured single moms out there..


And i've seen people who the father isn't in the childs life post that..... If a man dont want you and your kid keep looking, dont settle for less.
Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > "my kids don't need a father, they already have one"