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 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 12
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dead-end relationship?Page 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

If a man said he would never marry ME, then I would have to end it. To me that is the same as him saying I am not the one & he is still looking & will be gone if he thinks he has found the one. Also, if he has decided I will never be special enough to be his wife, then I am not going to pretend to be one.

But if he is just not interested in getting married again to anyone, I would let it slide.

^^^I see it just like this too. Talk to him to ensure you understand exactly he means.
 msmitzi
Joined: 1/6/2009
Msg: 13
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dead-end relationship?
Posted: 8/18/2009 10:11:50 AM
Well, I did take the statement that he would never marry me as a slap in the face, but I do appreciate the up front honesty... And I am not sure *IF* I ever want to get married, but I still want to have the option on the table.
A little more background here: the guy has been a widower for about 1-1/2 years. When we first started dating, he did have the wife pictures all over the house. I had never dated a widower before, so I didn't know what to expect or even what would be considered part of the normal grieving process. He was relentless in his pursuit of me and assured me that he was ready to move on. I think that he wants to move on, but in reality, he is not ready or able to do so.
Maybe I am at a crossroad here in the relationship. Apparently it's time I look out for my best interests and get on with my life.
Anyway, thanks for all the different responses and your insights. Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees and have to look at things in a different way.
 winteragain
Joined: 3/26/2009
Msg: 14
dead-end relationship?
Posted: 8/18/2009 10:38:56 AM
Your guy has been through hell once, you want to put him through the same thing all over again. Temptress! Once you're through with him, he can actually start working in Hell giving tour guides to the souls of the damned because nothing in there will phase him anymore.
 msmitzi
Joined: 1/6/2009
Msg: 15
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dead-end relationship?
Posted: 8/18/2009 10:43:00 AM
I don't want anyone to think I have marriage as an end goal. Not so. I do think it's wrong to be closed minded about possibilities tho.
All of you who say you would never want to get "married again" have obviously done it at least once. Maybe it ended badly. That just means you weren't with the right one the first time around. And it doesn't mean you should run out and marry the next one who would have you either Just be open to possibilities
That is all.
 justwant2no
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 16
dead-end relationship?
Posted: 8/18/2009 11:25:57 AM
OP - I've been with my SO about two years, living together a year and a half. When we were still dating he told me he had no interest in getting married again. I'm 47 and had an unpleasant marriage (although the divorce was practically painless). I honestly could care less about marriage. We have a very happy, long term, monogomous, live in relationship. I'm perfectly content with where we are. It would not entirely surprise me if ten years down the road he might change his mind. I doubt I would, but eh, never say never!
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 17
dead-end relationship?
Posted: 8/18/2009 12:20:07 PM
Sounds to me as though you need to discuss it further with him as well as discuss it with yourself further. You haven't said it's an absolute must for you to get married but that you want to leave it on the table in case it does become something you are desirous of at some point. In other words, you totally don't even know your own stand on the matter. Is it fair to walk from this first without your own internal clarity. He, on the other hand, has said he doesn't want to get married but it is really unclear from your post if he actually said to you that he doesn't want to marry you or if it's that he simply doesn't want to ever marry anyone again. It sounds to me more like a case of an assumption on your part that he doesn't want to marry you, being that you took it as a slap in the face...how can it be a slap in the face if you aren't even sure you want to get married. As always, communicate for the sake of clarity on everyone's part. Stop wondering and look deep within yourself as to what you want before you throw expectations and ultimatums on other people.
 SASSYN89178
Joined: 2/19/2007
Msg: 18
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dead-end relationship?
Posted: 8/18/2009 12:24:14 PM
How about just living with the guy? Have you discussed moving in together? Not all relationships end in marriage.
Would you be happy just living with him?
 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 19
dead-end relationship?
Posted: 8/18/2009 12:35:12 PM
Marriage for each person is different. Personally, some day i'd like to get married, however if I met someone that meant the world to me and vise/versa and we SHOWED each other how we felt and he didnt want to get married then I'd be ok with it. Marriage is just a peice of paper in the end. I hear horror stories about who took who to the cleaners of course, but common law divorce can be just as messy or easy as the next. So to me it's not about the marriage aspect of it but the commitment aspect and you can have that without the "paper".

So the answer your looking for is, what is important to YOU in the end.
 forumrum
Joined: 5/25/2009
Msg: 20
dead-end relationship?
Posted: 8/18/2009 12:49:32 PM
It's 2009. Who cares. Marriage is religious institution that is well beyond it's best before date much like religion.

If he loves you and is committed to you, then why do you care?
 msmitzi
Joined: 1/6/2009
Msg: 21
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dead-end relationship?
Posted: 8/18/2009 1:01:36 PM
He specifically said he did not ever want to marry me. I would not want to marry him right now either. The relationship is not at that stage, and may never be, but I want to know that a man loves me enough that he is open and willing to make a more permanent commitment. Key words here are "open and willing"!
That being said, no, I would not want to get married just for the sake of being married. And I am way past the age of having kids, so that's not even an issue...

Even those nay sayers who swear they would never get married again, don't you think if the right person came along, they might just change their mind?
(Example for the guys: Maybe Tim McGraw and Faith Hill get divorced, and Faith Hill says she cannot live with out you... Just kidding, but never say never!)
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 22
dead-end relationship?
Posted: 8/18/2009 1:29:25 PM
So, is marriage the only permanent commitment you see as an option? I'm around your age, have been with someone for three years longer than you, I don't want to get married but the commitment and love that is shared has nothing to do with being married. It has everything to do with the relationship itself. Marriage doesn't necessarily mean a person is any more committed to someone than not being married. Too many people will marry just because there's the fear factor that if they don't marry, they'll lose the person, even though the thought of marriage goes against their grain...or they marry because it's "convenient". Either continue with the status quo, realize through various means that he's committed to you and loves you by means other than marriage...or bail and find someone else who "might" want to get married at some time in the future if you "might" want to. It seems to me there are a whole lot of "mights" in your situation on top of the fact that he just "might" not totally be over his grieving process. I mean really, how much better is it for you for someone to say they "might" want to marry you sometime down the road...that also leaves it open that he "might not" want to marry you. "Might" is just that...it's not a yes or no.
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 23
dead-end relationship?
Posted: 8/18/2009 2:26:12 PM

I think that he wants to move on, but in reality, he is not ready or able to do so


We can't rush the healing process, some people take longer than others to heal. When he said he never wants to marry again, he was actually saying "I haven't healed" it's a kind of defense mechanisim. Help him heal by just enjoying him as he is....
 louise1359
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 24
dead-end relationship?
Posted: 8/18/2009 2:38:16 PM

Op, I hate to sound blunt, but he's saying he doesn't want to marry 'you'


I agree, although I'd add one more idea. You may well be the deepest attachment he has allowed himself to form YET since the death of his wife. It is no reflection on you; it's about his grieving process. I'm sorry that you are more attached to him, b/c nothing you do can change this. He's just not ready and he will have to move on to a new person b4 he can move to a deeper level.
 msmitzi
Joined: 1/6/2009
Msg: 25
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dead-end relationship?
Posted: 8/18/2009 2:58:44 PM
I honor your opinion Chameleonf, you make several good points. But "might" or "might not" is very different than "not ever". I am only looking at having an option (- or not -) considering BOTH people's opinions at a more appropriate time. Completely ruling something as NOT even a remote possibility, is leaving no other option on the table.

Seriously, I have no problem with being single. At 52, I have never been married. Yes, I have had several offers, but it wasn't the right person at the right time. Hey, at least I knew that the man loved me enough to want to make that commitment... That is all I am asking for.
For a man to tell me that I am not worthy of even being considered down the road, well it is a real slap in the face. I would not date someone for any extended period of time if I didn't think there was a possibility of a future. But maybe that's just me.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 26
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dead-end relationship?
Posted: 8/18/2009 3:15:41 PM
At my age, sure I'd date him if I liked him, but then I don't want to get married again either, that could change but I'm not holding my breath. But, I would also always know that he may well fall head-over-heals for someone and dump you and move on. I believe men when they say they do not think of me as marriage material, but I don't ever think that that means they don't think of someone else as marriage material. Usually someone younger who showed up out of the blue People are funny creatures, you think you understand them then WHAM! someone comes along and they're totally someone else you never met the whole time you were with them. I keep that in the back of my head, I don't let it stop me from dating or having fun, but I know that anything can happen in a second that might change everything you thought you knew. Personally, I would enjoy the time now and not think of a future with this person, no baggage/no regret, just having a good time with a limited relationship possibility. Now if you were looking for long term I'd say run for the hills, it's not going to happen with this man.
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 27
dead-end relationship?
Posted: 8/18/2009 3:38:38 PM

For a man to tell me that I am not worthy of even being considered down the road, well it is a real slap in the face. I would not date someone for any extended period of time if I didn't think there was a possibility of a future. But maybe that's just me.


See this is exactly the problem, it's always about us! OP, have you ever stopped to think that his CURRENT choice to not marry has nothing to do with you? I really hate to tell you this OP but your demand for security is stemmig from your own fear. Why can't you just enjoy this man for who he is at this PRESENT moment..?? Not everything we say has to be carved in stone, damn I almost drowned as a kid and said I would never ever swim again, but with time I learned to appreciate and love the water once again.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 28
dead-end relationship?
Posted: 8/18/2009 4:24:16 PM

But "might" or "might not" is very different than "not ever".


It really isn't any different. There is still no commitment in the answer of "might" because there still is the option of might not. If you believe that him saying he "might" entertain the idea of marrying you down the road is a sign of how much he loves you today, couldn't that also kind of equate to being the same thing as he "might" love you enough at some point but he doesn't right now...using your logic...and you're still not getting affirmation of his love in the way you are wanting it. All I'm getting at is try not to take the lack of the possibility of marriage down the road as a slap in the face. He just "might" surprise you down the road and mention it himself that he's changed his thinking after he's totally finished his greiving process. Either you're satisfied with him and enjoy him as he is, or you're not. Are you more interested in the idea of marriage or more interested in the man himself. At any rate, I wish you both much luck and happiness.
 PANDA423
Joined: 6/10/2009
Msg: 29
dead-end relationship?
Posted: 8/18/2009 4:52:04 PM
I don't think hes telling you anything of the sort. I wouldn't let it be a deal breaker, if you're enjoying each other just keep doing it....I really don't think it has anything to do with "Once in a Lifetime." Marriage at this point is a word, it's not like you're going to have kids or anything. At 42, I can tell you that today, I don't ever want to get married again, ever...that doesn't mean I wouldn't spend my time with someone, meaning just one person. Don't look into it to much, enjoy yourself! Life is to short not to! Good luck!
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 30
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dead-end relationship?
Posted: 8/18/2009 7:54:37 PM
OP, myself and several others have asked point blank if you are opposed to cohabitation and you have not answered that question nor do we know that he is opposed to cohabitation but perhaps just doesn't feel that marriage is for him ever again because he did that, etc.

That doesn't mean you don't have a future if both would consider cohabitation. I think many people your age, mine too, who were pretty sure they didn't want to cohabit long term when they were planning to have a family, etc. really don't have a huge problem with it when they are past that stage in their lives.

Ten years ago, had I been single, I probably would have still had the same attitude I did in my mid-twenties, if I cared enough about someone to live with them and expected to do that long term, I wanted to at some point marry that person. Now, I don't think I really feel the same way and I think it would depend on how myself and another person felt. I certainly would not walk away from a good relationship because he didn't want any paperwork and if someone had a really horrible marriage I could see where even if he loved me and never thought I would screw him around literally or financially still wouldn't want to get married and that would be okay.

It doesn't seem that you have clarified that he is not open to making a long term commitment or did you discuss whether he would live with you without the marriage license? Or if you would be happy or not doing that as well?
 varinia
Joined: 1/1/2009
Msg: 31
dead-end relationship?
Posted: 8/18/2009 8:05:48 PM
How many people are there, that would be willing to give up their marriage to be with someone they love and who loves them back instead?
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 32
dead-end relationship?
Posted: 8/19/2009 5:33:54 AM

How many people are there, that would be willing to give up their marriage to be with someone they love and who loves them back instead?


so true.
 justwant2no
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 33
dead-end relationship?
Posted: 8/19/2009 5:50:52 AM
OP - I believe this topic needs more discussion between you and your man. I think you may have made one or two assumptions. I don't know when the two of you had this conversation, or what context it was in, but while I can completely see a man (widower) in certain context saying 'I don't ever want to marry again.' I cannot picture a context where a man would say to a woman 'I don't ever want to marry YOU' (other than storming out a slamming door!). That may be how you perceived it - but is it possible that the context was something like 'I just don't want to lead you on, I will never marry again'? These have different contexts - and require clarification on his part. The other assumption you made was: 'Obviously he had his Once in a Lifetime love already'. I do not think he said that to you, or you wouldn't have qualified it as 'obviously' - I think this comment is coming from injured pride. And from my experience (men I've known over the years), widowers especially, men who have had a good marriage would be more inclined to remarry than one who'd had a bad or difficult marriage. So I don't know that his once in a lifetime love is really 'obvious'.
Before you make any decision, you need to communicate your feelings to him. It is possible he is unaware how conflicted his comment has made you. Perhaps in context he could clarify his wording. If he had said 'It's not that I don't want to marry YOU, it's that I can't see myself marrying again' would you feel differently?
I've said it before, and I'll say it again (ad nausium) 'Communication is the key!'
Good luck, OP - and let us know how it goes!
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