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 brownie360
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 126
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How Easily Can You Detect Red FlagsPage 3 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
Nasty attitude when talking about his ex. Blames her for everything. Next time it will be me he is badmouthing.
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This is one of the biggest ones...men that do this tend to be quite nasty, it always comes out. Also not wanting you to ask them anything...I stopped dating this man because he had a short temper and got pissed whenever I would ask him a question...
 instride
Joined: 12/14/2007
Msg: 128
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History
How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 10/23/2011 7:58:35 PM
It was a red flag til it turned green with envy.

 sandra2030
Joined: 1/3/2011
Msg: 129
How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 10/24/2011 8:20:51 AM
Yes, and that is a def RED FLAG like no other. Its not worth it for the following reasons: im about to put myself on blast lol but whatever.

My now ex bf was recently seperated, but already well involved in the dating sscene when we met. We were together every night seven nights a week when i learned of him cheating on me. Not to worry i got him back good, real good :) but my point is i forgave him. NEVER AGAIN but i forgave because of how hot and sexy he is. He promised me that he would respect me enough to break up with me if he happen to meet someone else. And he did alright. I would get a text out of the blue saying were not going to work out. Two days later he would be at my door again. I love you lets try again and blame his behavior on his recent seperation from his wife and kids. I believed him. After the seventh time breaking up with me i decide ive had enough so i made it official. He begged he cried but i was done. Cept him and i were taking scuba lessons together. This sucked. So we all show up to scuba dive when i started running a fever and would have to sit the rest of course out. My ex is nice enough to swim me back to shore because i was that weak. He goes back out leaving me with all his personal stuff, cell phone :) keys to his car :) cloths :)
well i couldnt resist. I must check his cell phone to see whats really going on here. Sure enough i found texting back and fourth between him and SEVEN other woman. He broke up with me seven times. this explains everything that assh*le lol . my heart was litterally joking on hurt. I had to get out of there before i do something im gonna regret. But, not without his phone, his keys and f#@k it his cloths too. Like i said i got him good :)
 CarKam1
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 130
How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 10/24/2011 8:29:30 AM
Wow. I never fail to be amazed at the variety of tastes and personality in human beings. One person's "red flag" can be another person's "Oh My God YES!" For example, for me having been mostly or exclusively in long-term relationships denotes loyalty, stability, seriousness, a desire for intimacy. For me, fewer sex partners indicates higher selectivity and seriousness and a desire for in-depth intimacy. In my experience/observation, people who love intensely and deeply cannot jump casually from relationship to relationship.


This too is my take. I was single in every way for 7 years and was not looking for a bed hopper or casual dating because in all honesty that's just not who I am. The man I am with now likes that aspect of me and does not see any disadvantages to me having so few partners. Actually...people in committed relationships tend to have more experience in bed than people who are just casually dating...and depending on your partner, variety between the sheets can be just as good because you have that comfort zone with them. In regards to the relationship outside of the bed there tends to be more loyalty and focus on the partner and more of a mature approach in how we handle red flags and day to day life with our partners. JMO.

I think I am farely good at picking out the red flags, my issues were always acting on them for fear that either it's not really a red flag but me just being paranoid, picky or carrying baggage from past relationships or that the green flags outway the red ones.

Great Topic :-)
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 131
How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 10/24/2011 9:10:20 AM
Red Flag: A very easily observed behaviour or characteristic that is supposed to be linked to some character flaw using very flimsy and questionable logic under the misguided idea that there's shortcut to understanding people and avoid meeting undesirable partners, but that generally leads to overlooking good choices and making bad choices. Burger king mentality for dating.
 kanlai
Joined: 5/13/2009
Msg: 133
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How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 10/31/2011 6:48:46 AM
his computer could've crashed..
 whytwater
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 135
How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 11/1/2011 9:21:59 AM

Red Flag: A very easily observed behaviour or characteristic that is supposed to be linked to some character flaw using very flimsy and questionable logic under the misguided idea that there's shortcut to understanding people and avoid meeting undesirable partners, but that generally leads to overlooking good choices and making bad choices. Burger king mentality for dating.


To the best of my knowledge, no one's ever started a "Green Flag" discussion, when that is evidently what is most needed for the edification of pretty much everyone on this site. Yeah, I agree with Abelian. If you're happy here, twisting in the cyber wind, build those red flag lists- if you might wanna move on and out, start making a list of your green flags.
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 136
How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 11/1/2011 9:53:01 AM
Red Flags are nothing but a SELF-CONTAINMENT issue. You invent things you feel that won't work for you and then exclude others from your life cause they have these red flags.

Individuals...we are all different, so to judge someone new based on the actions of a prior person means you still have healing to do with regard to that person.

I figured this out when I was 20; and I was rushing to meet this guy and one thing after another happened and I was over 30 minutes late and he left; I couldn't explain to him cause it was all so random and he wouldn't believe anything I said at that point and my friends laughed and said...you didn't believe what the guy before him said was the reason he was late either.

Red flags is making the dating experience ALL ABOUT YOU..there is another person there ...but when a guy thinks he sees a red flag with me...it is sorta a two way street; anyone that perfect I wouldn't want to have to put up with any way
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 139
How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 11/1/2011 11:42:38 AM

You mean, like Abelian's red flag....very easily observed behaviour like a woman not kissing him passionately on a first date and not putting out for him on a second date....being used as flimsy and questionable logic etc, etc leading to overlooking good choices...yup, got it

You are logically challenged if you see no connection between kissing and romantic interest. Furthrmore, you've deliberately misconstrued what I've said about sex and second dates through selective reading. I've stated any number of times that I'd probaby be willing to wait longer than that, except that since I've never had to in the last 25 years, I really don't know how long I would wait other than not all that long.

Maybe if he wouldn't have been so red-flaggish about this stance, he could have found this type of relationship sooner, who knows.

Why? I wasn't looking for ``this type of relationship.'' Neither was my fiancee.

If you really think the connection between kissing and romantic interest is tenuous, then there's not much I can say.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 142
How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 11/1/2011 3:48:34 PM
If you some how gleaned from me that I thought there wasn't a huge connection between kissing and romantic interest...

From the way you misconstrued my post(s), I didn't see how I could have reached any other conclusion. Don't misrepresent what I write and I won't have to try to figure out why.

The only reason I brought you up, Abelian, is that you kind of were making it look like folks who have red flags were kinda lame...

I was hoping I could have done better than just ``kinda lame.'' I'd call it more like shooting one's self in the foot, emptying the clip and reloading.

when, indeed, you have red flags yourself.

Really? Do you really think that if I take a woman out to dinner on a date and she doesn't let me kiss her that I'm only speculating about the lack of romantic interest, that the inference I'm making is just too tenuous to be reasonable, or that it's even in the same speculative ballpark as excluding someone, a priori, from inferences drawn about about typical ``red flags'' like multiple marriages/divorces, no photograph or being separated? I'd have to meet a woman to know why she was married and divorced several times, why she had no photograph or what her being seperated instead of divorced means, so I didn't hoist the ``red flag'' when I ran across women in those circumstances and I'd meet her the same as I would anyone else who piqued my interest to the same extent.

On the other hand, If I took a woman out to dinner on a date and she didn't let me kiss her, I already gave her a chance to be interested in me and she passed on it. If that's a problem, it was her problem, because she had the chance. If you don't see the difference between that and those ``red flags,'' well, I'm satisfied that I do. I'd much rather take my chances meeting women in the circumstances I described above and excluding the one who doesn't apper to be interested in me than to pursue one woman who doesn't appear intereted in me and exclude those several other women without meeting them based on ``red flags.''
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 143
How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 11/1/2011 9:11:06 PM

elf-containment or Self-preservation....it's not necessarily "inventing" things that don't work for you and thus excluding them. It's "knowing" that certain kinds of people aren't good for you, and avoid them.

Sometimes I learned about these red flags FROM experiences gained from ex's. Doesn't mean I'm not healed....just means I'm capable of learning, thank the Lord.
One husband was a beater....any signs of physical abuse from another man...is a red flag, don't you think?
One husband got into crack cocaine and refused rehab...signs of addictions in potential dates are red flags, don't you think?
If I was to be dating any of these abusive type of men....I'm pretty sure my loved ones would ring around me and ask me "what's wrong with you...didn't you learn anything the last time??!!"
This doesn't mean I'm inventing anything....just means I'm learning to value myself.


Physical abuse is a criminal act, no one is comparing a red flag to a criminal act and asking it be overlooked.

Red flags are things we assume that another person is capable of without really knowing...the OP said in the course of chatting the person disappeared and she ASSUMED it was cause his wife/gf/significant other came into the room and she called it a red flag!

Signs of addiction are what...using illegal drugs? again a criminal act and goes without saying...but if you saw a white powder and then based on that decided the person was a drug addict and called it a red flag ...but the item was a BC powder...

Red flags seekers specialize in finding what is wrong with someone; they view the person with like a red flag magnifier not to see how they fit into their life but why they dont...making mountains out of molehills.
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 144
How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 11/1/2011 10:44:14 PM
I am not qualified to speak about physical abuse, I only had one guy hit me once when he was drunk but there was nothing in the six months we were together led me to believe that he would physically hurt me. At that point I simply pointed out to him when he was sober that we were finished and we went our separate ways. Now imagine if anytime I was out and a man had one drink to many I immediately thought "Red Flag" this guy is an abuser cause at one time a drunk guy hit me...that is the logic behind most red flags...

That's the issue I personally have with red flags, people tend to group everyone into stereotypical groups...this person is this or that person is that when at times nothing could be further from the truth.

PS..a man bragging about how he works under the table is still a criminal act...and the waitress should dump water on him and give him a reason to be verbally abusive. Conduct that is not something you wish to be exposed to...is not imho a red flag..it shows a character flaw that you have SEEN (known) ...the red flag the op was talking about was the fact that a man chatting disappeared and she assumed it was cause he had a wife...(not known) or a big leap from one thing...drinking to be an abuser (not known).

Instead of her reflecting on her enjoyment of the chat with the guy she is looking for a reason that would cause him to disappear...could be his internet dropped, or his cat got out, someone knocked on his door, there are lots of reasons...maybe he did put brb and then didn't hit send ...but to assume that a person is married cause of a disappearance is a very big jump and shows the extent some will go with the red flag stuff
 CarKam1
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 145
How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 11/2/2011 9:07:57 AM

Really? Do you really think that if I take a woman out to dinner on a date and she doesn't let me kiss her that I'm only speculating about the lack of romantic interest, that the inference I'm making is just too tenuous to be reasonable, or that it's even in the same speculative ballpark as excluding someone, a priori, from inferences drawn about about typical ``red flags'' like multiple marriages/divorces, no photograph or being separated? I'd have to meet a woman to know why she was married and divorced several times, why she had no photograph or what her being seperated instead of divorced means, so I didn't hoist the ``red flag'' when I ran across women in those circumstances and I'd meet her the same as I would anyone else who piqued my interest to the same extent.


This is the problem that I have with "red flags". People who are on dating sites are far too selective and often bi-pass others without understanding why they are divorced, seperated and so on. People judge single mothers saying they should not have had children if they weren't in a stable marriage while not knowing the circumstances and judge men who are seperated figuring the seperation was their fault. So many assumptions that turn into red flags and so little logic behind it. My "red flags" occure after I have met the person face to face and have taken the time to understand why they are in the situation they are in. Even at that point I need to step back and look at the situation from a third person stance because I am not always the best judge of character when it comes to my own personal life and could be critical when I should be empathetic or empathetic when I should be cautious.
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 146
How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 11/2/2011 3:04:28 PM
Sorry I was basing my opinion on the OP...where she says in the first post on this thread what she was referring to as a red flag...the dude disappearing and that means he must have had a wife/gf/so walk into the room.

I personally do not do red flags ...i do see things in people that I personally find unattractive; but I have found if you give a person enough time to show you who they are..then you have solid ground for a decision...since we both were made reference to a man who over drank...this literally happened on a first date ....since my first husband was a drunk I was very concerned. He was a nice enough guy and on the second date he explained he had been off from work the day after and had just been so stressed at work and was enjoying my company that one thing led to another...in the 4 months we dated he never even got close to being drunk again...but if i had said OH NO RED FLAG ...we have a drinker...I would have tagged him wrong cause he really wasn't a drunk.

The whole dumping water was a joke, I realize a waitress can't really do that no matter how much you might want her too! When I was a waitress I had a special way of treating individuals like that; I was good enough (my partner and I had more call parties than the rest of the waiters put together) the owner would back me on it.
 sherrihere
Joined: 10/11/2011
Msg: 148
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How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 11/2/2011 7:46:52 PM
I think for the first time in my life, I am not looking for the good looking guy and I am trying to look for integrity. My red flag is when they asked personal financial questions. Looking for a nurse with a purse.

Show up late and have dirty fingernails Looking for a mama/housekeeper.

When they get to feely touchy,on the first meeting, walk you to the car and french kiss you. RUN it will be only physical and goes down hill from there.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 150
How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 11/3/2011 9:40:48 AM
It’s hard for me to really believe that anyone can say they do not look to see red flags in others they want to date.

From what I've seen in the forums, the term ``red flag'' refers to rather vague behaviour from which people draw inferences about behaviour they don't like. It wouldn't make a sense to call behaviour you don't like a red flag. People already call those things dealbreakers. Even the term ``red flag'' itself indicates that it's only an indicator of something else, not the actual something else..

I didn't need to look for ``red flags.'' I know what I expect , what I find unacceptable and I don't need to infer it from dubious clues. Why tag ``separated'' with a red flag and blow someone off when what I really care about is whether there's another guy hanging around? A woman could be divorced or single and the question is the same. Why tag multiple marriages with a red flag and blow her off when what I care about is whether or not a woman is a flake? A woman could be once divorced or single and the question is the same. Lots of people won't meet someone without a photo because that's red flag that the person is must be unattractive or something else that's negative. What I cared about was whether I found her attractive in person and the women I met who didn't have photos were often quite attractive. At least I knew going in that I wasn't looking at a fake photo.

People seem to want to use cliche red flags to replace thinking about what they really want and making the effort to determine whether or not they are getting it. Why try to figure out if someone is married or not by whether or some calling pattern matches that of someone who is married? I never had to go there. If a woman didn't call me in the way I wold expect someone who is interested in me to call, I knew she wasn't interested enough. I didn't care why she wasn't interested because it didn't make any difference whether she was married, ``too busy'' to get back to me in a reasonable time, just indifferent or whatever. The person who is trying to figure out if someone is married by red flagging calling patterns is just missing the point and getting an assurance of nothing.

I think for the first time in my life, I am not looking for the good looking guy and I am trying to look for integrity. My red flag is when they asked personal financial questions. Looking for a nurse with a purse.

That's a perfect example of how to not identify what you're looking for and using a red flag to end up not getting what you want. If you're looking for integrity, then you look for someone whose words are followed up with action. Although that is something one would want that question isn't even addressed by your red flag. You just exclude people who ask financial questions. You don't actually exclude freeloaders or people with no integrity and you may very well exclude people wo aren't freeloades and who do have integrity. What's wrong with just not spending your money on someone if you don't feel like spending it? The freeloaders will certainly go away if they aren't getting anything for free.

Show up late and have dirty fingernails Looking for a mama/housekeeper.

How about just has dirty fingernails and leave it at that? You don't need an excuse to dislike dirty fingernails.

When they get to feely touchy,on the first meeting, walk you to the car and french kiss you. RUN it will be only physical and goes down hill from there.

If my fiancee hadn't french kissed me on the first date, she wouldn't have gotten a second date much less become my fiancee. Obviously it wasn't only physical and hasn't gone down hill after 2 1/2 years. You're red flagging yourself out a date more than anything else.
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 151
How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 11/3/2011 10:31:18 AM

My red flag is when they asked personal financial questions. Looking for a nurse with a purse.

Show up late and have dirty fingernails Looking for a mama/housekeeper.

When they get to feely touchy,on the first meeting, walk you to the car and french kiss you. RUN it will be only physical and goes down hill from there.


Great examples of someone using limited knowledge about someone else to make a not so good judgement call about that person. This is a great example of why RED FLAGS do not really work, it isnt concrete, it not really known ...it is guessed at by the pattern of behavior this poster was exposed to in the past...it is like throwing the baby out with the bathwater...the right one (tongue in cheek) for this poster might be someone who stopped on the way to meet her and helped someone and got some dirt under his nails but was in such a hurry to meet her he failed to notice it and once he meet her knew that she was the woman for him and just felt compelled to touch her to make sure she was real. He was told all his life what a great kisser he was and tried to show her his passion for her at the end of the date!

Yes I made all that up but the poster made all her thought patterns up also...that is how it works...you make up sh1t on someone you don't really know for sure and then you cross them off your pretend list and wonder why no one meets your expectations...tis sad :(
 fit2date
Joined: 9/18/2009
Msg: 155
How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 11/12/2011 5:07:12 PM
Was this after a pic was sent?
 onlydateIF
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 156
How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 11/20/2011 11:57:38 AM
I was talking and writing to a guy on here. He seemed pretty nice. We hadn't met in person yet or set up an official first date. Then he proposes a first date very early in the morning. That gave me pause and I proposed a different time. He lived about 45 min away from me. We had been talking on the phone, and it was now after 10pm that he was in such a hurry to meet. He told me he wanted to meet right now, without delay, despite what time of night it was ( we had not yet met in person). I thought this was strange and asked a good male friend of mine if he also thought it was. The very next day, my friend calls me up and tells me he met this guys wife in a church group she and my friend both attend-they weren't even officially divorced, and he had lied about several other key details as well. Needless to say, we never did meet in person
 jpwrnglrwmn_forumsonly
Joined: 4/23/2011
Msg: 157
How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 11/20/2011 2:37:16 PM
Men
1 . Whose opening email reads "Cutie! :-)" and nothing else
2. Who ask you on the first date how long it is before you usually have sex
3. When they write to you in an email, it is in text speak, and very different from the conversations they had with you prior to meeting,
4. If their car has been impounded for having $3000 worth of speeding tickets
5. If their place of residence and their height is different than what is listed on their profile
 grligrl44
Joined: 6/5/2011
Msg: 163
How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 11/21/2011 3:17:05 PM
Mmm, is the issue that women don't pay attention or that they excuse the minor nuances that later are identified as red flags.

Just a thought
 grligrl44
Joined: 6/5/2011
Msg: 164
How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 11/21/2011 3:22:14 PM
Well said!!! Don't forget the dr. Jekyl, Mr. Hyde type. You know the ones that play the push pull game. BIG RED FLAG!! I think we women may often excuse this as male pms, but that's just pure c(*&(#p. I think this push pull speaks to their emotional immaturity. I expect much more from a man in their 40's.

d
 drumsafrican12
Joined: 6/19/2012
Msg: 165
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History
How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 6/26/2012 4:18:26 PM
I think that you misunderstand what a "red flag" means. It is a sign that someone has a problem or issue which will cause problems in a long-term relationship, e.g. smoking too much marijuana or always being in debt.

I think you are being overly judgmental in labelling someone as having "a red flag" just because he stopped calling you and did not pursue the relationship. Perhaps he just found a quality in you which did not mesh with what he is looking for in a romantic relationship. That does not mean there is something wrong or negative about either of you, just that you don't fit his relationship needs.

Judith
 beachdancer
Joined: 6/5/2007
Msg: 166
How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 6/27/2012 12:12:16 AM
We are all somewhat influenced by our past. As I live I become more aware of red flags. It is difficult to find that place between believing the best of people and "when to fold" or run. I must agree with the person who said someone who just stopped talking, messaging or calling is not necessarily a red flag. It could be, as they said, just non interest. There could be any number of reasons. I have dropped off the face of the earth, for instance, because I was working nights, 84 hours a week. Sometimes, I have said no, not interested and the person won't take that...so what is left, ignore. They could have a family issue. One person was nice enough to tell me his son was really hurt badly in an accident, his son would need so much care, the dude put his search on hold. Some may have a similar experience and just chose not to share it. Someone may suddenly realize, "You know what, I am not ready for a relationship yet." I have done that. I feel, until we are officially dating, I owe them and they owe me no explanation. Depends on the person and the situation. Doesn't make them a bad person, just not the one for you.

As for red flags, education being the request. Here are some I watch for:
Addictive behavior. Example: "I drink for effect, not taste." Or they smoke dope, even though they could lose their job.
Can't take no for an answer. I should not have to give a reason to say no. Especially if I just met you.
Just out of a relationship. If the relationship was deep, it takes a while to heal.
Unreasonably jealous or just plain unreasonable.
Use of racist, sexist, or other prejudice or abusive language.
Went on a few dates with a fellow who seemed like a bomb that may go off at any time. Ran from that one.
He tells you how beautiful you are and nothing else. Superficial? One was just plain unintelligent.
Thirteen messages, all saying the same thing. He said it seemed like I was uninterested, I wasn't until then. I had simply lost my phone.
Judgemental.
Feelings of fear when you are with the person.
Another dating site used to ask the question, "what happened with your last long term relationship and what could you have done different." I try to ask that question. The answer could be a red flag. Especially if they take NO personal responsibility.
Mainly, obey your guts. If something ain't right, even if you can't put your finger on it, move on.

On the positive side. Try not to judge too soon. Some of us are nervous on a first meeting. We are not always ourselves. Don't look for a demon under every door knob. Just don't ignore the demons leering at you either.

Rejection is not a red flag. Maybe the other party saw something they felt they could not put up with. I call those whammies. Some good training I had (worked with abused and neglected teens) was that sometimes you may remind a person of someone they did not like, who abused them or hurt them. It isn't personal, just something they cannot handle.
 beachdancer
Joined: 6/5/2007
Msg: 167
How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 6/27/2012 9:43:16 AM
Oh, and one flaming red flag: they have no real friends, no relationship with their family members and their aquaintances say, "I love them to death, BUT...." I have dated one person like this and befriended two "ladies" like this. They are emotianal vampires, don't walk, run! Look up Narcissistic Personalities and memorize the symptoms.
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