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 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 8
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Fustrated with online datingPage 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
OP.......Hope for the best, expect the worse, and take what you get!!!!

Life feeds you many things, and it is up to you how you decide to "cook" it, and if you want a great dinner, you better know how to cook, or find someone that IS a good cook and is willing to share that with you........Think about it!!!......

Just my opinion.........
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 9
Fustrated with online dating
Posted: 8/13/2009 9:41:18 PM
Why would you think that online dating would be easier than real life? You are the same person, whether online or off, and you will attract the same type of man that you normally do. The big difference with online dating is that you have the opportunity to meet so many more people than in TRW. You can see profiles of people you'd never have the chance to meet normally and one of those people may be the one you've been looking for.

I've been lucky enough to meet some wonderful men on this site and I've fallen for a charming Aussie. We would never have met if not for POF. To be able to find such a fantastic person halfway around the world is only possible due to online dating sites.

Don't give up. If it's worth having, it's worth waiting for. Keep contacting men who interest you. Keep busy going out with friends and participating in lots of activities. You never know when the right person will walk into your life. Online dating is just one venue to meet people. Not everyone is going to be successful. And you may want to meet some of these men who you don't find attractive. Oftentimes, you can be pleasantly surprised when you meet them in real life. Not everyone is photogenic or has a scintillating profile. Take a chance. What have you got to lose?
 EgyptianLotus
Joined: 3/18/2009
Msg: 11
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Fustrated with online dating
Posted: 8/13/2009 10:10:11 PM
I'm with you there. Sometimes they put me in their favorite list but never said a word. Someone said it means they are trying to tell me they like me & see if it sparked an interest. I've met a couple of nice guys but no chemistry. I'm glad they were nice & perfect gentlemen. I'm keeping in touch with one from Hawaii, he's 9 yrs older than me but he seems like a nice gentleman. We'll see if we get a chance to meet. Then there are guys who would email back and forth for a while and then disappear. Then there's this one I really like since May & is in OC and we finally met face to face in June but he admitted to being a commitment phobic. And I think I like him more than he likes me so there goes that. So I guess we just got to hang on a little longer. I figure in October when I reach 6 months being here in POF and if I still haven't anyone by then I guess online dating is not for me. In the meantime, just because no one's asking me out from POF doesn't mean I don't go out. I go places with friends & relatives. I attend drum circles, dances etc. And if it can happen to someone, it can happen to us. Good luck to both of us!
 Puertorique
Joined: 7/26/2009
Msg: 12
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Fustrated with online dating
Posted: 8/13/2009 10:48:28 PM
Well to be fair the frustration can go both ways. I haven't been on this site long, and I haven't been really "fishing" I guess, but it's what happens in dating.

For example after seeing your profile I would send you a msg, however for all I know I may be the guy that you don't write back to. If that's the case I have to accept it and move on and keep on going. That's it.

Now I will say that if a guy lives in Chi town and they are not replying to your msg's I would question them. If you sent me a msg I would reply back, especially if I was in Chicago.
 pleasurelimits
Joined: 2/9/2009
Msg: 13
Fustrated with online dating
Posted: 8/14/2009 12:21:34 AM
Let me profer a thought. If I go back through my own history the only relationships I have had have come from being introduced to someone by a friend and that includes my marraiges. Until I fell in love with someone via this somewhat stupid but useful medium. Now I am open to anything though no longer looking or even sneaking a peak. I just think you have to have the courage to be open and honest and throw yourself out there and remember my favourite saying "if it is meant to be it is UP TO ME"
 readyfornow
Joined: 5/15/2009
Msg: 17
Fustrated with online dating
Posted: 8/14/2009 9:05:58 AM
I think we all feel that way sometimes. Just try looking at it as peaks and valleys. You'll be OK.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 18
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Fustrated with online dating
Posted: 8/14/2009 9:16:35 AM
Hazel.......

There are many of us that might be interested in knowing another better, but become very tired and frustrated with seldom getting responses, or just the read delete, or not read deleted, and you wonder why we shy away from contacting you?

Unfortunately for many of us, the interest is there, but the ego can only handle so much, and that leaves just the aggressive jerks, that are willing to hit on a 100 in or to get one or two to say yes, left........

I am into equality, so therefore I wait as much as I make the effort to contact and be contacted. Since men far outnumber women on this site, and many are very aggressive, it only makes sense to let more women start the interest process in order to lesson all the hits and misses.

There are many times that I just add them to my favorites list because I would like to see if they are willing to contact me, and also to enjoy their comments on the forums, or see how they are doing with POF.

None of this means that I am a creep or stalker, but just more relaxed with dating and how it happens. If I have to be the one, each and every time to make all the moves and connections, the amount of rejections, and negatives from doing that, would far out weigh the positive potentials, in my mind.

It just seems much more logical to allow more women to control the interest side of it, since there are so many fewer of you on here, and most of you are not as aggressive as many men, so when contacted, the results can be significantly more pleasing, even if it is a no go.

I believe that if we all look at our sent messages numbers, and compared them to those that are contacting us, it should be about equal in number, and that is much more of an equal opportunity dating site.

So, do not over react to being added to a list, and if you are interested in some that have added you, go ahead and make contact, and if nothing happens, just delete them from your list, as I do. My ego does not need to be fed by having a large number of favorites on my profile, and if someone is interested in me, they will let me know one way or another, and we can start that process together. That is how I handle it, and if I put you on my favorites list, it is either because I am interested in knowing you better, and would like you to make that happen, or you are a friend that I enjoy on this site.

Think about it......

Just my opinion........
 Rosemary24
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 19
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Frustrated with online dating
Posted: 8/14/2009 9:19:08 AM
In my case, it is not so much physical attraction, as it is what are they like. The gentlemen around here write so very little in their profile. Granted, this is a free site, so they don't bother putting much thought or effort into their ads. But if you thought you even had a ghost of a sliver of an outside chance of meeting someone, wouldn't you attempt to be a little more descriptive. What are your hopes and dreams? Where and what do you like to do during your non-work time? Give me a sense of what your life is like, in general. Yes, I understand it is a numbers game, you must contact any one that you have the slightest bit of interest in. Eventually, you will get a response.
 BBG38
Joined: 5/10/2008
Msg: 21
Fustrated with online dating
Posted: 8/14/2009 2:28:00 PM
I call it "internet man world" where friends is not friends and catch up means lets have sex when i feel like it...forget the dating idea....Not everyone is hoping to just jump into bed at the first sign of chemistry...
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 23
Fustrated with online dating
Posted: 8/14/2009 5:28:42 PM
I could see that happening under normal circumstances in a small town, but in Chicago? NO attractive guys write back or write you? I kind of find that hard to believe... incredibly hard to believe. Junk mail? Sure, but I'd have to bet there would be what most women consider "attractive" writing you.

I think if zero or near-zero attractive guys have written since '06, that would mean that your "standards" of what you consider attractive are way too high. The only other explanation would be that you don't pop up in searches very well... and Chicago is big... but still, you're in a good age range, and although you discard "Hang Out" (a little picky if you're under 'Dating'), you're in a big city and it shouldn't matter much if you're online a lot.

I'd just advise you logging in everyday and checking your mail. You'll pop up easier... other than that, are you sure you're not setting your sights only on mid-20s, 5'11"+, awesome-job, could-do-a-little-modeling kind guys?

Also -- don't be turned off by super-short one-sentence "what's up" emails, especially in a big city. Judge them based on what they write in their profiles, as many decent people take a different approach and think of it more like IMing when it comes to the initial emails not knowing if you'd be into them or not.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 24
Fustrated with online dating
Posted: 8/14/2009 5:37:33 PM

I AM FUSTRATED WITH THIS SITE AND THE SO CALLED MEN ON IT


Aw c'mon now what do you REALLY think?

Strongly suggest you take an extended POF vacation. You're not doing yourself any favors by screaming about the "so called" men here. They say the thing about women....umm like YOU! I won't apologize for saying the truth so take it however you choose to.
 bjblues
Joined: 5/21/2006
Msg: 25
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Fustrated with online dating
Posted: 8/14/2009 5:43:08 PM
Hey ho i hear you sister,Im about to give up. A lot of men on this site just seem to want a quick bonk or two, bullshit about how wonderful you are etc etc, and then conveniently dont phone ormake up more bullshit, and yes you can have the same problem meeting in the conventional way. Its a dilemma.,,,, If men are only after sex, they should go pay for it. """ misers. I think ill just settle for a sugar daddy lol., who will pay me.
 PirateJohn09
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 26
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Fustrated with online dating
Posted: 8/14/2009 11:56:41 PM

The type of guys who actually message me I am not attracted to in the least bit. And the guys that I am attracted to either don't message me or if I am bold and decide to message them, they don't respond back.

So it's okay for you not to be attracted to guys who message you but not okay for them not to be attracted to you?
 Jonathans page
Joined: 8/9/2009
Msg: 28
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Fustrated with online dating
Posted: 8/15/2009 5:29:56 PM
HazelRose

I think chemistry is attraction, but this can be both physical, mental and in terms of personality.

Sexual chemistry is obvious.

When it comes to personalities, we all "get on", or feel comfortable with different types of people. Sometimes you might have a sexual attraction for someone who treats people badly, sometimes we really hit it off with someone we have no phyical/sexual attraction for.

Think the guy was either just getting cold feet, or dubious about how well you would get on outside of the bedroom?

Jonathan
 Vincent_1984
Joined: 11/14/2005
Msg: 29
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Fustrated with online dating
Posted: 8/16/2009 9:40:17 AM
I find this pretty frustrating too. So far, in the span of about 7 months, I have easily read over 1000 profiles(in their entirety); I have messaged 170 women(Which is about one women every one or two days) with very sincere and genuine interest, all of whom were well within my league, with mutual interests, qualities and/or views; and I have not received a single reply, not to even for a chance to prove myself, neither as a friend or as a partner, or just to offer me a simple gesture of courtesy with a "thanks but no thanks". Sure, I have received compliments from women living half-way across the world, and a few from locals, but nothing from anyone with whom I could actually form an relationship with. Yes, I know I'm not perfect but I also know that I have a lot to offer.

I find it increasingly difficult to remain positive through all of this, it is really hard to see this glass as anything but completely empty. If there is only one positive aspect about any of this, it is that, even through all of this rejection and social emasculation, my self-confidence, self-worth and good nature remain intact and this, to me, is a true testament of their resilience and tenacity. I see a lot of bitter, sexist and cynical individuals (both men and women) on this site and the last thing I want is to suffer the same fate.
 Vincent_1984
Joined: 11/14/2005
Msg: 31
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Fustrated with online dating
Posted: 8/16/2009 11:21:49 AM
That's also how I used to use the favorites list, basically just as a way of keeping track of who I wanted to eventually message or, if I was unsure about a profile, would eventually re-review and determine whether or not they were truly someone I wanted to contact. I don't like to message more than one or two people a day, just in the odd case that they might all say reply positively and I would then get stuck juggling women, which really isn't a situation I want to put myself into.

I don't see why someone who I favorited couldn't just go and take the initiative to contact me first though, especially since it's a clear indication that there is some interest. I think the ringing the door bell and running is a very poor analogy, that would be more appropriate for someone sending a message to another and then not responding when they get a reply.

I see the favorite more like this: if you were going shopping and you see three shirts you like but you only need one, you might put all three aside until you make up your mind. The only difference here is that women aren't objects, they can actually choose to be proactive. If anything, it's actually a turn on for me to see women who don't limit their choices to a very oppressive and limiting gender stereotype. I can't stand seeing people this bigoted mentality where men have to be aggressors, hunters or predators and that women have to be victims, targets or preys, it's an insult to both genders. I can understand, even relate to, someone just being shy but not messaging someone you like, who is also interested in you, because of unfounded and irrational expectations and/or entitlement really doesn't impress me much.

Anyway, I kind of stopped using the favorites list except maybe just as way to keep track of the few people that I really like and/or as a quick way to determine the last logon date. I don't want to message anyone who hasn't been active in the last 2 weeks, those are always a waste of time.
 kingwoman
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 32
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Fustrated with online dating
Posted: 8/16/2009 1:54:55 PM
Yes I think POF is a total waste of time and energy, the majority of guys do not even have the manners to write back to you one way or the other.....I honestly reply to everyone who contacts me even if it is to say; "Sorry we are not suitable etc".....Or if they do reply, they simply just dissappear and you know you have not said or written anything wrong or offensive.....I think I will just checkout the forums, may be more fun????
 Vincent_1984
Joined: 11/14/2005
Msg: 34
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Fustrated with online dating
Posted: 8/17/2009 9:01:44 AM

It's not you, it's the men. They want no strings attached dating, casual sex, not get to know you. It's most of the men these days. No one can feel anymore, they can't be bothered, they're too busy. God forbid you show any emotion towards anyone else if you feel for them either, it will make them run.
People are becoming more and more unfeeling and uncaring. I kn ow, I've observed this behaviour over 10 years since dating. Where did romance go? Where did feelings go? With technology, they are going going gone just about.

Ok, this is just pure misandry, there are plenty of men who want more than sex and that want to get to know and understand women; I am one of those men. I care about the women I contact but that also doesn't mean that I am looking for a purely platonic relationship; I am looking for someone that engages me physically and psychologically(intellectually and emotionally). There are also a lot of women who don't care if you are caring or sensitive and it seems as though, unless you sweep them off their feet right away, not a lot of women(although I'm sure a lot of men do this too) are willing to give you a chance to prove your own worth and intentions.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 35
Fustrated with online dating
Posted: 8/17/2009 9:08:09 AM
summerisherenow,

It's not you, it's the men. They want no strings attached dating, casual sex, not get to know you. It's most of the men these days. No one can feel anymore, they can't be bothered, they're too busy.

With that mentality, it's going to be hard as hell for you to mesh well with a guy. It's absolutely BS... Sure, there are "too many" guys like that, but if ALL you find want NSA casual-sex, then you're not looking in the right direction. They either:
(a) Are found in an environment that has a highly NSA/casual mindset
(b) All a little out of your league; but they'll do the whole casual thing

There are plenty of guys who are NOT like that... but for ladies who claim that virtually all men are like that -- they are usually aiming for guys who could do better (in their eyes), and the women get frustrated that the "hunky men" just want one thing. You point to guys who aren't like that, but they say, "Oh... well, I'm not attracted to him..." lol
 coveredinpaint
Joined: 7/13/2009
Msg: 36
Fustrated with online dating
Posted: 8/17/2009 10:21:06 AM
Is it just that women look at your pic and think, "I can't see myself marrying this guy."? Because I have seen so many guys who are just normal looking getting rejected across the board.

I don't see how EVERY single guy that contacts you could be so ugly that you wouldn't even consider hearing him out. Jeez, I mean, you can construct your own profile and put only pics which you think make you look flattering, so if you can't put up a good enough facade just to get women to even consider you, then you've got some problems.
 Norimaro
Joined: 6/13/2009
Msg: 37
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Fustrated with online dating
Posted: 8/18/2009 12:38:36 PM
I've mainly had the issue of misrepresentations. People say honesty is important but then follow up with lies regarding how things went (on a date) or in potential interest (or lack thereof). Honesty is important to me and I will let you know what and how I feel regarding a situation.
 jacob8088
Joined: 9/6/2009
Msg: 38
Fustrated with online dating
Posted: 10/5/2009 12:32:03 AM
Least your getting messages. All Im getting is profile visits from 40 to 50 yr. old overweight women and single mommys with 3 or 4 kids.
 thwipp89
Joined: 3/3/2009
Msg: 39
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Fustrated with online dating
Posted: 10/5/2009 2:34:53 AM
very frustrated.

girl 1- brought 3 of her male friends to bowl with us without telling me beforehand. they all proceeded to get drunk.

girl 2- gave me a laundry list of serious medical ailments on the first date, which was a big turn-off.

girl 3- hit it off right away and had great chemistry and attraction. she eventually broke it off out of the blue. she still had issues with her abusive ex's and just wasn't ready for a relationship. very disappointing. i really liked her a lot.

girl 4- saw each other for a short time, then she ended it because "it was too much about sex". 2 weeks later, she "just wants to be f**k buddies". umm, ok?! she later broke it off again and i found out she was bi-polar.

girl 5- i drove 25 miles in traffic because she didn't have a car. i waited an hour past our agreed upon time and then left when she didn't show. she actually got mad with me because i didn't wait longer and vulgarly insulted me via email.

girl 5- a "few extra pounds" turned out to be at least 5o extra (i'm not kidding). when she walked in, i was like, "no way is that her...", which turned into, "...oh crud, that is her". i couldn't even get my arms around her for a hug. that's what i get for not seeing a body shot.
 ileft
Joined: 4/25/2008
Msg: 40
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Fustrated with online dating
Posted: 10/5/2009 4:49:08 AM
I agree with you it just makes things seem harder especially when people appear to be spoiled for choice!
 itechman63
Joined: 7/7/2005
Msg: 41
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Fustrated with online dating
Posted: 10/5/2009 6:59:18 AM
For some it's feast or famine when it comes to interest and potentials of interest on a site such as this one. It can be frustrating or it could be you BEING frustrating. (the 'you' not being specifically you OP).

Expectations are important... not too high, not too low. In my current 'famine', while logged on I'm mostly utilizing the entertainment value i.e. the forums as something to do for a diversion from the daily grind. When my attitude reverts back to a serious interest in dating, then we'll see how it is.
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