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 AUTHOR
 Lint Spotter
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 53
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The real problem with relationships today.Page 2 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

Maybe a smashing of the economy will bring everyone's expectations in line. Maybe not.
Not just maybe not... absolutely not.

More than ever I've noticed people have a sense of entitlement in what they are willing to accept in a partner. The ones that are thriving are looking down on the ones that are floundering economically.

Regard for humanity has diminished more in the past year than I've seen in the previous ten...
 JustMary65
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 54
The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/30/2009 3:56:36 PM
Perhaps, and I can only speak for myself, is that my personal expectations from a mate just seem either too high, not high enough or even necessary. I have found myself in a relationship that is close to 6 yrs old and it is no more 'problem free' than when it first began.

Even as I write this our relationship is being crippled by his silence and my stubborn nature prevents me from breaking it. The sad irony is we talk a lot, and generally communicate effectively on topics we both have a comfort level with except when it comes to the l o v e word.

Perhaps the fact he's been a bachelor most of his life...I'm a single mom...he lives in one state and I in another contribute to it...but all I do know is...when it's working its spot on---however when it is not---my heart aches.

My sister said it best--when the world is offered so much immediate gratification, it's very easy to see why folks don't stick with, stay with or even try to make a go of it when there is always some one who might be better than you---sad, but does have a ring of truth to it.
 *topchef*
Joined: 8/2/2008
Msg: 55
The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/30/2009 3:59:39 PM
^^^"There came a time when staying tight within the bud became more painful than the strain it took to blossom." -Anais Nin ...

Sometimes, we are compelled to wait until the pressure gets to be more than we can stand until we push aside our fears and confront the obstacles we face in our relationships.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 56
The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/30/2009 4:11:04 PM
My take would be the selection process itself is a big thing that's wrong. Someone will "click" well with another, and jump into a relationship too soon... and then come to find out "Why did I even go out with him/her??" They clicked well, and wanted it to be a great match (they're hot, their family's great, they're FINALLY someone who likes [this-or-that]), when, on the surface it would be, but not when the roots are dug in. In essence, impatience to be in one.

On the opposite end I think some people stay in relationships when they're not right, but have been told that it's "okay" to be in a mild content-but-not-bad relationship. And holding the belief that you have to "work to make things work", to such a degree, it's a part time job and drags them down. Underneath it all, they're not that happy, but loneliness scares the hell out of them, and they're attached like super-velcro... so the relationship continues on until it slowly erodes away, or something "gives" when one person snaps into reality and is willing to leave.

And of course, for the short-term relationships, there's the "trade-in/trade-up" mentality. Someone's excited about someone else, they have a relationship to scratch their itch of being in one, then they're like "Oh... now what? I don't feel any butterflies. I got butterflies from Joe at work. I'm not happy..." I think this is impatience of leaving it, and you can thank all the Romantic Comedies for brainwashing people into "RomCom Robots". :)
 curlygrl
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 57
The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/30/2009 5:20:07 PM
What I said on Page one:

<div class='quote'>There will always be many root causes because not only are people not alike that come together but relationships with different people are not alike.

Take for example you and I. Would we have the same relationship As your last- no because I'm not that girl. My behaviors would be different and your reactions to me and my behaviors would be so to the question-

The root cause for every relationship imploding or lasting is different. Depends on the two people involved.

Your conclusion OP on page 3:


<div class='quote'> I guess a common denominator is that you are trying to take 2 different individuals with different histories in relationships and try and mold them into a "functioning" one.

Pretty similar huh? 4 pages and I told you this on page 1 without all that - you
know crap for filler.

Glad you could come to this conclusion and glad I had nothing to do with it.

Stick with me - I am the girl guru - I can explain E V E R Y T H I N G.

Good reading by the way. A little deep but good non the less.
Sorry - My quotes are not working.
 Lara18
Joined: 7/14/2009
Msg: 58
The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/30/2009 8:58:14 PM
First, forgive me for not posting a photo. I assure you all there is a reason and when I'm ready to re-enter (yes re-enter) the dating arena I will post one again. For now, though, I'd like to respond to the question of the day - our opinions as to why relatsionhips fail. I think many people have set their standards so high that it's unrealistic and therefore doomed to failure. You're visual and looking for the perfect mate. But there is no such thing. When you realize that your gorgeous Miss America has no personality or isn't self-sufficient, or you discover that your Mr. Adonis can't hold a job longer than a month, you freak. I agree with what others have said, too, about individuals who don't take responsibility for their actions and about how we've built a culture of nstant gratification. Relationships need time to fully develope but no one is willing to take the time, no one has the patience to take their time to get to know their potential partner. And few are willing to compromise.
 Virlaceygo
Joined: 7/21/2009
Msg: 59
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The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/30/2009 9:18:18 PM
I pretty much agree with Rickeyes58 when he says the problems with relationships today are selfishness and the desire for immediate gratification. But, I would add that we are a very disposable society. Don't like your car? Get a new one. Don't try to get it fixed. Takes too much time and energy. Don't like your spouse? Get a new one. Don't waste your time and energy trying to fix it because God forbid that you might have to change or be responsible for fixing something in which you have no interest fixing. Just get a better model, someone who doesn't know you.
I think... no, I know we spend more time and energy trying to find Mr. or Ms. Perfect for our standards than trying to make ourselves the kind of person with whom others would like to spend their time.
I think Dr. Phil has a point when he says, "You either have to make the right decision, or make the decision right." Make it work. Don't sit back and expect others to please you. You get what you give.
The reason people cheat on their partners has nothing to do with the partner. How and with whom I spend my time is my choice. What I do with my time, money and genitals is my choice. I can play the Victim and blame someone else, or I can do my absolute best to be the best person I can be and to fix the problem so that if I am not successful at fixing the problem, I can say with a clear conscience, "I tried everything I could," and decide where to go from there. If I am not the best person I can be, I cannot mould myself into someone with whom another person would want to be.
Commitment is a big part of a relationship. The more I am committed to a relationship, the more I have invested, and the more I want it to work. The less I am committed, the less I have invested, and I don't care too much if it doesn't work.
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 63
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The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/31/2009 7:15:39 AM
Part or the relationship problem is that attitudes have changed. Many of those from the 50's and earlier have managed to keep their relationships going. In my family , my two oldest brothers have been married 34 and 25 years, My self and my sister- the younger, have had divorce and long term relationship break up.


We get so into our "non-trusting mode" that we get to the point where we believe we can do it all ourselves.... that we don't need anyone else.... that we are totally and completely self-sufficient. And as Miss Contemplative said post #8, it is all being fed by our money hungry corporate culture....

There's a lot of money in the "love" arena. And they'll be happy to keep you all wondering, scared, insecure, hopeful, anxious to find that mate. To find an idea that doesn't exist.


True but there's another industry - the divorce industry- that needs to make money too. How much do you think lawyers make doing this? And encouraging couples to fight to the death all resulting in more billable hours. This and the popular media also encourage people to become dissatisfied in the relationships they have, look for that fairy tale when they go through a rough patch and just cut and run.

This also creates more households required for people to live in and adds to consumption and the economy. It also recycles some folks back through the marriage industry again. Who knows- it may help get America (and Canada) back on its feet- LOL.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 67
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The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/31/2009 11:49:28 AM
I think problems almost always come down to selfishness.

Too many people put themselves first, and ask what they're getting out of a relationship, but often do not ask what they're giving.

If you care about your partner, you try to create conditions in which they will be happy and grow, through loving words and actions. They should be doing the same for you.

It only takes one partner to wreck the potential for happiness. Both must act at least somewhat selflessly some of the time in order to support the relationship, and ultimately such behavior results in getting your own needs met in a healthy relationship.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 68
The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/31/2009 11:55:50 AM

In my opinion, we are all so worried about 'not needing' someone, and being independant that we close ourselves off from being vulnerable.


This is the best definition so far.
 One_2_One
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 73
The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/31/2009 4:26:36 PM
Internet Dating - not what I expected when I posted my first profile for sure (LOL).

Patience - Well I'm still here (on POF since '06) so I must have some.

Narcissism - Freud believed that some narcissism is an essential part of all of us from birth. A reasonable amount of healthy narcissism allows the individual's perception of his needs to be balanced in relation to others. The key here is balance.

Greed - Greed caused the downfall of Wall St. and the ripple effect it had on so many businesses, unemployment, real estate (on an on). Noting all that though I still see more generosity than greed in humankind. The good stuff just doesn't get written about.

Independence - I think this is a very big factor as women became more empowered. Now that many of us are "independent" and don't rely on a man to support us we have don't "need" a husband but may still desire marriage, family, etc. The thing is if we aren't successful in finding a mate we now have the choice to have children and raise them solo. We DO want to give and receive love however and that will never change. So relationships are changing. Marriage isn't dead but it has had to move over to make room for other relationship norms.

Fear - Yes, I think that's a major factor underlying relationship issues and every other issue on this planet.

The economy - Any major crisis that occurs is a challenge to relationships.

I would like to add one more to the list and that is unrealistic expectations in relationships. I think when we are looking to meet someone we have our initial list of must haves. Once we start dating someone we add a few more to the list. Usually in the honeymoon stage of relationship both parties are often willing to meet at least some of those expectations and more importantly to overlook the rest. If we make it to a long term relationship that list gets bigger. Unfortunately, we aren't good at accepting our mate's differences. That doesn't mean becoming a doormat for their decisions/lifestyle but may be why many relationships don't last. Sometimes we just outgrow each other or one outgrows the other in some cases but the result is the same. I don't define that as failure but as change. I agree so much with one of the other posts who said something to the effect that the definition of relationships is changing. That's why more people are staying single even though they may desire to marry and have children. I think we were born to free ourselves from false expectations but first we have to know what is true for us right now, be accepting of others and open to change for ourselves and others. One of my favorite sayings is "Learn to dance on the shifting carpet".
 manowar10
Joined: 10/31/2007
Msg: 75
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The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 9/2/2009 7:12:54 AM
I agree selishness is the problem period.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 76
The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 9/2/2009 7:40:07 AM
You can be in lust and you can be in love. I have experienced both and while being in lust can be easily forgotten as you move to the next person, being in love is more difficult, because contrary to what others say here, being in love is not temporary, it is an emotion that stays with you for a long time. Even when you love one person with all you got, and is over you will will have that type of love as part of you for ever. You will forge another love with someone else, but it will be a completely different emotion.

Now, why do relationships seem to fail so much. We can blame so many things, and in a way they are all contributing factors. But to me it seems that we want everything to be perfect, and drama free, and be in a perpetual state of honey moon, and the moment some of those things begin to waver, the other person takes off. So even more than a lack of communication, the main problem is a lack of or willingness to endure the tough times. And to work for, when times are tough to keep the image of the good times. Instead, when one partner jabs at the other people tend to retaliate by isolating themselves. I am guilty of this and my partner was guilty of this as well. Unfortunately then we engage in distorted thinking instead of communicating and at that point everything you is only a downward spiral.

Unfortunately, when it comes to relationships we are all in general very stupid, we would rather stay in a bad relationship than end it. It is our nature, at least for men, to try to fix it. So we go over and over again how to make it right. Women do this as well, but I've noticed that when women emotionally shut down. It's a done deal.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 77
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The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 9/2/2009 7:55:39 AM

I really want to know what people think will help us get over the hurdle and into healthy functioning relationships.

When we stop looking to one person to fulfill all of our needs and accept them for who they are. No one is perfect, least of all ourselves, so it is insanity to expect someone to perfectly respond to us and our needs every time out of the gate. I would argue you're a good way into healthy and functional relationships the more you are willing to give space to someone's humanity and the foibles that are part of the package.

Willingness and connection are key.
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 80
The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 9/2/2009 9:10:44 AM

It is good to be wise in the ways of love, but I think as we age we seek maybe "too much" from potential suitors. The lists being so long that even we forget what requirements there are for the other person.


I think this is pretty close to the mark.

There is an attitude that people have to have it all. ALL of the list must be met perfectly. If a couple hits a rough patch, one or the other decides that the perfection of the "coupleness" has been breached and is, therefore, not worth keeping.

Expectations of what a couple is is whacky these days.

If I think of the couples I know who've made it long-term, there is an acceptance that it ain't ever gonna be all peaches, cream and sparks forevermore. There is a willingness to accommodate a partner rather than toss that partner on the trash heap.


 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 86
The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 9/2/2009 1:25:51 PM

Most people can be catoragized into two places. Givers and takers. Levels of selfishness are in both categories, BUT the taker tends to overwhelm the giver until the giver has been sucked dry. Once that happens the realtionship takes a serious turn for the worse, but its usually too late. The giver may try to communicate with the taker about what's happened (both their faults by the way) but by then it's too late because the taker is entrenched in their ways. Selffishness is the root cause in a BIG way.


I don't know that it's really that black and white, nor can we jump to the conclusion that people that take more then give are deemed as selfish.. It always takes two for a selfish act to occur. If "givers" can balance their giving it would sure make room for the "takers" to give back..In other words when givers give too much they don't give much room to for the other to give back.

Giving and Taking both are both equally rewarding. Real selfishness is when you don't allow others the same reward. Off course most people don’t’ realize the real course, so you end up with each partner feeling the opposite extremes, one ends up with the guilt of feeling ‘selfish’ and the other ends up with the ‘nice’ guy tag..Neither of these EXTREME opposites will be able to function as one, until such balance is found. Then there are couples, rare but they do exist, where the focus isn’t on the balance itself, nor are tally’s kept, because these people are giving without expectations, therefore they will never fill ‘empty’ regardless how much they give.
 TopChuck
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 87
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The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 9/2/2009 4:14:46 PM

What is the root cause of the majority of relationship failures today?

Men and women don't know how to love each other.

They love each other naturally at the start of the relationship, but each defines being loved by different criteria.

One stops loving, leaving the other feeling unloved.

The unloved one tries to show the other one how they want to be loved, by loving in their own way.

Then the one who stopped loving originally, feels unloved and tries to show the other how they want to be loved, by loving in their own way.

Neither feels loved, because they are now loving the other in a way that doesn't make the other feel loved.

Goodbye, relationship.

.
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 91
The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 9/3/2009 9:37:04 AM

Communication.

Doesn't it ALL come down to that?

Is that not the Hub of the broken wheel?


It may be the hub, but I am not convinced that what people refer to as communication is the panacea that it's made out to be.

I think learning to shut up is just as important.

My experience with women and communication while in a relationship is that they want to communicate AT you, not WITH you. That distinction is rather significant.

 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 92
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The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 9/3/2009 2:09:19 PM

Communication.

Doesn't it ALL come down to that?

Nah, I don't think so. Or at least, "communication" is too broad of a plank to be useful.

People talk... some better than others.
Some talk AT you and some talk WITH you - and I agree with Capitano that the distinction is really important.

The communication issue really is one of INTERPRETATION. Someone heard you just fine and can even repeat back what you said, but how they have interpreted it - the meanings they have given it - are way, way off from how you feel/think/meant.

They'll hang in and work out the interpretation problem:
* If they're still willing,
* If they are more focused on understanding rather than being right,
 untamedspirit009
Joined: 6/10/2009
Msg: 93
The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 9/3/2009 7:49:31 PM
What is the root cause of the majority of relationship failures today?

1. Open, honest communications
2. Lack of being responsible for one's own actions.(example: the blame game)
 mcwr
Joined: 3/24/2009
Msg: 94
The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 9/3/2009 7:52:03 PM

So... again, my question is really simple. What is the root cause of the majority of relationship failures today? In your opinion


The problem is making bad choices. Most people make bad choices when they are young, but a lot keep making them over and over again.
 koreanwoman
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 95
The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 9/3/2009 11:35:57 PM
Lack of Communication (In-Person and Cell Phone), Non-Common Interests (Sexual and Non-Sexual), Non-Compromise, Addictions (Alcohol, Meth, Pot, Porn, WoW/LOTR, Food, Cam2Cam, Texting and etc.) and Television
 koreanwoman
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 96
The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 9/4/2009 12:02:11 AM
Also...Trust (is earned, not...given), Jealousy, Health, Image and Un-Realistic/Fantasy (rather than...Reality) - In general, ANYTHING, may cause problems in a relationship. It all depends upon each individual and what he or she feels, is (or are)....A Problem/Problems.
 motownmaniax
Joined: 8/13/2006
Msg: 98
The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 9/7/2009 2:27:40 AM
I was wondering when politics would intrude.

Whoever is US president, or sitting on the local water and sewage board for that matter, has no bearing on finding relationship success. That goes to whether you’re a Democrat, Republican, liberal, conservative, green, or polka-dot…lol.

Anyway, quick scan of the thread reveals causes I agree with. Various post snippets:


1. Open, honest communications
2. Lack of being responsible for one's own actions.(example: the blame game)

The "root" cause of relationship failures in today's society?
In my humble opinion, it is trust.... or lack therof.

It is easier to keep going for the sex, without the emotional ties... without dealing with their own emotional issues... than it is to deal with whatever is causing them to go for the wrong kind of person.... and they keep repeating the same patterns.

IMO, one word......................... Selfishness, in our "instant gratification society" it's just so much easier to quit.


I’ll add this seeming mass societal dementia of complete denial about what people really want out of a relationship, who they’re compatible with, and what they bring to the table. In almost all cases, people are OVER-INLFATED about themselves. Maybe more people in this society need a good kick in the pants with simple humility and modesty.
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 100
The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 9/7/2009 6:04:20 AM
Most of us are way too selfish.
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