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 Closer2U
Joined: 2/19/2009
Msg: 55
How do I get (politely) out of a threesomePage 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I think based on what you already told him you DID already find a way to politely get out of a threesome.If he won't listen to you...it's time to get as RUDE as he is being.
If he can't respect your boundaries,you might want to take heed in the warning your friend gave you about him.If he can't respect YOU and your feelings....why would you feel the need to care about his feelings?

That is the real issues here.Don't place him on a pedastal above you...he's just a man.

There are plenty of men who won't expect you to do something against your wishes or desires.Men without selfish agenda's that is.
 tennisman2388
Joined: 3/26/2009
Msg: 56
How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/28/2009 8:24:13 AM
If you had previously expressed interest that would be different.

He is toying with you. Hope you know that.
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 57
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How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/28/2009 9:47:45 AM

Since I admire and respect him for the person he is and the way he works, and he has stated (even in front of others) how he likes my principles, intelligence and personality,


Sure he likes them right up till the point where you wont have a lesbian encounter with another woman....Did you even read what you wrote? You have already told him you werent interested, yet he brought it up again. Exactly what part of liking your principles is he respecting at that point?


In any case, right now I'm putting some distance. Whilst I'm not going to throw at him some sermon over dignity and respect for my heart, I think it's time to stop being there at his convenience, and let him do some work if he really wants to continue having something beyond friendship with me.

Seems that some men need to be pushed to think and reconsider, so they can value properly what they've got.


I dont think you are going to do that, every part of your posts screams needy. The fact that you have "allowed" this man to talk you into other sexual acts that you didnt want to do says a lot about you.

Exactly why are you unwilling to have a conversation about respecting your heart?
 867love
Joined: 3/16/2006
Msg: 59
How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/28/2009 2:42:33 PM
Sounds like he's looking for an excuse to screw another chick -and do it with your approval...
If you decide to go through with something you disapprove of this time, well? whats he going to want you to do next time? film you with a donkey? sheep, -invite your mom over for a little naughty time with the two of you?

Don't be such a doormat, if you don't like whats going on, draw the line or get out!
 smile9999
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 60
How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/28/2009 2:54:06 PM
there's nothing wrong with what the guy wants, if you don't want to do it, just move on. just don't whine about it
 susanwp
Joined: 1/5/2010
Msg: 61
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How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/21/2010 1:43:00 PM
If this guy was in tune with you and your feelings and he cared, he would sense this isn't for you and drop it. If you were willing great but since you aren't, he should drop it and if he doesn't drop him. He cares more about himself than he does you.
 TiltAGirl
Joined: 9/12/2009
Msg: 62
How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/21/2010 2:47:26 PM

I would be disgusted to have a woman doing lesbic activity on me.
Just because you see a word on Urban Dictionary doesn't make it a real word.

To answer your question, he will probably be disappointed. Get over it. He no doubt will. If it's such a big deal that he'd be willing to break up over it, did you really want to be with him anyhow? It seems odd that you 'allow' him to try anything else - what happens sexually between two consenting adults shouldn't be based on what you're 'allowed' to do; that implies a certain power from one partner over another and that doesn't bode well for a healthy relationship outside the bedroom.
 spicynicegirl
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 63
How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/21/2010 2:55:22 PM
Stick to your guns OP.

If a guy asked me to do something that I wasn't comfortable with I would tell him how I felt and if he kept pushing the issue I would stop talking his calls.

People need to learn to respect each other.
 SassySky
Joined: 9/26/2008
Msg: 64
How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/21/2010 4:03:22 PM

he has stated (even in front of others) how he likes my principles, intelligence and personality,

Great this is your lead in..As we both know that you respect my principles and personality then you will also understand while I can understand and respect where you want to go sexually.. I just don't share period.
Then stick to your guns if he is really into you he will drop it if he won't the cut bait and m ove on...
 kayliecat
Joined: 12/8/2007
Msg: 65
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How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/21/2010 4:26:45 PM
I think we are assuming that the guy is a real dog and, well, it's a very common fantasy...just because he wants to try it doesn't make him a dog, nor a cheater, nor someone who would leave over it. I have LOTS of fantasies, and might try them out if I have a willing partner. But if I don't, no biggee...they stay in my head. I can't be the only one.

OPie...I want to comment on how you are now tryiing to dump him b/c a friend said he broke a friend's heart. First of all, i fyou are serious about it, give him a chance to explain his side. Second of all, hearts get broken all the time when there's a break up. It doesn't make him a dog. It doesn't mean he committed a crime. Enjoy your relationship with him and don't judge him on somehthing someone heard from someone else...or if you must, give him a chance to share his side.

And re: the 3some, I think you got good advice re: firmly state this is a line you will never cross and never enjoy. It is highly unlikely you'll be together for the rest of your lives, so figure he can enjoy that one some day down the line. And, in fact, tell him that. Tell him he can enjoy that one w/his next fwb, bu tnot you, then laugh.

I suggest this b/c I have been in that position. I was with a guy for 5 months who had this as a fantasy. He came close to talking me into it, but it was w/the provision that there was no girl-girl sexual contact and I could pick the person (aka a trusted friend). I'm glad I didn't do it. I should have cut him off more firmly as in "dont ask again or you'll have to endure the my wrath" (haha). It's funny tho we have stayed email/IM friends and he'll tell me sometimes that he still wants to do it...and it's been about a year and half since we broke up. nope, he still hasn't found someone willing. haha.

Also I want to address your feeling like he's already pushed you to do things you don't want to to (like anal). Sex shouldn't be about giving in. It's fine for you to try new things if you are ok with it. But remember he is there for your pleasure too. So you have a new adventurous partner....ask him to do stuff to you that YOU have fantasized about.

I am not into "tit for tat" but in this case, I do think you need to feel some sense of equality. that he is giving you as much pleasure as you are giving him. And if he isn't even when you ask...then you need to get rid of a selfish partner. but if you aren't asking, well, then it's time.

Sex should be empowering. It should make you feel like more of a woman, not less of a woman like a toy. Adventurous partners can be a lot of fun when both of you feel complete freedom in sharing your fantasies and discussing trying them (or not). No judging for asking. Ok for him to ask, not ok for him to pressure. And ok for you to ask, but not to pressure.

This feeling of empowerment comes from inside ofyou. It comes from getting to know yourself and realizing your sexual power. And I think most men appreciate a woman who can express her needs - and who allows her partner to express his without judgment but who also knwos how to say NO.

Think about it...if you are afraid to say NO, then how will he know what things you are really excited about and what things you are going to resent (or have issues over later). You should have boundaries, but also be open. And you MUST express your needs as well.

He doesn't want a passive chick who just sits back adn waits for you to do his bidding...what fun is that? He wants someone who is just as excited to enjoy sex and her sexuality...who wants to play and experience and let loose. But you've got to be vocal about your needs and about yoru limits for that to happen. (Of course I"m guessing on what he wants)

And on the chick whose heart he broke? give him a chance to explain before just dumping him... Or do you really distrust him that much? If so, why are you there in the first place? Trust your judgment!
 FULLFIGMAAM
Joined: 8/14/2009
Msg: 66
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How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/21/2010 4:38:44 PM

My question is: how can I tell him, so he isn't disappointed, and he doesn't think that maybe I'm not as doting as he thought? I have to say that, as for the rest, he is "allowed" to do/try almost anything else he fancies... Could this become a problem?
You've already told him nicely, and he doesn't want to hear it. My guess, from your trying so very hard, is that you will eventually give in to his persistence.
I'm sorry to say, that I believe, you two will eventually break up because of incompatible desires, and not sufficient respect on his part, of your boundaries. M
 Blk_Archangel7
Joined: 12/21/2007
Msg: 67
How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/21/2010 4:45:40 PM
you always have a choice in the matter, walk away
 JohnMac444
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 68
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How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/21/2010 5:04:55 PM
First, gently remove whatever it is that you find in your mouth

Next, try to find your clothes and your car keys...
 ManicMelanie
Joined: 7/10/2009
Msg: 69
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How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/21/2010 5:11:26 PM

Look at it this way.

The QUICKEST, BEST, EASIEST way to destroy a serious relationship is to allow another person in the mix.

Do your research, you'll see that it's true.

Keep telling him no because you don't want to. Be self-respecting. IF this is a deal breaker for him as well, then you go you're separate ways. At least your dignity is intact, you held firm to your beliefs and stayed within your comfort zone.



 sanddallor
Joined: 8/30/2008
Msg: 70
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How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/21/2010 10:06:58 PM
From what I've read, some form sexual incompatabilty is the most common reason for divorce.

By all means yes, this could become a "major" problem, especially seeing that you've already made it clear that it's not an option and he's still persisting.

Rather you're tactful or blunt, you need to impress upon this man that if he can't respect your interests, he's going to be free to have all the women he wants and you won't be one of them!
 Elgalawaat
Joined: 11/24/2008
Msg: 71
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How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/21/2010 10:47:14 PM
Why are you worrying that much for some one like that gets disappointed. If both of you are in love and he wants to bring another woman in he is not stable in his thinking. Also it is not that easy to find a woman to be the third person. Women usually want to call the shots in the bed room even they appear like submissive. Once a girlfriend of mine wanted another woman to join us I said what the heck and agreed. She could not find a girl willing to do it.
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 72
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How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/22/2010 5:17:57 AM
op

wow you sound like a great lover


first step to being a great lover, is to be willing to do anything to please your partner sexually, that also meen trying new things, being passionate about pleasing your SO
second step is to really know your partner, care and respect that person, trust, so that you can be totally , to be open and honest is a lot of fun
lastly going back to respect, never ask your partner to do something she is not interested in
the problem is with him, if you are open and honest with him, he should take you as you are, reading your post is refreshing, so many women are not interested in being creative lovers,and going the extra mile to make the man happy, then they wonder why guys loose interest, and do the same thing in reverse
 fta_1999
Joined: 8/18/2009
Msg: 73
How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/22/2010 6:11:33 AM
To all the women out there who have dealt with this fantasy... Whether their's or their partner's... My recommendation is not to do it. If someone really wants to try that fantasy out, do it with people you aren't seriously involved with. I say this because, it is the quickest way to ruin a relationship. I've seen it and I've experienced it. If your relationship is so perfect that it could not only survive the repercusions, but thrive on it, then more power to you. But, that is a very very rare relationship, and I would never want to risk real love over a fantasy.
 This Good Guy
Joined: 2/7/2010
Msg: 74
How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/22/2010 7:45:42 AM
OP, I wish you luck with your relationship.

As you see, there are many opinions floating around as to what YOU should do with YOUR life. I would say, simply know yourself and act on that knowledge. It's all any of us do. Some are more apt to experiment wildly while others are more comfortable with the bland known, and all points in between. There shouldn't be any judgment of you, acting on your knowledge of yourself. It's you and about you - F everyone else.

Peace
 widowsdesire
Joined: 4/7/2009
Msg: 75
How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/22/2010 8:47:41 AM
My relationship is not a FWB thing, as you expressed, its the beginning of what I hope goes on to be a long term relationship. I am in love with my man. I have told him that in our relationship I can forgive just about anything with the exception of infidelity.

While I am open to experimenting with him, I would never consider bringing a third party into the mix, male or female. I have no desire to have another person pleasure me, and it would erode every bit of trust I have in him if I witnessed him pleasuring another woman, even if it just involved touch or kissing.

Feeling this way does not make me jealous, it makes me have boundaries. I gave up engaging in causal sex over twenty years ago, and am not going to dable in it now. If I ever wanted to play around with an idea like this I should have done it when I had meaningless sex, just because it felt good. Now that I am at a point that emotion is strongly tied to sexual expression this would be devastating to me.

If your relationship is truly a friends with benefits relationship, then sex with others is acceptable. I would give him permission to act on this fantasy with someone else, just leave you out of it. If it would be upsetting to you to know he did this, tell him to keep the details to himself. If you can't release him to act on his fantasy elsewhere, then I would re-examine what you are really looking for from this man. Perhaps your feelings are stronger than you want to admit. That in itself can be dangerous. I do wish you well.
 Ill_Make_You_Smile
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 76
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How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/22/2010 8:50:59 AM
If he loves you, then it won't matter. Trust me men have more than one fantasy they want to live out. Just ask him what else he wants to do, and see how that works for you both; I'm pretty sure you both won't be disappointed.
 LG2727
Joined: 1/20/2010
Msg: 77
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How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/22/2010 12:09:59 PM
My ex hinted about that when we were dating. I got tired of this nonsense and told him, ok, but first I get to have 2 men and you cant be one of them( I wasnt serious, but he didnt know that). Needless to say, he didnt like my little fantasy and he never asked me again. Besides, I told him that he could barely satisfy me, so now hes going to disappoint 2 women?
 jemru
Joined: 5/17/2008
Msg: 78
How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/22/2010 3:34:02 PM
Just tell him plain and simple. No.

He's a man, not a child, no need to sugar coat it. He might leave you because you say no, but hey, thats life.
 btj_rv
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 79
How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/22/2010 4:00:19 PM
OP tell him only if you could have him and another guy threesome. I really think couples that do this are open and have to really be friends moreso than in an exclusive relationship. I wouldn't want the issues that go with it. Soon that friend that was just someone to make things interesting is now the person that broke up the relationship.
 deerdog1
Joined: 12/29/2006
Msg: 80
How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/22/2010 4:24:46 PM
The QUICKEST, BEST, EASIEST way to destroy a serious relationship is to allow another person in the mix.

Do your research, you'll see that it's true.


I was agreeing with most of the posts on here ..and then as usual someone says something really dumb and condemning.....
many people have threesomes and it does not end their relationship ...some do it only once ..others really like it and do it more often
I agree that no one should cross their hard limits for the sake of satisfying their partners fantasy... but the quickest, easiest, and fastest way to destroy a serious relationship is to not talk about his and your fantasies and his and your limits ...both partners agreeing to allow another person in the mix is not near as detrimental as one partner sneaking another person in the mix ...IE cheating

and there is no way one can research these things ...as most people who do these things and stay together don't ... advertise that they have done it ...so any research you could do would be one sided ..by only being able to confirm the ones who said they did it and it destroyed their relationship ... its like swinging most people know lots of people that have tried or that are involved in swinging ... they just don't know they know them ... swinging is just not something people who have tried it discuss with their judgmental non swinging friends

every one who is judgmental about threesomes and swinging ... knows someone who has done it and broke up because of it ...or so they say ... but the same person may know lots of couples who have either tried it or are fully involved in it ...yet unless it leads to their breakup ..they never know what their friends are up to

I know when I began working in a swinger club .. and it became common knowledge that I was non judgmental and did not tell what I know about other peoples personal life .. then the swingers came out of the wood work ...so to speak and to my surprise many of my previous friends and acquaintances were among them ..people whom I had no idea ..and Im sure their other friends and family have no idea either ..at least their vanilla friends

so if you know one couple that break up and site these things as the reason ..you probably know many others who have done it yet are still together .. you probably even know some who are full out swingers and loving every minute of it ... but as long as you are showing yourself as being judgmental or gossipy ..you will never know about their less than vanilla lifestyle... people are very protective of the knowledge of their kink

Sure every one on POF that admits to having a threesome ...did it with an ex ..why? because almost everyone on here is broke up and has at least one EX ...duh ..that's why most of them are here.. or why they came to POF

and Op him bringing it up two times is no reason to dump him ... he is probably just testing the waters ...one would be surprised at how many women who are open to this say no the first time it is brought up just out of embarassment
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