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 WasabiGal
Joined: 8/10/2009
Msg: 58
Wife finds porn on computer and....Page 2 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
That's what porn is for. To get your fix of other women while being legally bound to one without actually cheating.


I like this.

I am wondering if the poster(s) who think that looking at porn is the equivalent of cheating also think that masturbating is cheating? Wouldn't it be? After all, you're enjoying sexual/erotic pleasure or stimulation with someone who you are not married to. Worse, it's same sex. Yikes. Better get a divorce.

as for the poster who says that porn is a guy thing. I am a woman. No resemblance to a man. I despise shoe and clothes shopping. I'd rather be having sex. I like porn, but something original. I find mainstream porn to be a bore, especially if it's aimed at men. I don't regard porn as cheating. Some academics have argued that romance novels are porn for women (and I believe there was poster who mentioned romance novels... what do you think Harlequin is selling? And as I used to work for that company, they actually do have erotic lines now, which are really explicit - lots of rigid arousals straining against jeans or pressing against womanhoods) . But as someone else said, men are more visual than women. So many women don't get the appeal of "porn" yet think there is nothing wrong with reading a romance novel. I think that young women who think that porn is cheating are truly not in touch with reality. For those gals, if you find a guy who agrees with you, I bet he's got some wierd peccadilloes .....far worse than looking at the occasional porn.

Edit post

Edit: Just read Sweetiepie's post.....she already mentioned Harlequin...and she was far more succinct.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 59
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Wife finds porn on computer and....
Posted: 9/23/2009 6:16:03 PM

JUst hide yo loot. They are so damn sensitive to it.
Here's a better idea, why not find a gal who'll not get all bent out of shape if you view it every now and again, rather than one you feel won't understand and cut off your balllzzzz if she found it??? Or, in your eyes, would the "type" of girl that would accept your porn not be worthy for an actual relationship??
 _SYN_
Joined: 9/20/2009
Msg: 60
Wife finds porn on computer and....
Posted: 9/23/2009 6:21:22 PM
I wouldn't have a problem with my partner looking at porn. What I would have a problem with is if that porn was personally sent from women he was having convo's with on line.
 Crane38
Joined: 8/8/2009
Msg: 61
Wife finds porn on computer and....
Posted: 9/23/2009 6:23:55 PM
My question would be what the hell are you doing on a dating site when you are married? Maybe Porn is the least of her problems, I'm just saying?
 _SYN_
Joined: 9/20/2009
Msg: 62
Wife finds porn on computer and....
Posted: 9/23/2009 6:26:49 PM
lmao good point crane38
 Zebra Circle
Joined: 4/12/2009
Msg: 66
Wife finds porn on computer and....
Posted: 9/24/2009 6:46:31 AM
The hiding of the porn seems to be a big issue with many women. They blame the man for hiding it.

But really, isn't it a poor reflection of the woman? If the wife was putting out signals that viewing porn is okay and maybe even encouraged, don't you think the guy (or most guys) wouldn't feel the need to hide it?

I blame the wife for a guy feeling he has to hide porn. She obviously has the communication problem. It should have been up to her if she was so worried about her husband possibly hiding porn to say, "Honey, I know that there's a strong possibility that you might enjoy viewing porn. If you ever feel the need, I just want you to know that I'm DEFINITELY okay with it, so don't feel you ever have to hide it from me."

Of course, the wife has never probably taken it upon herself to open up this discussion. But worse, she has somewhere along the lines made the husband feel that viewing porn is probably a bad thing -- so thus, he hides it.

My advice to the guy is create a folder on your computer and title it "Automotive parts catalog." Store all your porn in that folder; she'll never bother to check that out.

 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 67
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Wife finds porn on computer and....
Posted: 9/24/2009 7:49:32 AM
Dan Savage had an interesting response about the subject recently.

Here's the deal from my point of view: women need to accept that guys like porn and it isn't a personal affront. It should only be a problem if it's interfering with your sex life i.e. he prefers it over actual sex. AND, that being said, many women are uncomfortable with it. Why? Who cares why, they are. So, the guys need to be discreet about it and keep it out of our faces. If you do that, the women get to pretend they don't know. It's sort of a don't ask, don't tell thing.

As for what she thinks - well, when you use the word "confront" it sounds . . . confrontational. You didn't indicate that her response was, "Oh, cool! Let's get down!" So, the manner in which she "confronted" you is probably going to tell you something about how she feels about it.

Ideally, you ought to be able to just ask her but if she's really uncomfortable about it, you may just make matters worse right now by bringing it up. In calmer times, you might bring it up indirectly and just see how she responds. How do conversations about sex go in general? Is she relaxed about it or embarrassed?

I think the pragmatic thing in a situation like this is "I'm sorry, whatever was I thinking?" and be more discreet in the future. Make sure you have your own computer, don't use each other's computers, and don't have a naked lady as your desktop photo unless it's her.
 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 68
Wife finds porn on computer and....
Posted: 9/24/2009 7:54:22 AM

The hiding of the porn seems to be a big issue with many women. They blame the man for hiding it.


I think hiding anything (or feeling the need to) is/should be an issue with everyone in a relationship.

Listen to him.....I screwed up and had it in the open and made a "lame" excuse. HE thinks it's wrong. HE's feeling guilty.

Why the hell are we not finding out who each other is...disclosing what we are...and discussing things before we get involved/married.

I don't blame her...she hasn't done anything except make it aware she saw it. And if she has a MAJOR problem with it...should have been part of the "Do's and Don't" list prior to the " I do's".

There are no brainers in life. You shouldn't have to declare that abusing animals is not allowed. But, hanging out with friends, night club without SO (girls or boys night out), stripper bars, hunting weekends, etc....

Most important...if something pops up that bothers your SO...you have to decide what is more important...your SO's feelings or the behavior. Likewise, your SO has to decide what is more important...their feelings or the conflict.


Just because I don't see an issue with something...doesn't mean my SO doesn't. And it's not always an issue with control...unless it is with every aspect of life.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 69
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Wife finds porn on computer and....
Posted: 9/24/2009 10:24:39 AM

I blame the wife for a guy feeling he has to hide porn. She obviously has the communication problem. It should have been up to her if she was so worried about her husband possibly hiding porn to say, "Honey, I know that there's a strong possibility that you might enjoy viewing porn. If you ever feel the need, I just want you to know that I'm DEFINITELY okay with it, so don't feel you ever have to hide it from me."
Uhm.. I think not. If you are into porn and you plan on watchin and a pullin after you're an item.. then It's up to you to disclose your preference. Something like .. "Oh btw darl'n.. I like porn and I'll be watching it now and again.. how do you feel about that?" If she freaks, then time to compromise, discuss, watch together to desensitize her to it, wank together? .. If none of that works, she still considers it cheating and wants you to stop. well, then time to find someone more compatible.. cause if you hide it after that kind of communication then it's just a matter of time before your relationship ends anyway.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 70
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Wife finds porn on computer and....
Posted: 9/24/2009 11:08:40 AM
BTW: The best way to start such a conversation without actually initiating the dialogue is to leave a Playboy, Hustler, or porn tape on your coffee table like it's no big deal.. If she's against it and you don't know her enough to figure out her views on sexuality by now .. you'll soon know how she feels about it when she sees a part of your stash.
 Zebra Circle
Joined: 4/12/2009
Msg: 71
Wife finds porn on computer and....
Posted: 9/24/2009 1:22:16 PM

I blame the wife for a guy feeling he has to hide porn. She obviously has the communication problem. It should have been up to her if she was so worried about her husband possibly hiding porn to say, "Honey, I know that there's a strong possibility that you might enjoy viewing porn. If you ever feel the need, I just want you to know that I'm DEFINITELY okay with it, so don't feel you ever have to hide it from me."


Uhm.. I think not. If you are into porn and you plan on watchin and a pullin after you're an item.. then It's up to you to disclose your preference. Something like .. "Oh btw darl'n.. I like porn and I'll be watching it now and again.. how do you feel about that?" If she freaks, then time to compromise, discuss, watch together to desensitize her to it, wank together? .. If none of that works, she still considers it cheating and wants you to stop. well, then time to find someone more compatible.. cause if you hide it after that kind of communication then it's just a matter of time before your relationship ends anyway.

So now we're playing a game of "you go first?!"

Women: What are you always harping on men about? Answer: Us guys aren't good communicators!

My god, we hear that mantra shoved down our throats over and over. So with that knowledge about the differences in genders, ladies, please, take the d*mn initiative and open this dialogue on porn if it could potentially bother you so.

This particular OP (and he's far from being alone) felt the need to hide his porn viewing habits because for whatever reason, he sort of knew -- deep down -- that his old lady was probably against it. You sort of know after a point if your siginficant other is okay with these sorts of things. So with that, it was HER responsibility to address this issue.

Of course, body language is a good communication tool, so she was probably conveying all along through the years what her views on her husband watching porn were. The husband, intelligent man that he is, knew that he had better hide it then. His only mistake, like I pointed out, was that he mislabeled his photo folder on his computer.

I stand by my original comment.
 Lint Spotter
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 72
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Wife finds porn on computer and....
Posted: 9/24/2009 1:26:06 PM

My god, we hear that mantra shoved down our throats over and over. So with that knowledge about the differences in genders, ladies, please, take the d*mn initiative and open this dialogue on porn if it could potentially bother you so.
Absolutely correct... and as an added bonus, it's his fault that I turn into a raving tyrant once a month because he never bothered to ask me if I get PMS...

Goose, gander and all that...
 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 73
Wife finds porn on computer and....
Posted: 9/24/2009 1:40:57 PM
Honeyangel 1985,

Holy crap! I read ALL of your post here... Your freaking out of your tree!
What a warped sense of life you've got!
Someone's bitter and pissed at the world....YOU!
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 74
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Wife finds porn on computer and....
Posted: 9/24/2009 1:53:07 PM

Women: What are you always harping on men about? Answer: Us guys aren't good communicators! ..My god, we hear that mantra shoved down our throats over and over. So with that knowledge about the differences in genders, ladies, please, take the d*mn initiative and open this dialogue on porn if it could potentially bother you so.
I Repeat.. BTW: The best way to start such a conversation without actually initiating the dialogue is to leave a Playboy, Hustler, or porn tape on your coffee table like it's no big deal.. If she's against it and you don't know her enough to figure out her views on sexuality by now .. you'll soon know how she feels about it when she sees a part of your stash.

I stand by my original comment as well.. If you have to hide it because she'll call you a cheater, you're views on sexuality are not compatible and your relationship will eventually consist of nothing BUT wackin off to porn.. That's probably why you figure you better just keep quiet and hide it from the beginning .. Silly Goose!
 phoenixrising28
Joined: 6/14/2006
Msg: 75
Wife finds porn on computer and....
Posted: 9/24/2009 2:51:06 PM
I NEVER post, but you got me so freaking riled up by this... I'm Big Pacific's SO, the one you say he clearly doesn't care about... I absolutly don't consider porn cheating (BTW, if watching it on t.v isn't cheating, why is watching it on the computer? I can just as easily put a DVD in my computer, does that now mean I'm not watching a movie??). And (since I saw you post it elsewhere in this thread) I ALSO am perfectly ok with him having female friends, it's not cheating. And ::gasp:: he has female friends I've never met, AND he might go out with them (or co workers) without me. Should I insist that he fire his secretary and hire a man, so he doesn't talk to any women? I'm not perfect, but I'm not so insecure as to think that his whole being, every thought, and conversation be directed at me.
(and yes, I DID tell him about this website and I love that he posts here) Damn, does that mean I'm a swinger?
And for someone who says "there are no right or wrong" with regards to values, you are awfully judgemental

signed
- a cheating, cheated on, valueless chick
 StarreGazer
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 76
Wife finds porn on computer and....
Posted: 9/24/2009 2:55:27 PM

Msg: 8 -- Even a married man needs to release some tension once in a
while...


HUH!?!?! OK, pardon me for my lack of understanding, but a wife should
be the one most in tune with her husband's fantasies, AND vice versa.
The test of the solidarity of their marriage is how willing they are
to REALIZE each other's fantasies. If such is realized to the CORE of
BOTH partners, the marriage is a success. If either BALKS, the
marriage is a FAILURE.

Hmm, "Even a married man needs to release some tension once in a
while..."?!? What, your WIFE isn't GOOD enough? WTF? Why did you MARRY
her? If you even have to form such a question in your HEAD concerning
your wife, you married the WRONG woman, and I PITY her! SHE married
the WRONG man!!!! The PERFECT matches are the ones who can FREELY give
the gift of "Fantasy Satisfaction" without hesitation. In the, what,
example(?) given, I find "release some tension" to be SADLY lacking in
what I consider to be the ideal mate. A man and his wife should
release their "tensions" between themselves, NOT between EACH and
"SOME OTHER". A marriage is a relationship of CONTINUAL discussion, a
discussion which should NEVER be abandoned for ANY reason. This
discussion should ALWAYS include changing desires, REGARDLESS of the
magnitude of change.

It is to be understood that should such a change REQUIRE an undesired
change of attitude in the MATE, the mate should have the safe haven of
abandoning the relationship due to faulty processing. To me, "Faulty
Processing" means the disputing mate has run into a relationship
"Brick Wall" which can NOT be penetrated, either through philosophy,
basic desires, or basic turn-offs. Such things can not be controlled,
only endured.



Msg: 9 -- I think it's amazing that on the same site that people will
call me vanilla because I gave the big "EWWWWW" when a gal asks that
some other guy deposits his junk inside her and then asks him (bf) to
retrieve it orally...will then have a problem with this.


HMPH!!!! I respond with the same "EWWWWW"!!!! Such a request
simultaneously requests an END to what I would have thought desirable.
A woman who expresses even a remote desire for another shows a less
than satisfactory desire for me. As such, she should be set free to
pursue her desire, which OBVIOUSLY excludes me. By such expression,
she has forever terminated any desire I may have felt for her.



I could care less if a SO of mine looks at porn. I don't care where
she goes to get her appetite...as long as she comes home for dinner.


If she shows desire for another, my desire for her terminates by
default. Once I know the truth, I could care LESS if she EVER comes
"home for dinner".



Your response could have been more like...yup...I've taken a gander
from time to time.


I do NOT. Once I have established my interest in a woman, I take no
other "ganders". Others fail to interest me, UNLESS she displays an
interest in someone else. Once that happens, she will NEVER regain my
interest. I then search for another.



Every once in awhile...you might even come upon a new trick....you old
dog.


If the "trick" is with HER, I have NO difficulty in presenting
something "new" to her, OR in receiving inspiration from something
"new" that she chooses to present to our repertoire.

 montanaj16
Joined: 12/3/2007
Msg: 79
Wife finds porn on computer and....
Posted: 9/24/2009 6:07:02 PM
and why oh why is the porn viewing not a shared thing amongst the married couple?


omg you guys are MARRIED......can you not find some common ground where both of you view it together and use it in a mutually stimulating way?
 needonly1hot1
Joined: 3/13/2009
Msg: 80
Wife finds porn on computer and....
Posted: 9/24/2009 6:14:38 PM
The porn I wouldn't give a sh^^ about. I think it would be something for my parnter and me to enjoy together.....my beef would be, why is my HUSBAND posting questions on a DATING site?????/
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 81
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Wife finds porn on computer and....
Posted: 9/24/2009 7:31:15 PM

omg you guys are MARRIED......can you not find some common ground where both of you view it together and use it in a mutually stimulating way?


He said she wasn't into it. Or at least that's what she said.

I've actually been thinking about this. You know, everyone has different concepts of "fidelity" and obviously you can't assume that your partners expectations around this will be identical to your own. There really needs to be some dialogue about it while everyone is in a good mood.

I really think that unless it's cutting into your sex life, that your partner watching porn and/or masturbating is a sign that they are a sexual person and shouldn't be interfered with. We aren't available to each other every minute of the day and it's okay for us to do to ourselves something that feels really good. And yeah, some people get uncomfortable about it. So I think it's okay to accept that and be discreet.

She may change her mind over time and ask you to move over and watch it with you. Or not. Maybe you should get a sexy book and read it together. In bed Try reading Mars and Venus in the Bedroom together. That might get the conversation going.
 afashionlady
Joined: 4/19/2008
Msg: 82
Wife finds porn on computer and....
Posted: 9/24/2009 7:53:48 PM

OK, pardon me for my lack of understanding, but a wife should be the one most in tune with her husband's fantasies, AND vice versa. The test of the solidarity of their marriage is how willing they are to REALIZE each other's fantasies. If such is realized to the CORE of BOTH partners, the marriage is a success. If either BALKS, the marriage is a FAILURE.


Honeyangel...meet starrgazer...Ithink you all are a perfect match!!!!!
 uno_bello_italiano
Joined: 5/1/2009
Msg: 83
Wife finds porn on computer and....
Posted: 9/24/2009 8:57:41 PM
dude...are you serious??? you cant even look at porn without getting a hard time??? let me guess she thinks its cheating?? get real man...you tell her to shut up and deal with it....god forbid you look at a magazine or pics or video..damn
 OjosAzules777
Joined: 1/23/2009
Msg: 84
Wife finds porn on computer and....
Posted: 9/25/2009 8:16:34 AM
Porn isn't cheating. Period.

Your wife has the right to pissed for these THREE reasons:

1) You are paying for the sh*t.

2) You are jerking off and not giving her any.

3) The porn is just plain gross or there for shock purposes.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 85
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Wife finds porn on computer and....
Posted: 9/26/2009 9:12:29 PM

Porn isn't cheating. Period.

Your wife has the right to pissed for these THREE reasons:

1) You are paying for the sh*t.

2) You are jerking off and not giving her any.

3) The porn is just plain gross or there for shock purposes.


May I respectfully beg to differ?

Point #1: presumably, each of them has some discretionary income that they don't have to account to each other for. If he's spending lots on it, that's another issue, but there's plenty free stuff available.

Point #2: If he isn't giving her any, that's a valid complaint. But you don't know that this is cutting into his sex life with her. It actually may get him even more interested. Or it's effect may be neutral.

Point #3: You don't know that. It might be, but not necessarily.

Really, this underscores the need to have some good conversation about it. It comes up a lot, not just in these forums but elsewhere.

I used to work in construction. I'm telling you, if women knew what men were like when there were no women around, a lot of them would freak out. Not all, but a lot. A lot of people *like* erotic imagery and this is not just a modern thing. Guys seem to have more of an interest than women and it makes a lot of women uncomfortable. I really believe that this is something that women need to accept about men and that the men, on their part, need to respect the women's uncomfortable feelings and keep it private.

You know, sometimes one partner in a couple has an interest in some sexual activity that they're afraid to bring up and so one way of bringing it up is by "accidentally" leaving something depicting that activity where the partner will find it.

For whatever reason, it's a hard subject for many of us to talk about but it's an important one. Sex is the glue that keeps a relationship together. It's important to keep it fun and loving and interesting and open and mutual. Not many of us seem very successful at it.

OP, you could use this as an opportunity to start some heartfelt dialogue with your wife. Commit to an honest ongoing good faith effort. You're married. You wanted this to last, this is an opportunity to grow, even if it means learning to respect her boundaries on this and keeping the porn out of her face.

Good luck.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 86
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Wife finds porn on computer and....
Posted: 9/26/2009 9:16:49 PM
By the way, I'll add one more point that a young friend of mine made. Are romance novels porn for women? Often described as "bodice-rippers," they feature romance and lots of sexual longing, and even written descriptions of sex. It's well documented that women often prefer *written* erotica and mend tend to prefer visual. Not *all,* but these are general preferences. So, should men be outraged if their women like to read romance novels? Is she "cheating" by reading romantic fantasies? Shoot, women read them right out in the open, at the lunch table at work even! Should men be offended by this?
 SleepyMcGee
Joined: 5/16/2008
Msg: 87
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Wife finds porn on computer and....
Posted: 9/27/2009 7:25:04 AM
I hopefully wouldn't be married to a woman who has such a problem with porn. But I'd hopefully be married to a woman I could happily masturbate to the thought of if she wasn't around
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