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 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 28
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but you walked in his home one morning and found him looking on this site and talking with a women he had known since before you met him..but always said he was not talking to anyone...now the conversation was a little racey but not too much...would you call him a cheater? a lier, and break up with him?

It is this part I'd want to explore:
"He always said he was not talking to anyone"
OK, they don't agree on what this means, or had differing expectations. This suggests they had prior conversations about his continuing membership on POF. Because "he always said" suggests they had conversations, and more than one or two. What were they? Did they have an understanding of what his involvement on POF meant?
In that case, his being on the site was no surprise, then was it? UNLESS she had thought (assumed) he had stopped visiting the site because it hadn't been a continuing topic of conversation. Was it because it didn't occur to him to mention it, or was it because he was keeping it a secret?

When he said "he was not talking to anyone" did he mean he wasn't talking to anyone new? Did it mean he wasn't talking to anyone in an "exploring the possibility of dating" sense? In that case, talking to an old friend wasn't a lie. It may not have occurred to him continuing a preexisting friendship (that she knew about) might be considered a lie or a cheat by her.

As others have said, it sounds from your OP that she knew he had friends here. Sooooo, I gather she didn't like the nature of the conversation, or didn't like seeing it is continuing. Perhaps she feels he was keeping it a secret.

I would have a talk with him about what our mutual expectations are and get them in alignment. From the conclusions I've drawn from your OP, I wouldn't consider him a liar or a cheat... but she's clearly upset and surprised, and that's a problem they'll need to resolve. I don't like secrets in a relationship and won't tolerate them. I don't keep them and I expect my partner to be equally open and revealing.

BTW, my partner and I are both on POF for the forums and we each have developed both male and female friends. He flirts with women in posts for all to see and also, in a similar vein, with friends in emails (which he reads to me). It's right out there in the open and both of us are happy with where we have drawn the boundary lines. He's become friends with most of my friends on POF and has, through the connections he has developed, introduced me to new people here.

I'm first with him, as he is with me, and we're both secure in each others' love and regard. I suspect THAT might be what your friends primary concern is... "What does this say about our relationship and where do I stand with him?" << and that is a conversation they need to have.
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 29
peeking on dateing sites
Posted: 9/5/2009 2:12:29 PM
"and found him looking on this site and talking with a women he had known since before you met him..but always said he was not talking to anyone...now the conversation was a little racey but not too much...would you call him a cheater? a lier, and break up with him?"

If he were just talking with friends there would have been no need for his being online to have been a secret. If he were just talking with friends the email shouldn't have even been a little racey. Where there's smoke there's fire. Ignoring the warning signs is a sure recipe for heartache. Too many people ignore them then wonder how could that have happened to them.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 34
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Posted: 9/5/2009 4:53:17 PM

oh, after reading all this, he was not on here talking..it was an im.

So, this was a while ago... the IM has been down for quite a while. That's too bad they could not resolve it.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 40
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Posted: 9/8/2009 11:55:06 AM
It's hard to say, maybe he doesn't want you owning his entire being, he has a life, he's perfectly capable of not cheating even if he has people he likes to talk to. Yeah, lying is never good but then maybe he was pressured, maybe he knew he'd be fodder online to be bashed if he has the nerve to talk to women like they were normal people instead of big bad threats.

First I'd look at myself and see just what I may have contributed to this problem, then I'd look at him and figure out if he's just a guy not doing anything wrong or if he's a womanizer or some such thing that I wouldn't want in my life. I would talk to him straight up about it and get to the bottom of it, make up my mind about how it all works in my life and then make a choice and stick with it.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 45
peeking on dating sites
Posted: 9/8/2009 7:00:36 PM

Looks like you have already made up your mind as your profile states you are looking for "long term". So I gather you are doing more than just peeking.

Exactly. No amount of "explaining it away" explains this to me. I had a relationship while here. There is a "not single/not looking" or "living together" and I think, "in a relationship" option along with "talk/email." Just sayin'.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 51
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Posted: 9/10/2009 2:04:10 PM

I wanted to marry her. I did not want anyone else. but she was a hard woman to get along with. she would not listen..she accused me of cheating all the time and i did not. she was convinced I was running around, I still love her allthough she is outof my life now.

Personally, I'm inclined to think the two of you just weren't a match.

Imagine being married to someone who didn't listen and was hard to get along with. Imagine being married to someone who thought you were cheating at every opportunity. It doesn't make for a peaceful life, does it?

I'm of the view that we ought to be able to keep our friends. You ought not to feel you have to lie about inconsequential things, like having conversations with other people. It doesn't make for a secure relationship. And if it is important to you and fries her? >>> Back to "not a good match".
 Captain Incognito
Joined: 1/31/2008
Msg: 52
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peeking on dateing sites
Posted: 9/10/2009 2:24:59 PM

hmmm...i personally think if a man loves you and is with you...then he shouldnt be on a dating site period...i would definately talk to him about before you make any decisions you regret..try to understand why he is on it and tell him how it makes you feel....i would see it as him looking for other women just in case im not the one....in other words im not good enough...

I love my GF very much (met her on POF too). She knows I hang out here on the forums. I have invited her to see my activities on here. I like hanging out on the forums here. The stories here are better that most of the tv shows on the tube nowadays.

I have it posted on my profile I'm in a relationship. The very few messages I've gotten I've replied to declining any invitations or politely thanking them for their comments.

Like was said before, if there's nothing to hide, why hide it.
 setuid
Joined: 9/5/2008
Msg: 60
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Posted: 9/13/2009 7:16:48 AM
I'll at my 0.02 Euros on the matter...

Whatever your partner would have a problem doing if you were standing right there next to him, is cheating. The definition is very well accepted in the industry.

Now, whether that's cheating of a sexual, emotional or other nature is another matter... but the fact is that he hid it from you, and it put your relationship in questionable jeopardy. It's cheating.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 62
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Posted: 9/13/2009 8:09:25 AM
This is me, I am not worried if he is talking to some women on this site , for I get the * actions * and she only gets the the talks and talk is nothing....


<div class="quote"> ,,,,,,....but always said he was not talking to any one..now the conversation was a little racey but not too much...would you call him a cheater? A liar, and break up with him ?

Calling him a name won't do any good,and breaking up with him is my lose, why would I give him up to that woman he was talking with? I 'll see to it that I am a great lover to him that his full attention is just on ME......... It is very unethical to be sneaking in to his own house and into his privacy... just my 2 cent.

The guy is practically like a houseboy/ doing chores ,always with the woman 24 hours perhaps he is looking for way out, cruising this site and talking to some women,who knows????

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