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 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 48
Why are girls so fickle on here?!Page 2 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

the theory is...a human being always hopes the next fork has an edge to it.

That theory doesn't work if any human has been around enough forks to know they're not made that way.

that's why slot machines get so much action. No matter how cynical you feel, you pull it one last time...just in case.

This theory involves investing money to get a windfall. It can be said that all the money you don't gamble to win is money you still have.

ever meet someone who quotes, "well, you can't win if you don't play" or "you miss 100 of the shots you don't take"?

If you have a room full of people you don't want you WILL miss all 100 (or as the theory goes, 100%) of them. While it's more likely you will meet one guy you like if the number is higher...it's not that much more likely, unless of course you're the type that's going to try and make do with what you have which tends to waste the time of the people you're making do with.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 49
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 9/26/2014 8:43:12 AM

If I am single and open to (not hunting down) a relationship if you put me in a room with a lot of men 100 or 1000 - and none of them are my type I'm still not going to pick one.


What has been my experience is that most women have some idea of the man they want formed by a mix of Disneyesque sentimentalism and the pain of previous experiences. So in the one hand, they still want prince charming, but in the other they don't want the pain they experience when they dated Bill, George, D i ck and Harry. Pain avoidance.

So the woman may look at all the 1000 men and not find a single one interesting because all she did was quickly scan for external indicator that don't reveal anything. More often than not, the man that she finds that completes her, is not the one that fits that list she had, but the one that hits a nerve in her she was not expecting.

Many of the females that I know, ended up with a guy that in a way was more flawed than all the perfect men they turned down before, but their flaws found a sense of unique compatibility.

Anyway, these are my observations, nothing more.
 Iam_RFSF2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 50
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 9/26/2014 8:45:56 AM
I personally like this spoon/fork vs knife analogy. It makes a lot of sense and it makes me feel a little more sensible about my own choices.

I personally dislike the title of this (and so many others) thread is worded.

PEOPLE can be 'fickle'. In O.L.D. and in real life.

I could fill up paragraphs of my own bad experiences; other women have in other threads. That is NOT saying men don't have bad experiences. They clearly do and I am sorry to hear that.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 51
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 9/26/2014 8:53:53 AM

I personally like this spoon/fork vs knife analogy.


And so did Jeffrey Dahmer.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 52
Why are some women so fickle on here?!
Posted: 9/26/2014 9:51:07 AM
ah, but how does one know that everyone on a dating website sucks? by spending the time to check them all out (or just assuming the worst). and there's new ones coming on every day, adding to the proverbial pile. so, someone taught, "hard work pays off" without the caveat, "work hard at digging ditches doesn't pay off when you want to erect an monument", can assume that pickiness on a dating site pays off. The power of positive thinking will carry them to where they want to go. the idea you have control over limitations, b/c the limitations are ones you promote, is a very popular concept. does "being popular" equal, "being realistic"?

there are thousands of people who think differently than we do. Or you could say, they don't think at all, they assume. of course, some assume everyone thinks as they do...which again, isn't the same as thinking :)

just because you don't do something...doesn't mean it doesn't exist in this world of ours.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 53
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Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 9/26/2014 1:38:08 PM

womaninprogress wrote:

I have never understood this line of reasoning. It doesn't matter how many men there are to choose from if either one or none of them is a man we have interest in.

If you need a knife to cut your steak - whether or not you get 1 or 100 forks or spoons brought to you, you still won't get your steak cut any quicker.

Therefore on or offline isn't relevant (unless this is about a woman who will date just to keep from sitting home or being single - do you want that type of woman in your life?) as the ratio isn't a factor in who you're actually interested in. If I am single and open to (not hunting down) a relationship if you put me in a room with a lot of men 100 or 1000 - and none of them are my type I'm still not going to pick one.

JMO


I agree with this. As I see it, so many women, if they don't feel that "all elusive instant chemistry" with the first 2 nano-seconds of looking at a guy's picture online, they pass him over without giving him a chance. As I said, even a hair out of place is an instant death sentence online.
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 54
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Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 9/26/2014 3:20:43 PM
^^^. Woman in progress

So true. Perhaps that's a major difference between many men and women. Not all, but many.

We don't want 'a guy' but 'the guy'. Doesn't matter how many males were calling me up or hovering around me at work. I don't want to go on a date with someone I don't have chemistry with...no fun deflecting his hand away from my boob or anticipating having to turn him down for another date.

I have no desire to tread water with one guy while waiting for 'the one'. In contrast, some males seem content to date a pretty woman or to hope for sex even if they know a relationship isn't going anywhere.

^^^Signung. ..no a hair out of place is irrelevant to 99.999 % of women. Wouldn't matter an iota to me. What would matter is If a man thought so little of women that he he would actually think that this trivial variable governs a woman's attraction. Hint...we do have a brain.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 55
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 9/26/2014 5:49:05 PM

And so did Jeffrey Dahmer.

Dahmer never had trouble looking for a knife, I am sure. I think he also liked to eat with his fingers.

I agree with this. As I see it, so many women, if they don't feel that "all elusive instant chemistry" with the first 2 nano-seconds of looking at a guy's picture online, they pass him over without giving him a chance. As I said, even a hair out of place is an instant death sentence online.

That's a overly dramatic description. Truth is both men and women like to be attracted to the person they are considering as a potential date. So while a woman isn't looking for or even able to determine chemistry in a picture of the guy in a profile, she does know in general what she does and doesn't want to know more about, and she will likely consider the first 5-10 minutes (I'm being generous) and her attraction for the guy in person.

No one gets passed up or rejected so much as they are categorized as not a match for certain people. Who wants to date someone who's not interested in them? Men complain that women don't give men a chance. They also complain that women string men along when they aren't interested. Which is it? How soon can a woman stop corresponding when she knows she's not interested without being accused of making a snap judgement - and if you want women to give you a chance....how long do they do that before they're accused of leading you on?
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 56
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 9/26/2014 9:04:38 PM
I'm not suggesting people should go out on dates for the sake of it. But unless there are clear dealbreakers, I wouldn't automatically dismiss a woman just because she doesn't exactly match a list of requirements or because there isn't instant chemistry on the first date / meeting. There is some middle ground.

BTW I don't think chemistry and physical attraction mean the same thing. I can find a woman to be physically attractive and not have instant chemistry with her because we are virtual strangers. Or at least one person is a little bit shy, nervous, or guarded at first.
 gingham7
Joined: 7/26/2014
Msg: 57
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 9/27/2014 7:02:47 AM
I'm not suggesting people should go out on dates for the sake of it. But unless there are clear dealbreakers, I wouldn't automatically dismiss a woman just because she doesn't exactly match a list of requirements or because there isn't instant chemistry on the first date / meeting. There is some middle ground.


I agree. I probably wouldn't have dated some of my previous boyfriends if I had to make a decision about them based on whether there was instant chemistry during a quick coffee date. I had relationships when the chemistry or sparks came a little bit later.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 58
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 9/27/2014 7:12:59 AM

BTW I don't think chemistry and physical attraction mean the same thing. I can find a woman to be physically attractive and not have instant chemistry with her because we are virtual strangers. Or at least one person is a little bit shy, nervous, or guarded at first.

I think that most people confuse the two and are looking for instant attraction - which they should be looking for if they have any intention of ever kissing, sleeping with, etc the person they end up involved with.

Of course no chemistry can be determined in 10 minutes...when someone actually refers to it correctly.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 59
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 9/27/2014 10:27:34 AM

I think that most people confuse the two and are looking for instant attraction - which they should be looking for if they have any intention of ever kissing, sleeping with, etc the person they end up involved with.


That's probably true for some people. But I have heard other people ( on POF and elsewhere ) say things like "he or she was a good match on paper. Smart, good looking, polite etc. But there was no spark or chemistry." on the first date / meeting. Thus they lose interest.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 60
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 9/27/2014 11:15:03 AM
I'm very fickle. I've cut off many guys without an explanation in the early stages where we would just talk online. Weeks ago, I was talking to two attractive guys on OKC. One was in his early 50s, one my age, and I figured they were interested in something permanent and solid. Once we got to the point where they asked for my number, they both revealed their true colors - they were not looking for anything permanent, they were just out sampling the goods and one guy bragged about how many other dates he already had that week. Instant turn off, I stopped talking to him. The other guy was an eternal bachelor, and now in his early 50s was looking to see if a woman could keep him faithful, with all the other eye candy out there "winkwink". Ugh, good Lord, it's not going to be me, buster. So I cut him off too. I didn't even bother giving them an explanation, because they don't deserve one. I've also stopped talking/texting guys when they said something that was just a major turn off or when they started to send me certain pics. As soon as I sense that they are looking to score, that's the end.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 61
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 9/27/2014 12:44:41 PM

That's probably true for some people. But I have heard other people ( on POF and elsewhere ) say things like "he or she was a good match on paper. Smart, good looking, polite etc. But there was no spark or chemistry." on the first date / meeting. Thus they lose interest.

I always took this to mean "we had a lot of the same interests and goals in conversation but I had no desire to see them naked in person"
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 62
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 9/27/2014 12:54:57 PM
^^^ all cats look the same in the dark^^^
but I'm a dog person. I like the word fickle tho.. I do think we all make too hasty judgements
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 63
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 9/27/2014 3:07:41 PM

I always took this to mean "we had a lot of the same interests and goals in conversation but I had no desire to see them naked in person"


Fair enough. Reasonable minds can have different interpretations about the meaning of this.
 gingham7
Joined: 7/26/2014
Msg: 64
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 9/28/2014 10:10:35 AM
I think what south city is saying is true for at least some people. The following quotes were taking from the "Attraction immediate or delayed. Must sparks fly?" thread.


I have had many one-n-done's with men who were, by most accounts, handsome to outright gorgeous and yet, there was no chemistry whatsoever. The most chemically attracted I have ever been to someone was a man sooooooooo not my "normal type" it was odd. It goes much deeper than the outer shell they walk around in for me.



There are a lot of guys I've gone on first dates with that I was attracted to, but I had no chemistry with them. Meaning besides looking good, they did nothing for me. Chemistry is when you click with someone that you are also attracted to. I need both, but chemistry probably more than good looks.


These women made it clear that they didn't have chemistry. Despite the man being physically attractive. Personally I think chemistry is important in a relationship. However lack of chemistry on the 1st date isn't necessarily a dealbreaker for me. I had relationships when the chemistry or sparks came a little bit later.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 65
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Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 9/29/2014 4:00:57 PM

gingham7 wrote:

These women made it clear that they didn't have chemistry. Despite the man being physically attractive. Personally I think chemistry is important in a relationship. However lack of chemistry on the 1st date isn't necessarily a dealbreaker for me. I had relationships when the chemistry or sparks came a little bit later.


FINALLY, someone mature enough to know and understand that chemistry is rarely INSTANT. Personally, I've NEVER felt "instant chemistry". For me, chemistry has always taken time to build up.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 66
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/2/2014 12:10:31 PM
Why are girls so fickle on here?!


Because, for many, not all, it is in their nature to do things based on a whim or fancy, rather than logic or common sense.
This is in addition to the usual influences people (men and women) are subject to when they make their decisions, such as fears, phobias, preconceived notions, prejudices, assumptions, jumping to conclusions, etc.
Which is why you see so many stories of women becoming involved with men who are controlling, abusive, egotistical, have addictions, are players or liars, etc.
 Iam_RFSF2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 67
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/2/2014 12:27:24 PM
Sometimes it feels like women simply can do no right...

If we determine that someone does not appeal to us initially - we are overly picky, unrealistic, not giving someone a chance.

If we take a chance and allow some time to get to know someone and then find them unappealing (and sometimes they are unappealing due to allowing their controlling and egotistical side to become visible) we are being fickle.

The majority of men I know are good people. I haven't had a ton of experience with addicts, players, liars. I have had some experience with men who thought that their priorities should be THE priorities in the relationship. This is not always readily apparent as many people try to put on a good face for awhile. When I realize this is the case, I have left relationships -- not because the guy is terrible, but because he's not the right guy for me.

I continue to be surprised as to why on the forums for a dating site, so many people seem to abhor the other gender. This just seems like an odd choice to hang out if you really have so little respect for any/all potential dates...
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 68
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Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/2/2014 2:24:17 PM
@ Iam....
WELL said!!!!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 69
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/2/2014 6:00:51 PM

Sometimes it feels like women simply can do no right...

If we determine that someone does not appeal to us initially - we are overly picky, unrealistic, not giving someone a chance.

If we take a chance and allow some time to get to know someone and then find them unappealing (and sometimes they are unappealing due to allowing their controlling and egotistical side to become visible) we are being fickle.

This was always what I couldn't understand. Guys have to realize that some of us will decide we're not interested. It doesn't seem to matter how we go about things when we realize this - they're not happy with any of it. The bottom line is they don't want us to ever realize it I think. Unrealistic, but there it is.

If we cut it short right away we're making a snap judgement. If we take some time to be sure we're not missing anything we're either using the guy or leading him on. There's no good way for it to be no, apparently.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 70
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/2/2014 8:21:18 PM
If we take a chance and allow some time to get to know someone and then find them unappealing (and sometimes they are unappealing due to allowing their controlling and egotistical side to become visible) we are being fickle.


Of course there are valid reasons why a woman ( or a man ) will change her/his mind about another person and lose interest. Having said that, there are other instances when a woman suddenly changes her mind due to a vibe or overanalyzing a minor detail. One woman that I dated admitted that she lost interest in some men because of these reasons. Although she clearly doesn't represent all or most women, I think there are other women that have the same mentality that she did.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 71
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Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/3/2014 3:43:30 AM
@ south... Yes,there ARE women who may find superficial reasons to reject a man, as there are MEN who do the EXACT SAME THING!

I swear.it seems like people on here are sometimes just LOOKING for reasons to hate/mistrust the opposite sex...(NOT saying anyone in PARTICULAR)

There are ALSO people that have no conscience and sadists and murderers and liars and thieves and so on and so on...



BUT, I choose to believe for myself, that ISN'T the majority of people....there are still some decent and good PEOPLE in this world,men AND women and that's what I,personally, choose to focus on....
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 72
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/3/2014 4:35:17 AM
You didn't get played, you just weren't good enough for her, for whatever reason. It is speculation after that, had you impressed her things would be different for you.

The only thing that is important in a relationship is:
Mutual attraction,
mutual respect for core values,
providing each other with affection and passion,
a well established/proven sense of trust, love, and appreciation,
and
sensitivity to insecurities or emotional triggers.

Everything else is less important, you don't even need to have hobbies or interests that are very similar. Ones that effect lifestyles of course are different.

Most important of all is mutual attraction. PoF is not an acceptation to that, same rules apply. You have to be better than the 20 messages they have received that day, and the hundreds they've received since starting.
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