Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Sex and Dating  > 22, Never had a girlfriend      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Vanders Mark
Joined: 5/14/2009
Msg: 51
I'm not looking for sex, I'm looking for a serious, long-term, committed relationship, seriously, woPage 3 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

I'm still a virgin as well


You need to reprogram your beliefs about sexuality....our culture f*cks us all up big time with regards to sexuality....experience doesn't mean anything...it's all about knowledge & beliefs....
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 52
I'm not looking for sex, I'm looking for a serious, long-term, committed relationship, seriously, wo
Posted: 8/30/2009 11:27:14 PM
OP...

I am going to toss my .02 in here.

It could be that you just need a change in scenery. People vary in personality, goals, and ideals based on geographical area.

Perhaps if you were to go somewhere else, it'd be easier for you to find someone you are mutually compatible with.

Ok, that's enough wisdom from 8sf8. I need to go and get my costumes ready for Dragon*con.

;)

-8sf8
 Jackal123
Joined: 7/8/2009
Msg: 53
22, Never had a girlfriend
Posted: 8/30/2009 11:54:15 PM

The thing is I am EXTREMELY confident with women, no problem talking to them, getting there numbers, asking them out. The problem is almost any girl I meet, no matter how much we seem to gel always tells me I'm, "not her type."


While i do think you are embelishing on the "extremely" part, you have to start asking yourself what type of girls you are pursuing. If almost any girl you meet says you aren't her type, you are obviously asking the same types of girls out and need to rethink your strategy. Given that you aren't a bad looking guy and you don't seem to have any huge red flags in your profile, it would behoove you to focus more on finding women who are compatible with you vs just being a hot piece of a$$...which at 22 will be quite the feat.
 andy1961
Joined: 6/15/2006
Msg: 54
view profile
History
I'm not looking for sex, I'm looking for a serious, long-term, committed relationship, seriously, wo
Posted: 8/31/2009 12:39:24 AM

It could be that you just need a change in scenery. People vary in personality, goals, and ideals based on geographical area.

Perhaps if you were to go somewhere else, it'd be easier for you to find someone you are mutually compatible with



Yep, he should also seriously think about heading off to some far off planet outwith our solar system where women outnumber men by 1000/1. Maybe then he'll get a girlfriend!

Honestly 8soldierfalcon8, that's not good advice.

Are you seriously suggesting he moves from area to area - or even goes on a worldwide "tour" - until he finds a country/race/colony, where he "fits in" and hopefully finds someone he's "mutually compatible with"?

The OP is only 22. Travelling and embracing other cultures is a great idea at that age, but it won't help him understand himself and where he thinks he's going wrong with women.
 _jay_see_
Joined: 11/24/2007
Msg: 55
I'm not looking for sex, I'm looking for a serious, long-term, committed relationship, seriously, wo
Posted: 8/31/2009 1:17:43 AM

Yep, he should also seriously think about heading off to some far off planet outwith our solar system where women outnumber men by 1000/1. Maybe then he'll get a girlfriend!

Sorry to be cynical, but even if women did outnumber men 1000/1, girls would still share the alpha males and guys like me & him wouldn't be able to find anyone.
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 56
I'm not looking for sex, I'm looking for a serious, long-term, committed relationship, seriously, wo
Posted: 8/31/2009 2:34:21 AM
^^^ Part of being an Alpha is attitude.

Listen to yourselves.

If you don't think you're a good catch, and you do find some girl to date, that is doing her a huge disservice. Think of how disrespectful that is. If you think you are a Beta, and less worth dating, if some girl does like you and dates you, you're automatically making HER less with your own views of yourself.

NOT attractive, buddy.

Bad self esteem is not attractive to either gender. Power is always attractive.

And I still stand by what I said with moving. I was 21 before I even started dating. But because I had been all over the world, I had the confidence, and the wisdom to jump in pretty quickly. And people in different parts of the country DO act differently and have different values. It's possible the OP is a black sheep where he is now, but would fit right in somewhere else.
 angels_fly
Joined: 4/20/2006
Msg: 57
22, Never had a girlfriend
Posted: 8/31/2009 3:01:11 AM
Well I read most of the comments and I think most of them are correct. But no one touched the subject of looks. May be you should work out at the gym, get a really hot body for summer and go stroll around the beach?? Cut your hair, get laser hair removal (personally I hate hair I'd rather go for the non har magazine look). Get a new sense of style, a nice shirt, jeans, belt, shoes. I do like when guys know how to dress and present themselves. I do not like the unkept look, it's dirty makes you think you didn't shower for ages.

Anyway this is what everybody else left out. I would have given you all the vulnerability lecture, but looks do matter at the end of the day too... Especially if you need to introduce your gf to your girlfriends. Who will be talking about him for ages. Yes you need to please the girlsfriends too, they can really be cruicial in keeping you in the relationship. I persoanlly dumped one of my bfs because my friend thought he was just not good enough, and I was blind not to see it. She was right!!!
 Erinlove
Joined: 11/30/2008
Msg: 58
I'm not looking for sex, I'm looking for a serious, long-term, committed relationship, seriously, wo
Posted: 8/31/2009 7:57:39 AM
There is a type of beta male that can get women. "Her boy", the one that does whatever she says, never disagrees with her and is at her beck and call. You don't want to be that guy lol. She will cling when she is hurt or needs something but when she is happy she will do the unemployed biker down the street.
But lots of women marry these types, if they are ready.
 _jay_see_
Joined: 11/24/2007
Msg: 59
I'm not looking for sex, I'm looking for a serious, long-term, committed relationship, seriously, wo
Posted: 8/31/2009 8:03:00 AM

"Her boy"

If you're a beta male, thats definitely a relationship to avoid (unless you enjoy that kind of thing).

It'll drain your bank account.

Thank god I've never gone near a woman like that!
 Drusurfer06
Joined: 8/11/2009
Msg: 60
I'm not looking for sex, I'm looking for a serious, long-term, committed relationship, seriously, wo
Posted: 8/31/2009 9:50:31 AM
Usually almost all the time, the woman has to accept or refuse.
 big pacific
Joined: 7/2/2009
Msg: 61
view profile
History
I'm not looking for sex, I'm looking for a serious, long-term, committed relationship, seriously, wo
Posted: 8/31/2009 2:06:48 PM
Theres a legit thread asking for advice, advice is given from us that have what they want, instead they grandstand and complain about social constucts that most likely won't change.

If what you are doing isn't working, wouldn't it make sense to adapt?
 Drusurfer06
Joined: 8/11/2009
Msg: 62
22, Never had a girlfriend
Posted: 8/31/2009 2:45:23 PM
Well I am, and I'm sure most of these men here have been getting to work for years now, it's just we don't know how to do it the right way.
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 63
22, Never had a girlfriend
Posted: 8/31/2009 3:28:56 PM
^^^ There is no right way.

Women are compliant. Invite a girl over, and tell her to take her clothes off.

You may be surprised by how quick she is to obey.

Well... always worked for me that way, anyway. Just about any girl I have ever dated knew what "coming over to cuddle/snuggle" meant, and they either accepted or did not accept based on whether they were ready to mambo.

The only way to learn how to swim is to just jump into the water. If you're nervous, supply alchohol for her, and for you.

-8sf8

*Watch some of the older ladies jump all over me like spider monkeys for this, but I am speaking the truth. Seriously though... where are all these dudes' guy friends to tell them this stuff? I don't want to have to give away ALL the guy secrets on POF! lol

-------------------------------------

One last piece of advice. Women are people.

This seems obvious, but for virgin guys, women can often seem like mystical, magical creatures with mysterious ways that only other men know how to program.

The sooner you start seeing women as people, who you can be friends with, and get to know, the sooner you will start getting laid.

Chicks don't like a guy who treats/looks at them like they're aliens..
 Uncle Fist
Joined: 12/18/2006
Msg: 64
22, Never had a girlfriend
Posted: 8/31/2009 4:32:58 PM
Luck is for people who don't understand science.

Whatever your problem is, it can be identified and fixed if you're truly open enough to understanding it. The problem is (and perhaps this doesn't apply to you, but it seems to apply to 99% of the guys that post threads like this), people are generally only looking for certain advice that coincides with what they already think and believe. Ironically, it's often the things they are quick to disregard and ignore that are the ones that have the most potential to help them.

Without seeing you in action, it would be hard for me to help isolate what your problem is, but if you're as confident and outgoing as you say you are, then I'm probably going to side with oohlala21 and say it's likely a misfire in your social grace.





Well it is very difficult to not be desperate if you have been single your whole life, c'mon, an overwhelming majority of people have their very first boyfriend/girlfriend as teenagers, in high school, I hate being a late bloomer with a passion.


The thing you need to realize is that there is no bigger attraction killer than desperation. The longer you obssess about how long you've been single, the longer it will be before you find what you're looking for.

You clearly value women (all women) more than you value yourself. You're so desparate to have any kind of a mate that you're willing to take whatever you can get. The only standard you seem to have is that she's female and likes you. This is why it seems so unfair that it's "so much easier" for women. Because it doesn't account for having any kind of standards. It's operating under the notion that anything is better than nothing. Truthfully, most people value themselves enough to set reasonable standards for what they want rather than just accepting whatever comes along.

Your life should be full and happy by yourself. A mate should merely be icing on the cake of an already great life. It shouldn't be the sole determining factor between happiness and misery. Until you value yourself enough to build a fulfilling quality life that you can enjoy on your own, you're going to stay exactly where you are right now.
 _jay_see_
Joined: 11/24/2007
Msg: 65
22, Never had a girlfriend
Posted: 8/31/2009 8:01:38 PM

Women are compliant. Invite a girl over, and tell her to take her clothes off.

You may be surprised by how quick she is to obey.

That only works for popular guys like you.

It's pretty obvious to the average guy that it's just not that easy.


The sooner you start seeing women as people, who you can be friends with, and get to know, the sooner you will start getting laid.

Not necessarily.

Just because you know them doesn't mean they see you in a sexual way. Unless you're popular or have natural charm, they're going to automatically default to the "non-sexual friendship" paradigm.
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 66
22, Never had a girlfriend
Posted: 9/1/2009 12:27:12 AM
I am still LOL-ing at someone calling me "popular".

ROFLCOPTERS!

Dude, I am a geek. Yes, I am sexy as hell, but that has come from maturity, intelligence, and common human decency over 27 years of hard living.

Self confidence is a must for dating. Even if you're shy, you have to believe in yourself, and love yourself... or you won't have any to give someone else.

Just listen to some of you. You talk about women like they're animals. You have female posters giving you advice and you're refusing to take it.

What more do you want, than advice from the proverbial horse's mouth!?

I have obviously gotten laid, and been in relationships. So why are some of you so quick to shrug off my advice? Seriously? I am going to Dragon*con and dressing up as a fukcing Sith with a shock staff! Plus, I am not a nice person, and poor right now... and yet somehow girls like me.

It's not that hard. Seriously. If you do activities where you have fun, and work on yourself as a person, relationships will happen naturally.

If you DON'T have fun doing anything, never leave the house, and hate yourself.... who the fukc is going to want to date you? If that's the case, you need counseling. Not a gf.

And if you are an emotional sponge... and never happy... if you really like someone, do you really want to wish that upon her life?

Seriously people! If you're happy about life, and you like yourself, it's really not that hard to attract other people.

-8sf8


Also nerdyloser, your profile is one of the creepiest things I have seen here. I thought I had a fair amount of self-pity, but *sheesh*


Agreed.

Also - one last piece of advice. My friends in the past have asked me my "secret".

My reply?

"I tell b1tches like it is. I don't sugar coat anything, I don't change my personality, and I don't give a sh1t that they have t1ts or azz while I am talking to them. I just try to be their friend - nothing more."

Surprise surprise, not many girls meet a guy who really tries to get the know the real them. And as a result, I have to beat women off of me with a stick on a consistant basis.

I chose a long time ago to never break hearts, and never use my power over women for evil. It's called morality. I embrace it.
 Drusurfer06
Joined: 8/11/2009
Msg: 67
22, Never had a girlfriend
Posted: 9/1/2009 12:30:31 AM
I'm sorry for my bad temper, it's just frustrating that us men almost all the time have to be the ones to make the first move and ask the girl out, initiate the date and relationship, because not all of us guys know how to play our cards right.
 Drusurfer06
Joined: 8/11/2009
Msg: 68
22, Never had a girlfriend
Posted: 9/1/2009 10:36:18 AM
I am completely aware of the fact that desperation is one of the biggest turn-offs, but it is very difficult to not be desperate, and I am not as desperate as you are making it out to be, I will not take just any girl, I want her to be the right girl, cute, decent looking, great personality, many things in common.
 spitfire6844
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 69
view profile
History
22, Never had a girlfriend
Posted: 9/1/2009 11:37:53 AM

it's just frustrating that us men almost all the time have to be the ones to make the first move and ask the girl out, initiate the date and relationship, because not all of us guys know how to play our cards right.


The word "frustrating", which you used, is an interesting word. It comes from the Latin root "fraus", which is akin to our English words "fraud", "fraudulent", etc. Somehow, your thought process is telling you that men's naturally greater assertiveness and initiative capacity lead to dating efforts which don't pay off---in other words, fraudulent hopes leading to disappointing results. Nothing could be further from the truth. The assertive guys actually get the women. Period. There's nothing frustrating about us guys taking the initiative at all. It's the passive guys whom are often frustrated. Remember that an occasional rejection is not frustration. If a woman turns down your advances, it's merely a confirmation that she's not a good match. There are always more women than men everywhere in almost every context, so there are plenty more prospects to reach out to. You merely move on to the next prospect.

You don't have to start out "playing all your cards right". Dating is about consistently reaching out to girls because you're attracted to them; learning in the process what works and doesn't work; and continuing to initiate contacts/meetings/dates until you find a good match. It's like anything else in life, you start out with small steps and incrementally move on to bigger steps. Just feeling comfortable calling women you know platonically for short, friendly conversations can be a significant first step. Spend a few weeks or months doing that consistently. Next step would be initiating get-togethers for coffee or drinks---again, short, daytime meetings where you just talk as friends. Spend a few weeks or months getting comfortable initiating coffee meetings with women you know. Next, you would slowly move toward initiating more romantic outings a woman you could conceivably build a relationship with. Ideally, this process should have happened during your teen years, but it's not too late to start now.

Somewhere along the way, you conditioned yourself to believe that guys shoulder some kind of burden in having to initiate relationships with women. Being assertive, for dudes, is not a burden at all. The burden comes in having, as a male, all the genetic and biochemical resources to be assertive and not being assertive because your thinking is messed up. I would think that would be a huge burden. Your thinking needs to change if you want to develop successful relationships.
 Drusurfer06
Joined: 8/11/2009
Msg: 70
22, Never had a girlfriend
Posted: 9/1/2009 2:13:25 PM
I wish I knew why it did not happen in my teen years, when you said that assertive men get the women, not all the time, because even if a man is confident and assertive, he is still going to risk getting rejected.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 71
22, Never had a girlfriend
Posted: 9/1/2009 2:46:21 PM

he is still going to risk getting rejected


So what? A baseball star gets 1 hit out of 3 or 4 and he is great. That means he fails the other 2 to 3 times.

If you go to a mall and people watch for awhile. You will see all kinds of couples. Some large men with thin women or thin men with large women. Some nerdy looking (which is actually in style these days) with model looking and so on and so on. If you think it's the way you look you are wrong. It's the way you act or the way you are.

If you act anywhere near the way you are acting here on POF in your day to day life, it's not a wonder you haven't had a girlfriend. I'd have to question the sanity of any woman on POF that went out with you after reading your posts. You need to get a grip.

You recognize that you have criteria for whom you would like to date. You wouldn't go out with just any woman. Well the same applies to the women out there. They get to make choices too. Just like you.

I'm not sure how aware of it you are. If you can actually step back and look at yourself objectively. You are kinda scarry dude. You are probably scarring the women away. People here have tried to help you. Pointed you to websites, books, etc. You don't seem to want to have any part of it. You better do something. I am thinking going to a therapist would be worth the investment.
 Vanders Mark
Joined: 5/14/2009
Msg: 72
22, Never had a girlfriend
Posted: 9/1/2009 5:38:34 PM
Alright...you know what? I'm 27 and I've never had a f*ckin' girlfriend...but it doesn't matter to me...I've got healthy beliefs about sexuality...I've learned a thing or two about myself...and I'll tell you amazing things can happen when you tap into your hard wired urges to be assertive....

I'll bet the dude complaining in here has some kind of warped fantasy about women jumping him....I thought about that when I was young too....You have no idea how powerfully you'll respond if you assume your "roll" take control and allow a woman to surrender to you.....once you experience this you'll realize it was in you all along....it was just social conditioning that f*cked you up....oh and you'll never go back...



he is still going to risk getting rejected

You need to get out of your own head and tap into what she's saying without speaking a word...if you can start to read women...you'll never get "rejected" even if she's not available because you'll know damn well there's chemistry between you


<div class='quote'>and never use my power over women for evil.
Careful there...it's not about having power over women...if you think you have power over women...that would suggest that you're doing something to manipulate them... It's all about having personal power...simply knowing who you are and respecting yourself and others....
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 73
22, Never had a girlfriend
Posted: 9/1/2009 5:49:15 PM
^^^ If you've never had a gf... you really don't have much of a leg to stand on for giving relationship advice.

That said, all initial attraction is about manipulation - whether its conscious or subconscious.

Relationships and sex are not beatiful things. The love that comes out of them can be beautiful... but love can cause lots of pain and heartache too... even murder.

See... this is what I am talking about. If people are virgins for too long, their "reality meter" goes all over the place into the fanciful.

Sex is fun, but it's violent. It's gratifying beause otherwise, without those biological imperitives, we would not breed.

Relationships suck, because the whole thing is a huge mind fukc for both people. Dating is even worse because you're meeting someone new and you cannot know all the rules yet.

So why do we date?

Because life in general sucks, and having to deal with it along, without someone at your side is even worse. Part of being human is trying to grab what little glimmers of happiness you can when they present themselves.

I know that this is a jagged pill, and kind of negative, but it's true.

People who wait their whole lives for an angelic chorus to just drop the girl/boy of their dreams in their arms, while they are at home watching reality tv shows....

Are the people who don't date until they hit 40, discover their biological clock ticking, and then take the first bucket of yuck who comes along.

:/

-8sf8
 Vanders Mark
Joined: 5/14/2009
Msg: 74
22, Never had a girlfriend
Posted: 9/1/2009 6:08:01 PM

^^^ If you've never had a gf... you really don't have much of a leg to stand on for giving relationship advice.


This isn't about "relationship" advice...it's about sexuality advice...because we all know that anybody that's getting all wound up about never having a gf at 20+ is basically saying "I think I'm f*cked because I'm a virgin and our culture tells me I'm done for because I'm a virgin"

I've made a strong connection with a woman...and I've discovered the truth about how we respond sexually...and that's a WAY better leg to stand on then some cynical dude who's been in relationships but winds up single and says:


Relationships suck, because the whole thing is a huge mind fukc for both people.


I've spent my entire dating life reflecting on myself...discovering myself...and appreciating myself because of myself...and having experienced that connection and knowing what's possible...and realizing how good it was when I really didn't even scratch the surface....that's put me in the best mindset for a relationship.....

It can be hard to sit by yourself...go inwards and face your deamons...just look at all these people window shopping around here....
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 75
22, Never had a girlfriend
Posted: 9/1/2009 7:25:17 PM
^^^ I'm cycnical because I thought I found the love of my life, and she ended up going (literally) crazy and ruining my life.

Nothing is set in stone. Nothing is a sure thing.

The most "perfect" thing in the world can wind up ending through a tragic car accident.

I just don't see any value in waiting anymore. Feel me?

-8sf8
Show ALL Forums  > Sex and Dating  > 22, Never had a girlfriend