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 AUTHOR
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 26
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should I tell His wife he's cheating?Page 2 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

Regardless your judgements are harsh, hateful and sickening to say the least....get educated on human empathy that is a start~
your perception of the post is harsh, hateful and while not quite "sickening" it is a little over-the-top.. You've mis-read somewhere I think..
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 27
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 10:40:11 PM
OK So what I am hearing from the women is it's OK to cheat on your partner?

Or is it, it's not OK to cheat, but it's also not OK to tell on someone who i, s cheating?

Regardless of motive, which you have seemed to get yourself sidetracked on, the guy has nothing to gain by letting the cat out of the box. But if he is absolutely sure that those 2 are cheating, a freaking post card that says "watch your back, I have reason to believe your husband is cheating" is not out of line.

Does the motive really matter? Maybe I'm mmissing something here, but the person who is to gain something here is the woman that is being cheated on.

The easy way out for OP is to walk away.
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 28
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 11:49:56 PM
Maybe a good idea. She has a right to know. How low he must be to cheat on his disabled wife.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 29
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/19/2009 12:19:47 AM
You are making this out to be all about revenge Chelsie. Take revenge out of the equation. It doesn't matter what the motive is.
 bmore_goat
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 30
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should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/19/2009 4:32:41 AM
It's all about perspective and who would be giving the news.
A lot of people are talking about "enabling" and "not ratting out"

Reading this thread I say most folks are divided down the middle on this, which is pretty rare for most POF forum threads.

Each person on both camps are pretty well committed on their postitions.

I'm just going to throw this out.
If my SO was cheating on me, I would like to know, however, I'm not sure I'd like just anyone telling.
My best friend or close relative, yes.
Ex-wife (or this case husband) of the person my SO is cheating with, no.

I would not be comfortable with unknown people making decisions on my life and decided to give me information for their own self-serving needs.

Personally, I would not be comfortable shoe horning my beliefs system on people I don't know. What the ex and her bf get up to in not my business. And having the chance to "sticking it to my ex" should not come under the guise of informing "the poor unsuspecting wife" of the husbands infidelity.

Taking the easy way out? I'm all about making my life easy and not involving myself in other peoples drama.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 31
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should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/19/2009 9:43:23 AM

I am sorry but if you think that her being disabled is the reason this guy has to put on kiddy gloves on this situation then i don't think many of you give the disabled credit where credit is due.

People must be responsible for the consequences of their actions. We don't know the degree of disability, whether this woman can work at all, or work part time or full time. She may be unqualified if she can work, for a job that provides the medical insurance she needs. She could be highly effective and not need him, the point is the OP doesn't know what her situation is.

Here's an example of failing to consider the consequences. If you tell someone about this type of scenario without knowing that they are mentally ill, for example, and they shoot the cheating spouse, are you responsible? Since you volunteered information when the person was happy in their ignorance or chose to ignore the signs, you did put the chain of events in motion.


Jesus... Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps. Yeah, let's do the poor disabled woman a favor and NOT tell her about her cheating husband because she's obviously dependent on him.

Yeah, considering your needs as the outter rather than the wants and needs of the person involved is way better.
 *topchef*
Joined: 8/2/2008
Msg: 32
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/19/2009 3:13:36 PM
If I were that wife....I would want to know the truth, and she has a right to know the truth. If someone had irrefutable proof that this was taking place, I wouldnt care who told me. At least that would give me the opportunity to make my own choices that were right for me, including NOT having sex with the cheating b@st@rd and exposing myself to god knows what.

Maybe if more people were committed to revealing the cheaters to their partners, there would be less of them.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 33
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should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/19/2009 3:53:37 PM
^^^ OMG ... It's not some bloody strangers place to tell her. The OP is a total stranger to this women. If a total stranger told me my husband was cheating.. I'd tell them to fvck off and ask them WTH their motive was for interferring in my life when I didn't even know who they were. Why do people expect OP to drop a bomb like that and then just step away.. not being a friend she certainly wouldn't be able to rely on him to support her through any hurt that the revelation caused.

Apollo why are you so adament that a cheater should be told something like that by a complete and utter stranger??? People aren't stupid. Most suspect something is going on when their S/O is stepping out.. they choose to turn a blind eye (denial) for their own reasons and who are any of us to break through someone elses coping mechanism???

Some say that they'd want to know.. well that's your choice.. Op doesn't KNOW that, that is the wife's choice as well???
 curlygrl
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 34
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/19/2009 5:19:23 PM
Oh God man - what is he going to do - knock on her door,
introduce himself and say " my wife is having an affair with your husband"-

And lets just say her reaction is going to be to her husband -
"some strange man came here and told me you are having an affair"-
and his reaction to his wife - deny deny deny.

Let me tell you one thing about a cheater and being cheated on-

The cheater will never admit it - they will use every excuse-

I need space
I need to think about some things
I need to find myself

They will never admit it.

The cheated on- I will bet my new chanel handbag that her gut
is or already has told her. We usually know even before the
little head leaves the zipper opening.

Its that seventh sense every woman has about her man.

She probably turns a blind eye to it - not because of her disability but
because she will settle to live under intolerable circumstances.

Happens all the time until one day he either leaves or it is staring her
straight in the face. Usually they leave because they cannot wear
the cheating mask any longer.

Trust me- she already knows. Should he tell her?
If he does tell her he is just re-inforcing what she probably already knows.

He should just step away from the drama and start his healing process.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 35
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should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/19/2009 5:44:18 PM
To my way of looking at things, it all goes back to the OP's motivations, and his timing. Now if he had wanted to inform this guy's wife when he first found out, so as to try and end the affair the guy was having with his wife, then telling her might have made some sense. To do it now, after his divorce and when it really is no longer any of his business who she sees or is involved with, smacks of simple and petty revenge, regardless of how much this woman wronged him and how much she deserves it.

It happened to me, when I found out my wife was cheating on me. I called the guy she was seeing (she wasn't very good at covering her tracks), not the wife, and I flat out warned him (even though I didn't know him), that I knew his name, where he and his wife lived, where he worked (I didn't, other than the name, but in the small town this louse was in that would have been enough info to start), and that he had better not see my wife again. Admittedly, I came on like a heavy, trying to scare the hell out of him. My final words to him were, "You have knowingly involved yourself in my life and my marriage. Pray I don't involve myself in yours." And he never saw or contacted her again. Whether or not his wife ever found out wasn't any of my business, nor should it have been.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 36
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should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/19/2009 9:29:22 PM
The 20/20 story is a completely different scenerio than the one we are discussing.

Ths man with the HIV was not enabled by silence. He was enabled by older women than himself who paid for his jewlery and his vacations and ignored the red flags because they enjoyed is attentions. They admit this themselves. The first women who couldn't ignore a glaring red flag followed him and when she tracked down the first women he was seeing besides her.. she told her right away what he was doing.

If op is worried that the wife may get aids .. then he should be worried about his ex wife and himself as well.. He didn't mention a concern for anyone's health as his reason for wanting to inform a total stranger that the women he divorced is involved with her husband.
 KinChandlerAz
Joined: 8/13/2009
Msg: 37
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/19/2009 9:31:04 PM
If my partner was cheating on me I would want to know.
It wouldn't matter HOW I found out, I'd still want to know.
I'd be thankful if someone who knew about the affair made the decision to tell me.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 38
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should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 12:17:49 AM

Huh? How did any of the women enable him to spread his HIV?
I was referring to his "cheating".. It should go without saying that him not imforming these women of his HIV status is unconsciousable, obviously. Their lifestyle (the women's and this man's) were high risk.
It was not a red flag. It was a diagnosis of HIV from her doctor
The video says the first woman found out he was cheating and she forgave him.. he then cancelled an event with her and she was suspicious and checked his phone messages .. she followed him and sat parked outside his home.
What did they admit? That they knew he had aids? You are nonsensical.
You condenscending.. does that make you right? No!They admited that they ignored red flags about his character.. and joined him in his high-risk lifestyle because he had such a persuasive way about him.
It was not a red flag. It was a diagnosis of HIV from her doctor
Yes.. which she relayed to the woman's who's phone record she picked up from the creeps cell bill. She had already informed her of his philandering.. she then called the other woman again to relay her diagnosis.
You are merely pouncing on an example by the former poster who correctly gives yet another reason to inform an innocent spouse of her husband’s infidelity.
and you are merely pouncing on an example that is in no way similar to what we are talking about in this thread. If you are of the opinion that Op should tell a stranger that she should get HIV tested because his ex wife has aids.. then it would be similar.
your opinion the criminal who knowingly infected many others with HIV is innocent; thank god most are not as morally bankrupt as you for he is currently serving a life sentence for his grievous transgressions.
Easy lady ..I'll ask you kindly not to put words in my mouth.. No where and no how have I said that anyone with HiV status should not be penalized for having unconsensual and unprotected sex with people without informing them.Nor have I said (or agreed) that he is innocent. My post simply pointed out the differences between Op's situation and the one that Repairguy linked us to. .. Talk about Please let some of that hot air out before you hurt yourself.
 red_relaxed
Joined: 7/18/2007
Msg: 39
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 8:37:20 AM

To my way of looking at things, it all goes back to the OP's motivations, and his timing. Now if he had wanted to inform this guy's wife when he first found out, so as to try and end the affair the guy was having with his wife, then telling her might have made some sense. To do it now, after his divorce and when it really is no longer any of his business who she sees or is involved with, smacks of simple and petty revenge, regardless of how much this woman wronged him and how much she deserves it.

It happened to me, when I found out my wife was cheating on me. I called the guy she was seeing (she wasn't very good at covering her tracks), not the wife, and I flat out warned him (even though I didn't know him), that I knew his name, where he and his wife lived, where he worked (I didn't, other than the name, but in the small town this louse was in that would have been enough info to start), and that he had better not see my wife again. Admittedly, I came on like a heavy, trying to scare the hell out of him. My final words to him were, "You have knowingly involved yourself in my life and my marriage. Pray I don't involve myself in yours." And he never saw or contacted her again. Whether or not his wife ever found out wasn't any of my business, nor should it have been.


This poster in my opinion handled a similar situation promptly and with dignity, maintaining and promoting respect for himself and all those involved. He didn't attempt to close the barn doors years after the horse had escaped.

Had the OP asked the question, should I let tell his wife he cheating because she has contracted AIDS? In view of the additional information the OP has disclosed?
He waits until until after he's safely out of the divorce, and then wants to tell her? Come on...

OP, get on with your life. You had your window of opportunity to do the best thing if that is indeed your real motivation. Now it looks just...well...like revenge.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 40
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should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 9:35:30 AM

This poster in my opinion handled a similar situation promptly and with dignity, maintaining and promoting respect for himself and all those involved. He didn't attempt to close the barn doors years after the horse had escaped.

Had the OP asked the question, should I let tell his wife he cheating because she has contracted AIDS? In view of the additional information the OP has disclosed?
He waits until until after he's safely out of the divorce, and then wants to tell her? Come on...

OP, get on with your life. You had your window of opportunity to do the best thing if that is indeed your real motivation. Now it looks just...well...like revenge.
In the context of THIS particular thread, that quote sums it all up nicely.

By being of the opinion that Op has ulterior motives or, has no right to be imposing himself in the wife's life at this time, does not mean that I (we?) condone cheating or that we are "morally corrupt" *rolls eyes* or that someone with HIV status should be living a "LoveShack" lifestyle and infecting unsuspecting women. Please! Get Real.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 41
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should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 10:17:45 AM

IMO, either you condemn something, or you condone it
I think that was the Logo over the Spanish Inquisition's Corporate Headquaters.

It's even funnier that you vehemently argue against someone who disagrees with you on anything, if it were truly of no consequence to you...
Verity.. you know that, that is what fuels the forums. If it wasn't for expressing opposing opinions.. all we'd have is an Opost and everyone who followed agreeing... the world isn't like that.

By answering, quoting and giving your opinion... you are doing the exact same thing you accuse of... We all know that you certainly enjoy pounding your opinion home.. why is it any different for someone else to do the same thing you do often??
 red_relaxed
Joined: 7/18/2007
Msg: 42
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 10:22:23 AM

How do I manage?
It's not that hard actually..
I guess that's what separates me, from you. I don't have any problems doing what I feel is right.
I don't need a consensus of opinion, on what is right.
I decide.
What gives me the right?
I'm the one who gives me the right. Again, I don't need a consensus of opinion, nor permission to do what I think is right.
I don't care who has a problem with that

You sure about that? I'll put you down as undecided...


IMO, either you condemn something, or you condone it.

I would hope that people would look at the all the facts and circumstances presented in any given situation before they rely on their moral thermometer as the sole basis for their decision making processes.

Wouldn't want or feel comfortable knowing you were on my jury.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 43
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should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 12:39:25 PM
And it's [infidelity] very hurtful to people.
Then I must ask why you think that the OP should deliberately try to hurt the wife by telling her.. It's certainly not because he feels morally responsible or that he's concerned about her catching STD's or he would have done it long before now. Evidence shows he wants to willfully try to hurt his ex wife and her lover by telling the lover's wife.. which would definately have him convicted guilty of premeditated hurting the innocent wife.

Duhh..It's different for the simple fact that I didn't attempt to proclaim that someone else's argument is inconsequential to me, while arguing with them, and clearly proving otherwise....
saying "Duhh" seems so beneath your usual debating skills. *shrugs*
The point is you have told CC that she continues to argue her point while you do exactly the same thing.. but you knew that.
 red_relaxed
Joined: 7/18/2007
Msg: 44
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 12:42:32 PM

Another strawman....

Convienient alibi in your own defense for the sake of arguement.


People are routinely suspected, accused, arrested for things that may or may not in fact be true, and have every opportunity to come out smelling like a rose if they're innocent.

You missed my point.
I strongly disagree with this statement.
Many people do not have the opportunity or nor the means to defend themselves. However, that is another strawman and a great topic for discussion...and of course only my opinion.


Alerting someone, or warning them of the possibility of it being true is just as valid to me, as reporting an absolute truth. There is rarely smoke without a fire.
If I have two friends that are a couple, I would prevent or stop either one from transgressing against the other if I had information that would enable it.

You might. We cannot with any degree of certainty know what another would do with information such as we're describing; knowledge of infedility.
How long would you take to report to warn of this possibility? A day, a week, a year? Two?
I can however respect your motives. Not the OP's.
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 45
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should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 3:59:17 PM
Honestly, I have read all I can read of this thread. Who ordained you God to make this woman see the light? Leave her alone. She is married to a cheater. Do you really think she doesnt already know? Dont rub her nose in it. That's just mean.
My own sister is married to a man, for 30+ years, and he has always been a womanizer. He'd screw any woman who was willing. We, as her "loving" family, chose to tell her. That was 20 years ago. She chose to not believe. You'd be surprised how many women make the same choice. Your not doing her any favors. Keep your mouth shut.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 46
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should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 6:16:32 PM
No backpedaling here, maam.

In your opinion the victims enabled him…….to do what?
They enabled him to cheat by ignoring the blaring red flags he waved during thier courtships. They were so enamored by his seductive personality that they ignored that he was absent without explanation. He'd have to be to be able to have such a harem. Women know when they are not the only one the man they are involved with is seeing.. Read the threads here alone to get verification.
One of the women was involved with him for 7 years.. surely prior to catching him with another woman she would have suspected something?? As well, they were being used for their monetary benefits.. they paid for his vacations, got him jobs and saw nothing wrong with paying for him because of his "persuasive" way. The man was a gigalo.. Some enabled him by allowing themselves to be talked into the swingers lifestyle.. Highrisk and std testing should have been a regular event for the women who joined him in that lifestyle. Obviously those women are not too concerned about monogomy.

My heart goes out to these women who received a death sentence in exchange for their love.
As does mine.. by pointing out how they enabled him does not make me insensitive to their plight. I certainly would have tried to alert the other women in the same situation .. I do repeat.. Op's situation is not even remotely the same. And the link just took us off topic.

It is unfortunate that you chose to ignore the only relevant action, the one that led to his criminal convictions. I will repeat it, “He’d known about his HIV status for some years prior to her becoming infected.”
I repeat.. I do not condone his actions.. His evilness is obvious. It wasn't necessary for me to comment on it. Anyone who saw the video or red the articles would deduce that he should spend the rest of his infected life behind bars (sans his ballzzz IMO)
Your air of superiority and you peronal insults are I repeat.. don't put words in my mouth to try and make your point.

You took this off-topic
Are you off your meds? Repairguy took it off topic by introducing the link. It's unfortunate I chose to point out the difference between the link and this particular thread because it's taken it off the rails in relation.

OP: At this point.. it is none of your business.. If you tell her you will be deliberately hurting her when you know your motive is to hurt your wife and you are hopeful it will end her affair.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 47
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should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 9:21:27 PM
^^^^ Well, the cheating husband certainly isn't in any hurry to leave his disabled wife for the Op's ex or he would have certianly done it by now..

This thread is done..

I'm with OnDamove.. EVERYBODY DANCE ..!!!
 MyFunIsAnArtForm
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 48
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 9:25:59 PM
Don't waist your time. Find someone else.
Get over your anger because of her.
If you like drama, your doing the right thing by staying in her life.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 49
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should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/21/2009 4:45:12 AM
Think about the deliberateness of your proposed action and the responsibility of it.

This singular deliberate action is now only about your conduct.

You’ve had time to process and act with reason and hindsight.

Therefore can you hurting this woman be justified?

==========================================================

You have been hurt.
You are still hurt. We see that.
Does making her hurt the way you did…the way you do…make sense?

You’ve dealt with the cheating in your life; and that’s all that you are obligated to do.
Whatever is going on in another’s marriage… is irrelevant to you and your life.

Whatever you think you know about why people in marriages do things…the less you likely do.
In your case..your wife had an affair that you found out…and it hurt you.

You are making an assumption that it is exactly the same situation on the other side…

It may be...but it is also very likely not.

For all you know she already knows and has an arrangement with her husband to keep it discreet; or she knows and turns a blind eye because it works for her; or she doesn’t want to know and have to deal with it…because it means dealing with other things.

Affairs happen when something is wrong in a marriage…period.

You can rightfully blame your spouse for some of what was wrong …but you also have a role in and responsibility for whatever was wrong in your relationship that led to your spouse leaving your marriage. What those issues are, is between you and your wife now ex only.

The other spouse also has a role and responsibility for why her husband has turned outside of the marriage. Whatever reasons the man had for leaving his wife are between them; and you will never know really what those reasons are.

Just know that they are very unlikely to be the same reasons that played between you and your wife.

Whatever the current state; it is their marriage and their life.

You simply have no place in it.
 DaytonDennis
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 50
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should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/21/2009 10:32:08 AM
I have mixed feelings on this... My (ex)wife of 10 years, told me she wanted a divorce. I was still very much in love with her and told her, no - I have no reason to divorce you. She said, "Well, I will give you a reason - 4 years ago I had an affair." I said, "I forgive you, I still love you, let's heal our marriage" (YEAH YEAH, I know - DUH on me). Long story short, there was another man involved and there was really no changing her mind, so it ended as amiably as could be expected. Here's the thing - the affair 4 years earlier; if a friend or family member knew that it had happened (it was a one-nighter) would I have wanted them to tell me?? Well, first response is, YES! Let me know! But really, after thinking it over, I am glad that I didn't know and lived in ignorant half-bliss for those four final years. The only possible reason I would think of for telling someone is the possiblity of his giving her a STD. But you'd have to be absolutely certain it was a verifible fact.
Personally, I'd just leave it be.
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