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 Walygatr
Joined: 8/25/2009
Msg: 2
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How (not?) to end a relationshipPage 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
When it ends without an explanation it usually means there's someone else, maybe not in your case, but usually.
 StarliteKisses
Joined: 11/25/2007
Msg: 3
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How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 10:09:29 AM
It is really beyond me how some people can be so callous. You did deserve better. She obviously didn't want to start talking to you about her change of heart when she first started feeling this way. She just let it build and then felt justified to make a quick exit.

Hope you can keep an open heart and find someone who is truly right for you.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 5
How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 11:58:34 AM
It's been my experience that break ups are never a surprise.
People don't usually wake up in the morning and decide to
break off a relationship.
Usually the plans are weeks, months or sometimes years in the
planning.
Sometimes it takes that much courage to even broach the subject...
most times it just seems easier to go with the flow.
Six months doesn't seem like a long time to me, but for whatever reason
she wasn't as happy with you as she let you think. She was trying to let
you down easy...blaming herself when in fact she probably felt guilty that
she was lacking the attention for you that you probably deserved.
Cowardly? Maybe. Not very nice? Absolutely.
But IMO its better now than 10 years down the road.
But that's just me of course.
I think we spend too much time worrying about the whys of things when
the reality is...in the end everything works out just fine. If things aren't
just fine...well it just isn't the end.

Now that you have had it confirmed from the POFPP's that she was indeed
a cad for breaking up with you like that...are your feelings validated? Do you
feel better? I didn't think so.
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 6
How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 12:12:53 PM
A lame, one-paragraph email break up is only marginally better than her doing a complete disappearance on you.

Like someone else said - if it were a few dates, an email may have been acceptable. But 6 months? Totally LAME and unacceptable.
 TopChuck
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 7
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How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 12:48:48 PM

Women (and men) usually don't turn loose of the vine they're swinging from until they have another firmly in hand.


"The vine, Jane! The Vine!!!!"

.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 8
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How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 2:52:32 PM
You thought things were great, they weren't and you have a good attitude about the whole thing but she did you a favor by ending it this way, you have no niggling doubts about how great she was, yada, yada. The only thing I would do in your shoes is run over things in your head and see if you missed a subtle change in her behavior prior to the fated e-mail.

I experienced something similar a couple of years ago although the breakup started with him just not calling one day, which stretched into two weeks. When I finally e-mailed, I got the break-up e-mail in response. My biggest problem with how he chose to end a 7-month relationship was that we began things with it important to both of us that we were friends, wth, I don't treat my friends so cavalierly.
 Aries Jade
Joined: 1/22/2009
Msg: 9
How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 3:11:26 PM
Dear Mister C,

I'm so sorry you went through that! Six months is a considerable length of time to be unceremoniously dumped in a one paragraph email. You deserved much better than that...it's low class women like that who give us decent ones a bad rap.

I agree that you deserved more of a face to face explanation. I was in a similar situation, but the roles were reversed. I was dating a gentleman for nine months, and for personal reasons within the relationship I decided to end it. It was extremely painful for me as I loved this person very much. My point being, when I ended it, I sat him down face to face and as gently as I could, explained my position and why I was calling it quits. He was saddened greatly but understood where I was coming from. To this day we are friends and still talk with one another. After nine months of exclusive dating, I knew that he deserved FAR more than a cheesey email...or worse...the evil text message.

Hold your head up Mister C....you seem like a nice person and I'm sure there will be someone else out there for you who will treat with you the respect you deserve.

Blessings!
AJ
 Aries Jade
Joined: 1/22/2009
Msg: 10
How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 3:23:51 PM

To AJ,

That is the way it should be done for a person that has any values or compassion.


Thank you Namcazam!

AJ
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 11
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How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 4:06:11 PM

Women (and men) usually don't turn loose of the vine they're swinging from until they have another firmly in hand.
"Usually" ??? Perhaps "sometimes" would be a better word. I myself have NEVER done this.. and I never will. Whether I've been the one to end it.. or he has been the one to end it, I need time to reflect and process and "cleanse" one completly from my heart and head before starting a new relationship.

If what you say is correct and the vine theory is USUALLY what occurs, then that would explain completely why most online relationship never last longer than the honeymoon period.. No one really gives themselves time to reflect and learn what their last relationship has taught them and they continue to make the same mistakes. *IMO of course.
 Walygatr
Joined: 8/25/2009
Msg: 12
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How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 4:16:45 PM
Parting gifts are the best way to go "Rice-a-Roni the San Francisco treat!"
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 13
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How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 4:43:23 PM
I always do my best to look for the bright side in things. In this case it would be finding out, before you'd invested much more time and energy on her, what type of person she really is by the way she handled things when it came time to part ways. After 6 months you undoubtedly deserved more than a lame ass email. Just bear in mind that around 6 months is when some of that "honeymoon" phase of a relationship ends, and maybe that was what happened with her and she wasn't feeling it anymore. Regardless of her reasons, she showed her true colors, and that should be all the closure you need to put her in the rear view mirror. Be thankful for that much.
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 14
How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 5:52:31 PM
Now that you've found people to agree with you that this woman wronged you and was a coward, do you feel vindicated? Ok, so she didn't break up with you the way you think she should have, at least she didn't slink away without a word leaving to wonder. That kind of behavior is low class.
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 15
How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 8:11:12 PM
Criss, no one is saying breaking up doesn't hurt. For most people it hurts like h#ll.

Sure sometimes people break up by email because they are chicken. Sometimes it's because the other person wouldn't listen to what they were being told and reject the writer's feelings. Some people break up by phone. Some just disappear. At least a text, a letter or an email is some kind of goodbye. It's a whole lot better than the disappearing act. However, even with the disappearing act the fact remains - that person is gone.
 duffy_ty
Joined: 5/12/2008
Msg: 16
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How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 8:58:45 PM
I can fully relate to your story.

In May 1976, I was invited over to a friend's house. She was setting me up on a blind date. I met the guy and deep down, I said to myself, "He's not for you Darlene". He walked me home, I said good night. When he got home he called me right away. We talked for a bit on the phone. He was a nice, so easy to talk.

The next day he's at my door early in the morning. What the heck!!! He borrowed his friend's car and drove me to work. Wow!! I didn't have to take the bus. That afternnon, he shows up at my work with his friend's car and dries me home. Ok I'm impressed this guy is easy to talk to and nice. Hmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!

This goes for over a week. One day right after lunch a large bouquet of flowers comes into my office. The driver says, Is there a Darlene D****r in this office. WHAT!! flowers for me. Nobody has ever sent me flowers.

Well this went on for several months and yes even though I did not want to have anything to do with this guy I fell head over heels in love with him. Three months after we met, he moved in, 3 months later he proposed to me. Wow!! I'm getting married. We have 3 wonderful children. It seems every year our love for each other grows stronger and stronger. We had a lot of ups and downs. But I loved him unconditionally. There was nothing he could do wrong. He loved me, he cared for me, I was a lucky woman. This went on for 30 years. The love was just as strong as in the beginning and sometimes even stronger. That man spoiled me and gave the world, not in materialistic stuff, but in his heart.

One day on June 28, 2007, I come home from work, and my daughter is there waiting for me. What the heck is she doing there. I walk into the family room and the furniture is gone. I run upstairs, and all his belongings are gone. I run into the office and his computer and desk are gone. I see a note on my keyboard. It was letter ending our marriage. I fall to the floor, screaming, no,no, no. I cried all night, and yes I'm still crying.

That was the most devestating day in my life. It was like a cop had come to the house and said, "your husband got killed in car crash". I don't get it, the night before we were holding hands watching "The Waltons" . Of all shows, THE WALTONS!!!! A show full of compassion and love for each other. After the show we went to bed together, in the morning he woke up, showered and drressed for work like he always did, and gave me his goodbye kiss, I'll see you tonight dear!!! Have a good day. I Love you!! And then I come home from work and he's gone.

I had panic attacks, anxiety attacks, I read all the self help books to try and figure what I did wrong, how I could have been a better person. I prayed for God to bring him back. I lost 20 lbs in a month. Didn't eat or sleep for 3 months. I was like a different person. Even a single man I barely know came up to me in August 07 and said, It's not worth it. I looked at him and said "You don't what happened so how can you say that.

Yes I'm finally getting over what he did to me. I'm not there yet but doing much better.

You're not angry yet but you will be. It's part of the LOVESHOCK one goes through when they loose someone they truly love that abandons them. The longer the relationship the longer it will take you to travel through your loveshock. Don't rush because you'll just get hurt again.

I feel your pain, mine MAY have been worse because of the years we were involved, the fact that we had kids together, BUT none the less it's very painful loosing someone you love.

I don't wish this upon anyone. Is love worth this.

D
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 17
How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/25/2009 12:20:18 AM

According to him, what I SHOULD have done, is go out for dinner with him one last time, and do it after we'd finished eating. And here I thought I was sparing him by not doing it in a public place.


^^^^^I read that post totally wrong.^^^^^^^


I'm sorry to hear all of the posts of breakups however they were delivered.

OP: In most cases, in person would be the most respectful way to deliver the bad news. I can think of situations where it might not be, such as a person who might be violent, vindictive or not take no for an answer. In these cases their own previous actions could have caused the impersonal message.

I had a girlfriend once that decided to break up with me to be with my best friend. The Best friend and girlfriend both gave me the news simultaneously in person. It was awkward. I would have rather got the news by email.
 Aries Jade
Joined: 1/22/2009
Msg: 18
How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/25/2009 5:28:45 AM

And kudos to Aries Jade. Msg 35. Thats how you do it.


Thank you ~kyn~!


I never could understand how people can treat others so callously...especially those with whom an intimate relationship had been formed.

AJ
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 19
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How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/25/2009 9:46:57 AM
What difference does it make how she ended it? The fact is she did.. and she just didn't slink off without saying a word to you. Would you feel completely healed from the demise of the relationship if she sat you down face to face? Likely, no you wouldn't. You'd still feel the pain. I'd suggest you work on coming to terms with the fact it has ended, rather than worrying about HOW she ended it and, be grateful that she gave you a form of closure.

If you're looking for possible reasons why she ended it by email then the possibilities are practically endless however; without knowing you perhaps she feared how you would react and thought it would be easier on both of you to do it that way. Maybe she's weak of character and it was easier for her to do something she knew would hurt you and didn't have the strength to do it face-to-face and have to witness your pain. Doesn't matter Op.. concentrate on getting through the dissapointment the ending has caused you ~ forget about how she ended it, it really doesn't matter.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 20
How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/25/2009 1:43:33 PM
I can tell what's NOT a positive thing.
Harping and dwelling on something that you can't change.
He got dumped.
It wasn't pleasant.
He can't change it.
Move on for pete's sake.
Why give someone else control over your emotions or reactions?
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 21
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How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/26/2009 10:06:56 PM
^^ an obvious Tom Leykis fan. ..

 moab576
Joined: 8/16/2009
Msg: 22
How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/27/2009 12:01:10 AM
Better that she leaves NOW.

NOW vs. when you're married (maybe w/ kids) and then............

She suddenly moves her stuff out, w/o discuession. She claims that she is gonna start school in another city (more than a 100 miles away) cause, she wants a "better job."

She continues to say, "I love you." All the while the phone calls get less frequent. Then........maybe, she'll come home for the weekend. But she'll disappear w/ "friends." Or, she'll come home for the weekend and it turns out to be only a few hours. Because, there are important things coming up (back in the other city or at school).

All the while she wants more money. Because, she is/was running short (rent, elec. bill, water bill, food, furnishing the apt., etc....). Maybe, you'll end up exhausting the "Family Savings Account." Afterall, she's your wife and she's going to school to get a better job for the family's sake.

BUT THEN............

You findout (after the $ is all gone)...........that, she actually took an apartment with another man, months earlier.

Oh well.

Aloha, Mark
 GuyN3xtDoor
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 23
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How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/27/2009 5:45:22 AM
Hi,

Sorry to hear things ended that way. It doesn't sound like she has given you an opportunity for adequate closure. I went through something similar a few years back and yes even a 6 month relationship can bring you to your knees emotionally, if one begins to have visions of the future with that person.

I'm not a therapist, however assuming all is as you explained it, it sounds like she was really into the relationship and kind of turned on a dime, if you will. You know her best, so if you suspect that she may have had some emotional intimacy issues, I might recommend a book that is excellent on the issue. By the way, emotional intimacy issues are pretty common. The book is called The Dance of Intimacy and I do not know the author, but it has tribal people dancing on the cover. It is about how people run from relationships because the intimacy is just too much or scary to handle.

If you don't suspect this is the problem, then please disregard this recommendation. However, I'm sure it will help someone out there.

Regardless, I feel you pain and the most important thing that will be of help is to know that you are not alone as most if not all of us have been through the pain of a rough break up. For me going to the gym for cardiovascular exercise every night was very helpful in handling the negative feelings.

Best wishes
 serenity0202
Joined: 9/11/2009
Msg: 24
How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/27/2009 8:13:32 AM
Assuming that the relationship really was as great as you say, for that period of time... She was wrong! A coward! Do your best to get over her and move on. Best of luck!
 GWSmith
Joined: 12/18/2008
Msg: 25
How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/27/2009 8:19:14 AM
After 6 months? By E-Mail or text message is real bad after 6 months. I can imagine worse though, what if she chartered a plain to skywrite: WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE or something?
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 26
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How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/27/2009 10:49:21 AM

Her getting "angry" is merely her efforts to paint herself as the victim in what she did to you
How can you be so sure? You were'nt there and we're only hearing one side of the story.. Perhaps her getting angry was in response to Op's reaction and it was neccessary for her to get angry so that he would accept her decision.. There's always two sides.. or three. His, hers, the actual truth.
 smithwhitehawk1
Joined: 5/26/2007
Msg: 27
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How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/27/2009 12:48:27 PM
OP
I suggest that you embrace that inner jerk that lies deep inside all of us ,and go fvck
as many of her girlfriends as you possibly can. Just think of it as therapy.Nothing says
I've moved on and you will rember me like screwing her girlfriends.Oh, and if you let it
slip that she gave you crabbs and that you may not have got tham all should really
stir up her litterbox.
Heal yourself and go find a better one.
Hawk
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