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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Why are girls so fickle on here?!      Home login  
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 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 116
Why are girls so fickle on here?!Page 6 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Msg 107:I kinda wish you actually read what I typed. Oh, you quoted it, so you saw it...but you didn't read it, since the words you quoted answered your own observations. Part of great relationships is paying attention to communication, tho yes, insecurities can get in the way of that (since we're on that subject, and the example you gave in Msg 109, I wouldn't call that insecure, I'd call that, "not a good enough fit" or "not meeting my standards" or "where there's smoke, there's fire, based on reality".

A person who uses another person in order to work on insecurities, is going to achieve only a SUPERFICIAL JOB. Is that bleak? yes, in my opinion, and I suspect in the opinion of others. would you agree that a superficial job is bleak?

Do people have insecurities of some type? well, as I posted, there are insecurities BIG AND LITTLE. In my particular case, no, I don't have big ones. I was the kid no one wanted to play with as a kid, so I had to learn not to be insecure about that...or, I guess...commit suicide, as some do from rejection. I had to look at how I treated situations, compare that to the reactions of others, and decide if I was reacting the mature way or the immature way. so, OK, maybe I am the most fully evolved human ever :) lol

I think its highly possible to lose the major insecurities, as the divorce rate is only 50%, so half are getting by. Not a great number, not a bad one. I think its possible, but I don't think its common. the more you want from a partner, the fewer there are to offer what you want.

the healthier you are in the head, the healthier a partner you offer to your partner. And since you'll seek out a like-minded individual to spend time around, THEY will be healthy in mind and act. And thus...the relationship will be healthy.

as for guys who talk a lot about your body parts...yeah, that's a red flag. You should offer a lot more, for them to notice, comment on, talk about, etc in addition to them talking about themselves. Again, if you read the posts thru this forum, women constantly comment about hating guys talk about their bodies when they walk down the street, in restaurants, etc.

unless, of course, its a particular fellow you wouldn't mind actually doing the things he says he wants to do :) Its almost a compliment to be complimented by someone who caught your attention...and now you know you've got their's. :)
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 117
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Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/4/2014 10:56:23 AM
@ VK
Here! Here!
Well said...and don't worry bout me...I can give as good as I get until the nonsense begins to bore me...lol
You are RIGHT on the money...and I'm starting to agree with you about the devices that seem to encourage bad behaviour in MANY cases...
Thanks, VK, you're a peach!

@gto...I think I understand better now that you explained it a different way...I DO agree that like tends to attract like...
 hemingway114
Joined: 6/16/2014
Msg: 118
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/4/2014 5:41:19 PM
VolkanoKing said,


"Gut feelings" and "vibes" are crucial to survival, that is why we have them.


- If this thread goes to 1,000 pages, I'll guarantee you the above quote was the most important thing written in it.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 119
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/4/2014 7:55:01 PM

Decisions based on gut feelings and vibes don't always end up being correct. Some women have admitted to me that they felt some men ( not necessarily just dates; but also co-workers, neighbors etc ) were creepy or arrogant at first. But they eventually realized these men were good men.

Eh, maybe so but way better safe than sorry.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 120
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/4/2014 8:10:00 PM
If a woman jumps to a wrong conclusion about me...was she right for me?

Likely...not. sometimes, we worry about missing out on something. But sometimes, what we miss out on...we should be glad we missed out on :)

I still say, if someone can't meet your schedule or communicates in a way you do not communicate, you aren't passing them up due to a gut feeling. You are passing them up for being a bad fit. you may want to USE the gut feeling as your justification, but just be honest--you wished for something more convenient, a better fit.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 121
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/4/2014 9:26:07 PM
Eh, maybe so but way better safe than sorry.


To each their own. I still think it depends on the situation and the amount of relative risk. In my experience, the worst case scenario for not following a vibe is often going out on another date with someone that ends up not being a match with me. I also agree with the poster that made the distinction between a vibe and a clear dealbreaker. Suppose one person is religious and the other person rarely goes to church. That doesn't make either person a bad person. But it might make them not compatible with each other.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 122
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/5/2014 12:23:25 PM
while I didn't read the entire post.........

I could ask why men are so fickle on here......
 Vohaul
Joined: 2/20/2014
Msg: 123
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Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/5/2014 2:27:38 PM
To the original point; it's a numbers game. People are free to talk to multiple people, because it's not like most of them are going to pan out all that well. Hell, I got three in a row on really awesome lead-ups that went to, "Sorry, I decided to commit to somebody I've been seeing." Three in a row, nothing in-between. I took it so well that the women tended to end up apologizing or just stating that I was great (big damn help, huh?) but privately I did get jaded enough to drop out of the scene for a bit. Never once held it against anybody, but didn't like feeling like I was gambling, a habit I just hate.

But that's the scene and it's smart enough on anybody's part. Even yours. If somebody's so fixated on a person after only online conversation, it may be time to step back and consider yourself and what you're doing, exactly.

As for the gut reaction/instinct thing that's popping up here, I have to largely go with the "trust it" camp, at least as regards danger feelings. Where I diverge are the crowd that insists on instant chemical reaction as an indicator for how longer term things are going to go. I just think that's lunacy. Real affection is built on a shared narrative and things you can't possibly glean from a first encounter unless you have two very rare examples of that Bigfoot-like dating beast, the person who does not fear open, genuine expression (not to be confused with the "blunt, honest" **stard). People do enjoy ruining themselves on that snag.

But yeah, if somebody gives you the creepy vibe, best safe and not part of the siding on somebody's creepy greenhouse.
 gingham7
Joined: 7/26/2014
Msg: 124
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/5/2014 5:33:57 PM
If a vibe is about a possible safety concern, then I can understand people being cautious about it. However a lack of instant chemistry vibe isn't necessarily a dealbreaker for me. Like I said earlier, I had relationships when the chemistry or sparks came a little bit later.
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 125
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/5/2014 6:25:21 PM
Gut feelings and vibes aren't necessarily the best way to survive. If your gut feeling is that a person is being dishonest and manipulative. Then you may be right, but it is equally possible (within the same context,) that you may actually be misinterpreting a statement or action. Miscommunication happens all the time, and initial dates are a perfect example of a common place where that can happen.

I've worked with people who initially gave me a bad feeling, particularly people who are quiet and reserved. And 9 times out of 10 my initial gut feeling was wrong. And paradoxically it is more often the people who seem initially like great people, who were outwardly friendly, or even over friendly that have turned into the most psychotic/irrational or have turned on me and stabbed me in the back. Two faced people are a great example, after they've shown the other side of their face. Typically that takes longer than an hour or a few dates to discern.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 126
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Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/5/2014 9:44:14 PM
Gut feelings have literally saved my LIFE on at least two important occasions and I'm grateful to be able to recognize and access them when needed...
As far as dating goes...it's a bit different for me...while I ALWAYS play it "safe"and meet in public places etc, when meeting men, if I don't have a good and POSITIVE sense of someone from our initial interactions then we simply DON'T meet.
As far as, and I didn't go back that far in the posts so please forgive me if I'm wrong, using your gut to determine the outcome of a particular date or relationship, well, I'm with gingham...on that one. While instant chemistry is nice, and I have experienced it and moved on to LTR's as a result, I don't always write someone off if it's NOT present at the first meeting. Conversely,I also won't continue to go out with someone who doesn't spark at least SOME interest for me...
For me,I see that as two entirely separate things.
Gut feelings are based on snap judgements that may come from a variety of sources. How that person makes you feel, is only one of those sources.Unconscious observations, such as the person's demeanour, do they seem relaxed or tense, for example, also come into play in "gut feelings". Which is why they are also partly based on "instinct". Instinct is a strong desire in human beings...especially the instinct for survival. So if my GUT is ringing the alarm bells I don't question it and remove myself from the situation. As I mentioned that has served me well, so far.
However, I also believe that sometimes what I may BELIEVE is a gut feeling is actually not. It's just a habit pattern that I am used to whether in the types of men I choose,or a certain type of behaviour in specific situations, etc. I may experience discomfort with someone simply because they are behaving outside of what I originally anticipated and/or was attracted to and that is just a case of getting to know someone better...

Learning to tell the difference between them has taken practice but I know that today, I rarely if ever confuse the two.
I also have a remarkably accurate sense of people despite their initial or outward behaviour which is what makes me so good at my job, especially when I was working in men's prisons, with addicts and alcoholics, etc. But I am aware of that and have a skill set that has developed from working in a LOT of potentially dangerous situations and it is something that is CONSCIOUS so I don't consider that to be a gut feeling type of thing, except in the most basic way ie. my physical safety is in jeopardy. All of that combined has managed to keep me safe in a sometimes dangerous world and has largely kept me out of the way of sociopaths and psychotics, and by that I mean all of the ones who AREN'T incarcerated, and trust me when I say, there's a LOT of those running around in the world! In fact you have probably had contact with more than one in your lifetime and never even knew it....
 Iam_RFSF2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 127
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/6/2014 6:45:15 AM

Iam...I'm sorry you became this thread:)


From a page back, since I took up a fair amount bandwidth on here with this 'issue that grew (much) larger in the forum discussion than it was in real life' (which I am responsible for - in trying to 'explain' (defend?) myself RE: a comment I made in a post, I am certain I painted an incomplete picture of a situation).....

Anyway, wanted to give a quick update and a little commentary (ha, of course I do). My priority in getting to know someone is not 'sniffing our red flags'. That's just not how I tend to operate. I'm actually not fickle - I skew towards inclusion and giving chances, not exclusion. I suspect that my flaw in these forums is that I have a seriously negative reaction to topic subjects like "Why are GIRLS so fickle on here?!" (emphasis mine, I'm an unfickle female and I just don't like the broad brush gender wars that exist on here).

I commented on ONE issue I was having with someone (really just to illustrate a communication strategy). This one issue did not overwhelm all the good interaction that was going on and I think that fact got lost in my posts. My communicating my reaction to him was really just so this one thing didn't become a larger issue.

The good news: We had a really great date on Sat night and, based on that, I invited him to join me yesterday (regular NFL viewing plans with my friends) which he seemed happy to do. He had suggested we watch football solo on Sunday, so I figured he didn't have previous plans. I think he enjoyed himself quite a bit, my friends seemed to really like him.

I'm getting a much better feel for the guy he is - which ONLY happens if you spend time with someone and communicate. He told me he was really glad that I mentioned the comments that I wasn't comfortable with. He also mentioned that he really appreciated how I did it without throwing negativity towards him - it was NEVER (for me) a character judgement, it was simply a matter of me not feeling comfortable with one portion of our conversation. He definitely dialed that back. I do think he's a guy who is very rooted in 'the physical' but I also don't think that's his ONLY end goal. Since I'm not looking for a relationship that doesn't have a physical component either (I mean, I have friends already :) I actually think it's possible that he and I are on the same page (if not the same paragraph) - Mars and Venus stuff be d*mned.

So time will tell, hopefully the process of getting to know each other will continue to be enjoyable; we are in the process of figuring out what will work for a week night get together this week.

And now I guess I'm off to 'hide my profile' (which seems kind of silly for PoF - I NEVER get email, I mean NEVER (another myth that seems to persist in the forums but not IRL, at least not MY real life) - but definitely need to do this in match, where I 'met' him and still hear from people from time to time)
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 128
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/6/2014 7:25:04 PM
I've been super fickle for several months now, simply because I'm not "thirsty" to date anymore. I could take it or leave it at this point - mostly leave it. I'm content spending time alone, or with friends and my kids. I still get messages even though my profile has been hidden (no clue how that works). I blow pretty much everybody off or engage in very lackluster convos. I used to make an effort to get the conversation going with guys I was interested in and now I'm just "whatever". For a guy to get my attention right now, he'd have to be as perfect as a figment of my imagination. Very unlikely to happen. And I've noticed that the less interested I am in meeting guys, the more they seem to be after me, of course. It's either feast or famine, and when I'm hungry, no one interesting is every around
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 129
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/6/2014 8:10:27 PM
Common sense and communication will beat a "gut feeling" every time. It's just an assumption, sometimes you're right, and sometimes you're wrong. When you're right, yeah, it can save you, but how many people here have passed on an amazing person, that they would have happily spent their life with, because their "gut feeling" was that something was wrong.

That idea only works if you're not screwed up yourself... But the problem, is that every one of us are in our own way.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 130
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Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/6/2014 9:17:17 PM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

GOOD point!!!
Our own PERCEPTIONS also factor in...
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 131
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/6/2014 9:45:57 PM

I've been super fickle for several months now, simply because I'm not "thirsty" to date anymore. I could take it or leave it at this point - mostly leave it. I'm content spending time alone, or with friends and my kids. I still get messages even though my profile has been hidden (no clue how that works). I blow pretty much everybody off or engage in very lackluster convos. I used to make an effort to get the conversation going with guys I was interested in and now I'm just "whatever". For a guy to get my attention right now, he'd have to be as perfect as a figment of my imagination. Very unlikely to happen. And I've noticed that the less interested I am in meeting guys, the more they seem to be after me, of course. It's either feast or famine, and when I'm hungry, no one interesting is every around.

Similar here, except I have no kids, and I haven't been thirsty to date in so long I'm not sure I can pinpoint it. And that's just it, you can be as picky as you want if you are OK with the outcome of it. I will NEVER date just to date. If what works for me isn't out there, then I'll consider dating to just not to be my thing.

Common sense and communication will beat a "gut feeling" every time. It's just an assumption, sometimes you're right, and sometimes you're wrong. When you're right, yeah, it can save you, but how many people here have passed on an amazing person, that they would have happily spent their life with, because their "gut feeling" was that something was wrong.

For me, that's not a decent argument. If you passed on an amazing person you'd never know the difference unless you were putting a projection on it based on what you think or have been taught you should be doing with your social life. The outcome is your personal decision and frankly doesn't concern or hurt anyone including you (depending on your mindset).
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 132
Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/6/2014 10:56:03 PM
A gut feeling, in simple terms, is inference without reason.

Sociopaths and psychos are particularly adept at avoiding detection from gut feelings. They are often charming and calculating. As opposed to being nervous for being on a first date, and not being able to send the right signals because they lack self-confidence.

No, a psychopath/sociopath has a great deal of self-confidence, in addition to feeling entitled without reason.
 LLM211
Joined: 2/4/2014
Msg: 133
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Why are girls so fickle on here?!
Posted: 10/16/2014 5:50:24 PM
Because they can be. With the number of responses they get they can be fickle and weed out who they don't want and still have enough choices left.
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