Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 48
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?Page 2 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
Im sorry but this thread is a load of BS!!

Quite simply there are 2, count them, 2 sides to every story!!

People seem to only concentrate on one side.. the OP's.
MarialT, You especially are taking what the OP posts to heart and as all conclusive. What a shame really, you should know better.

The only thing I have enough information to comment on is the fact that this marriage SOUNDS to be a freakin mess, talk about drama. You should consider marriage counseling and or divorce. The house is just being used as an excuse for both of you.

You BOTH have problems!!
 QTpye16
Joined: 6/29/2007
Msg: 49
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/12/2009 5:31:20 AM
looking4my1love,


We are married and live together: I thought they were OUR bills???


They are.



Little history here on the house. The house loan is in my mom's name, but it is by no means HER house. To me the name on the loan doesn't matter unless there is a default.


Technically, you're wrong. It is your mother's house...you and your husband are basically paying rent until it's paid for...so I can see where he's coming from. However, that should have been something both of you had discussed and concluded wayyy before you got married.



I believed, especially after we married, that he was to take what I had for his own and I for his. Does it not work that way anymore? Was that only what happened in my parents and grandparents' days?


Apparently not in your relationship, but it does work. It all depends on each person's beliefs and values. You should have made sure both of you were on the same page before you chose to get married. I would never marry anyone who didn't believe in partnership, because that is what marriage is. I never understood the fact of being married and living like roommates...nor being in a committed relationship and living together....YOU ARE NOT ROOMMATES!! There is no difference in the two except a stupid piece of paper. You are still living together and sharing a household.



Also, why is he thinking about IF we divorce, he would be left with nothing? Is it customary to think when you are married what would happen IF we divorce and base your next steps in the relationship on that?


Considering the way your marriage is going, I don't blame him. And I don't see any harm thinking about what would have happen if a divorce comes into play. I'm sorry, but I would want to look out for my well being. I want to be able to leave out with what I came in with...at the least. So overall, I can understand your husband's concerns, but at the same time, you both are married so that shouldn't stop him assisting to pay the mortgage when he's living there as well as you.
 QTpye16
Joined: 6/29/2007
Msg: 50
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/12/2009 5:41:50 AM
wild1-1,


You and your mom can pay your house bills. Its different if the house was in your name and when you marry him then he is responsible for the house payment too.


I disagree. He's living there isn't he? Therefore, he should be responsible to help pay the mortgage. I'm pretty sure he knew the house was in her mother's name before he married her. Since it seems like they are living as roommates anyway, isn't that part of the roommate's duty...to pay his share of rent. I don't know too many people who has a roof over their heads, rent-free.
 boinkboinkboink
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 51
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/12/2009 6:39:22 AM
"Since it seems like they are living as roommates anyway, isn't that part of the roommate's duty...to pay his share of rent. "

Yes, but if they are living together only as "roommates" then of course he SHOULD consider divorce. His wife has hobbled him, and denied him the ability to invest in house that he wants to own with an equal share. Why should he rent if he has the capacity to own? The mother and OP are controlling this man and he rightfully wants his freedom.

OP, marriage isn't just about love. It is a financial arrangement. Together you grow both in your love AND in your wealth. You are denying him the ability to accumulate wealth.

Actually Blowfish, there are three sides: his side, her side, and the truth.
 QTpye16
Joined: 6/29/2007
Msg: 54
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/12/2009 7:52:47 AM
boinkboinkboink,



Yes, but if they are living together only as "roommates" then of course he SHOULD consider divorce. His wife has hobbled him, and denied him the ability to invest in house that he wants to own with an equal share.


I agree he should consider a divorce and get his own place, however I seriously doubt he got into this situation without knowing he didn't have ownership of the house. The OP clearly stated it was her house before they got married, so what I don't understand is how can you move in with someone knowing your name is not on the lease/house, get married, and not get it changed BEFORE marriage. If he knew he wanted his equal share in the house he should have discussed this with the SO and came to a conclusion before getting married. There is no way I believe the OP and her mother is denying him of anything...if so, he shouldn't or wouldn't have married her in the first place. He knew the house wasn't his point blank. In my opinion, it's too late to all of a sudden realize something you should have from the beginning....nor is it fair to suddenly stop assisting with the mortgage payment...when he is still living in the house.
 boinkboinkboink
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 55
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/12/2009 8:30:45 AM
QType16,

Maybe, or maybe he was deceived. We don't have all of the facts. He could have easilly discovereed after the fact that the house is in her mother's name. He may have been led to believe that he would have a personal stake in the home, only to have the OP or mother, renege. So many have assume that this man is the irresponsible one. Consider for a moment why the loan (mortgage?) is in the mother's name. This occured before they were married. To me this suggest that OP had poor income potential or poor credit and needed her Mom to make the house possible for her.

Yes, it is most definately is fair to stop making mortgage payments and demand that he receive a growing stake in the house. A calculation needs to be done to determine how much of the equity in the house he has paid for with his payments minus a reasonable interest rate. Future payments should add to his share of the equity in that house. Clearly neither the mother nor the wife can afford the house payments on their own, but his wife and her mother are accumulating equity in the house as a result of HIS money. However, he as the spouse ( an EQUAL partner in a marriage) is accumulating nothing.

On ther other hand, if the OP is in fact lying, and the house is entirely in the Mother's name, I would view this as a scam becaue the OP is using her mother to shelter an asset from the consequences of a divorce settlement - an asset that should be jointly shared by a husband and wife.
 boinkboinkboink
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 56
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/12/2009 11:57:16 AM
Belle,

Get real!
(Edit: sorry, this in reference to the first part of your comment. The rest is dead on accurate!)

Sorry, but some of these young 19-20-21 something women are pretty damn hot. Sorry, I am a man, but I am also human. Be honest guys, would you say no to freakin hot young chick ( assuming she is legal ), if she came on to you. Ok, if you're in a relationship you might say no, but otherwise? So he likes porn. Big deal. Most men do. This is all nonesense - a complete red herring. We've got a bunch of individuals on this thread who are very negative towards pot and porn. I do know one thing for a certain; there are lots of people who turn to a vice ( alcohol, pot or others) when they are depressed. If a man feels he is in a bad relationship with a woman, if he doesn't see an easy escape, he just might find himself tempted to return to his old vices. Yes, this makes him unhealthy, but the OP is worsening his health with her own issues.

I encourage this man to get out of this relationship!!!!! for the sake of his own health. Dig deeper people. The OP is the real source of the problem.
 varinia
Joined: 1/1/2009
Msg: 57
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/12/2009 3:02:59 PM

I agree with the posters who say it's only logicial for a person (man or woman) to want to have a legal right to a percentage of a property for which they are paying. I don't understand why anyone would think that doesn't make perfect sense.


And I'm one of those people that finds it completely unfair to expect my marriage partner to share everything he owns 50/50, even if he got it before the marriage. I don't feel it's an automatic right. maybe it's fine, if 2 20-year olds marry and they both don't have anything.
I think it's very different once you're older and have accomplished some things in life.

I believe in each having their own life, job, income, friends - each having a life apart from each other in addition to the life that they have together. And that to me means that they each have their own money and possessions that they have had before they were married and it should be theirs and not automatically also belong to the spouse. And then they will have money that they pool and possessions that they acquire together.

As to the house, why should he automatically be entitled to have a share of the house, if she acquired it before him. Heck, they have been married 7 months. He sounds like a gold digger to me.

They live in Jonesboro, Arkansas. Not exactly high property values there. I bet his share is less than what he'd pay if he rented something.

This thread alone convinces me that I would never want to get married again. I believe in sharing what I want to share with whoever I want to share because I want to give it from the heart. By the same token I want someone to share with me because they want to. Appreciation is only there, if it's given voluntarily. Awareness that the other chooses to do certain things, instead of the other person thinking that they're entitled to it. Entitlement attitude kills a relationship in my opinion.
 QTpye16
Joined: 6/29/2007
Msg: 58
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/12/2009 3:11:00 PM
boinkboinkboink,


Maybe, or maybe he was deceived. We don't have all of the facts. He could have easilly discovereed after the fact that the house is in her mother's name. He may have been led to believe that he would have a personal stake in the home, only to have the OP or mother, renege.


Yes, we don't know all the facts, but the simple thing is regardless, it should have been resolved before the marriage because it wasn't his to begin with. And that fact will never change. I still don't agree to the fact that he should stop making payments when he's still living in her home. When he decides to move out, that's another story.
 boinkboinkboink
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 59
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/12/2009 3:41:55 PM
QType16, paying rent to your spouse is absurd! Immediately owning a percentage of the property immediately after marriage is ALSO absurd. However, everything acquired after the beginning of the marriage is shared. This should include equity in a house. If I marry you at a time when you only own 10% of your house ( 90% mortgage ), if together we pay off the remaining 90%, I own 45% of the house ( 90% /2 ). If, for example, at the time of divorce, only 20% is owned and 80% remains mortgaged, I own (20% - 10%)/2 = 5%. Atleast, this is the law in Ontario, Canada. Unless the OP is agreeable to such an arrangement, I too would be pondering a rapid divorce. Love be damned! A woman who can't see the equity in this is NOT my match!
 QTpye16
Joined: 6/29/2007
Msg: 60
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/12/2009 4:33:37 PM
boinkboinkboink,


QType16, paying rent to your spouse is absurd!


Clearly, we are looking at things differently. I am not looking at it in a way where he is paying rent to his wife. I'm looking at it clearly as sharing a household together...they live together, therefore, they should help each other with the household expenses. Him not helping paying the mortgage is like living there for free. But we agree to disgree.
 eastendwoman
Joined: 7/15/2006
Msg: 63
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/12/2009 6:27:56 PM
Your mother-in-law is an interfering female dog. (If you get the innuendo) Your husband has to decide whether to be a little boy or a man. Put it to him that way. If he takes her side then he's not man enough to be a man for U.
 boinkboinkboink
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 64
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/12/2009 6:35:06 PM
That's right, Eastendwoman. How dare his mother try to stop his wife and her mother's little scam! How could she! Terrible, terrible, "female dog". Yep, he needs to be a man and tells his wife and her mother where to stuff it!
 OneWhiteLotus
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 66
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/12/2009 7:01:16 PM
OP, it's quite normal that a spouse moving into an existing home owned by the other spouse will never quite feel like the house is really their home. I see this often, and it's simple to solve...you sell it, and buy another home together.

You and hubby might want to become familiar with Ontario Family law, and how it relates to real property, and the matrimonial home. (just in case divorce is on the horizon for the two of you?) I would suggest you consult a lawyer to clarify these things, so everyone knows where they stand.

I didn't read the whole thread, and I'm not sure if you mentioned who's name is on the actual title for the property. (registry)

...it sounds to me like this concern is quite likely a bi-product of another more serious underlying issue. Things can get out of balance when one partner smokes dope, and the other one does not.

Best of luck with all that.
 boinkboinkboink
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 67
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/12/2009 7:13:13 PM
OneWhiteLotus,

Actually, she isn't in Ontario. She's in the US. Their laws are different.

Sorry, this is my fault. I'm the one who mentioned Ontario in an earlier post.

Good advice.
 OnTheM0ve
Joined: 1/15/2009
Msg: 69
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/12/2009 8:40:10 PM


Your mother-in-law is an interfering female dog. (If you get the innuendo) Your husband has to decide whether to be a little boy or a man. Put it to him that way. If he takes her side then he's not man enough to be a man for U.


READING THE ENTIRE thread before posting is always essential. It is obvious you didn't read that this guy could possibly get screwed. Spending probably at least 45 percent of this earning (45 percent of his life/labor) towards SOMEONE'S HOUSE.

That's shaving about 35 years off of his life for NOTHING if she randomly out the blue decides she doesn't want to give it up OR the wife divorces him or him, her.

There was a story in the newspaper today of a man who was given keys to his father's condo 25 years ago and now at 45 the father has decided to put him out. The judge told him because "he has keys" and a verbal agreement it doesn't mean a thing because it wasn't in writing. The father who is in bad health wants to sell the apartment to make money. Now this man who has spent 25 years of his life living here and paying into this apartment (paying maintenance fees/carrying charges which normally, in these situations, amount to a standard month's rent from a rental apartment)
Bottom line: Judge told him to pack his s.h*i-t and go.

This is the SAME situation. His mother told him right and now he's seeing it for what it is.
Also, the OP is NOT telling us something here. If he is looking at other women chances are he is unhappy...so the REALITY of your life labor going to smoke on top of whatever problems you have in your marriage ON TOP of the statistics of how many marriages end in divorce and even more so how the man usually gets taken for all he's got would be enough for anyone to start thinking ahead to protect themselves should anything happen.

Once again..READ THE THREAD before haphazardly making ignorant comments
 QTpye16
Joined: 6/29/2007
Msg: 71
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/13/2009 11:16:18 AM
BigDaddyJinx,


Um this is probably why he wants out. HELLO...

He doesn't wanna be a mooch any more than he wants to be Mr Help Her Pay HER Mortgage.

Try to keep up...



If he wants out, he needs to get his own place. All I'm saying is he shouldn't stop helping to pay the mortgage if he's still living in the home.
 QTpye16
Joined: 6/29/2007
Msg: 72
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/13/2009 11:27:44 AM
wild1-1,



Yea, I think she told him a different story about the house before they got marry.


Maybe so, but the fact is, he didn't have any ownership before they were married nor when he moved in.




Why else do you think he is making noises about this at this stage of their marriage.


I seriously think that he started to realize (with his mother's help) the reality of the situation...which most men don't seem to think about anyway...until it's too late. Because the way I see it, if it was an issue with him beforehand, it would have been concluded before marriage or he wouldn't have married her.




I would definately move out and find cheaper accomodation.


Exactly!
 ruckus123
Joined: 6/7/2005
Msg: 74
view profile
History
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/13/2009 12:43:09 PM
I didn't read all the responses so if this has benn sed already, too bad....

Sell the house and move into an apartment. That will make the house issue go away.
 boinkboinkboink
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 75
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/13/2009 2:15:54 PM
Sell house. Stick wife in recycling box. "accidentally" back car over recycling box.
 bcsofnc57
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 76
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/13/2009 3:00:36 PM
Regardless of who owns the house, he should still have to pay half of the bills. If he wasn't living there with you, he would be paying those same bills.

As to the pot smoking issue, not really my thing, but why not let him smoke his weed and be happy? It isn't a big deal.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 78
view profile
History
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/13/2009 3:40:07 PM
This particular situation seems like a train wreck, so I can only comment on the home situation in general, and from my perspective of having been thru a similar situation with my ex-wife. From my point of view, I think it only invites potential problems to have living arrangements where only one partner or the other feels like they have any sort of vested interest in the home. I've been on both ends of the whole moving into your partner's place, and it can be awkward as hell. That type of thing is best if its only temporary, with the goal of eventually getting a place that is both of yours.

In my case, my GF moved into my place and wasn't asked to pay any of the expenses other than groceries now and then. We were already talking about getting married, and eventually we did, staying in the same place for a short time, but one that I did my best to make her home as well as mine. When it came time to buy a house, we looked into our options, and found our least expensive way to go was to buy the place in her name alone because of credit ratings, and then a few months later refinance and put both names on the deed.

So we went ahead with the plan as we had discussed. Unbeknownst to me however, my mother in law was chirping in my wife's ear, telling her to keep the house in her name only so that she could simply throw me out if the marriage ended (or when, if that witch got her way). Which of course wasn't legally possible. Anyway, my wife always came up with some excuse why it wasn't the right time to do it, and I never thought to question her about it, nor did it ever cross my mind that she was manipulating me. After 2 years in the home, and my paying most of the bills since her employment was up and down, she told me she wanted a divorce and asked me to leave. There were a lot of other factors involved, and while I could have stayed in the house and fought her for it, I just wanted to put it all behind me and let her have it, so I accepted some cash from her and let her keep the place. Within a year and a half she had defaulted on her car (which was in both names, so my credit was negatively impacted) and the house, which thankfully I wasn't on the hook for in any way.

The thing is, you don't enter into a marriage expecting its going to end in divorce, but it doesn't hurt to be realistic about the possibility that it could happen. What might be most helpful is to have a discussion with your partner beforehand, about what would happen if you did end things, instead of turning a blind eye to it. You can be a romantic and a still be a realist too.

One last thing...I read some of this post regarding the husband smoking pot. Now she may or may not agree with him doing so, and I don't want to get into the particulars of her having problems with it, how often he does it etc. But if she is telling him he isn't allowed to do something in what she claims is his home too, well, no wonder the guy has an issue with the living arrangements.
 sweet_n_heart
Joined: 1/31/2007
Msg: 79
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/13/2009 6:14:05 PM
I'm getting the impression that he didn't think this way before, that wasn't til his mom got into his head. It seems his mom doesn't like you and is trying to break up your marriage... why she's all of a sudden doing this now is beyond me.

If he's like " IF divorce this, IF divorce that ", to me he's either seriously thinking about it or already made up his mind and just waiting for the wrong time.

Try talking to him, hopefully will get somewhere... but if he's a mama's boy then well good luck, cause chances are he will believe everything she saids and do whatever she says.

To me your marriage is slowly going down the toilet simply because he has let what his mom said get to him, he actually believes it. Seem only person he listens to is his mom and apparently can't think for himself.

So, your options are try to make this marriage work OR just leave cause you don't deserve this.
 head.cloud123
Joined: 5/29/2009
Msg: 81
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/13/2009 7:51:54 PM

Wait what? Maria, you are fecking insane.

You want to know why a guy who

1. Is controlled by his wife to the point of her telling him what he can and can't do
2. Is splitting the bills
3. Paying the mortgage
4. Doesn't OWN the house, isn't even on the note
5. Has to listen to someone nag him about drugs (when she knew he did them previously)

Isn't happy? WTF. You want him to pay and not be on the title? If the roles were reversed you don't think the married woman would deserve the right to at least own what she was buying?

You call him a user and abuser because he wants to have a financial stake in what his money is purchasing?

You are why divorce skyrockets in this country. Your expectation of everyone to live up to standards you wouldn't even apply to yourself. God if he was the one who was a woman you'd be saying he had a right to everything.

You think it's ok for her to have OUR bills but not OUR house? Jeebus.

Christ this thread is depressing.




I think you're a bit delusional. Did you seriously expect a woman to side with a man even if he is right? It is all about the sisterhood. Even if she was the worst wife in the world most women would side with her. Why don't other men understand this?




I agree with the posters who say it's only logicial for a person (man or woman) to want to have a legal right to a percentage of a property for which they are paying. I don't understand why anyone would think that doesn't make perfect sense.


Wow. You are truly amazing for taking the right side instead of just the woman's side.
 head.cloud123
Joined: 5/29/2009
Msg: 82
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/13/2009 7:59:45 PM

This particular situation seems like a train wreck, so I can only comment on the home situation in general, and from my perspective of having been thru a similar situation with my ex-wife. From my point of view, I think it only invites potential problems to have living arrangements where only one partner or the other feels like they have any sort of vested interest in the home. I've been on both ends of the whole moving into your partner's place, and it can be awkward as hell. That type of thing is best if its only temporary, with the goal of eventually getting a place that is both of yours.

In my case, my GF moved into my place and wasn't asked to pay any of the expenses other than groceries now and then. We were already talking about getting married, and eventually we did, staying in the same place for a short time, but one that I did my best to make her home as well as mine. When it came time to buy a house, we looked into our options, and found our least expensive way to go was to buy the place in her name alone because of credit ratings, and then a few months later refinance and put both names on the deed.

So we went ahead with the plan as we had discussed. Unbeknownst to me however, my mother in law was chirping in my wife's ear, telling her to keep the house in her name only so that she could simply throw me out if the marriage ended (or when, if that witch got her way). Which of course wasn't legally possible. Anyway, my wife always came up with some excuse why it wasn't the right time to do it, and I never thought to question her about it, nor did it ever cross my mind that she was manipulating me. After 2 years in the home, and my paying most of the bills since her employment was up and down, she told me she wanted a divorce and asked me to leave. There were a lot of other factors involved, and while I could have stayed in the house and fought her for it, I just wanted to put it all behind me and let her have it, so I accepted some cash from her and let her keep the place. Within a year and a half she had defaulted on her car (which was in both names, so my credit was negatively impacted) and the house, which thankfully I wasn't on the hook for in any way.

The thing is, you don't enter into a marriage expecting its going to end in divorce, but it doesn't hurt to be realistic about the possibility that it could happen. What might be most helpful is to have a discussion with your partner beforehand, about what would happen if you did end things, instead of turning a blind eye to it. You can be a romantic and a still be a realist too.

One last thing...I read some of this post regarding the husband smoking pot. Now she may or may not agree with him doing so, and I don't want to get into the particulars of her having problems with it, how often he does it etc. But if she is telling him he isn't allowed to do something in what she claims is his home too, well, no wonder the guy has an issue with the living arrangements.


Never accept a partner who doesn't do her fair share.



Then she should put his name on the Deed, after all she said "It was my house before I married, and when I married, I thought the house would become OURS" and he is saying "I no longer wants to live in YOUR house because it will never be MINE" I mean, if everything the OP is saying is true (which I'm sorry but I have my doubt's) then really the solution is easy. PUT HIS NAME ON THE DEED...


Am I the only one other person who see's this as common sense?

An how funny is it to hear all these people call him a mama's boy and attack his masculinity. Are you so stupid that you have no other points?

He is a rational individual with rational expectation and does not expect to be used as an ATM and he is a wuss because of is?

Stop changing the subject. Its really quite sad.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >