Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 98
Why are girls so fickle on here?!Page 4 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

a person knows themselves well enough to know what IS and IS NOT acceptable behaviour to them”


People can know themselves, you are right. People are also inclined to be fooled by themselves. There is also the potential to adjust for any given reason. An example would be that a person might adjust their standards of acceptable behavior, to accommodate a person of special interest.


“My POINT here is...Where exactly am I projecting insecurities and/or pre-judging and or being negative in this particular situation?I'm not saying that he IS actually married/taken although that's what my gut is telling me...I'm probably STILL going to meet him, should he still want to, and I've already asked and gotten an answer, albeit a WEAK one imo, regarding his telephone v texting response...But you see, it all may be moot,for the REALLY telling reason that since I asked him that question about the phone calls...I HAVEN'T HEARD A WORD FROM HIM! lol
You seem like a pretty smart guy there, vector...and I see by your profile that you're also a statistician...So tell me...what are the odds here that I'm right?”


Your first assumption is that he is married/taken. The assumption would then be that you’ve been married and cheated on, or got in a relationship with a guy who was married and lied to you. Even if you haven’t, your first conclusion is that the guy is a cheater.

And that is a bad conclusion to draw, if you start making assumptions about the other person.
I think there could be any number of reasons why he would be opposed to talking on the phone. Namely, and most logical of all, is that he could very well be shy.
It would make more logical sense to assume he doesn’t want to talk to you on the phone because he is scared of making a bad impression.

You think he doesn’t want to talk to you on the phone, because he is married/taken. Which doesn’t make any sense because text messages are much more incriminating, and easier to get ahold of that phone conversations. If he was cheating, it wouldn’t matter if he called or texted you, so how do you draw that conclusion?
The reasons is because this is your insecurity, nothing wrong with it. Just pointing it out.


Again...I'm in my late 40's, it doesn't take me much more than an hour's worth of conversation for me to know whether or not some one is going to be "good" for me or not at this stage of the game...That has NOTHING, again, to do with insecurities or baggage or anything else like that...It has to do with communication style and values, largely...


Right, so you can get to know someone, and within an hour know whether or not someone is going to be good for you?
That is a really interesting statement, as I assume you’ve had some bad breakups and relationships. Nobody can say they can know anyone within an hour, that is absurd.
 Eternityboresme
Joined: 8/20/2014
Msg: 99
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/4/2014 5:24:06 AM
Right, so you can get to know someone, and within an hour know whether or not someone is going to be good for you?


Men do it within seconds of looking at a woman's photo or before that when he pre-selects women who don't have the body type he seeks.

The hour she gives a prospective date is quite charitable, IMHO, and it is enough time in a conversation to know if you don't want to talk to them, anymore; and that's all we need, whether or not you approve.



That is a really interesting statement,


Not as interesting as men complaining women don't give them more a chance when the decision of the woman having something with that man is already pre-determined by his body shape prejudice. Again, this reverts to the antiquated expectation that women shouldn't consider their own needs and desires before considering those of strange men, men full stop. By saying this, I'm not attempting to polarize this discussion -- but merely to state counter examples. What's fair is fair in this discussion.

By the way, nobody owes you a thing.


as I assume you’ve had some bad breakups and relationships.


Do you also claim she is incapable of making her own dating choices? Sheesh, you really are a piece of work, if that is indeed the case.



Nobody can say they can know anyone within an hour, that is absurd.


Men "know" the moment they click body shape preferences, or look at a photo, or pass a profile a woman his age if he. Himself, is middle aged. Just saying.
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 100
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/4/2014 5:36:08 AM

Men do it within seconds of looking at a woman's photo or before that when he pre-selects women who don't have the body type he seeks. The hour she gives a prospective date is quite charitable, IMHO, and it is enough time in a conversation to know if you don't want to talk to them, anymore; and that's all we need, whether or not you approve.


So you're insecure about your figure, and she is insecure about being cheated on. And you think because of this, an hour is a charitable contribution? I don't care how you date, im just giving advice on not letting insecurities cause you to hate the opposite sex (in your case) or be paranoid about the opposite sex (in her case)


Not as interest as men complaining women don't give them more a chance when the decision of the woman having something with that man is already pre-determined by his body shape prejudice."


Again this is your insecurity, I never said anything about a womens body image. The only thing I've said - in the most simple and basic terms is - that you shouldn't let insecurities cloud judgment.


Do you also claim she is incapable of making her own dating choices? Sheesh, you really are a piece of work, if that is indeed the case."


How do you even draw that conclusion? Seriously, explain that one. I bet you can't, because you finished it up with "sheesh, you really are a piece of work, if that is indeed the case" which basically translates to "im making stupid accusations based on nothing, for absolutely no reason"


Men "know" the moment they click body shape preferences, or look at a photo, or pass a profile a woman his age if he. Himself, is middle aged. Just saying. "


You are seriously hung up on this, you think women don't judge men for appearance? Calm down with that garbage.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 101
view profile
History
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/4/2014 5:46:36 AM

Your first assumption is that he is married/taken. The assumption would then be that you’ve been married and cheated on, or got in a relationship with a guy who was married and lied to you. Even if you haven’t, your first conclusion is that the guy is a cheater.

And that is a bad conclusion to draw, if you start making assumptions about the other person.
I think there could be any number of reasons why he would be opposed to talking on the phone. Namely, and most logical of all, is that he could very well be shy.
It would make more logical sense to assume he doesn’t want to talk to you on the phone because he is scared of making a bad impression.

You think he doesn’t want to talk to you on the phone, because he is married/taken. Which doesn’t make any sense because text messages are much more incriminating, and easier to get ahold of that phone conversations. If he was cheating, it wouldn’t matter if he called or texted you, so how do you draw that conclusion?
The reasons is because this is your insecurity, nothing wrong with it. Just pointing it out.


WRONG!!!!
NOT my "first conclusion", that was that he wasn't comfortable on the phone as I wrote...Also, NOT "assuming' ANYTHING...am going by his behaviour...in that he doesn't want to talk at night ONLY during the day, when he is at work, a common behaviour when someone is married/taken...Also texting is a better way to communicate when you are with someone that you don't want privy to your convo...AND why the "confusion" about my work schedule, when I CLEARLY wrote/texted what it was on MORE than one occasion???
Also...if you actually read what I wrote, you would see that I stated that I DON'T KNOW FOR SURE THAT IS WHAT IS GOING ON AND AM GIVING HIM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT...
And if, as you think, it's because he is "shy", then why the eagerness to meet me immediately? If I hadn't been sick and my schedule had permitted, we would have met probably before ever having a telephone convo at all!

As for YOUR assumption that I have been cheated on...WRONG AGAIN! Well, will you look at that! You're o for 2 so far...
As for that being an "insecurity"of mine...One MORE TIME....WRONG! o for 3 now...
Only was cheated on once when I was in my teens and it had NO great impact because I was cheating on him as well...lol Youthful stupidity, what can I say....


Right, so you can get to know someone, and within an hour know whether or not someone is going to be good for you?
That is a really interesting statement, as I assume you’ve had some bad breakups and relationships. Nobody can say they can know anyone within an hour, that is absurd.


Again...if you had actually read what I wrote you would see that I said that it only takes an hour and even LESS sometimes for me to have a pretty good idea of someone's communication style and values, and whether or not they would be a good fit for ME.
NOT that I would "know" them in that time as a total and complete human being, as that would be impossible...
Let me spell out what that actually MEANS...If I go out with a man for a coffee and he makes ANY kind of racist remark, there won't BE a second date and I will probably leave immediately...My values are that there is no place for racism in this world and all that it does is divides people and causes wars....and he may be a STELLAR human being, otherwise, but I really don't CARE, as that is one of my core values...and is a "dealbreaker" for ME.

Logically speaking...I find it interesting that you argue for not assuming and taking time to know someone yet you seem to think that you have myself, as well as many others here "pegged" according to YOUR assumptions. ALL of which so far, are completely erroneous...
Because it's "absurd" to think that you would have that type of knowledge from such a limited experience of me as a human being, based solely on what I choose to share or not on a public forum...
Right?
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 102
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/4/2014 6:14:22 AM

WRONG!!!!
NOT my "first conclusion", that was that he wasn't comfortable on the phone as I wrote...Also, NOT "assuming' ANYTHING...am going by his behaviour...in that he doesn't want to talk at night ONLY during the day, when he is at work, a common behaviour when someone is married/taken...Also texting is a better way to communicate when you are with someone that you don't want privy to your convo...AND why the "confusion" about my work schedule, when I CLEARLY wrote/texted what it was on MORE than one occasion???
Also...if you actually read what I wrote, you would see that I stated that I DON'T KNOW FOR SURE THAT IS WHAT IS GOING ON AND AM GIVING HIM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT...
And if, as you think, it's because he is "shy", then why the eagerness to meet me immediately? If I hadn't been sick and my schedule had permitted, we would have met probably before ever having a telephone convo at all!

As for YOUR assumption that I have been cheated on...WRONG AGAIN! Well, will you look at that! You're o for 2 so far...
As for that being an "insecurity"of mine...One MORE TIME....WRONG! o for 3 now...
Only was cheated on once when I was in my teens and it had NO great impact because I was cheating on him as well...lol Youthful stupidity, what can I say....


That isn't what you wrote to me, you made specific mention of drawing the conclusion (out of everything) that he was cheating/married. And from what I skimmed through, I was under the impression that you hadn't talked at all, if that is still the case then it doesn't matter when he said was a good time.

You are really all over the place. And I didn't say that you had to have been cheated on, or been involved with married guys who lie. You're making assumptions before you know the guy, based on behavior, when the only thing that can be drawn is speculation as to excuses for his behavior.

And really the main point I need to make to you is that I wasn't talking to you directly, you decided to draw in my original post to RSFS2014 into your own circumstance.

This is the original point I made, it applies generally, and I don't care if you perceive it negatively

"You cannot bring ANY insecurities from past relationships into new relationships. You're supposed to clean the slate for humanity after a relationship goes bad. Do you want to know why? Because people are individuals. The second you start reliving that old baggage in a new relationship, by being hypersensitive and/or irrational. That then becomes the same second you would be better off giving up completely."

That is when you decided to take personally, as if my opinion offended you.


"Again...if you had actually read what I wrote you would see that I said that it only takes an hour and even LESS sometimes for me to have a pretty good idea of someone's communication style and values, and whether or not they would be a good fit for ME."



"Again...I'm in my late 40's, it doesn't take me much more than an hour's worth of conversation for me to know whether or not some one is going to be "good" for me or not at this stage of the game


Again, I will tell you, that it takes longer than an hour to know whether a person will be good for you or not. I am referring to the general rule. Not how long it takes you to determine if a guy has lived up to your minimum standard.
 Iam_RFSF2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 103
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/4/2014 6:20:18 AM

When you take your insecurities, and project them without justification, you damage the potential. You can cause a date to become awkward in response. Which is what happened to RFSF2014, her date got awkward when she pressed him without justification, then assumed he had been on dates, this proving she didn't have the right information in the first place.


OK, this is not what happened (or what I tried to express) AT ALL. Nothing about this situation had to do with prior baggage or any 'insecurities'... I never really thought about him being on dates or not (he mentioned he hadn't been on many to me). We had one date, I wasn't concerned about that though. I'm not one who really even cares about that when I first am getting to know someone - I figure people ARE going on dates... I met him on a dating site after all! Good grief. I don't even know how the conclusions above were drawn based on what I said. What did I press him on? To not mention my 'yummy body' (his words, NOT mine, lol) in every communication we've had this week?

I had a date with this man last weekend. I liked him, he seemed to like me. It was fine, it was fun. We talked, laughed, kissed at the end of the evening. Nothing 'sexual' happened which seemed completely normal for a first date. We agreed we'd go out again when our schedules permitted it and have been communicating regularly, we have another date planned for this evening.

This week, in our communications, he started making references to my body (in a completely complimentary way, I will add). I found it made me increasingly uncomfortable: after the 6th or 10th reference to how delicious he found me, how much he liked my 'B&A'? I found it more a turn off than anything else. To IG -- though I thought the guy was decent looking when I met him, it takes more than initial physical attraction FOR ME to feel sexual attraction to a guy. Everyone can decide what works for them. I'm only speaking for myself and I am not feeling it for this guy - yet. Will I? Who knows? That is what more dates are for.

The ONLY point I was trying to make - many messages ago - is that I told him (over the phone) that all this talk about my body (which he hasn't become acquainted with yet) made me uncomfortable, that had become a bit of a turn off. I didn't keep this to myself and expect him to read my mind that it bothered me. Another woman had said she DOES keep a script in her head and pulls away from men if they don't follow it. I was offering a counter approach that I tried to take in this one instance - I try to communicate what I'm thinking. I'm also open to a man communicating to me what he is thinking. How else will we KNOW if we are a fit?

I also didn't say I thought this guy was a 'bad guy' (either to him or to you all - at least I didn't mean it to come across that way) or guess why he he was making those comments (though there has been some of that in this discussion). I don't think he's a horrible person.

Honestly this has nothing to do with insecurities or baggage so I'm perplexed by how the one person I'm quoting got there...... This is specific circumstance -- of getting to know a new person and what is working or not working as we communicate and get to know each other better. I never said it was a deal breaker and I still don't see it that way. Like I said, I have another date with him this evening.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 104
view profile
History
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/4/2014 6:45:01 AM
@ctrl...
This is a public forum and yes I commented on something that you said that WAS offensive to me...whether or not it was directed at me...and please don't act like you haven't been "debating" me for the last page on here...

What I find particularly revealing of insecurities is when someone obfuscates, misdirects and presumes to know people better than they know THEMSELVES....and then proceeds to TELL them what's "really going on" with THEMSELVES, as though they had ANY insight whatsoever, when it's clear that they do NOT.

I am NOT the only person to correct you in your perceptions of what they have written, in fact it seems to be an ongoing theme...

That smacks of someone who is incredibly insecure about their own opinions and world views to the point that they are unable to actually correctly process information and instead have to rely on debate and being argumentative in order to validate their own beliefs....rather than consider the POSSIBILITY that they may be WRONG....

Have a nice day, there...this is just too exhausting and pointless...
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 105
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/4/2014 6:58:36 AM
I haven't been debating you. You took it upon yourself to argue this point -
"Also, if I'm understanding you correctly, you think that it's actually possible to wipe the slate clean after each relationship and what.start fresh as though never having had that experience before? "


To which I replied:

"think that it is very possible to wipe the slate clean after a tragic break-up.

You learn what you can, what your mistakes were, what the other persons mistakes were. You learn, grow, and adjust if you think it is necessary.

What you don't do is apply those mistakes to your current list of insecurities. And then become increasingly vigilant in looking for those same bad things, or red flags, or any reason to be suspicious. Because that causes you to lose sight of what you have in front of you."

And then you blew it out of proportion, and took it out of context, and obscured it with a bunch of nonsense that you consider "debate."
 Iam_RFSF2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 106
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/4/2014 7:05:41 AM

I am NOT the only person to correct you in your perceptions of what they have written, in fact it seems to be an ongoing theme...


Raises hand. LOL.

Hang in there Dee, don't let it get to you. I have to laugh at myself a bit for trying to be 'heard' in this forum...

Now -- I'm going for a run, a lunch with friends and later, a date. In other words - going to live real life for awhile :)

Be safe out there everyone!
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 107
view profile
History
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/4/2014 7:14:45 AM
@RFSF...You have fun girl!!!
And it's okay...it seems some people have a difficult time actually listening to and exchanging ideas with other people....it's more important to be right than to relate for them...
I, too am off to live REAL life as well...it's feeling kind of "trollish" around here!!! LMAO
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 108
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/4/2014 7:30:11 AM
Iam...I'm sorry you became this thread:)

FWIW, mentioning your body parts so soon is a red flag, IMHO, and kudos fore being patient with the guy.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 109
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/4/2014 8:23:29 AM
I also think some people interpret 'life experience' as being synonymous with 'baggage' or 'insecurities'.

Life experience makes it easier to spot abusers and addicts. This is not baggage or insecurity, it's wisdom.
 gingham7
Joined: 7/26/2014
Msg: 110
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/4/2014 8:29:23 AM
I've been guilty of this. Due to having been lied to and cheated on many times by men, my radar is constantly up. As soon as I get a sense of "here we go again", I'll end things, or at the very least pull way back. Also, I have a script in my head how a guy "should" act/behave if he is really into me, and if he strays from that script, I lose interest or get resentful towards them for not sticking to the script


I have a wait and see approach. I need more than just a vibe in order to lose interest in a man. I don't want to miss out on a possible match due to making a wrong assumption based to a vibe.
 VolkanoKing
Joined: 8/1/2014
Msg: 111
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/4/2014 9:05:23 AM
Dee, Iam, stop wasting your time feeding trolls. Total and complete waste of your time. You don't have to justify anything.

"Gut feelings" and "vibes" are crucial to survival, that is why we have them. We also tend to ignore them alot under the guise of "being nice" and not wanting to miss out on something. Online dating and the internet in general has made it very very easy for people to hide, fake, lie and cheat. If you've had bad experiences before and know the drill, all the more reason to be careful.

Honestly, if you came here and told everyone what an open mind you had, and kept getting into trouble with men you were going out with you'd be accused of "having a bad picker." or that the issue was all with you, not the great men hanging out on the vast street corner of online dating.

Stop feeling obligated to explain yourself here. You do what's right and safe for YOU. You don't owe strangers here repeated explanations into the detail of your life and life decisions.

Unfortunately the human race is filled with predators, opportunists, lairs, people misrepresenting themselves and people looking to use you any way they can. Particularly with online dating. You never know what you are in for until you sit down for that first meet up and find yourself sitting in front of a married man who said he was single, a guy who lied about his age, an alcoholic, a heroin addict, and a guy who will soon tell you he has herpes, and tries to guilt you into having sex with him.

Careful? Making judgements about people? Absolutely. if I wasn't "picky" about people, I would have had herpes twice over by now, involved with married men and dealing with the drama of addiction with multiple people. And God knows what else. I stopped a few dates from even happening because of inappropriate sexual texts sent my way before we even met up.

I keep a profile here strictly for the forums. I state this very clearly on my profile, I am not here for dating. I still get verbally abusive/angry messages from guys...one recently telling me I "pissed him off" because I wasn't here to date.

It's weird what the internet unleashes on you.


I dont know what it is, whether it is all the gadgets and devices people hide behind, or the vast sea of anonymous suckers to pick from on the net, but everything has gotten so crude, and even cruel. No manners, no sense of civility, sending dirty pictures, say sexual things to someone you dont know, debase everything and just act like a douchebag. Lie, cheat, abuse, then vanish.

Anyone who walks into this scenario without protecting themselves is a fool.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 112
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/4/2014 9:36:18 AM

"Gut feelings" and "vibes" are crucial to survival, that is why we have them.


Decisions based on gut feelings and vibes don't always end up being correct. Some women have admitted to me that they felt some men ( not necessarily just dates; but also co-workers, neighbors etc ) were creepy or arrogant at first. But they eventually realized these men were good men.

BTW if a woman does lose interest in a man because of something like an inappropriate text with sexual content, then that is clearly more than just a vibe. Since there is some tangible evidence. I think each situation should be handled on a case by case basis.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 113
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/4/2014 10:00:53 AM
Msg 107:I kinda wish you actually read what I typed. Oh, you quoted it, so you saw it...but you didn't read it, since the words you quoted answered your own observations. Part of great relationships is paying attention to communication, tho yes, insecurities can get in the way of that (since we're on that subject, and the example you gave in Msg 109, I wouldn't call that insecure, I'd call that, "not a good enough fit" or "not meeting my standards" or "where there's smoke, there's fire, based on reality".

A person who uses another person in order to work on insecurities, is going to achieve only a SUPERFICIAL JOB. Is that bleak? yes, in my opinion, and I suspect in the opinion of others. would you agree that a superficial job is bleak?

Do people have insecurities of some type? well, as I posted, there are insecurities BIG AND LITTLE. In my particular case, no, I don't have big ones. I was the kid no one wanted to play with as a kid, so I had to learn not to be insecure about that...or, I guess...commit suicide, as some do from rejection. I had to look at how I treated situations, compare that to the reactions of others, and decide if I was reacting the mature way or the immature way. so, OK, maybe I am the most fully evolved human ever :) lol

I think its highly possible to lose the major insecurities, as the divorce rate is only 50%, so half are getting by. Not a great number, not a bad one. I think its possible, but I don't think its common. the more you want from a partner, the fewer there are to offer what you want.

the healthier you are in the head, the healthier a partner you offer to your partner. And since you'll seek out a like-minded individual to spend time around, THEY will be healthy in mind and act. And thus...the relationship will be healthy.

as for guys who talk a lot about your body parts...yeah, that's a red flag. You should offer a lot more, for them to notice, comment on, talk about, etc in addition to them talking about themselves. Again, if you read the posts thru this forum, women constantly comment about hating guys talk about their bodies when they walk down the street, in restaurants, etc.

unless, of course, its a particular fellow you wouldn't mind actually doing the things he says he wants to do :) Its almost a compliment to be complimented by someone who caught your attention...and now you know you've got their's. :)
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 114
view profile
History
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/4/2014 10:56:23 AM
@ VK
Here! Here!
Well said...and don't worry bout me...I can give as good as I get until the nonsense begins to bore me...lol
You are RIGHT on the money...and I'm starting to agree with you about the devices that seem to encourage bad behaviour in MANY cases...
Thanks, VK, you're a peach!

@gto...I think I understand better now that you explained it a different way...I DO agree that like tends to attract like...
 hemingway114
Joined: 6/16/2014
Msg: 115
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/4/2014 5:41:19 PM
VolkanoKing said,


"Gut feelings" and "vibes" are crucial to survival, that is why we have them.


- If this thread goes to 1,000 pages, I'll guarantee you the above quote was the most important thing written in it.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 116
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/4/2014 7:55:01 PM

Decisions based on gut feelings and vibes don't always end up being correct. Some women have admitted to me that they felt some men ( not necessarily just dates; but also co-workers, neighbors etc ) were creepy or arrogant at first. But they eventually realized these men were good men.

Eh, maybe so but way better safe than sorry.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 117
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/4/2014 8:10:00 PM
If a woman jumps to a wrong conclusion about me...was she right for me?

Likely...not. sometimes, we worry about missing out on something. But sometimes, what we miss out on...we should be glad we missed out on :)

I still say, if someone can't meet your schedule or communicates in a way you do not communicate, you aren't passing them up due to a gut feeling. You are passing them up for being a bad fit. you may want to USE the gut feeling as your justification, but just be honest--you wished for something more convenient, a better fit.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 118
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/4/2014 9:26:07 PM
Eh, maybe so but way better safe than sorry.


To each their own. I still think it depends on the situation and the amount of relative risk. In my experience, the worst case scenario for not following a vibe is often going out on another date with someone that ends up not being a match with me. I also agree with the poster that made the distinction between a vibe and a clear dealbreaker. Suppose one person is religious and the other person rarely goes to church. That doesn't make either person a bad person. But it might make them not compatible with each other.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 119
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/5/2014 12:23:25 PM
while I didn't read the entire post.........

I could ask why men are so fickle on here......
 Vohaul
Joined: 2/20/2014
Msg: 120
view profile
History
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/5/2014 2:27:38 PM
To the original point; it's a numbers game. People are free to talk to multiple people, because it's not like most of them are going to pan out all that well. Hell, I got three in a row on really awesome lead-ups that went to, "Sorry, I decided to commit to somebody I've been seeing." Three in a row, nothing in-between. I took it so well that the women tended to end up apologizing or just stating that I was great (big damn help, huh?) but privately I did get jaded enough to drop out of the scene for a bit. Never once held it against anybody, but didn't like feeling like I was gambling, a habit I just hate.

But that's the scene and it's smart enough on anybody's part. Even yours. If somebody's so fixated on a person after only online conversation, it may be time to step back and consider yourself and what you're doing, exactly.

As for the gut reaction/instinct thing that's popping up here, I have to largely go with the "trust it" camp, at least as regards danger feelings. Where I diverge are the crowd that insists on instant chemical reaction as an indicator for how longer term things are going to go. I just think that's lunacy. Real affection is built on a shared narrative and things you can't possibly glean from a first encounter unless you have two very rare examples of that Bigfoot-like dating beast, the person who does not fear open, genuine expression (not to be confused with the "blunt, honest" **stard). People do enjoy ruining themselves on that snag.

But yeah, if somebody gives you the creepy vibe, best safe and not part of the siding on somebody's creepy greenhouse.
 gingham7
Joined: 7/26/2014
Msg: 121
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/5/2014 5:33:57 PM
If a vibe is about a possible safety concern, then I can understand people being cautious about it. However a lack of instant chemistry vibe isn't necessarily a dealbreaker for me. Like I said earlier, I had relationships when the chemistry or sparks came a little bit later.
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 122
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/5/2014 6:25:21 PM
Gut feelings and vibes aren't necessarily the best way to survive. If your gut feeling is that a person is being dishonest and manipulative. Then you may be right, but it is equally possible (within the same context,) that you may actually be misinterpreting a statement or action. Miscommunication happens all the time, and initial dates are a perfect example of a common place where that can happen.

I've worked with people who initially gave me a bad feeling, particularly people who are quiet and reserved. And 9 times out of 10 my initial gut feeling was wrong. And paradoxically it is more often the people who seem initially like great people, who were outwardly friendly, or even over friendly that have turned into the most psychotic/irrational or have turned on me and stabbed me in the back. Two faced people are a great example, after they've shown the other side of their face. Typically that takes longer than an hour or a few dates to discern.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  >