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 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 76
What you bring to the table Page 4 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

The whole idea that anyone should bring anything to the table financially is the biggest joke I have ever heard, this is known as conditional love. Conditional love has absolutely no place in this world, and is exactly the problem with most of the world today.


Isnt most of the restriction, Red flags, and preferences that people use to exclude others also a good example of *conditional love...funny thing is most people arent finding conditional love, but are to scared to give unconditional love a try.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 77
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/17/2009 10:27:13 PM
Isnt most of the restriction, Red flags, and preferences that people use to exclude others also a good example of *conditional love...funny thing is most people arent finding conditional love, but are to scared to give unconditional love a try.


Sapphireeyes - I disagree - wanting an emotionally and mentally healthy partner is not unreasonable at all. Not selfish with our love but instead smart with our love. I have given my love to men who never loved me in return. It left me feeling empty and hopeless. I have to look to other sources in my life for love, but I dream of the day I can find that with a partner. I will not give my heart carelessly again. I need to be loved in return. I deserve that. Now that I think about it I've never received the love of any man.
 ZenBeth
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 78
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/17/2009 11:28:09 PM
Am no expert but I tend to think a lot depends on how a person has handled money as an adult. As a widow I tend to think of money differently than the friends I have who are divorced. Simply because they had to split everything with California being a community property state. I would assume he would have his money and I would have mine. For me I would be more concerned about whether the person is stable, kind, reliable and doesn't have addiction or anger issues. Having similar but separate interests is also important to me. Don't care for clingy controlling people.

Have always wondered why some people attract the same negative type people over and over. Now I am no new age type, but simply believe that we pretty much get what we seek and need in a person. Being a widow I know I am aware of what I will and will not have in my life. Whereas I know men/women who seem to have some deep set idea that life will never be what they want so they settle for less. And I tend to believe that when its the right time the right person will appear.

~Beth~
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 79
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/18/2009 3:46:10 AM
MissMewsic, I am not sure of the connection to what I said about unconditional love and what you mean by emotionally and mentally healthy partners.

Some people arent capable of an emotional connection, they dont want to be alone but they also have no desire to be "in love". Why would anyone want to be in unconditional love with them? Having been involved with someone like that before I can assure you it's not love on their part but use.

What I mean is those people who think that love is like fast food they can order up whatever they want and have it almost instantly and soon become grumpy that all the men or all the women are blah blah blah...that instead of looking at themselves and seeing where they are missing the boat they prefer to blame the opposite sex for their lack. They love conditionally..ie if the person is this tall and this weight and has this type of job then I will consider a relationship with that person when none of that really has anything to do with love.

Love is simply a gift you give to another, doesnt have to be returned to be real. Being in love with someone is completely different than loving someone.

I have had men realize how much they loved me only after they have lost me, not sure which of us is the better off in that aspect.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 80
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What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/18/2009 5:29:13 AM

Unconditional love does not occur except from a parent to a child. If it did, all of you, except for widows/widowers, would still be married, unless, of course, your spouse divorced you despite your great desire to stay together.

The term unconditional means: "Complete, unqualified, categorical. Not limited by conditions; absolute: an unconditional promise" Without any conditions.

The term conditional means: "Imposing, containing, subject to, or depending on a condition or conditions; not absolute; made or allowed on certain terms: conditional acceptance. "
Whewwww, Glad to see that at least SOMEONE uses the SAME DICTIONARY that I do!!!

In my less eloquent Appalachain dialect, I define "conditional love" as....what you ONLY get from God, and your Mommy....EVERYONE else expects some good behavior!

I'd say it's a sign of insanity to stand there and repeat, but...I love you, I love you, I love you...when some guy is pounding the crap out of your face, or raping your 2 yr. old, or catches his wife in bed with his brother while you're out working 2 jobs trying to give your family a decent life.

Come on....be HONEST now....everyone who preaches "unconditional love" REALLY means that they want to BE loved unconditionally, but even THEY, GIVE love with CONDITIONS.
 FarmExe
Joined: 10/1/2009
Msg: 81
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/18/2009 9:18:42 AM

Unconditional love does not occur except from a parent to a child.

A parent's love to her/his child is a conditional love because the child is her/his child. Any kind of love that happens is under specific conditions. When I was in high school, I might like some boy who was smart, earned good grades, and liked playing sports; I couldn't like fat ugly illiterate unkempt boys...LOL!
 farceur
Joined: 5/3/2009
Msg: 82
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/18/2009 9:29:37 AM
I use conditioner on my beard so it's nice and soft not scratchy. I understand that I could be loved unconditioned but since it's no bother I am glad to do it. My only worry is that if I had a girlfriend and we got stranded on an island and I ran out of conditioner, would she stop loving me?

And what if there was only enough driftwood to make either a raft or a table? The raft might save us, but without a table to bring something to, would that salvation amount to doom for the relationship?

There are so many questions going unanswered, so many mysteries, hidden unseen reasons behind even the simplest of things, that setting the table, grooming and travel seem hopelessly complicated as compared to wanting to get laid, and yet, somehow, solving the puzzle to achieve clarity of purpose is a compelling call that haunts relentlessly despite all efforts to evade it with semantic excess.
 morningsong53
Joined: 5/31/2009
Msg: 83
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/18/2009 9:54:00 AM
--really, I'm thinkin' it's the child who truly loves unconditionally.
--I mean purely unconditionally, moreso than a parent?
Then, I think, after we've all moved through life experiences, I'm
thinkin' grandparents get the truly polished experience of it.
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 84
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/18/2009 9:55:55 AM
Awww Farceur you reminded me of my ex husband with the conditioner on the beard...on special nights he actually would put it all over and then blow dry his body hair and it felt like silk that way.

Make it a raft with legs and you got your table to :P
 morningsong53
Joined: 5/31/2009
Msg: 85
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/18/2009 10:01:25 AM
sheesh, forgot about them for a few....
ok, the YOUNG child....don't you remember feeling that
as a kid, and watching the little ones with their parents even
when they make total buffoons out of themselves....just
believing the sun rises & set on Mama/Papa...
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 86
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/18/2009 10:34:01 AM
Love is simply a gift you give to another, doesnt have to be returned to be real.

One still needs to be able to replenish their inventory.
I was in a relationship once for 2 years with an alcoholic. I treated him with kindness, understanding and encouragement, I never got angry with him, he had all the benefits of a loving wife. Sex, cleaned for him, cooked for him, affection. He rarely complimented me, never told me he loved me, hit me, cheated on me, yet every Friday he would call me to see when I could come over or he could come over here. When we went somewhere together, he was ashamed to be with me, he thought my sense of humor wasn't funny, and in his mind he thought I was making fun of him. I don't know what was going on in his mind, but I assumed that the fact he wanted to spend so much time with me for so long meant he loved me. After 2 years he broke up with me because he was cheating on me and decided to be with her. He married her, just in case you're wondering it wasn't weight that bothered him because she is much heavier - I think she enjoyed the same amount of drinking as him. I couldn't spend all evening on a barstool next to him.

Our first date was him accompanying me to a wedding reception for a couple I had played piano for. He told me he believed a woman finding a man who will marry her is like the equivalent of becoming a CEO of her own company. So I put in 2 years "working" for him with few benefits, I asked for no contract, and then I was outsourced. lol

When he broke it off, I asked him if he ever loved me. He said yes at one time. I asked him which particular day that was.

Love is a gift that shouldn't be given too freely - it is like casting pearls among the swine. Love is an emotion, but goes along with time and energy that you put into a partner. No returns can leave you drained enough to miss the boat on someone who may more appreciate that gift.
 FarmExe
Joined: 10/1/2009
Msg: 87
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/18/2009 10:52:08 AM

I treated him with kindness, understanding and encouragement, I never got angry with him, he had all the benefits of a loving wife. Sex, cleaned for him, cooked for him, affection. He rarely complimented me, never told me he loved me, hit me, cheated on me, yet every Friday he would call me to see when I could come over or he could come over here.

Love is giving, but love is mutual. One of my neighbors has a dog that is cute. The dog always barks to everyone whom she sees. When all neighbors get used to her barking, nobody likes her anymore because the dog isn't too smart and doesn't understand anyone's like to her...
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 88
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What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/18/2009 11:50:59 AM
Ismene, that was well said.

Some of you find financial matters uncomfortable to discuss and think they are unimportant, but they do affect your life day to day, like it or not. The premise of the thread was about financial compatibility, not about whether or not you are compatible in any other way.

I wonder how many of the fish here in this pond divorced, at least due in part, to financial reasons? You fought over and over about them. Having little or not even enough puts stress and strain on a relationship. There is no right or wrong here, no judgements being made, just discussion over a very real aspect of life and relationships. For some of us, it is an important aspect, for others, it is on the bottom of the list.

To the poster who said that because I posed this question, I am not a woman who you would want to know, so be it. I could care less and happy fishing to you. I find it odd that you react so strongly to a forum post, but whatever.

It is not smart to live without thought for tomorrow, in my opinion, or to not plan for the long-term. If were are blessed to live long enough to enjoy retirement, then it means we need a way to take care of ourselves.
 slumpy
Joined: 9/21/2009
Msg: 89
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/18/2009 12:04:56 PM
You can't have a crazy person controlling money. People in relationships have to think somewhat alike when it comes to monetary situations.

That being said, a relationship is 50/50. 50% is hers, and 50% I owe her. Mama needs a new pair of shoes
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 90
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What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/18/2009 12:12:35 PM
Your are right, slumpy. My ex says that I can do more with a dime than he can do with a dollar. We manage our finances fine, but I did the budgeting. We discussed our purchases together and if I wanted to get something that was more than $50.00 more than what was budgeted for, it was discussed. The family finances affects everyone and it cannot be ignored. If one spends like crazy and the bills cannot be paid, it becomes an issue which can affect all of the other aspects of your life.

I have enough for me and I am willing to share what I can. I just need for him to be responsible as well.
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 91
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/18/2009 1:39:19 PM
MissMewsic, you gave a man the gift of your love and you didnt give yourself the gift of your love, you stayed in an abusive relationship ...not out of love...when you figured out why you stayed you will have a better understanding of who you are and what you need to be happy in a relationship. The love you gave him, didnt hurt you...he hurt you so the question is why did you love him?
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 92
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/18/2009 2:06:09 PM

The love you gave him, didnt hurt you...he hurt you so the question is why did you love him?

Good question - Because I thought he loved me. When you know better you do better. I have learned to recognize very quickly if he is not capable of loving me, he brings nothing "to the table."
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 93
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What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/18/2009 2:16:57 PM
Saffireyes, you are so wise, friend.

MsMewsic, you gave of yourself in hopes of being given to in return. It hurts very much to be treated like that. I too have loved someone more than he loved me and I learned from it. It was and still is, a very, very painful lesson.

We get lost if we love someone more than we love ourself. Our generation of women were raised to be such givers and caretakers. Somewhere in there, in my upbringing at least, I was not taught that it was important to love me and to ask to be nurtured as well. We cannot give and give without getting anything in return. I have learned though and now, if he is a taker and less of a giver, I know that this is not the right balance for me to have a healthy relationship.

Better luck to all of us, next time. The most important thing any of us to bring to the table is an open and willing heart.
 Breezeesea
Joined: 3/21/2009
Msg: 94
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/18/2009 2:22:16 PM
My house is paid for so is my car. I don't expect anything from anyone. I think I would just like to meet the guy first and see if we like being around each other. I don't think past that.
 kari135
Joined: 9/1/2009
Msg: 95
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What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/18/2009 2:35:29 PM
Conditional love has absolutely no place in this world, and is exactly the problem with most of the world today.


If love was truly unconditional, there would be no need for all those preferences, interests, photos, and mail filters. All one would have to do is search for the nearest person with the same goal - dating, friends, long term, whatever.

Instead, a prospective match has to be someone who shares similar interests. golf, fishiing, sailing, whatever is most important to a specific person. And there would be no 'must not smoke/do drugs/etc' filters on messages. If love was unconditional, no one would worry about age differences, children or lack thereof, or anything. Just the closest warm body still breathing would be sufficient.

For myself, it's conditional. I want someone who doesn't look blank if I mention Sputnik, JFK's assassination, the Motown sound, and he has to like animals. And he shouldn't expect me to go to his church to 'represent' him there.
 Blues1963
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 96
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/18/2009 2:48:47 PM
6 years ago I had a 70k a year job, house, 3 cars, fishing boat, 60" toshiba TV. I had a lot of interest from single mothers barely making ends meet. Attractive, healthy women not so much because the 60hrs a week and stress had me way fat, pissed off and on lots of blood pressure meds.

5 years ago I ditched the job, the house, most of the cars and the bigass TV. I took my equity and bought a big boat to live on outright, paid off all of my debt, and took a much lower paying job that I enjoyed and could work part time at if I wanted.

I lost 70lbs and 3 blood pressure pills. I walk and golf alot and I laugh alot now. I take lots of three day weekends on the boat. I pay my bills and have a little 401k stashed, but I'm not flying any women to Italy any time soon.

Which me would you rather have Ladies?
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 97
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What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/18/2009 3:01:57 PM
You are a happy man now and women like happy more than PO'd.
 ~Azul Ojos~
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 98
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/18/2009 3:02:14 PM
What you bring to the table...

I bring a good , healthy, and happy attitude. I would appreciate someone to bring the same. I don't bring baggage, debt, or regrets. I am who I am because of my life experiences so far.

I would like to find someone who is an equal, happy, content , confident person, and whose heart is open to allow us as a couple to prosper and work towards sharing a life time of making unique and wonderful memories.

It seems simple, but is proving difficult.......
 ronosaurus
Joined: 7/22/2007
Msg: 99
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/18/2009 5:38:28 PM
What have I brought to my table?
Food for the body: Baked salmon, steamed baby spinach, brown rice, wine, fresh fruit dessert, coffee.
Food for the mind: multiple copies of "A General Theory of Love" for my dinner guests to take home and read in the hope they would be ready to discuss the contents at our next musical evening.
 ~Azul Ojos~
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 100
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/18/2009 6:14:33 PM
Dinner sounds good and healthy! Just send a copy of the book to all POF females. We may learn something beneficial...

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