Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  >      Home login  
Joined: 2/6/2005
Msg: 36
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

I have told men that I have had bad experiences when they get too handsy and I want them to think that I might not just be a prude but uncomfortable.

Oh... well thats far differant than out and saying the details. I think that if you told me you had a bad experiance, rather than explaining it in detail, I would not only back off, but I would understand.

The obsessive masterbator was just an example of something personal. I'm aware that it doesn't compair in magnitude. It is however, something you don't normally tell someone you've only just met.

I can agree with you, and I see what you're saying. Perhaps it would be in HOW it was presented to me, as to how I would take it.

To me, if I've only just met you, the LAST thing I want to hear about is details about your bad experiances. It's just a comfort level thing, and I would respect her comfort level, just as I would hope she would respect mine. It's like a wall, I'd much rather see breached together.

I'm not trying to sound like an ***hole, more over just someone who would rather not dwell on the past or even hear about it right away. I'm more concerned about the future anyway.
Joined: 9/29/2003
Msg: 37
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/11/2005 8:01:20 AM
I am glad you posted this. I think we were both misunderstanding eachother. Yes, too many details can make the other person uncomfortable. I have never told anyone (ANYONE) all the details of my experience... its just too difficult for me.

I would also hope that someone who was a survivor would understand that details can make a new person in their life uneasy because how are they supposed to respond?

It sucks that things like this have to happen and it would be such a better world if it didn't... but it does and its hard to know who to talk with about it and what to say. :(
Joined: 2/6/2005
Msg: 38
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/11/2005 8:15:02 AM
Well, when starting something 'new' with someone, you don't wanna worry or even think of the past right away. Thats for later discussion, once you've gotten to know eachother, right?

Thats like handing someone your 'baggage' at the door (pun intended). I wanna know YOU first, then learn where you came from. Order of operation perhaps. heh.
Joined: 3/2/2005
Msg: 41
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/11/2005 11:36:08 AM
victornorth Hugs to you, you're the first male that I know of. Thanks for having the courage to speak out, it makes us all stronger!!
I found it mind boggling, like you did, that someone would lie about being abused when they WEREN'T!!! That's like lying and saying I'm on psychiatric drugs and seeing a therapist if you're not!! Kinda backwards to me....
Joined: 2/6/2005
Msg: 46
view profile
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/11/2005 6:33:48 PM
I am a rape survivor counselor, and from what I understand it is very ackward for the men, even if they don't admit it to the girl. They tend to feel sorry, and as if the woman will never trust them because of their situation. It takes a little comforting and assurance to help ease this anxiety.
Joined: 3/2/2005
Msg: 47
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/11/2005 6:36:37 PM
r1terrell23 Then, I'm curious, what is it that you recommend? WHen should someome tell a person they're dating, early on or wait awhle?
Joined: 2/6/2005
Msg: 48
view profile
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/11/2005 6:46:56 PM
Being a survivor is very tough to cope with and talk openly about. That's why it is always recommended to tell your Sig-other when you feel you are ready to let it be known. This way, it won't hurt you as much to talk, and you'd be better suited to assure him you're okay and that he is special to you. If you think you're ready to talk to him early on, do so, if later, that's fine to.
Joined: 3/2/2005
Msg: 49
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/11/2005 7:14:18 PM
r1terrell23 I remember some of your posts before and you're always respectful, a real gentleman. Thanks for your answer.
Joined: 6/28/2005
Msg: 54
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/25/2005 1:14:15 AM
i just want to say my current bf gave me the best response when i told him. he started to ask questions. like he wanted to know if he there is anything that bothers me, what i can tell him to hlep him be more involved in the process of healing, and do i ever see this guy. he didnt give me the typical "if i ever see that dude i swear i will kill him" even though at the time it makes you feel good that they want to protect you someone asking questions just makes you feel so loved and cared about!!!!!
 *~Miss Crystal~*
Joined: 7/19/2006
Msg: 55
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 12/5/2006 5:08:02 PM

I would take sensuality very slowly with them...really get them to feel my true affection, and develop a mutal and deep trust...and explore sexuality at whatever pace they were comfortable with...but above all...not rush anything, and let them want to get closer...not try to pull them closer. The issues involved are not easy to forget for understanding, patience, trust and affection would be my way. Maybe I'm wrong...but it's what I would probably do

wish more men could understand this..
Joined: 6/27/2006
Msg: 56
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 12/5/2006 10:01:37 PM
my first time encountering a female survivor I took pity
my second time I will not


it all depends on her attitude about it. people get bad things that happen to them all the time. if it was a chip on her shoulder, then yes she would be less dateable.
Joined: 5/6/2006
Msg: 57
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 12/5/2006 11:08:27 PM
wow that is a big one..but it is also very in three women in some studies of college women..there is actually a lot of literature out there that is looking in to this issue..people seem to find there way thru up on the definitionof sexual abuse is so are the effects on victims I think...
Joined: 11/15/2006
Msg: 58
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 12/5/2006 11:42:14 PM
no woman who was abused at any age..wether a child or an adult is undateable!!

it all depends on the woman and how she dealt with it and went on to get past it. unfortunatley..some handle it better than others and in their own ways. wether its self healing and moving on or letting it destroy her to where she is self destructive.

there are many kinds of stories how women dealt with thier abuse..some good..some bad..some totally unbelievable!!

i was raised around abused women growing my parents dealt with them as friends. some of these women amazed me on thier own personal inner stength..yet others totally destroyed their own self worth and couldnt handle it. some bettered thier life..some went to drugs..some into prositution.

yes i am a child abuse surviror myself....and i survived over women i grew up with the knowledge they provided me and the strength they taught me. no one knew of my i never told anyone for many many years. i dealt with it on my own growing up. am i undateable..hell no!!

i had different relationships with b/f's growing up,..and they never were told...i had a very long term marriage and he didnt know for many years of it. since my divorce..dated some guys and only a couple were ever told of it. they would never have known differently!!

as i put it in the past..and wont let it destroy my future. each experience is different and each woman has a different level of strength to handle it.
Joined: 10/27/2006
Msg: 60
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 12/6/2006 7:21:54 AM
Yes, survivors are dateable. However, its a matter of how far along they are in their recovery. Being in a relationship with a survivor is harder, but can be equaly if not more fulfilling when progress and deeper intimacy is reached together.

When should you tell about sexual abuse or other mental issues ... that's a personal choice
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 62
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 12/18/2006 3:34:12 AM
It does seem a large percentage of women have this issue. The only concern that arises for me is any trigger type actions to avoid. As long as they are open about their concerns or fears they are no different than dating any other woman. Less dateable not in the least, just need to give a little more thought to your actions.
Joined: 4/11/2005
Msg: 63
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 2/8/2007 5:08:14 AM
I know this is an old thread, but I didn't want to start a new one, since the moderator would just delete it, anyway. I was sexually molsted for almost six years as a child and never could bring myself to tell my husband. Consequently, our sex-life suffered. He got mad at me for not responding to certain things the way I 'should' have and eventually our sex-life just went to he!!. Now, whenever I meet someone new, I do tell him, but usually they tend to make light of it. Yes, they say 'how awful this happened to you', but then don't do anything different from what they'd do anyway. I tell guys now that I have an aversion to certain things, even after all these years, and they may say they're okay about it, but are they really?

Joined: 1/7/2007
Msg: 64
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 2/8/2007 5:28:44 AM
Rape or abuse is a horrible thing. It happens to a lot of women. (and some men) Yes, it's happened to me, but I refuse to be a victim. I'm continuing with my life and I don't let the past interfere. If you allow your rapist, abuser, molester, etc, ruin the rest of your life, and keep you from being happy, then you are allowing yourself to remain their victim forever.
Joined: 4/11/2005
Msg: 65
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 2/8/2007 5:36:50 AM
"...becasue when i did tell one men he lloked at me and said o well if i knew that i would of never got with u .."

lil sweat heart, yes, some men tend to see us as damaged goods. That's why I never told my husband. I got married at 18 and desperately just wanted to be 'normal', not an abuse victim. I'd definitely reveal it now, if only to see what his reaction is. If it's negative, then there's no future for any type of relationship.

Joined: 1/23/2006
Msg: 66
view profile
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 3/7/2007 7:56:46 PM
I think most of us ARE damaged in one way or another. It doesn't have to rule the rest of your life if you face your experiences and feelings and deal with them. It will if you don't. I'm seeing a lot of different experiences represented here and there's going to be a wide spectrum of how it can affect a person.
I grew up in Appalachia. In certain social groups, men threatening to emasculate little boys is considered an amusing way to "keep him in line", whether the child is doing anything wrong or not. I never found it amusing as a child or as an adult. I had nightmares for years. And yes, it did and probably still does affect me. I can handle almost any kind of intimacy IF we understand what's going to happen and she can respect boundaries. I'm guessing this is similar to the needs of others.
I met and married way too quickly - 3 months. From what I've read and heard from those wiser than me, a year is about what it takes to get to know someone well enough to make that commitment.
She had been emotionally abused by her sarcastic and crude father growing up. Her first husband was a lying gambling addict. Gradually it came out that she had been a rape victim, twice (that I was told). Last time was a boyfriend (?) taking her against her will where she wasn't comfortable doing it. The first, in her early teens, was more brutal - a gang rape by an older boy she thought was a friend and his buddies. She was afraid to tell her mother for fear she would be blamed and disbelieved and grounded forever. The point of telling you this is that she was hurt deeply inside and out, by guys she had trusted and had even had romantic feelings for. Betrayed to the max.
In the beginning, she was a very physical person, more likely to want to wrestle and be taken that way than I was to know how to go about it. But within the first three months, as she began to learn that I wasn't the perfect man she had in her head that always did everything exactly as she had in mind, she began to find all kinds of reasons to pick fights and stay angry at me - all the time. Nothing I did or said was good enough in her eyes. She would go into raging fits, cussing me out for every real or imagined fault or slight for hours at a time every few days, with nearly constant berating, cutting, sarcastic comments in between. Every difference of opinion was described as some kind of betrayal of her by me. Did I have a cookie at lunch? Get into the shower alone at the "wrong" end of the tub? Betrayal. Physical intimacy became rare and stayed that way. This went on for years. She did to me emotionally with her words, what had long ago been threatened with knives.
Our kids (we actually did a few times!) are of age and right now they're living with me. I stayed with her as long as I did so they would know there was a different way for a parent to act. Now I hope to find a better future than the past. Would I be concerned about getting involved with another rape survivor? Look at the last two paragraphs - of course I would. Would it be a roadblock to an otherwise encouraging relationship? No. Not if she's dealing with it and admits the possibility that the past COULD affect her reactions to me. My wife never did; she told me that was all in the past and over. But her behavior told me otherwise.
Everyone's different, but if I were dating an abuse survivor I'd want to know as soon as she could handle telling me. It would help me understand what she's comfortable with and what she isn't and why, and how I can help her grow beyond the pain and fear that's often there. With specifics! As the ladies often tell us guys, open communication helps. Then we'd get to know each other very well before making a commitment. That just makes sense with anybody.
Sorry this is so long - it seemed necessary to explain what I'm trying to get across, instead of giving a "sound bite" and not scratching the surface. Good on ya!
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 67
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 3/7/2007 8:11:13 PM
Actually it turns me on because I know she's a freak. For some reason, sexual abuse survivors are all about gettin it on!
Joined: 2/9/2007
Msg: 68
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 3/7/2007 9:02:10 PM
I was abused. Yes it was awful but I've since done my healing and my functionality is that of a normal woman.

I think if it hadn't been for my abuse, I wouldn't know what I do today. The words "sexual abuse" conjur up all kinds of crazy images in people's minds. This, I think , is interesting. They imagine some violent offender coming at you or raping you.

Truth is , I was abused by those I was closest to, and it was so manipulative, there was no animosity or violence involved except for one time, and I was in a relationship with him. I think there are different effects for different types of abuse. My abuse as a child was mostly about them getting me to please them in different ways. I wasn't penetrated or anything like that...just fondling. Not that it's any better but it doesn't affect you as badly as more severe forms of abuse do.

I don't want a guy to feel sorry for me. I got over use drudging up the pain of that. I've already had it...and moving on with my life.

I won't get abused again. It made me smart.
Joined: 10/5/2009
Msg: 69
view profile
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 3/17/2012 12:50:49 AM
I suppose at this point this is an antique tread in computer life. I have always wondered why the enourmous disbelief when people hear about abuse. Do you really think people are looking for sympathy? ie the sympathy card one poster mentioned.
I was sexually abused when I was four, trust me it wasn't sex. I tell people early because some people can't deal with the issue, some don't want to. There are still things that can cause issues for me. Interestingly enough women seem to have a harder time believing then men. The reading I have done say this is because they can't picture a woman, a nurturer doing such a thing becuase they wouldn't. I can't tell you how many times I have been told that I was luing about it.
Joined: 4/25/2006
Msg: 70
view profile
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 3/17/2012 10:32:06 PM
It seems every girl I've ever dated was a victim of sexual abuse, at some point in her life. Usually as a child. It makes me sick that it happens so much. I don't know what's wrong with the world sometimes.
I've always been caring and suportive towards someone who opens up to me about that sort of thing. It's not an easy thing to talk about and many woman are affraid and carry the pain decades. Abuse is abuse, sexual or otherwise and when someone is in pain, I only feel the need to care for them more. There are plenty of men who will be understanding and supportive of what you went through. If you communicate your needs clearly, then you will most likely have them met. (Assuming they guys is even a half decent person and not a heartless ***)

Only once has it ever been an issue for me in a relationship. Often, while making love with this person, she would suddenly go still and stare off into space. It was very disturbing and I would sudenly feel very bad.. like i had someone triggered something that brought her pain. It would bring me to tears when it happened beause the last thing i wanted to do was hurt her and bring up some past nightmare. She'd even tell me to just keep going and finish and that it was ok, which just mordified me that she would think I was so heartless to do such a thing. Like I'm going to keep going while she's laying there in pain, looking half dead? That's not what I want. I'd tell her it was ok and that she didn't have to do that for me. I told her it was ok if we just cuddled and what mattered was our relationship and not sex. I couldn't even touch her though because she's start to cry and all I could do was just sit by her side and tell her it was ok.
She would never open up to me about it though. I knew she had been abused, but she refused to talk about it. She refused to share her pain. She kept it all bottled up inside and wouldn't let anyone near. She didn't want to let the pain out and let some of it go. She refused to deal with it. She acted like it wasn't there, which I'm sure she got from her family, who don't talk about problems.
And so as much as I wanted to help her, I couldn't and I didn't know what to do for her. She needed help that was beyond my abilty to give. It was very heart renching.
After I while, I wouldn't bother trying to engage in sexual relations with her because i know it would end well. She started getting jellous and paranoid and would accuse me of cheating on her with someone else. She's cry and ask why i didn't love her and was she not giving me enough sex. It was absolutly abusrd to me. I wasn't some sex-crased, horn-dog kid who needed sex all the time. It was perfecly content with how things were. I'm a grown man and can take care of my own needs, in that regard. I feel absolutly no need to cheat, especialy for such a stupid reason. I have never cheated on anyone! I never have and never will. I take pride in that and consider it a matter of honor. And yet I was constantly accused of cheating, for no reason at all, to the point that it got insulting. He ex had cheated on her often and she would just dump me in the catagory as well. There was no trust at all.
It was a real shame that the issue stood between us. She was letting some past pains ruin her relationship with me... and most likely others, after that. I feel really bad for someone who has gone though such pain like that and is revictimized every time it gets in the way of their relationship with someone else. It's a very sad thing to see.
In the end her issues were too much to bare. She wouldn't trust me, wouldn't let me in. wouldn't let me help her deal with the past. Wouldn't let me support her. It was just going nowhere. I honestly hope that she has found help since then.

Another time. A girl i was with had been molested by her grandfather, who had also molested her mother. I don't think it ever effected our relationship. But it bothered me that her family didn't know about it. I would have to go to chistmas parties with her family and watch her and her mother sit silently in pain as their family would gather around this man and lavish him with attention and gifts and treat him like he's the greates guy in the whole world. It took ever ounce of willpower not to scream out at them that he was a monster and child molseter and they must by crazy! I wanted to scream out, "What's wrong with you all??? Can you not see this is wrong??" But I had to bite my tounge, because I asked to never bring it up. That if i said something her mother would be embaressed and mortified beyond belief. I probably wouldn't even have a ride home, if i spoke out, which sounds insane.
I'm just the type of person who can't sit quietly in a room with someone I know is a horrible person. It was very hard on me. I can't stand to see someone like that get away with what they've done.

With other girls, I've had more success. I was able to help them get though it and let them know they were loved and cared about, no matter what. It was never and issue after that.

I think being a victim of abuse can only interfere with your relationship with someone, if you let it.

If anything, I would think it would be harder for a man, since many woman look down on men who are in pain, due to past abuse. Woman don't respect weak men nore do they find them attractive. Most woman I've ever encountered expect a man to have all his **** together and let nothing phase him. A sad truth.
I deal with metal illness. I have depression and anxity. I have it under control, most of the time. But most women I date seem put off by it. Anytime that i''ve sliped into depression, while in a relationship, I've found myself alone, with little to no support from my partner. Something that just makes the pain worse and often leads to a downward spiral or ruin, untill my life hits rock bottom and everything has fallen appart around me.
I've always been supportive of my partners and cared for them when they needed it most. But I truly feel that I never get this in return. I can't understand why this is.
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 71
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 3/17/2012 11:27:10 PM
I dated one years ago. She understandably hadn't told me about it. She was taking off her jacket and her arms got stuck in it. I tried to help her and she had a panic attack and started saying daddy no, please daddy no. She was so embarrassed by it she couldn't be around me any more. She was the sweetest thing. I couldn't believe anyone could hurt someone like her so badly. I think it's better to know up front, so you can tailor your actions to adjust for it.
Joined: 9/9/2011
Msg: 72
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 3/17/2012 11:47:02 PM
My late teens and 20's it seemed that every other girl I saw was sexually abused. My advice is listen and try to be patient. Be a positive male figure in their life and try to help them heal.

One girl and I lived together for a while. She was 22-23 at the time and had been abused as a child and blocked it. It rarely came up to start, but when I listened and engaged her in the conversation, she brought it up more frequently and remembered more things. I remember after what seemed like a month of the same stories being told, no new memories, I sensed this thought almost like telepathy. I knew I was in danger of making her mad with such a question, as there was nothing hinting to it, but it fell out of my mouth "Was it your dad?" She lost it and cried like I never seen her cry before or since. I don't know if she was in denial, or blocking all those years, but it hit her like a ton of bricks. She seemed to be better after that. I can't say if that was the long term dealing with that issue for her. It certainly brought more of it to light
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  >