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 andriv
Joined: 5/6/2008
Msg: 39
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
IMO those single parents who have children with special needs deserve to be held on a high pedestal. I have so much respect for you. The patients and commitment it takes is more then anything else I can think of. I have a soft heart especially when it comes to children but I have no idea how I would handle it, the emotional roller coaster must be unbelievable. I have never really been around children with special needs other then passing them on the street or the park, my kids don't have any disabilities other then the occasional "selective hearing" syndrome so I don't know how I would be or how I would respond.

I wouldn't walk away from a relationship because she has child(ren) with special needs because I feel I have the patients and the heart to be a positive influence but I know there would be fear. Fear of saying something wrong that will offend, or what should I be careful not to do if and when the time came to meet the kid(s)? I'm sure you would treat the child(ren) as any other but for me it is an unknown as it with so many other people. Though it wouldn't deter me if you have a child of special needs there are those that it will only because they fear the unknown. I wouldn't take it personally and use it as a measuring stick, these individuals would not be a good match for you and by them running makes it that much easier to figure out.
 TattooedMomma
Joined: 2/13/2009
Msg: 40
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 2/17/2009 4:33:12 PM
Just a question.. Is ADD considered a disabilty?
 andriv
Joined: 5/6/2008
Msg: 41
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 2/17/2009 4:45:31 PM
Not so sure, I have a nephew that was diagnosed with it when he was younger. He would bounce off the walls and not listen but only with his mother. When I took him out he was not so hyper and listened very well.
 TattooedMomma
Joined: 2/13/2009
Msg: 42
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 2/17/2009 5:08:05 PM
My son has ADD, recently diagnosed. I dont look at it as a disability. He is not super active or anything. He just needed help with focusing on school work. Otherwise there is NO other issue. His medicine has corrected the paying attention problem. But like i said he was never bouncing off walls or not listening. I never thought there was even a problem until I spoke with his teacher about his grades. His pediatrician says that there are cases of ADD where it is just school work and nothing else. But Ive never looked at it like a disability or even felt the need to tell a partner.
 andriv
Joined: 5/6/2008
Msg: 43
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 2/17/2009 5:18:32 PM
Medication helped my nephew as well. His biggest issue was focusing as well. He was taking off the meds at 11 and he is 16 years old now doing well. Most young boys have trouble focusing because they are hyper, full of imagination, they want to run and play. Normal boys.
 kurr
Joined: 1/1/2005
Msg: 44
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History
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 7/22/2009 8:12:13 PM
I do have a good experience. I met my fish on here two years ago . On our first date he played more with her that talked with me , but that was Wonderful. I think she thinks he is her boyfriend sometimes but it is all great... hang in you will find him...
 WomanofWhimzy
Joined: 11/20/2008
Msg: 45
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History
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 7/25/2009 6:34:00 AM
Admitedly, dating as a single mom AND the mom of a special needs child is sometimes tough. I have found a lot of the time that if people run off in a hurry they are either uneducated and have stereotypical views about what a spectrum disorder is OR, my son's disorder is a blessing in the form of a barometer to ward off asses ( no offense to anyone please). Also, if a man ( or woman) hurries off it may not be the condition of your child but the way it is discussed (tone, verbage, etc) or the body language involved in the explanation- we express ourselves in so many subtle ways that we may not even realize that we display fear, sadness, frustration, etc when we discuss certain things. Face it, having a special needs child is a challenge and it does take a while to get informed and get your groove on to what things will work for your child and family- there is no one size fits all fix when it comes to the spectrum.. which can also be a very positive, wonderful and amazing journey in and of itself. I think that it requires us to not see our kids as having a "lack" or a 'negative' in as much as a difference that allow us to open ourselves up to new ways of thinking-

As far as telling the person about my kids or my son's disorder- I dont work on a time frame, in fact, it takes a while (often times never) to even introduce my kids to a date. I think this is a personal comfort area and I dont think it is something that requires such focus on disclosure like an STD would. We have children who both challenge and inspire us.. it's not a dark family secret.
 devine1019
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 46
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 7/27/2009 1:51:32 PM
ive read alot of what people wrote and yes it is hard to find a good man..ive got 3 girls and my oldest has cerebral palsy and Seizures and adhd. my middle has adhd and is on meds and she has vision problems which might make her be legally blind when she is older and my yougest has add and separation anxiety sence there father passed away jan 2008...so its really hard 4 me.....and i cant just go and meet up with them and ive been asked to bring my kids and i dont feel comfortable with that..just because i dont want 2 think he could be there new daddy and mess with there heads or they stick around till they realize its 2 much and run. my family told me not 2 say anything but i dont feel thats right because i dont want to waste my time and theirs...man got 2 realize women out here arent all skinny and big breasted and prefect and that the ones that have the special children are the lucky ones and the best ones to be with because if they can handle there gift god gave them they can handle anything..any 4 all the parents with special angles ur the lucky ones...god bless u!
 devine1019
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 50
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 7/28/2009 5:53:04 PM
Like you said, "We live in a free country" so there for this is my page and this is what i have to say and how i feel.. I'm not complaing, far from complaing because i have absolutley nothing to complain about! I just simply stated that i want a man who will accept me and my children. So dont come onto my page and send me a long message when what i wrote has nothing to do with you. You dont even have disabled a child and your one child is grown and gone. There for you have no idea what my life is like. I understand that you dont like what i said but if you dont like it then dont read it.
Thank you and goodbye!
 devine1019
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 52
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 7/29/2009 9:22:02 AM
First of all i didnt say anything rude about anybody and trust me everybody ive showed this to said u were in the wrong not me.. I didnt say one thing about any type of guy just simply stated i want a man who will ACCEPT ME AND MY CHILDREN. Never once did i say anything bad about them except they run away and even with that statement its nothing bad
 myladyshyanne
Joined: 6/18/2009
Msg: 53
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 7/29/2009 2:43:26 PM
Well, I have 5 kids, two of them have ADHD, one of them has Broad Spectrum Autism Disorder, PDD and verbal dyspraxia, and one has Down Syndrome. I have been fortunate enough to meet a couple guys that were accepting of them. The first guy didn't work out, the second one asked me to marry him. So, yes, it is possible to meet that special someone. Just be patient. I also would like to add that I am very up front about it. If someone messages me and is showing interest, I tell them flat out about my kids, and let them know I understand if it's too much. It's important to realize that some men and women just can't handle special needs kids. I'd rather them break it off right away then risk failure later, or maybe worse. Keep looking, someone special is out there for you.

P.S. The guy that asked me to marry him is someone from this site- so yes, there are keepers on here!
 devine1019
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 56
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 7/31/2009 3:22:21 PM
yes it is sad..my ex hubby did that 2 me also when we found out about my daughter ..so he signed off his rights said he didnt want to pay 4 a kid that was sick..so ive raised her by myself till i met my other girls father she was 2.5 yr old and that was her daddy then he passed away in jan 2008..so it was really hard for all my girls.
 myladyshyanne
Joined: 6/18/2009
Msg: 58
Okay, I was wrong...he's a womanizer
Posted: 8/3/2009 8:15:29 PM
I posted earlier telling about a wonderful man from this site who had asked me to marry him.... Weddings off, He's kicked to the curb. Seems he has trouble with honesty and faithfulness. And he blames me for his inability to be a one woman man. I was even willing to forgive him, but he kept lying and couldn't be honest to save his life, even after I confronted him about it. I told him I knew he was going on a date with someone else on Friday (he even cancelled our plans to go meet the woman). He finally did come clean about some of it, but I'm sure there is plenty more I don't know about. I told him we were through, and the whole incident has caused me to doubt whether this site works. Just very frusterating. I guess Im just a butt hole magnet! Message me if you want his I.D. ladies!!!!!! Steer clear!
 myladyshyanne
Joined: 6/18/2009
Msg: 60
Okay, I was wrong...he's a womanizer
Posted: 8/3/2009 9:41:16 PM
Even worse, just yesterday he wanted me to move the wedding date from June of 2010 to September 2009. He lied about everything, from how long he lived in texas, how long he had been single, his brothers birthday, how he lost custody of his kids, and, of course his other women. I just can't believe I fell for the whole "gentleman" act he was playing. I feel like a fool. The thought of dating is starting to make me ill. I wish there was a place to warn other women.
 biscut76
Joined: 8/4/2009
Msg: 62
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 4/18/2010 1:35:15 PM
I just met a wonderful woman who has a child with learning disabuilities I barely know her and her son. I could care less about his disability. I still want to date her and can't wait to meet him. So that just goes to show some people are just scum. Maybe you should raise your standards.
 Lemmons09
Joined: 3/13/2010
Msg: 63
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 4/20/2010 7:41:11 AM
As a single parent with three kids, one a multiply disabled child (full spectrum autism, ADHD, and bi polar) and two foster kids (both with emotional impairments) this is a topic of special interest to me.

It takes a lot of energy and time and love to raise children alone. It took me about two to three years after the death of my first husband before I learned how to do it. I got so good at it, that I no longer wished for a spouse to help me. My reasons were simple: only another parent with disabled kids is unafraid of dealing with the kinds of challenges I have to deal with, and has the skill to do it. The amount of ignorance is unbelieveable, and I've lost interest in providing sensitivity training to anybody I don't have to--I have to do it too often as it is with schools, neighbors and extended family. And further, due to the nature of the disabilities of my kids, my parenting style may be considered somewhat unorthodox-I am not an authoritarian parent, and in my experience with my recent ex husband I was constantly being belittled for my parenting choices (a man who abandoned his own kids telling me how to raise mine)

Single parents with kids who have disabilities face battle after battle, the kinds of challenges that only experience or extended higher education can teach you. It can make you hard as nails, very confident, and can unintentionally intimidate others. I've accepted and even embraced that I will be raising my children on my own. I feel it is highly unlikely I will be lucky enough to find someone who is as strong as I have become and finds me attractive enough to wish to become a member of my crazy family, and who will not feel threatened because I choose not to share parenting privileges with him. what I've got going works for me and the kids and I don't want to upset the applecart. I also don't want to subject my kids to further ignorance and insensitivity from people who think they know how to raise other people's children. (that's something that gets every parent angry). And I don't want to take the risk of falling in love with someone who thinks they are capable handling the whole situation and to only find out they are like 85% of the population and just can't handle it.

Statistics show that disability in a spouse leads to divorce in around 70% of marriages. Not a promising number to say the least, and very likely correlates to a similar statistic for single parents with disabled kids. It's hard work to be a caregiver and while I would be thrilled to find that special someone who will understand both my boundaries and needs, I'm not holding my breath, because I'll surely suffocate.
 daydreamin_honey
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 64
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 9/1/2010 10:28:27 AM
My son is almost 8 and is borderline Asperger's/PDD-NOS and moderate/severe ADHD/ODD. The ADHD is genetic from his father and is an age resistant strain so there is lil hope he will outgrow it. I knew when he was 2 that something was "off" about his behavior and was lucky to have an amazing family doctor that listened to my concerns. They don't diagnose ADHD before age 5 so we had to go thru 3 daycare centers because of his behavior issues and my inability to medicate a 3yo! Once we reached a diagnosis, there was more than expected and we have been researching, treating, trying new treatments, changing diets, medication trials, therapy, etc. etc. ever since.
I don't put this on my profile but I do inform people right up front about it and if they aren't up to the challenge, they aren't worth my time. My children and I are a "package deal" so there's no chance of things working with those particular people. I have gotten the "oh that must be rough", "i'm sorry to hear that", etc. But I don't want anyone's pity, I was hoping to find a man that would be my support, keep me going and remind me of what a precious gift my kids are, special or not.
It was hard to find a man worth my time, sure. My daughter's dad and I were together for 3yrs and all I ever heard from him was how bad my son was and comparing him to his daughter (6mnth age difference). That drove me crazy bc he KNEW that my son was not like his daughter but all he ever did was compare them and my son always came out on bottom.
Don't lose hope, there are people out there that not only want to fit into your life, but welcome special children with open arms. I was lucky enough to find such a fishy and his only complaint is that he can't keep up with my son's bottomless energy! Lol.
 StevieCashmere
Joined: 4/22/2009
Msg: 67
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History
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 11/24/2010 12:54:37 PM
My mate who has Autism with her daughter with mild ADHD, got married & had a 2nd child
The secret wasn't being desperate or pinned all hopes in finding somone

~stevie
 CheezyChick
Joined: 9/23/2009
Msg: 69
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 12/10/2010 9:21:57 PM
Concentrate on yourself and your child...the rest doesn't matter....
 schmat40
Joined: 8/21/2010
Msg: 70
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History
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 12/12/2010 8:02:48 AM
I am matt my son has austism. He is sixteen he he use a pecs to comunicat. He is my world I love him. I know how. You feel god bless you
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 71
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 12/13/2010 10:48:36 AM
This thread started 5 yrs ago. I'm sure that more progress has been made in dealing with autism spectrum disorders.
No one is 'forced' to pay child support or support a disabled child that has reached adulthood. There are programs like Supplemental Security Income that provide a modest income to disabled persons who were never able to work and pay into the employment-based old age/disability pension system.

AND, there is such a thing as long-term dating relationships where marriage or cohabitation are NOT planned goals, the plan is to provide mutual emotional support,adult companionship, physical affection, etc,without formalizing the relationship to the point where anybody's wallet is jeopardized by factors in their partners' lives. As the epidemic of pathological fear of having to actually GIVE something in a relationship(as opposed to just taking) grows, I am sure that these non-cohabiting LTRs will become increasingly common among adults who have concerns about financial risks. I am not, for even one minute, discounting the need for guarding against serious financial risks related to pair-bonding,but when people run away due to being misinformed or underinformed, how is that much of a loss?
To the dads here who are loving and helping their special needs children, kudos. It takes special people to parent special kids.
Cindy O
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 72
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 12/13/2010 11:13:18 AM
No, I'm trying to track down the source of a bad smell-and inaccurate information.I have no wish to date men who are wilfully underinformed.
Sounds like a few people feel that they have been hard done by because the laws require them to contribute to the well being even of their OWN kids.
I don't date men who feel that women are just out to get men's money...because from all I've experienced and heard, men that are over-focused on womens' supposed interest in a man's money,don't have much-or much of anything else-to offer.
The discussion is about dating and relationships for single mothers with special needs. My answer is that is IS indeed difficult because of so many stereotypes and bad information out there. I sought to give BETTER information and point out possible inaccuracies in statements made by other posters.
Cindy O
 ALMOSTABLONDE
Joined: 9/30/2010
Msg: 73
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 1/7/2011 10:17:14 AM
It takes special people to parent special kids.

Well, thank you, times 2...My older son, A, turned 26 last October & happens to have autism, albeit high-functioning. He still lives w/ me & has a job & contributes to the household

My younger son, B, who turned 20 last August, also is autistic & high functioning, but was diagnosed w/ juvenile diabetes right after his 7th birthday. I raised them as a single parent since they were 6 & 12, respectively, on very little $ I might add, w/ very little help in way of respite or childcare. Do you know through that entire trying period, I dated & ALOT? Even the 2 LTRS did NOT lead to cohabitation or marriage. Well, when B turned 18, he wanted to go live w/ Dad. Hehehe, Dad certainly got only a teeny tiny taste of what I went through & B!TCHES about it- turnabout is fair play.
So, now that I an free to come & go as I please & work FT, etc, guess what? hardly any dating! Yep...see, when I was unavailable (sort of) I attracted unavailable men. Now I am available, so the unavailable men who want a fling or short term relationship stay away or I don't tolerate them. When I hear some dad w/ a normal healthy chld whine about how hard it is being a single parent, I'd really like to strangle them-sorry-I'm just being honest
My advice to anyone who has a special needs child is to live your life as full as possible not just for your child, but yourself as well
Good luck everyone
 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 74
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 1/9/2011 6:05:51 PM
If someone's not interested they'll find any reason to leave

If they are interested they'll look for reasons to stay

...and everyone has a point they can't go past, for some that may legitimately be being around people with disabilities... best to find that out near the beginning of any potential relationship anyway, in reality - less chance of deep hurt that way
 Daisyrose73
Joined: 9/23/2010
Msg: 75
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 1/14/2011 9:58:30 AM
My oldest son has autism, high functioning and verbal. I just recently disclosed that fact on my profile because I am a honest person and I like to lay the cards on the table. I also have 2 typical kiddos. I wouldn't want to date someone who didn't know this fact about me because in the long run they deserve to know what they may be getting into and it raises awareness. I wouldn't be the person I am today without my oldest challenging me to advocate, fight tooth and nails for him so that is part of my character.

Mostly men say wow, when do you find time to date but I think that is more about the fact that I have 3 kiddos than my oldest's autism. I explain that the children go to their dad's on the weekends and I do have time in my life.
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