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 justagirl99
Joined: 12/19/2008
Msg: 30
Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?Page 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
As others have mentioned, I would hope that during the first few months of the relationship that this would have been discussed (for or against), but it doesn't necessarily mean that their views wouldn't change.

I don't think one should stay with the person in the hopes that this would. I once dated someone who stated they would "never" get married, we ended the relationship, and he's now married. I think that you shouldn't see "never" as "never", however see "never" as "will not marry you".

In regards to to the second part, married for 5 years, and your partner taking you for granted etc. Where I am not, nor have not been married, to answer this question is not impossible, but not easily predictable either.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 31
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Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 12:54:41 PM
Marriage to me is the ultimate form of commitment to one another. If I wanted it and my partner did not then it would be a deal breaker.
But after a divorce I do not think one year is enough time to decide to get hitched again. Hopefully it would be well thought out and all issues regarding money and children would be decided first.
 cheerilystrawberry
Joined: 4/15/2009
Msg: 32
Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 12:56:24 PM
Yes, marriage and children are my ultimate goal and I would leave my SO if he wouldn't take the step, no matter how much I loved him.

A lot of people will scoff and say that it's 'just a piece of paper'. And while that's true, it's a very IMPORTANT piece of paper that offers a lot of financial and legal benefits.

As for divorce, unless my husband was acting hostile towards me and the children, I would do my best to ride it out. Every relationship goes through it's rough patches - I've known a lot of couples that stayed together despite a few difficult years and they appear to be better off for it.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 34
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Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 1:50:39 PM
First of all, I'm ambivalent about marriage, so I wouldn't end a relationship if he wasn't the marrying kind... I guess his clarity would just resolve my own push-pull over the subject. But this...

If you were in a relationship for about a year, and you wanted marriage, and your SO other did not - would you end the relationship?

One year isn't long enough for me to know anything other than "is this going well and do I want to keep seeing him?"
Somewhere around 2 years is where it begins to look to me like we might have a future together.
I'm a little slow that way, I guess. I like to live with the feeling for a while to make sure it wasn't a passing fancy.
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 35
Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 2:06:55 PM
I have been involved in several relationships that ended after 6 months when I realized that he was not interested in marriage and I was, or he wanted to marry me and I realized that I was not interested in marrying him. My role models have been my parents who dated 3 months before becoming engaged and married 6 months later, my sister said she and her husband discussed marriage after a few months, and my brother and his wife started dating and were married within 7 months. I guess it could depend on if someone was in school or not divorced yet or some other things had to be worked out, but I am not going to waste my time with someone when it is obvious after a few dates or months that he and I are not on the same page as far as both wanting to get married.
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 36
Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 3:29:53 PM
I can understand those that have never been married to want the whole marriage thing, but quiet frankly marriage is not on my list of priorities, at all actually. I've been there, had my kids, held a marriage for 12 years, and got out of it due to unforeseen circumstances...

Would it be fair to reject marriage if my partner wanted it so much? My decision would be purely based on why he feels a marriage would seal our commitment?
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 37
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Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 3:57:45 PM
My take on this question is that even if you don't know if you will marry that you should be on the same page at the beginning..meaning that marriage is what you're looking for. Of course it will take some time to figure out if that's possible for the two of you, but I think you have to be standing on the same square at the start line for this....Am I wrong?


Dating ISNT about social activities or just having fun. I can do those things alone or with friends. Dating is about discerning commonality and compatibility. Views on ALL the reasons break up can be delved into early on.

And should be.

REAL love isnt "fallen" into. That's a bunch of hollywood & harlequin-style romance novel hooey. REAL love is something GROWN into through maturity, logic, common sense, commonality, shared goals where the lust (what IS fallen into) is constant and unwavering.

When you have those components listed in the above paragraph, you dont fall OUT of love, nor do you end the relationship.

^^^I like this 1kindman4u...and agree with it.
 Ependa
Joined: 7/16/2009
Msg: 40
Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 11:44:14 PM
I think it's a little creepy to talk seriously about marriage (a lifetime committment) after just a year. But, I'm not a huge fan of the insitution anyway. So, I'd probably get that discussion out so that my partner doesn't have unrealistic expectations of where our relationship is going. I personally approach relationships, and life..one day at a time. Enjoy each other until we don't. This way you remember to be grateful for everyday and don't take each other for granted.
Which would also take care of the second question...there's no way I'd put up with being taken for granted and rowing the marriage boat with one oar for 5 years. I had something similar..and wouldn't divorce because I didn't believe in it. And it damn near killed my soul. Never again. It has to be a two way street. You have to be on the same page (not twins, definitely individuals..but have the same values & goals for your relationship--ie. do you want marriage, kids, living together, monogamy, etc). And you have to be okay yourself before any of that.
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 41
Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 11:49:00 PM

Isn't it funny how after so many years of cohabitating, Ryan O'Neal wanted to marry Farrah Fawcett when she was actively dying of colon cancer. I would not want this to be me, waiting until one of us is dying to realize we should have been married in the first place.


Widowdesire..this must be an American thing, because we don't have such laws here in Australia. A de-facto relationship is considered family when it comes to hospitals.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 44
Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/7/2009 9:28:07 AM

It is not the same thing in Canada... not sure about other countries... and a lot of insurance companies have a differentiation in the fine print of their policies too.

In every nation - I've looked this up for a conversation elsewhere entirely - the rights, privileges, and responsibilities of becoming next of kin, most of them extraordinarily important (and only some financial) are too numerous to list here, and are conferred in no other way. An equivalent arrangement cannot be achieved anywhere by simply drafting wills, POAs, and so on. If you're sure you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, there is no good reason not to do it.

Note: I said no "good" reason.

For me personally, marriage in and of itself never seemed like all that much of a good idea 'til, oh, the last couple of years. Now that it does, I seek potential partners who are actively wife-shopping or at least do not seem closed to the idea. However, as I said earlier... whether or not I'd bail after a year, if they weren't sure about it yet? I'd hafta find someone comfortable starting a relationship before that arises!
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 45
Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/7/2009 1:52:22 PM

The hospital, quite rightly, simply told the parents that they were going to ignore them and to ignore the law, and follow common sense. And the parents accepted this.


Common sense wins hands down!
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 46
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Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/7/2009 2:36:15 PM

To those who believe marriage and living together are the same thing... not necessarily. I know in Canada that inheritance and pension laws are totally biased towards marriage. You only get a survivor's pension if you were married - I am talking old age pension and other government sureties. In some cases, insurance companies don't give survivor benefits to a common-law spouse too. Also, in the case of inheritance, an adult child can contest the will and most likely win.

Where are you getting your information 13karat?
http://www.servicecanada.gc.ca/eng/isp/cpp/survivor.shtml#requirements
Canada Pension Plan:
The death benefit is a one-time payment to, or on behalf of, the estate of a deceased Canada Pension Plan contributor;
The survivor's pension is a monthly pension paid to the surviving spouse or common-law partner of a deceased contributor;

http://www.hrsdc.gc.ca/eng/oas-cpp/index.shtml
Old Age Security:
Allowance – for 60- to 64-year-old spouses or common-law partners of pensioners
Allowance for the survivor – for 60- to 64-year-old widowed spouses or common-law partners


It is not the same thing in Canada...

The only difference under law is the matrimonial home - and even that isn't the case in SOME provinces like BC. I have not seen an insurance policy that made any distinction between marriage and common law - including same sex partners in a good decade. Distribution can be a factor if it is not designated to a survivor but just goes into the estate "pool".

Inheritance remains the property of the recipient in both marriage and commonlaw. What they do with the inheritance may effect how it is treated later.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 47
Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/7/2009 3:12:24 PM
Yes, I would. Would you leave a relationship if you wanted an exclusive relationship and she didn't? It's the same thing, I just draw the line further up the road than you do.

Interestingly, I saw a reality TV show once about brides and grooms. In almost EVERY case, the bride first had to give the guy an ultimatum: marry me or I go. In some of the cases, the guy walked--like, for 6 months. In other cases, the guy caved in immediately. I just thought it was strange that the women took the guys back--if a man didn't want me, I wouldn't want him.
 strollinbella
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 49
Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/7/2009 4:40:47 PM
My first longterm commonlaw relationship was with a man who stated right from the start that he wasn't going to consider marriage until the age of 45. I thought that my love for him was enough, and chose to stay with him. Years passed, my biological clock started ticking louder and louder, to the point where I began to question my ability to stay in the relationship. The no children issue was not the only reason I left him, but was certainly something that had come to matter to me more than it did to him.

I still hope to be married some day, and have ended one relationship since then because that man only wanted a live-in, nonpermanent situation. Dating a very nice man now, but don't know where the relationship is headed.
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 50
Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/7/2009 5:28:48 PM
It is not hard to understand, if everyone was honest. Unfortunately, some do not seem to know what they want, and/or are liars.
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 51
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Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/9/2009 8:12:25 AM
I don't give a flip about the piece of paper, That is just a legal documant conferred by the government granting certain protections and rights in re tax, inheritance etc. ; all stuff that could be handled privately.

For me, marriage is a covenent between myself and spouse before God. Yeah, I know, perhaps a bit anachronistic, but it' how I'm wired. So, before we ever get to thta stage I would think that issues of belief, life style, future desires, etc., would have already been discussed , including marriage.

So, short answer, I doubt I would be in a relationship where marriage wasn't desired. As for ending a relationship were marriage ever taken off the table -more than likely. Because, that would indicate to me that something fundamentally had changed.

TK
 bcsofnc57
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 53
Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/9/2009 10:56:36 AM
Yes I would end a "relationship" if after a year if we weren't getting married. Would have done the same thing at any time after the age of 18. Life is too short to waste on someone that does not want the same thing from life I do.

If I had been married for 5 years I would hope that we were close enough and attached enough that there would be no need for big effort. I would hope it would all have come together by then. I wouldn't go to any kind of counseling. I see no reason to drag strangers into your family business.
 Vincent_1984
Joined: 11/14/2005
Msg: 54
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Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/9/2009 12:18:54 PM
Personally, I have some mixed feelings about the entire concept of marriage altogether. Not because of the commitment, I am definitely able and willing to commit myself to one women for the rest of my life, but simply because I believe it is a very shallow facade.

What is marriage really? A piece of paper, a theatrical ceremony and two expensive rings(well, one is usually a lot more expensive than the other. Very poor symbolism for the beginning of an equal relation if you ask me). All for an illusion of commitment and fidelity, and a twisted sense of ownership.

True commitment comes from within, not from material objects, and it's something that needs to be accentuated and exhilarated on daily basis, not just on one day. I also don't want to feel as if I am taking ownership of that person (I don't even want them to change their name, which also makes a poor case for equality) and if they are not happy with me than I want them to go find someone else, it is this freedom that makes the commitment that much more valuable. I think that for a woman to stay with me while there is nothing holding her back, even as bigger, smarter, richer or better looking men show up in her life, is something truly special. Marriage takes that away and simply makes it easy for two people to take each other for granted. I don't want someone who stays with me simply out of convenience or financial status, I want someone who stays with me out of a mutual love and respect.
 flowerforce
Joined: 9/6/2006
Msg: 55
Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/9/2009 12:23:05 PM
Statistics show women are more likely to leave a common law relationship than one where she is married to her SO. If he is nervous about the divorce laws then I would be happy to sign a pre-nup because I would not get married without one any way. I have my assets to protect as well as him having what he has to protect. I would not live with him until I had an engagement ring on my finger and a wedding date set. I want the man in my life to value me enough to marry me and make a deep commitment. Further if he valued the relationship he would also engage in couples counselling if there were issues to deal with. If he were not willing to engage in couples counselling I would definitely leave because that would say to me he did not value his relationship with me.
 flyingstart
Joined: 5/15/2009
Msg: 57
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Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/20/2009 6:30:42 PM
Unfortunately its to much BS in mariage type of relationships these days. There is enough pressure at work, so I don't need additional pressure in my life because of marriage.
If the social laws have bigger and bigger balls lately, thanks but no thanks. I will stay in my corner and shut the f.up.
So yes, marriage will put me away from the relatiosnhip if its reasoned with "commitement" type of bla-bla.
In these type of society that's the price for me. Wanna stay with me ? Then take a chance, because I am taking too. No paperwork assurances and lawyers involved.
Otherwise click next.
 flyingstart
Joined: 5/15/2009
Msg: 58
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Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/20/2009 6:53:46 PM
Oh yeah definitely let them know.
I personally know lots of ladies who had demanded this and that then ended up alone ..anyways after trying 1-2 marriages. And who else wants them ? Well not too many anymore....for marriage.
But more and more ladies tell me that they don't want marriage now, they just that little bit. I ....dunno.
So be c.o.c.k.y when you are young ladies and hit the table with your fist..Ohh yaaaaa see what happenz...experiment and be "unique"...
Tata-ratata.
 Vincent_1984
Joined: 11/14/2005
Msg: 61
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Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/21/2009 6:21:09 PM
I don't think it was a misspelling

Yes, it was a misspelling, I meant woman.


I take it you've never been married before? or married a wrong one? Marriage is living two or more lives like your own. Anyhow, until you know you want to marry Her - she's not your Ms.Right...keep searching
Right. and that's a commitment anyone can make without ever being married, that was my point.


marriage doesn't, cohabitating does when you use her for sex when she is still young and then you'll find newer model 10 years down the road. Because men become richer with age, and women don't become more beautiful...so they try to exchange their youth and beauty for your potential when they can. later, when they make their own money (and maybe even more than you) they will choose younger men and then it will be their turn to say:"I don't want someone who stays with me simply out of convenience or financial status, I want someone who stays with me out of a mutual love and respect"...yeah, right
First of all, men don't use women for sex, it's a mutual and consensual exchange. second of all, a commitment that someone makes to themselves now will still hold down the line regardless of whatever piece of gold you may carry on your finger. The type of men who would end up cheating ten years down the road would do so whether they are married or not, same with women.


I want the man in my life to value me enough to marry me and make a deep commitment.
Do you really think marriage is an indisputable proof of commitment? It's not, just look at the statistics.

Anyway, All I am trying to say is that marriage is a false concept that a lot of people buy into under out of conformity or because they have been indoctrinated, from a very early age, into thinking that it's something mandatory or magical, which it's not. I find it sad that so many people can be duped by such a weak and shallow concept(why not symbolize your commitment by throwing salt over your head and buying each other tongue piercings while your at it, it's just as ridiculous). Commitment doesn't come on a piece of paper or a ring, it comes from deep within two individuals.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 62
Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/21/2009 8:49:45 PM
~ OT ~ I would leave. If he wanted marriage, it would be selfish for me to keep him wondering if I might change my mind and get married again. That simply isn't likely in my lifetime. In my mind, I'd be keeping him from something he wants to do and that's not OK with me. JMO
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