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 sweet_n_heart
Joined: 1/31/2007
Msg: 79
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?Page 5 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
I'm getting the impression that he didn't think this way before, that wasn't til his mom got into his head. It seems his mom doesn't like you and is trying to break up your marriage... why she's all of a sudden doing this now is beyond me.

If he's like " IF divorce this, IF divorce that ", to me he's either seriously thinking about it or already made up his mind and just waiting for the wrong time.

Try talking to him, hopefully will get somewhere... but if he's a mama's boy then well good luck, cause chances are he will believe everything she saids and do whatever she says.

To me your marriage is slowly going down the toilet simply because he has let what his mom said get to him, he actually believes it. Seem only person he listens to is his mom and apparently can't think for himself.

So, your options are try to make this marriage work OR just leave cause you don't deserve this.
 head.cloud123
Joined: 5/29/2009
Msg: 81
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/13/2009 7:51:54 PM

Wait what? Maria, you are fecking insane.

You want to know why a guy who

1. Is controlled by his wife to the point of her telling him what he can and can't do
2. Is splitting the bills
3. Paying the mortgage
4. Doesn't OWN the house, isn't even on the note
5. Has to listen to someone nag him about drugs (when she knew he did them previously)

Isn't happy? WTF. You want him to pay and not be on the title? If the roles were reversed you don't think the married woman would deserve the right to at least own what she was buying?

You call him a user and abuser because he wants to have a financial stake in what his money is purchasing?

You are why divorce skyrockets in this country. Your expectation of everyone to live up to standards you wouldn't even apply to yourself. God if he was the one who was a woman you'd be saying he had a right to everything.

You think it's ok for her to have OUR bills but not OUR house? Jeebus.

Christ this thread is depressing.




I think you're a bit delusional. Did you seriously expect a woman to side with a man even if he is right? It is all about the sisterhood. Even if she was the worst wife in the world most women would side with her. Why don't other men understand this?




I agree with the posters who say it's only logicial for a person (man or woman) to want to have a legal right to a percentage of a property for which they are paying. I don't understand why anyone would think that doesn't make perfect sense.


Wow. You are truly amazing for taking the right side instead of just the woman's side.
 head.cloud123
Joined: 5/29/2009
Msg: 82
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/13/2009 7:59:45 PM

This particular situation seems like a train wreck, so I can only comment on the home situation in general, and from my perspective of having been thru a similar situation with my ex-wife. From my point of view, I think it only invites potential problems to have living arrangements where only one partner or the other feels like they have any sort of vested interest in the home. I've been on both ends of the whole moving into your partner's place, and it can be awkward as hell. That type of thing is best if its only temporary, with the goal of eventually getting a place that is both of yours.

In my case, my GF moved into my place and wasn't asked to pay any of the expenses other than groceries now and then. We were already talking about getting married, and eventually we did, staying in the same place for a short time, but one that I did my best to make her home as well as mine. When it came time to buy a house, we looked into our options, and found our least expensive way to go was to buy the place in her name alone because of credit ratings, and then a few months later refinance and put both names on the deed.

So we went ahead with the plan as we had discussed. Unbeknownst to me however, my mother in law was chirping in my wife's ear, telling her to keep the house in her name only so that she could simply throw me out if the marriage ended (or when, if that witch got her way). Which of course wasn't legally possible. Anyway, my wife always came up with some excuse why it wasn't the right time to do it, and I never thought to question her about it, nor did it ever cross my mind that she was manipulating me. After 2 years in the home, and my paying most of the bills since her employment was up and down, she told me she wanted a divorce and asked me to leave. There were a lot of other factors involved, and while I could have stayed in the house and fought her for it, I just wanted to put it all behind me and let her have it, so I accepted some cash from her and let her keep the place. Within a year and a half she had defaulted on her car (which was in both names, so my credit was negatively impacted) and the house, which thankfully I wasn't on the hook for in any way.

The thing is, you don't enter into a marriage expecting its going to end in divorce, but it doesn't hurt to be realistic about the possibility that it could happen. What might be most helpful is to have a discussion with your partner beforehand, about what would happen if you did end things, instead of turning a blind eye to it. You can be a romantic and a still be a realist too.

One last thing...I read some of this post regarding the husband smoking pot. Now she may or may not agree with him doing so, and I don't want to get into the particulars of her having problems with it, how often he does it etc. But if she is telling him he isn't allowed to do something in what she claims is his home too, well, no wonder the guy has an issue with the living arrangements.


Never accept a partner who doesn't do her fair share.



Then she should put his name on the Deed, after all she said "It was my house before I married, and when I married, I thought the house would become OURS" and he is saying "I no longer wants to live in YOUR house because it will never be MINE" I mean, if everything the OP is saying is true (which I'm sorry but I have my doubt's) then really the solution is easy. PUT HIS NAME ON THE DEED...


Am I the only one other person who see's this as common sense?

An how funny is it to hear all these people call him a mama's boy and attack his masculinity. Are you so stupid that you have no other points?

He is a rational individual with rational expectation and does not expect to be used as an ATM and he is a wuss because of is?

Stop changing the subject. Its really quite sad.
 startle
Joined: 7/22/2008
Msg: 83
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/13/2009 8:07:00 PM
lady, i feel sorry for you..you do not need this kind of grief....he is trying to steal your house from you...does he ever mention something called "love"...his true colors are showing....run!
 boinkboinkboink
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 85
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/13/2009 8:28:30 PM
It isn't as simple as putting his name on the Deed. He isn't entitled to 50% of the house. He is only entitled to a percentage of the house according to how much he has invested through his payments. If the wife owned 20% of the equity minus debt in her house at the time of their marriage, her husband should have NO claim to that 20%. He is only entitled to the portion of the equity that is accumulated after the marriage started.


lady, i feel sorry for you..you do not need this kind of grief....he is trying to steal your house from you...does he ever mention something called "love"...his true colors are showing....run!


Get a grip!! Another bitter, divorced, and dellusional woman!!
 boinkboinkboink
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 86
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/13/2009 8:47:45 PM
Yes, cautious, I did read her post. She needs to realize that this statement, "what's mine is yours and what's your's in mine", isn't entirely accurate.

This is what I suspect happened. She was formerly married. During the divorce settlment she needed to buy her ex-husband's share of the house. Or perhaps she simply decided she wanted to keep the house, didn't have the cash, adequate credit, or sufficient income available to be approved for a mortgage. So she borrowed the money from her mother to buy out her ex. It is quite likely that both the mother and the daughter are on the deed until the loan has been paid off.

This is where percentages become very relevant. Her new husband has ABSOLUTELY NO claim on the portion of the house she owned before his arrival.
 varinia
Joined: 1/1/2009
Msg: 88
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/14/2009 10:27:34 AM

Didn't you mean one cannot go on the deed without going on the mortgage?
I live in canada and I know that Mortgage companies and banks require that the name on the mortgage and the deed/title holder be the same person to secure that loan.
You cannot arbitrarily change the name on the deed whenever you feel like it. In essense the mortgage holder is the deed holder until funds are paid out.
I suspect that holds for the US, too.


I don't know how it works in Canada, but in the US you can change title, without having to change the mortgage holder.

Granted, a mortgage company will not give a loan to anyone other than the person on title. BUT, it is possible for someone to take over a loan and get a property 'sub-to' (subject to the existing mortgage). The mortgage company has the remedy to call the loan due, but most don't do it. Especially in today's climate, where the banks have more foreclosures on their hands than they know what to do with. And then there's the St. Germain Act, which allows someone to put the property into a trust and then you could change the trustee name and they can't do anything. That same act also allows a parent and child to transfer properties between them without the loan being called due.
 Stafford_Jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 90
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Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/14/2009 11:24:58 AM
I wonder how many of the women here who are siding with the OP and saying DO NOT put his name on the deed would feel if the husband/wife roles were reversed.

Would any of you women here be OK with being married to a man who owns his home but doesn't have it in his or BOTH your names?

WildDNA, while your example is not a pleasant one, it's also not a relevant one. You can't compare an ex-bf who committed criminal acts (forgery and theft) with a husband who is not doing anything illegal with respect to the home ownership.
 Fu Lu Shou
Joined: 11/28/2008
Msg: 91
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/14/2009 11:31:39 AM
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 Fu Lu Shou
Joined: 11/28/2008
Msg: 92
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/14/2009 11:32:04 AM
Hey Beautiful lady! How is POF treating you, any good men out there for you? Well I just wanted to stop by an say hello. Please check out my blog for laughs, interesting insight and tips for all types of subjects. Currently giving dating tips.

Please click an ad on my blog to show your support!

www.fulushousdestiny.blogspot.com

Have a blessed day,

Fu Lu Shou
 big pacific
Joined: 7/2/2009
Msg: 94
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History
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/14/2009 12:00:49 PM
UHHM, wtf.

How come you don't address that? Can you honestly sit here and say this guy is the least bit interested in her if hes already ****hhhing about THE BILLS! He feels like he is hard done by and husband or not, bills need to be paid. As far as I'm concerned if he doesnt like it bec his mommy says so then move the hell out!


I can say he's whining about the bills because he's paying for the upkeep and mortgage of a home that he doesn't own, they are HER bills because it's not OUR property.

Bills do need to be paid, but if you expect ANY person to pay HALF a mortgage and bills and NOT be entitled to a portion of the home than you are a hypocrite at best.


What does he want??? He wants to live there and not have to worry about the bills. He's sick and tired of paying HER BILLS... his words not mine!


He wants to live there, pay the bills and not be thrown out in the cold if she decides something else is wrong with him, he's invested in the equity just as much as she has since marriage.
 varinia
Joined: 1/1/2009
Msg: 96
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/14/2009 12:26:21 PM
If the husband doesn't have any skin in the game, and brings nothing to the table,then she's a fool to of married the guy in the first place.


I don't agree that marriage should only happen if everybody brings the same thing to the table.

As to the earlier question about reversed roles: I have my own assets and properties and if I were to marry and move into my husband's house, I would not expect him to put me on the title of his home, nor can he expect me to add his name to my titles. I would certainly expect to pay a fair share for my living there. I look at it as a comparison to renting. No matter where I live, I'll have to pay to live there. There should be a discussion as to what's fair for each party.

The OP never said how his share of the payment compared to him paying rent somewhere. There's a pretty good chance that he's paying less than what rent would be, since Arkansas is not a high property value area, like San Francisco Bay area or other cities/states are. What if the house has been owned for a while and the mortgage payment is only $ 300 per month? We don't have any of that information. We don't have a comparison to what he'd have to pay for rent. What if the house is completely under water, like so many homes these days? Would he be willing to pay the difference to what the house is worth vs what is owed? I doubt it.

They've only been married 7 months. How can he expect to own part of the house that she had before they were married?

As to the selling of the house. This is not a good time for anyone to sell a property and people should avoid it at all cost
 big pacific
Joined: 7/2/2009
Msg: 98
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Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/14/2009 1:19:46 PM

If I did that, then I would be fully aware of what I CHOSE to do in my adult choices in life that I MUST be responsible for.


Ok belle, in THAT case, just for debate, women no longer get alimony, child support or financial support from a divorce besides marital assets ever again, after all, those were YOUR choices that you must be responsible for, and we can't foster a victim mentality. Obviously thats silly.

I own my own home, my g/f lives with me and contributes rent, when we are to get married i feel like it's UNDERSTOOD that any equity we gain by her contributing half is hers. Period. Have we talked about it? No. I don't think it's a stretch. This woman says she OWNS this house, i don't think its an unreasonable expectation that he should get his piece.

Is he stupid? Yes. To be honest, i can't believe he's dating a chick trying to tell him what to do and then posting how much of a jerk he is online, but it takes different strokes to move the world.
 Ependa
Joined: 7/16/2009
Msg: 99
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/14/2009 2:04:56 PM
This is why I try to keep finanaces and relatives out of a relationship, lol. And not a huge fan of the instiution of marriage, especially when it's used as a means to acquire wealth or assets that you haven't earned.
But, honestly , I think there's more going on here than just that. If you're having such discussions/thoughts...then there is likely something fundamentally wrong with your relationship.
If you want to save it, remove the finances first. That means figuring out a fair and equitable thing that works for both of you. Options could be refinancing the house into both of your names, him moving out and you maintaining separate finanaces, or sitting down and looking at what's fair. As if the house was your and will be yours. Ie. don't make him pay for your house or live for free. What's reasonable 'rent' to help towards the household bills. Don't make it a profiteering venture for either one of you.
Then, focus on the relationship. Personally at this point ,my first choice would be moving out , if that's not possible financially, then I'd say go with option 3 ,but be grown ups about it and realisitc.
I also wonder if there's even anything worth saving, but that's something only you two can answer.
I don't think it's normal or healthy to wonder about such things in a marriage..it's a good sign that it's in trouble.
I also don't think it's healthy to profit from a marriage.
I think a home makes a home a home..the love and and laughter inside of it. And I don't even think you have to cohabitate to have that.
 Stafford_Jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 101
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Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/14/2009 2:31:18 PM
[QUOTE]It's a pefect example of what NOT to do! I told OP if she wants a house with this man... then to buy a different home that both start off with equal payments. As for me : if there was to be any kind of joint anything.. It would start with the purchase of a new home. Not to bring in my old home that I've paid off x amount of years for him to join in just bec he lives with me.


So the roles reversed makes no difference!

Have you taken note to how hes already talking to her? YOUR BILLS is a key figure here that he finds anything OURS a problem. Not to mention the guys mother can actaully influence him and his thinking.

How come you don't address that? Can you honestly sit here and say this guy is the least bit interested in her if hes already ****hhhing about THE BILLS! He feels like he is hard done by and husband or not, bills need to be paid. As far as I'm concerned if he doesnt like it bec his mommy says so then move the hell out!

What does he want??? He wants to live there and not have to worry about the bills. He's sick and tired of paying HER BILLS... his words not mine!

Get rid of the man the sooner the bettter! [/QUOTE]

Well Wild DNA, I can't add much to this other than repeating the postings following yours.

If he's paying his bills, and complainging about paying hers too, and has been helping pay the mortgage on a home he will never have an interest in then I don't blame him one bit.

And just because, 'Mommy' says something to him doesn't make him weak. Maybe she sees the situation a little better than we do here.
 Stafford_Jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 102
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Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/14/2009 2:39:34 PM

That is not the point here.
If I did that, then I would be fully aware of what I CHOSE to do in my adult choices in life that I MUST be responsible for.
You are encouraging another hopeless "victim" to keep being irresponsible when you say things like that.
I mean, whether it's a man or a woman in this situation "WAKE UP!"
I will put the question to you, stafford jim and all of the gender inflamers out there. Would YOU move into anywhere and not know whether you, or your partner had a mortage on it or not and whether the home ownership was in their name or not??????
Wouldn't you KNOW if you would be renting or not????
If you didn't, then how is the mushroom cave that you live in? Pretty dark, eh?


Ah, but that is exactly the point and you're off point.

It's not a, 'victim' mentality to want what's fair. Unfortunately, 'fair' is very subjective and different to you and I. You find that to be especially true when you go through a divorce.

I am by no means a, 'gender inflamer'. I call it as I see it with both men and women. I don't believe in cheating, lying, hiding assets, keeping secrets is OK for either gender.
 Stafford_Jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 104
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Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/14/2009 3:15:58 PM

I don't agree that marriage should only happen if everybody brings the same thing to the table.

As to the earlier question about reversed roles: I have my own assets and properties and if I were to marry and move into my husband's house, I would not expect him to put me on the title of his home, nor can he expect me to add his name to my titles. I would certainly expect to pay a fair share for my living there. I look at it as a comparison to renting. No matter where I live, I'll have to pay to live there. There should be a discussion as to what's fair for each party.


Ah, but you have your own assets, that's a different story. If you choose to marry a man with little means (since we can't choose who we fall in love with, it's a possibility) what would your outlook be then? If I loved a woman who brought the same to the table and had just as much to lose in divorce as I, I would have the same exact outlook as you.


The OP never said how his share of the payment compared to him paying rent somewhere. There's a pretty good chance that he's paying less than what rent would be, since Arkansas is not a high property value area, like San Francisco Bay area or other cities/states are. What if the house has been owned for a while and the mortgage payment is only $ 300 per month? We don't have any of that information. We don't have a comparison to what he'd have to pay for rent. What if the house is completely under water, like so many homes these days? Would he be willing to pay the difference to what the house is worth vs what is owed? I doubt it.


Here in the U.S. (I'm not sure where you live), it doesn't work that way. The courts are not going to figure that you would have paid rent if you weren't living there while dividing assets and debt. Any assets that appreciate and any debt accumulated is 50/50 split. This is minus the equity she had prior to the marriage.

Coincidentally, if he were also on the home loan he would be repsonsible for half the negative equity as well if it was an upside down loan. It's not a matter if he'd be willing to pay the difference, he'd be required to as he would assume the debt as well.

You can have all the, 'what's fair' discussions you want, but in the end it won't make a bit of difference in court. It's not a legal out for her to keep the equity if the marriage goes bad.


They've only been married 7 months. How can he expect to own part of the house that she had before they were married?

As to the selling of the house. This is not a good time for anyone to sell a property and people should avoid it at all cost


Well he can't expect it but he certainly does. It's not exactly obvious, but he does.

Maybe she has $20K of equity on a home worth $100K today. But what if someday they divorce and the house has appreciated to $300K? She's still safe on her $20K of equity before the marriage, but he's entitled to half the profit/worth of the remaining $280K if it's paid off.
 Stafford_Jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 105
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Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/14/2009 3:31:24 PM


I still say he knew what he was getting into when he married her and he knew the situation of the house! Maybe all 4 of them , husband, wife, his mom and her mom should have sat down and discussed the details.

And.. its not a matter of him working hard for his money as someone said.. they both work hard, they both earn the money, they both decided together to live in moms house that she calls hers and moms on the deed. They both knew what was going on and they both went ahead with it.

Nothing was hidden that we know of.

So live with it or move on and buy your own house seperate from all this mess they both got themselves into!


Well, we still don't seem to know the whole story here. The OP claims she thought everything was going to be, 'OURS' once they married. It turns out that it's everything but the house that's going to be, 'OURS'.

Maybe they didn't discuss it then, maybe she was supposed to put him on the deed/loan and didn't. We don't know these things. If he truly knew what he was getting into at the time of the marriage (no name on the house) then he doesn't have the right to change his mind now. If he was promised the full realm of, 'OURS' then he has every right to expect her to live up to her side.

Having been through a divorce, I can tell you that unless you're protected you're in grave danger of losing your financial stability in a divorce if you didn't happen to marry someone of equal financial standing. I've been there, and coincidentally so has my sister who married a guy who earned about 1/3 of what she does. She had to pay him a lot of money to make a 50/50 split at the divorce, even though basic math shows that her 3;1 income over his means she paid a lot more into the house, retirement, and savings than he did.

The OP asked why people think about divorce, the , 'what if?' scenario when they marry. Anyone who has ever been through divorce does think about it. We don't plan on it, as we don't plan to get divorced, but we weren't expecting it the first time either. We've learned that people change, they get spiteful, and we're all disposable when it comes to divorce. Out of the couple dozen people I know who have been divorced only two I can think of have had equal and fair divorce proceedings. All of them started out in love, and most of them turned into a nasty grab fest when things didn't work out.

With the divorce rate as high as it is, you'd better be thinking about it, which is different than expecting it. Just like anything else in life, you better have a backup plan if things don't go as planned. Otherwise, you just might wind up 50 years old and starting over again with nothing to your name. It might be harsh, but reality often is.
 stardust571981
Joined: 6/30/2008
Msg: 106
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Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/14/2009 3:42:46 PM
His mother found a good way to break up your marriage.
Your mother is the name on the loan but who's name is on the Deed? Your mother should be able to have your name on the deed and should be able to add your husbands name as well. That will then make the house yours and his and show the equal share of the home. Just an idea but maybe that would make him feel better.
 stardust571981
Joined: 6/30/2008
Msg: 107
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Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/14/2009 3:47:34 PM
If the husband is contributing to the family income and his contribution is being used to support the family his name should be on the deed.
 varinia
Joined: 1/1/2009
Msg: 108
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/14/2009 5:13:00 PM
Since this keeps being thrown out at supposedly unknown.

I think it's pretty clear the that mother has title to the house as well as the mortgage in her name.

Most people, other than those involved in real estate, have no idea that the title can be moved around independently of the mortgage. Subsequently, it's a pretty logical assumptions that there never was any quitclaim deed from the mother to the daughter.
 Honcho
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 109
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/14/2009 6:18:25 PM
Talk your mom into willing you the house in her will. Meanwhile let it stay in mom's name because then he can't touch it. I don't know what your interior decorations are
but please don't make the entire home into pink and ruffles. At least have rooms that are neutral gender or male decor. Catch your own bills up and get ready for a forthcoming divorce and when that is pending make sure your attorney puts it in writing that he has to pay his own created bills as well as court costs and attorney fees and then if the judge agrees you are one free bird. Apparently his mother does NOT like you and resents him paying on your mother's house and is putting this poison into his mind. The marriage might could have been saved if he had given up his drug use and continued to work together with you. He probably does feel that his house payments are futile and wants reassurance that he is getting something for his payments.
 ~*Isabel Kitty*~
Joined: 7/6/2009
Msg: 110
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Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/14/2009 7:36:20 PM
From the post, he sounds like a jerk. When you're married, things should be "OURS" and TOGETHER. And not picking over money so much as in who pays what, as long as stuff gets paid. 50/50 is for roomates, or just living together as bf/gf..not married couples. When you say I do you commit to it being "forever" and I know that doesn't always happen, but don't focus on the "IF we divorce". That'd make me feel unloved & hopeless like it wasn't going to work....he seemed sure it's going to break-up and leave HIM with nothing. I wouldn't want to be in a marriage built on that kind of committment and trust anyway......
 vaxplant
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 112
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/16/2009 5:35:02 AM
No one in this situation is paying the mortgage, everyone is paying rent though.

Renting from a relative and "paying the mortgage" are two diffent things entirely. One's just a temporary landlord/tennant situation, the other is a "neener neener neener you can't touch this" thing.

Personally, I wouldn't have paid a dime on the house after marriage until both OUR names were on the title someplace. I've seen too many people get screwed over in similar situations one way or another.
 forum_froggie
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 114
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 10/1/2009 4:47:41 PM
Did I miss the OP leaving the house, so to speak?

Funny.
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