Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > should I tell His wife he's cheating?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 46
view profile
History
should I tell His wife he's cheating?Page 7 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
Honestly, I have read all I can read of this thread. Who ordained you God to make this woman see the light? Leave her alone. She is married to a cheater. Do you really think she doesnt already know? Dont rub her nose in it. That's just mean.
My own sister is married to a man, for 30+ years, and he has always been a womanizer. He'd screw any woman who was willing. We, as her "loving" family, chose to tell her. That was 20 years ago. She chose to not believe. You'd be surprised how many women make the same choice. Your not doing her any favors. Keep your mouth shut.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 47
view profile
History
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 6:16:32 PM
No backpedaling here, maam.

In your opinion the victims enabled him…….to do what?
They enabled him to cheat by ignoring the blaring red flags he waved during thier courtships. They were so enamored by his seductive personality that they ignored that he was absent without explanation. He'd have to be to be able to have such a harem. Women know when they are not the only one the man they are involved with is seeing.. Read the threads here alone to get verification.
One of the women was involved with him for 7 years.. surely prior to catching him with another woman she would have suspected something?? As well, they were being used for their monetary benefits.. they paid for his vacations, got him jobs and saw nothing wrong with paying for him because of his "persuasive" way. The man was a gigalo.. Some enabled him by allowing themselves to be talked into the swingers lifestyle.. Highrisk and std testing should have been a regular event for the women who joined him in that lifestyle. Obviously those women are not too concerned about monogomy.

My heart goes out to these women who received a death sentence in exchange for their love.
As does mine.. by pointing out how they enabled him does not make me insensitive to their plight. I certainly would have tried to alert the other women in the same situation .. I do repeat.. Op's situation is not even remotely the same. And the link just took us off topic.

It is unfortunate that you chose to ignore the only relevant action, the one that led to his criminal convictions. I will repeat it, “He’d known about his HIV status for some years prior to her becoming infected.”
I repeat.. I do not condone his actions.. His evilness is obvious. It wasn't necessary for me to comment on it. Anyone who saw the video or red the articles would deduce that he should spend the rest of his infected life behind bars (sans his ballzzz IMO)
Your air of superiority and you peronal insults are I repeat.. don't put words in my mouth to try and make your point.

You took this off-topic
Are you off your meds? Repairguy took it off topic by introducing the link. It's unfortunate I chose to point out the difference between the link and this particular thread because it's taken it off the rails in relation.

OP: At this point.. it is none of your business.. If you tell her you will be deliberately hurting her when you know your motive is to hurt your wife and you are hopeful it will end her affair.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 48
view profile
History
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 9:21:27 PM
^^^^ Well, the cheating husband certainly isn't in any hurry to leave his disabled wife for the Op's ex or he would have certianly done it by now..

This thread is done..

I'm with OnDamove.. EVERYBODY DANCE ..!!!
 MyFunIsAnArtForm
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 49
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 9:25:59 PM
Don't waist your time. Find someone else.
Get over your anger because of her.
If you like drama, your doing the right thing by staying in her life.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 50
view profile
History
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/21/2009 4:45:12 AM
Think about the deliberateness of your proposed action and the responsibility of it.

This singular deliberate action is now only about your conduct.

You’ve had time to process and act with reason and hindsight.

Therefore can you hurting this woman be justified?

==========================================================

You have been hurt.
You are still hurt. We see that.
Does making her hurt the way you did…the way you do…make sense?

You’ve dealt with the cheating in your life; and that’s all that you are obligated to do.
Whatever is going on in another’s marriage… is irrelevant to you and your life.

Whatever you think you know about why people in marriages do things…the less you likely do.
In your case..your wife had an affair that you found out…and it hurt you.

You are making an assumption that it is exactly the same situation on the other side…

It may be...but it is also very likely not.

For all you know she already knows and has an arrangement with her husband to keep it discreet; or she knows and turns a blind eye because it works for her; or she doesn’t want to know and have to deal with it…because it means dealing with other things.

Affairs happen when something is wrong in a marriage…period.

You can rightfully blame your spouse for some of what was wrong …but you also have a role in and responsibility for whatever was wrong in your relationship that led to your spouse leaving your marriage. What those issues are, is between you and your wife now ex only.

The other spouse also has a role and responsibility for why her husband has turned outside of the marriage. Whatever reasons the man had for leaving his wife are between them; and you will never know really what those reasons are.

Just know that they are very unlikely to be the same reasons that played between you and your wife.

Whatever the current state; it is their marriage and their life.

You simply have no place in it.
 DaytonDennis
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 51
view profile
History
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/21/2009 10:32:08 AM
I have mixed feelings on this... My (ex)wife of 10 years, told me she wanted a divorce. I was still very much in love with her and told her, no - I have no reason to divorce you. She said, "Well, I will give you a reason - 4 years ago I had an affair." I said, "I forgive you, I still love you, let's heal our marriage" (YEAH YEAH, I know - DUH on me). Long story short, there was another man involved and there was really no changing her mind, so it ended as amiably as could be expected. Here's the thing - the affair 4 years earlier; if a friend or family member knew that it had happened (it was a one-nighter) would I have wanted them to tell me?? Well, first response is, YES! Let me know! But really, after thinking it over, I am glad that I didn't know and lived in ignorant half-bliss for those four final years. The only possible reason I would think of for telling someone is the possiblity of his giving her a STD. But you'd have to be absolutely certain it was a verifible fact.
Personally, I'd just leave it be.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 52
view profile
History
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/21/2009 10:21:04 PM

His marriage was his business.
Key word "was."


Truthful disclosure hurts only the guilty.
Not in this case it doesn't.. it would certainly hurt the disabled wife if she doesn't already know though.


Why do you people think a cheat deserves to wreak havoc in peace?
In therein lies the true motive for many of you who want him to tell the disabled wife.. You want wreak havoc in her husbands life.and op's ex's life. your concern is revenge.. PERIOD ..


Clearly the folks who say "leave it alone" have screwed over partners in the past and want their 'brothers/sisters in shame' to walk away without recompense.
And just how do you think telling the wife will give the cheater just punishment? Clearly you have (and still are) in pain and not yet over an infidelity. Particularily when you think an opinion makes us guilty of something.


Maybe the muslims are right - stone the guilty!
that would be op's ex and the husband.. The wife is not guilty here.. (nor are the posters that disagree with you) you'd be figuretivly stoning the disabled wife if one was to follow your logic.


Get your heads out of the sand ...
I'd imagine it's cleaner in the sand than where your's is currently parked.

I truly hope you are able to let go of your past and move on in peace.. you sound angry, bitter and hatefilled...hardly prime dating material.

Good luck.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 53
view profile
History
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 4:48:27 AM

Next time I see someone "key" your car mahogany-rush, I'll take your advice and "mind my own business.

^^^Should you help? You have proof in front of you; and it's a criminal act, so of course you should.

Next time I see someone do something to you that could be detrimental to you, I'll mind my own business.

^^^Again, you're seeing it --proof and if criminal there is an onus to act.

The next time you need help... I'll mind my own business. The next time some white, southern, baptist yokels get all drunk, riled up and take things into their own bumpkin hands... know what? I'll mind my own business.

^^^Again, it's playing out in front of you...you're seeing it and it's criminal it's incumbent upon anyone to help to act and that's entirely different thing than interfering in a marriage.

Adultery is not a criminal act.
Criminal acts require intervention. That's the difference.

A marriage is completely different than your neat and tidy list of must-act scenarios that happen in public because it is a private entity, not a public one.

It even goes beyond private to enshrine only the two members that are a part of its contract....not the family...not the extended family...just the two parties involved. Entirely exclusive, meaning it's none of anyone's business but the 2 parties involved.

The objective of the OP here is entirely suspect. Having worked through and dealt with the more immediate effects of finding out his partner has had an affair....his involvement now having divorced her...is OVER in her life....and thus, anyone SHE further involves herself with.

Therefore his motivation now appears to be only be one thing...not having dealt with all of the 'residual stuff' around this issue, it seems that he's seeking to stir the pot further which is akin to wanting to see revenge...justice...payback...whatever you call it....and his pending conduct here to interfere, given those motivations is simply wrong.

"Who's place is it to talk to her if not the OPs?" Hahahaha, what a joke. People like you don't answer questions, you just ridicule.

^^^Her husband is number one on the list of having 'this place'...as he's the marriage partner. People who commit affairs...do often eventually confess to them to their spouses. He may do so still.

Beyond that understand this...anyone of us who willingly involves ourselves romantically with others is not guaranteed that in doing so, that things will end well. We all take that risk with our heart. 'As adults' we all take risks in all choices that we make in our lives.

The wife is not of tender years here nor a child that needs to fall under 'society's wing and 'protection'. She's an adult. And when someone is an adult they understand that all sorts of things may happen as a bi-product of entwining one's life with another and of choices that they willingly make to be a part of someone's life.

Society doesn't need to protect an adult from choices that they consciously make and paths that they deliberately take...that don't guarantee their individual happiness. That is not the role of society.

With adulthood comes reality; and yes, that 'bite' often is not hard enough to land you in jeopardy....just hard enough that you need to make changes, pull away...to regroup, and be a bit introspective before coming out for the next go 'round. And it's clear to me anyway, that he's not done enough of that yet.

If there is clear jeopardy to any individual, then society has a role and must intervene imo, regardless of the marriage contract. This is not one of those instances.
jmo
jmo

edit
~~
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 54
view profile
History
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 7:37:33 AM

I'm really surprised at the amount of people that think someone should be left in the dark when being cheated on. Just because you bury your head in the sand doesn't mean the problem doesn't exist. Grow up. I'd much rather know the truth and get hurt than the people around me know the truth and I look like a complete fool. It's happened to me in the past and I still resent the people who knew but didn't tell me.
> And yet another "dater" who hasn't come to terms with their past BAGGAGE in order to meet someone and actually be happy with their life.


I'd much rather know the truth and get hurt than the people around me know the truth and I look like a complete fool
Are you honestly trying to convince us that if people who 'knew' told you that your wife was cheating that you'd feel any less the fool? Hardly!

* After appollo's last outburst any credibility he MAY have had went completely out the window, especially considering his lifestyle. A lifestyle that he agreed to just (apparently) because his wife beat him to it.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 55
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 8:20:53 AM
It's certainly a fine line, there, between "not my business" and "I feel it's my responsibility to give the cheatee all the information so she can make her own decision".

I'm in the latter group, and it has nothing to do with baggage from previous relationships--I've never been cheated upon. And, frankly, don't know but ONE guy who ever cheated (and we all gave him sh*t and made him 'fess up to his finacee, or we would have told her. She married him, anyway--so NOW it's none of my business. She HAS all the info she needs to make an informed decision). I don't really care if the woman never speaks to me again, either. She can pretend all she wants, but it won't chage the facts.

I'm one of those people who can't stand by and see injustice happen. So if I see someone smacking his dog, I'll say something to him. It's not against the law, either, but it IS against my moral code. If I see someone tearing up a tree, I'll say something to him. To me, it doesn't MATTER if it's against the LAW or not, if it's WRONG, I'll bring it to everyone's attention.

You know what? Back in my mom's day, no one ever said anything about spousal abuse, either--even when they knew it was going on. Would you step up and say something now?
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 56
view profile
History
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 8:30:12 AM

You know what? Back in my mom's day, no one ever said anything about spousal abuse, either--even when they knew it was going on. Would you step up and say something now?
Are you saying that the wife doesn't realize that they're being hit??? Everyone knows that a victim of spousal abuse won't leave her husband until she "gets" that she deserves more than what's she getting. It's very similar to an alcoholic.. you can tell them till you're blue in the face and they won't stop drinking till they "get" it.

Telling a good friend when you have undisputable truth that their spouse is cheating is one thing.. telling a complete stranger is quite another..

Your tree analogy is skewed.. If you said you would tell the spouse of the tree cutter that he was doing wrong to the tree.. then it would be the same as Op's scenerio. The dog smacker.. well you are speaking directly to the guilty party.. not the dog smacker's innocent wife.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 57
view profile
History
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 8:53:30 AM

wishes granted: What's your beef? You have no business saying I haven't come to terms with anything. You don't even know me. Judge people much?
You are correct sir.. I do not know you personally. I judge by this thread and your many other posts in other threads.. You're inner self is revealed in many, many of your posts. Misogyny is hard to hide here in the fora.. particularily when it is consistant. Merely my observation.. my apologies if I've struck a nerve and revealed a bit of your sub-conscious state.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 58
view profile
History
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 8:55:16 AM

You know what? Back in my mom's day, no one ever said anything about spousal abuse, either--even when they knew it was going on. Would you step up and say something now?

^^^I would. That's why I wrote this below...

sweetest: If there is clear jeopardy to any individual, then society has a role and must intervene imo, regardless of the marriage contract. This is not one of those instances.

Further, I would intervene on behalf of most of what you've indicated out of the same earnest sense of doing the right thing; by living by my own moral code. That same code doesn't permit me to feel that I can intrude on someone else's life out of a sense of doing the right thing. She is not in mortal danger....if she were...a different response.

This woman is not known to this man. That said she already has people in her life that are friends to her...that are family to her...and, if they are close to her and close enough to them as a couple; they will likely have seen the fine print of the tracks that her husband has left behind...and may have already taken it upon themselves to advise her accordingly.

I'm personally of the opinion that women in particular...almost always know when something's amiss in their lives...whether that's in their own bodies...with their children...or in their relationship. There's nothing scientific about my point of view, it's merely that.I believe.

I also truly believe that many women don't want to 'know'...meaning that they'd prefer not to have confirmation of some suspicion...because it means actually then having to 'do something' and perhaps they'd rather just not...because it means change...or some drastic upheaval that they're uncomfortable making.

I've also been the shoulder to many. I don't interfere in others personal choices or personal lives unless they've specifically asked me to; or if there is jeopardy that I'm aware of. With friends there is going to be a calculated risk in going forward; and while I may it might be okay if it involves a friend--- it's still a risk because like it or not people create their own reality and what that is and what is truly important to them...may often not be the same as what's important to you. Be part of crushing and bringing that down...and there will be a price to pay....for all you know...the 'whole thing' was working for them.

Btw...I've never cheated on anyone, but I've been cheated on. I still would not appreciate someone interfering in my personal life. jmo.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 59
view profile
History
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 9:44:21 AM

Iget a real kick out of the way every man that takes the male side of things or points out double standards is suddenly "a woman hater".
So.. it appears that you agree that you often put down women and impose your "male side of things." You impose that stance often and you often lump all "women" as being exactly the same as who you rebut with. I won't address the rest of your post because it's your usual posting M.O. to deflect from the topic at hand or the question posed and try to incite defensiveness in who you address. The truth is in the eating of the pudding.. I don't need to defend my opinion of your posting history. Particularily when you reinforce it the way you just did.

BTW: You didn't answer my question: Do you honestly think you would actually feel less of a fool if a total stranger told you your SO was cheating on you???
 varinia
Joined: 1/1/2009
Msg: 60
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 2:27:14 PM
This is not an easy situation. I believe in 'the golden rule'. With that in mind, I know that I'd want to know and I would have a lot of resentment against people that could have told me and didn't.

So, I'd be a hypocrite if I were just turn my head and pretend I didn't know anything.

I might handle it like this: I'd go to the wife and ask her if I could discuss something with her. It's a very difficult situation and I don't really know how to handle it. I'd ask if she believes in the golden rule and if there was something negative, would she want to know or would she prefer another person would stay out of it. I would let her know that I'm very conflicted by this, but I'd rather give her the choice to know or not to know. I'd also let her know that I could possibly mis-interprete something, but that I didn't think so. I'd tell her that I'd want to know, but that I realize not everyone feels like this. And then I'd let her lead the direction of the discussion.......
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 61
view profile
History
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 3:21:13 PM
^^^ I'd say THAT is what says it all. Thank you for being so succinct ..

Excellent rebuttal Pro-filer. I think that anyone who, after reading your post, still refuses to understand why you shouldn't tell a complete stranger her spouse is commiting infidelity ~ must suffer from tunnel vision in the 9th degree.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 62
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 11:01:58 PM

Which assumes everyone believes as you do


And you dont make that same assumption? At least Varinia said she would give her the option, before she told her. You didn't give her that courtesy.

If you read the post there were a lot of people that would want to know and a lot of people that wouldn't. So let's just say there is a 50/50 chance that you would be right or wrong whatever you decided to do.

I left this thread 6-7 pages ago, because people were just so stuck on their opinion all they wanted to do is force their opinion on others.
 bmore_goat
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 63
view profile
History
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/23/2009 2:34:10 AM

I left this thread 6-7 pages ago, because people were just so stuck on their opinion all they wanted to do is force their opinion on others.

Yeah, my fun meter peaked when someone made the analogy of rapist, child-molesters and thieves to someone having an affair.
I think OP has more than enough to make up his mind.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 64
view profile
History
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/23/2009 8:11:49 AM
Your corner of the world is rather lovely.
What seems to belie this charming image..not so much.

Your description of the motivations of some of the residents therein....people willy-nilly moving through life...launching themselves into the lives of others...without restraint...cloaked under the umbrellas of 'being a brother's keeper'...and 'community noseyness' ..suggest a rationale with no consideration of consequences....or of responsibility about the impact of their actions on others.

I was raised to understand that it's wrong to deliberately hurt someone.
Everything that can be done that is wrong in thought, action or in deed springs from that.

Nothing else is actually as important in each of our lives than protecting ourselves from individual harm. Every aspect of it...especially modern life....designed to keep us safe.

But who would have thought that curtain twitchers run amok and their rather 'sticky' rationale for existence and righteousness could be harmful....??

````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
I could never choose to willingly go and deliberately hurt another soul. And that is the singular most important statement anyone need ever understand about me.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

AND ON EDIT


Blowing the whistle on this sounds like something you could easily regret in the future. How would you feel if someone in this love triangle killed or seriously injured another, or killed themselves as a result? My guess is not too good.

^^^Completely agree.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 65
view profile
History
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/23/2009 2:41:03 PM

curtain twitchers run amok
Ya gotta love THAT

So, lets recap: We, Me an' by beau, are devestated: Our barn and all the animals therein have perished in a fire.. I've been left disabled after trying to save my favorite horse.. All the fine folk in my community have a barn raising and during the barn raising, Some stranger I've never met but is the type "who would want to know" takes it upon themselves to tell me: "Excuse me, but the reason your barn burnt down is because Bubba (my beau) was havin relations with "Daisy" (the strangers wife) and the coleman lamp tipped over" ..

Please.. continue to be neighbourly and helpful to people in your community.. help them when you KNOW they need help.. other than that... why would you want to take a chance on breaking their heart even further.. particularily when you don't even know who they are and you won't be in a position to continue your neighbourliness by comforting them in their further grief ..
 psm56
Joined: 6/22/2007
Msg: 66
view profile
History
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 10/4/2009 6:35:54 AM
Absolutely, especially when they travel a lot, If I were the wife, I would want to know, you know the old saying" once a cheat always a cheat".Then she could decide whether she wants to stay with the loser or not.I'd get rid of him so fast!
 ninjaeleven
Joined: 7/15/2009
Msg: 67
view profile
History
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 10/4/2009 9:44:31 AM
Yes you should.
 WHITE CANOPY
Joined: 3/29/2009
Msg: 68
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 10/4/2009 10:00:37 AM
she knows. we know when things are not right and we know when things change. women especially know. we feel.... the only time we dont know is when we pretend the signs are not there.. when we ignore the red flags...... THINGS THAT ARE DONE IN THE DARK WILL COME TO LIGHT!
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 69
view profile
History
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 10/6/2009 9:16:05 AM
Not so much as wrecking havoc on the marriage, but crumbling a disabled woman's life.

Come on, we know with OP's cyber stalking and revenge talk, this isnt being done in the best interest of the victim, the OP's, boyfriends wife. He's doing it to cause pain to his ex, and the boyfriend. No other reason. If he were "over it" as he claims, he wouldnt intertain the thought of bringing an innocent person's world down over their head. He is just trying to validate his actions.

So, what now? Are we all so morally conscious, that we have to report everything we see wrong? In that case, there are a few thousand pot smokers on this site alone. Work on that , if you want to do good.

Sure, there are times in your life when you do have to step up to the plate. But if it hurts an innocent, disabled, person, how can this be right?
Besides, the cheating wife, probably isnt too happy either. Boyfriend isnt leaving his wife for her. Maybe he and his wife do have an agreement, lots of paraplegics are married and unable to perform sexually, Though, we dont know how the wife is disabled. We can surmise all we want, bottom line, nothing good comes from revenge. Op is on the road to regaining his life, best not to take one step back for every two steps forward. Op is only putting off his own recovery, dwelling on this. Maybe he gets off on having some sort of control/threat, over his ex and her boyfriend.
 funksoulbrutha
Joined: 1/3/2009
Msg: 70
view profile
History
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 10/9/2009 1:37:02 PM
Yes, tell her. She's here with me.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > should I tell His wife he's cheating?