Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Lack of Kids      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 mirabelle13
Joined: 9/16/2009
Msg: 26
Lack of KidsPage 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
^^^^
DB, so sorry. I've been in the same position. It's very hurtful to find out that the person you adore is busy trolling for other women on the internet.

As for on topic, there are many reasons that a woman decides not to have a child. Perhaps she was abused/abandoned by her mother and does not wish to revisit this type of horror on her own child.

Before blindly judging a group of people for a past decision, it might be wise to ask about the circumstances.

And truly, are you looking to date a person's past or who the person is now? Of course, the past is an important factor in judging if there are any tendencies which are not suitable for relationship material. However, I would think that it would be more important to ascertain if the person has grown from all their experiences instead of blindly repeating past mistakes.

And I know of plenty of abusive women who vent their rage and emotions on their own children. That is what is really tragic.
 daffie
Joined: 8/1/2007
Msg: 27
Lack of Kids
Posted: 10/6/2009 4:50:08 AM
there are many reasons a woman, of any age, could be childless...

...and sometimes i wish i was one of them...lol
(just kidding my darling boy)

btw...
while we're talking women and no kids...

what about all the 40/50 year old men with dependent toddlers and young children...

young children who are sometimes legacies of failed 2nd and third marriages...

i'll take the childless variety any time...
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 28
view profile
History
Lack of Kids
Posted: 10/6/2009 5:11:55 AM
Far as I can tell, once you have kids, you always have kids, unless some disaster occurs, and generally speaking you would not have it any other way.

Yes, as they get older you may have more personal freedom, but they are still in your life, and if you connect with someone who also has kids, sooner or later their kids become a factor in your life as well.

The only way to avoid kids is to have never had them and to avoid partnes who have had them.
 kari135
Joined: 9/1/2009
Msg: 29
view profile
History
Lack of Kids
Posted: 10/6/2009 8:02:52 AM
""Wow, it's interesting to see all the childless women circle the wagons on this one.""

I agree with them too, and I'm not childless. There are as many reasons for being childless as there are people who choose it, or end up being so through the vagaries of life.

My husband absolutely did not want biological children, but he was great with my kids, protective and proud, and taught my son some things his biological father never thought of. I knew why he didn't want to have children of his own, and for him, it was the right choice.

A man being childless by fate or by choice doesn't raise flags of any kind for me. I know some men who are better fathers to their stepchildren than the biological ones ever dreamed of being.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 30
view profile
History
Lack of Kids
Posted: 10/6/2009 8:59:00 AM
All I can say on this is that 3 of the last 4 wonderful relationships I had were with 40+ women without children. They were absolutely great, but not quite as compatible as the women who turned out to be the true love of my life - and her having children played no part in the choice. All are still friends, too.
 kari135
Joined: 9/1/2009
Msg: 31
view profile
History
Lack of Kids
Posted: 10/7/2009 2:51:36 PM
""I don't think there are that many 40+ men in real life who are able to have kids and don't have any. Sometimes a 40 year old may have a very young child, like a 1 - 5 year old if they had them after 37, but that's still kids at 40.""

It goes both ways. I've come across 3 on other sites, two are men in their mid/late 50s, both nice guys. One is a single parent of a 7 year old daughter and is looking for a woman no older than 50 because he doesn't think it's fair to his daughter to have a stepmother older than that. He says he has 'full custody' so I asume the mother is not fit to care for a young child. The other one has an 8 year old son and is a single parent because his wife died. He says it's impossible to evenget a date, once women find out about his son, they vanish. Both are barely in my age range, but the closer one is the one who wants no one over 50, the other one lives in another state.

What I find really disgusting - and this would apply to both men and women - are the ones who claim to be childless, then let it slip that they do indeed have children. The kids are either adults, or they don't bother about that silly visitation thing, or they've completely lost custody and have only supervised contact allower.

Oops, almost forgot the third one.

He's in his 60s and just never got around to marriage and family. Now he's looking for a woman who is in her 30s, because he needs to have a next generation coming along. And that's all I'll say about it, it would make him too recognizable otherrwise.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 32
view profile
History
Lack of Kids
Posted: 10/7/2009 7:28:18 PM
Exactly what red flag do you believe this is raising?
 Brownlady1953
Joined: 12/12/2008
Msg: 33
Lack of Kids
Posted: 10/8/2009 1:53:48 PM
My experience with a childless, never-married man over 40 was that he was a closet homosexual........
 Opal-in-October
Joined: 7/6/2009
Msg: 34
view profile
History
Lack of Kids
Posted: 10/8/2009 6:07:17 PM
One thing I've discovered again in meeting new people on this site after my long term partner passed away is that no two people are alike. You should not prejudge anyone for any reason. We are all so different and have our own unique stories. That's what makes life so interesting. We are all like snowflakes...each different than the next.
 kari135
Joined: 9/1/2009
Msg: 35
view profile
History
Lack of Kids
Posted: 10/9/2009 4:38:38 PM
""or had some and sold them to a slave trader ""

Not, unfortunately, as far fetched as it sounds. There were some people in OR a few years ago who offered a baby for sale for $$ supposedly to buy nose candy. They got caught, of course, and tried to pass it off as a joke. No idea what finally happened with that one.

I also knew another woman who popped out babies like so much popcorn, and since they couldn't afford all those kids, she and her husband arranged private adoptions. I'm nnt sure how she felt about it, but he was very forthright about how 'virile' he was, and how his sperm 'had the power of a Harley.' Too bad his brain didn't.
 MarvaJanuice
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 36
Lack of Kids
Posted: 10/9/2009 5:22:52 PM
ok. I happen to be 44 and no children and never married.

No, Im not some basket case or insincere crazy cat lady. I just havent been married and since I havent been married it is out of the question for me to have kids without having the father around.

I get alot of mail saying there's something wrong with me and its always from the ones who say they dont want someone with tons of baggage and dealing with ex husbands..so go figure.

Im now almost at the age of not being able to have kids (no matter what the gyno says) and it kinda hurts my feelings when men say Im not dateable or worthy of a relationship because I havent had a failed marriage or 3 or 4 kids by different daddys.

I took care of my mother until she passed away 8 yrs ago and I didnt date much because I cared for her fulltime. How can you have a relationship with a man when youre doing that? And without having to constantly explain this to people I get the assumption of others that Im somehow gross or a monster that no one finds attractive.I am nuturing and able to be committed because I cared for her for almost 13 yrs..I loved my mom very much and nothing can ever prepare you to find your Mom dead on the bathroom floor where she apparently crawled to in the middle of the night.

Men sometimes say "You must be a secret gay."...or "What's REALLY wrong with you?"

......*sighs... Guess Im just doomed to be alone because Im judged for not having kids so therefore I cant commit to a man...and I cant commit to a man because I havent had kids...

Its not fair.
 lacey0258
Joined: 5/12/2009
Msg: 37
Lack of Kids
Posted: 10/9/2009 5:27:06 PM
I was informed at the age of 19 that my father had a kidney disease that was hereditary. I was told that I had an 80% chance of inheriting this and it seems to show up (high blood pressure, etc.) in your early 30’s.

I made the decision that I did not want to pass this genetic defect on and have my children watch me go though the dialysis, transplant, etc.

My Ex had two boys from a previous marriage, and had a vasectomy years before I had met him. His children met my needs.

Even though I did not inherit that gene…all three of my siblings did.
 MarvaJanuice
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 38
Lack of Kids
Posted: 10/9/2009 5:32:16 PM
That's a wise decision because alot of people on dialysis have family members there too on dialysis..its inherited.

I feel your pain for the decision. I happen to be one of those that cannulate dialysis patients for a living.

..But, then how can I be nuturing.. I havent had kids? How can I feel? I havent been married..
 Opal-in-October
Joined: 7/6/2009
Msg: 39
view profile
History
Lack of Kids
Posted: 10/9/2009 7:25:06 PM
I agree Maryajanuice. From my own experience I feel there is alot of discrimination, it you will, towards woman who have never been married or had children. No matter how hard we've worked in life...how much taxes paid etc...
 ninjaeleven
Joined: 7/15/2009
Msg: 40
view profile
History
Lack of Kids
Posted: 10/9/2009 11:00:35 PM
some people just can't have kids as well as not choosing to. I wouldn't read too much into it, I just try to take people 1 at a time. SHould I base my feelings towards all women based on what me ex did to me?

Ha!, if i did that i'd make jack the ripper look like a wuss.
 mirabelle13
Joined: 9/16/2009
Msg: 41
Lack of Kids
Posted: 10/10/2009 7:55:17 AM
^^^

So true. I want someone who wants me and what I have to offer. If it's not what he wants, then why would I want him?

And it only takes one. . .
 MarvaJanuice
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 42
Lack of Kids
Posted: 10/10/2009 8:40:28 AM
From the BirdCage : " Yes, I live with man. Yes, I wear make up. Yes, Val, Im a middle aged Fag. But, I know who I am. Its taken me 20 years to get here. F*ck the Senator, I dont give a damn what he thinks."


It just amazes me how someone can almost demand I be up to par on what HE wants not even realizing its about what WE want.

I try not to judge people based solely on what I see on a profile and that's why my profile is really quite basic too. Ive found that alot of times the men I am physically attracted to cannot compare with those that capture my mind. Once in a while I meet someone that has both then circumstances get in the way. And youre left with a good friend. :)

Well. Its taken me 20 years to get here but I like me. Life is good. :)
I enjoy reading these forums and seeing how others feel.
 Miss W
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 43
Lack of Kids
Posted: 10/10/2009 9:03:23 AM
I'm pushing 50, no kids, no excuses and no apologies.

 farceur
Joined: 5/3/2009
Msg: 44
Lack of Kids
Posted: 10/10/2009 9:19:39 AM
It's best to avoid women who have never had children because without fulfilling their maternal destiny the associated instincts and impulses for affection are stunted and atrophied. You would be one in a series of their grasping attempts to find in a man's love the basic affirmation of life their barren history has so far lacked, and as such your fate would be the same, winding up left behind when it proved yet again impossible to fill that void. If you do buck the odds and have a go with a childless woman, be careful and especially in bed. Suck on a nipple wrong and you could start a cascade of emotional echoes roaring through her hollow places, which if it resonates could send you and the furniture whirling in a crescendo of disconsolate violence after which if you ask her, did she cum, she will sob uncontrollably but refuse to say why.
 mirabelle13
Joined: 9/16/2009
Msg: 45
Lack of Kids
Posted: 10/10/2009 10:20:12 AM
^^^^^

My farceur,

A little positive today, aren't we?
 gabrielle523
Joined: 9/16/2009
Msg: 46
view profile
History
Lack of Kids
Posted: 10/10/2009 10:27:11 AM
Ok so just to clear up things...we're damned if we have kids and damned if we don't! Thanks everything is so much clearer now!
 NarcissusTemple
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 47
Lack of Kids
Posted: 10/10/2009 1:21:02 PM
I think farceur has it right. I, for one, feel very hollow and unfulfilled because of my barrenness.
It manifests itself in the strangest of ways...my ovaries pulse and spasm at the mere sight of the bulge in a man's pants.
If I'm wearing a bikini in public, which I often do, you can see it. (Soooo embarrassing!)

I've been arrested nineteen times for inadvertently rolling away with someone else's baby in a stroller.
The charges are always dropped when the parents realize it is because I am 44 and without child.

I sleep with a Cabbage Patch Kid.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 48
view profile
History
Lack of Kids
Posted: 10/15/2009 7:34:20 AM
While I certainly would not judge anyone who never had any children, my impression of the lifestyle and habits of those friends of mine who are in that situation is that they would probably have a bit of a time relating to someone who has raised a family. The whole lifestyle of a family operation involves a whole lot of priorities which don't exist in the childless world, and these priorities go on for decades. A family person is thereby trained over the years to look at any aspect of life quite distinctly from a childless person, and consequently I would normally expect conflict to arise in such a pairing.

If you are a childless person, how interested are you in connecting with a family type person, even if their kids are all grown up? Even when kids are grown and gone, it appears to me that they stay on your mind and you are always devoting some level of personal energy, thought and emotion towards them, whereas a childless person would not have that characteristic.
 farceur
Joined: 5/3/2009
Msg: 49
Lack of Kids
Posted: 10/15/2009 7:57:53 AM

It manifests itself in the strangest of ways...my ovaries pulse and spasm at the mere sight of the bulge in a man's pants.
Mere?
 tinkerbellcgy
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 50
view profile
History
Lack of Kids
Posted: 10/15/2009 8:10:38 AM

If you are a childless person, how interested are you in connecting with a family type person, even if their kids are all grown up? Even when kids are grown and gone, it appears to me that they stay on your mind and you are always devoting some level of personal energy, thought and emotion towards them, whereas a childless person would not have that characteristic.

I have pondered this very question on many occasions. I would have to say that I'm not sure that I'd be that interested in it. I qualify that answer by saying it would be dependent on just how dependent the grown up kids are on, in my case, their father. If it meant the relationship between father and child(ren) consumed a great deal of their father's time, emotions, thoughts and energy then I would be relegated to the "second fiddle" position, a position which I have no desire to find myself in.
On the other hand, if the grown children were just that - fully grown and matured, on their own, independent, able to handle their own affairs and are cognizant of the fact that their father is entitled to and has his own life, then that's a whole different scenario that might very well be workable.

I really think it all comes down to an individual's preferences in any given situation. All that I can say for my situation is I prefer to live in a drama-free zone and I would opt for that type of relationship. I see no reason for me to borrow trouble.

Disclaimer: The use of the masculine words "father" and "his" were used as related to my situation. Please feel free to substitute the feminine words "mother" and "her" if warranted by the situation. This is not a gender issue.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Lack of Kids