Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Stafford_Jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 101
view profile
History
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?Page 7 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
[QUOTE]It's a pefect example of what NOT to do! I told OP if she wants a house with this man... then to buy a different home that both start off with equal payments. As for me : if there was to be any kind of joint anything.. It would start with the purchase of a new home. Not to bring in my old home that I've paid off x amount of years for him to join in just bec he lives with me.


So the roles reversed makes no difference!

Have you taken note to how hes already talking to her? YOUR BILLS is a key figure here that he finds anything OURS a problem. Not to mention the guys mother can actaully influence him and his thinking.

How come you don't address that? Can you honestly sit here and say this guy is the least bit interested in her if hes already ****hhhing about THE BILLS! He feels like he is hard done by and husband or not, bills need to be paid. As far as I'm concerned if he doesnt like it bec his mommy says so then move the hell out!

What does he want??? He wants to live there and not have to worry about the bills. He's sick and tired of paying HER BILLS... his words not mine!

Get rid of the man the sooner the bettter! [/QUOTE]

Well Wild DNA, I can't add much to this other than repeating the postings following yours.

If he's paying his bills, and complainging about paying hers too, and has been helping pay the mortgage on a home he will never have an interest in then I don't blame him one bit.

And just because, 'Mommy' says something to him doesn't make him weak. Maybe she sees the situation a little better than we do here.
 Stafford_Jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 102
view profile
History
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/14/2009 2:39:34 PM

That is not the point here.
If I did that, then I would be fully aware of what I CHOSE to do in my adult choices in life that I MUST be responsible for.
You are encouraging another hopeless "victim" to keep being irresponsible when you say things like that.
I mean, whether it's a man or a woman in this situation "WAKE UP!"
I will put the question to you, stafford jim and all of the gender inflamers out there. Would YOU move into anywhere and not know whether you, or your partner had a mortage on it or not and whether the home ownership was in their name or not??????
Wouldn't you KNOW if you would be renting or not????
If you didn't, then how is the mushroom cave that you live in? Pretty dark, eh?


Ah, but that is exactly the point and you're off point.

It's not a, 'victim' mentality to want what's fair. Unfortunately, 'fair' is very subjective and different to you and I. You find that to be especially true when you go through a divorce.

I am by no means a, 'gender inflamer'. I call it as I see it with both men and women. I don't believe in cheating, lying, hiding assets, keeping secrets is OK for either gender.
 Stafford_Jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 104
view profile
History
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/14/2009 3:15:58 PM

I don't agree that marriage should only happen if everybody brings the same thing to the table.

As to the earlier question about reversed roles: I have my own assets and properties and if I were to marry and move into my husband's house, I would not expect him to put me on the title of his home, nor can he expect me to add his name to my titles. I would certainly expect to pay a fair share for my living there. I look at it as a comparison to renting. No matter where I live, I'll have to pay to live there. There should be a discussion as to what's fair for each party.


Ah, but you have your own assets, that's a different story. If you choose to marry a man with little means (since we can't choose who we fall in love with, it's a possibility) what would your outlook be then? If I loved a woman who brought the same to the table and had just as much to lose in divorce as I, I would have the same exact outlook as you.


The OP never said how his share of the payment compared to him paying rent somewhere. There's a pretty good chance that he's paying less than what rent would be, since Arkansas is not a high property value area, like San Francisco Bay area or other cities/states are. What if the house has been owned for a while and the mortgage payment is only $ 300 per month? We don't have any of that information. We don't have a comparison to what he'd have to pay for rent. What if the house is completely under water, like so many homes these days? Would he be willing to pay the difference to what the house is worth vs what is owed? I doubt it.


Here in the U.S. (I'm not sure where you live), it doesn't work that way. The courts are not going to figure that you would have paid rent if you weren't living there while dividing assets and debt. Any assets that appreciate and any debt accumulated is 50/50 split. This is minus the equity she had prior to the marriage.

Coincidentally, if he were also on the home loan he would be repsonsible for half the negative equity as well if it was an upside down loan. It's not a matter if he'd be willing to pay the difference, he'd be required to as he would assume the debt as well.

You can have all the, 'what's fair' discussions you want, but in the end it won't make a bit of difference in court. It's not a legal out for her to keep the equity if the marriage goes bad.


They've only been married 7 months. How can he expect to own part of the house that she had before they were married?

As to the selling of the house. This is not a good time for anyone to sell a property and people should avoid it at all cost


Well he can't expect it but he certainly does. It's not exactly obvious, but he does.

Maybe she has $20K of equity on a home worth $100K today. But what if someday they divorce and the house has appreciated to $300K? She's still safe on her $20K of equity before the marriage, but he's entitled to half the profit/worth of the remaining $280K if it's paid off.
 Stafford_Jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 105
view profile
History
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/14/2009 3:31:24 PM


I still say he knew what he was getting into when he married her and he knew the situation of the house! Maybe all 4 of them , husband, wife, his mom and her mom should have sat down and discussed the details.

And.. its not a matter of him working hard for his money as someone said.. they both work hard, they both earn the money, they both decided together to live in moms house that she calls hers and moms on the deed. They both knew what was going on and they both went ahead with it.

Nothing was hidden that we know of.

So live with it or move on and buy your own house seperate from all this mess they both got themselves into!


Well, we still don't seem to know the whole story here. The OP claims she thought everything was going to be, 'OURS' once they married. It turns out that it's everything but the house that's going to be, 'OURS'.

Maybe they didn't discuss it then, maybe she was supposed to put him on the deed/loan and didn't. We don't know these things. If he truly knew what he was getting into at the time of the marriage (no name on the house) then he doesn't have the right to change his mind now. If he was promised the full realm of, 'OURS' then he has every right to expect her to live up to her side.

Having been through a divorce, I can tell you that unless you're protected you're in grave danger of losing your financial stability in a divorce if you didn't happen to marry someone of equal financial standing. I've been there, and coincidentally so has my sister who married a guy who earned about 1/3 of what she does. She had to pay him a lot of money to make a 50/50 split at the divorce, even though basic math shows that her 3;1 income over his means she paid a lot more into the house, retirement, and savings than he did.

The OP asked why people think about divorce, the , 'what if?' scenario when they marry. Anyone who has ever been through divorce does think about it. We don't plan on it, as we don't plan to get divorced, but we weren't expecting it the first time either. We've learned that people change, they get spiteful, and we're all disposable when it comes to divorce. Out of the couple dozen people I know who have been divorced only two I can think of have had equal and fair divorce proceedings. All of them started out in love, and most of them turned into a nasty grab fest when things didn't work out.

With the divorce rate as high as it is, you'd better be thinking about it, which is different than expecting it. Just like anything else in life, you better have a backup plan if things don't go as planned. Otherwise, you just might wind up 50 years old and starting over again with nothing to your name. It might be harsh, but reality often is.
 stardust571981
Joined: 6/30/2008
Msg: 106
view profile
History
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/14/2009 3:42:46 PM
His mother found a good way to break up your marriage.
Your mother is the name on the loan but who's name is on the Deed? Your mother should be able to have your name on the deed and should be able to add your husbands name as well. That will then make the house yours and his and show the equal share of the home. Just an idea but maybe that would make him feel better.
 stardust571981
Joined: 6/30/2008
Msg: 107
view profile
History
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/14/2009 3:47:34 PM
If the husband is contributing to the family income and his contribution is being used to support the family his name should be on the deed.
 varinia
Joined: 1/1/2009
Msg: 108
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/14/2009 5:13:00 PM
Since this keeps being thrown out at supposedly unknown.

I think it's pretty clear the that mother has title to the house as well as the mortgage in her name.

Most people, other than those involved in real estate, have no idea that the title can be moved around independently of the mortgage. Subsequently, it's a pretty logical assumptions that there never was any quitclaim deed from the mother to the daughter.
 Honcho
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 109
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/14/2009 6:18:25 PM
Talk your mom into willing you the house in her will. Meanwhile let it stay in mom's name because then he can't touch it. I don't know what your interior decorations are
but please don't make the entire home into pink and ruffles. At least have rooms that are neutral gender or male decor. Catch your own bills up and get ready for a forthcoming divorce and when that is pending make sure your attorney puts it in writing that he has to pay his own created bills as well as court costs and attorney fees and then if the judge agrees you are one free bird. Apparently his mother does NOT like you and resents him paying on your mother's house and is putting this poison into his mind. The marriage might could have been saved if he had given up his drug use and continued to work together with you. He probably does feel that his house payments are futile and wants reassurance that he is getting something for his payments.
 ~*Isabel Kitty*~
Joined: 7/6/2009
Msg: 110
view profile
History
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/14/2009 7:36:20 PM
From the post, he sounds like a jerk. When you're married, things should be "OURS" and TOGETHER. And not picking over money so much as in who pays what, as long as stuff gets paid. 50/50 is for roomates, or just living together as bf/gf..not married couples. When you say I do you commit to it being "forever" and I know that doesn't always happen, but don't focus on the "IF we divorce". That'd make me feel unloved & hopeless like it wasn't going to work....he seemed sure it's going to break-up and leave HIM with nothing. I wouldn't want to be in a marriage built on that kind of committment and trust anyway......
 vaxplant
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 112
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/16/2009 5:35:02 AM
No one in this situation is paying the mortgage, everyone is paying rent though.

Renting from a relative and "paying the mortgage" are two diffent things entirely. One's just a temporary landlord/tennant situation, the other is a "neener neener neener you can't touch this" thing.

Personally, I wouldn't have paid a dime on the house after marriage until both OUR names were on the title someplace. I've seen too many people get screwed over in similar situations one way or another.
 forum_froggie
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 114
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 10/1/2009 4:47:41 PM
Did I miss the OP leaving the house, so to speak?

Funny.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >