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 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 55
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!Page 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Fvck... dont you pay attention to what you write???

If it wasnt that "serious" you wouldnt think "he's the ONE".

You asked for opinions, well you got em!!
Even the ones you dont like (which seem to be all of them that tell you to move the hell on)

Now your just making excuses so we will either agree with you or tell you everything will turn out the way you want it. Sorry chick... it aint gonna work!!

Read the writing on the wall.... or in this case, the posts.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 58
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/10/2009 2:46:25 PM
Some women seem to put more emphasis on marriage than just accepting a good relationship and being happy with that.
If you push him for more you might just drive him away.
Just go with the flow and see where it goes........

I thought that all through my 20s and 30s - look at me now.
It was easy to say:
"oh he makes me so happy - I don't want to be like some manipulative, demanding woman that may scare him away. Gee it sure would be nice to have someone to do something with this weekend. I wonder if I booked a trip for 2 next year if he would go with me. Wow - another 29 days of sleeping alone, but I don't want to seem needy It's my 40th birthday but I haven't heard from him. "

Just a preview of life if a woman takes this attitude.

He doesn't care about his future or yours.
A woman's value goes down with age-- it's not about the sex. It's about not caring about keeping you in limbo while you hope he changes his mind someday. If you want to make an appt to just schtoop him once a month to take care of a physical need go for it girl, but don't give him any more than that and make sure you're doing it for you and not because you're hoping for more.



The reason he is the one is because he has never been married !
He hasnt had time to get bitter about women and relationships.

But he is bitter about relationships - that's why he doesn't want a real one.
 Minau
Joined: 9/2/2007
Msg: 66
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/10/2009 3:59:33 PM
Once they find the one...the commitment phobia goes out the window...go figure
 colt8301
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 70
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/10/2009 8:27:15 PM
I wouldn't rush to call him a commitment phobe, I tend to side with men like this, you have to be extremely careful when choosing someone to be in a relationship. one wrong move and you are basically up "s%^$" creeks if you pick the wrong woman or man, it's nothing you can do except work on his timetable or should I state the obvious?
 MyFunIsAnArtForm
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 71
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/10/2009 8:30:55 PM
If he believes the relationship will end in failure, then maybe that's been his past experience or he's making you 2nd best.
 blondiez1970
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 73
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/11/2009 1:07:31 AM
His fear of relationships is fear with in himself.

You are only the one for him once a month. C'mon, get the blindfold off of your eyes and see it for what it really is, you are just a piece of a$$ to him, that is it.

If he really "cared" about you, he would be seeing you more than once a month.

We all have fears about relationships, about one thing or another.

His excuses are just to keep you on the back burner and I guarantee, he as other "once a month" dates.

If he knows how you feel and what you want, and does not want the same, but yet still engages with you once a month, he is just a "dawg". He is playing on your feelings, he knows you will be there, he knows you will give him what ever he wants and when.

If he was a real gentleman as you say, he would end things and not keep persuing time with you "once a month", he would tell you to move on and find someone who wants the same things as you do and someone who will love you the way you love them.

It is like a game of chess, he gets to move around and do what he wants, while he blocks you from moving forward, you are his game, his toy, his lady in waiting.

I bet he has a few women who he tells that same bullshit excuses too, and only sees "once a month".

He is not going to change, no matter what you say or do or how long you wait.
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 75
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/11/2009 1:42:43 AM
You have 2 choices, just enjoy time spent together without expecting it to go further

OR

Move on to someone who wants something more stable and monogomous.

If you emjoy your time together, why stop seeing him? But...........Do keep your other options as well. Dont make him a priority.
 curiousaboutu77
Joined: 12/28/2007
Msg: 76
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What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/11/2009 1:51:30 AM
I am confused, how does one come to the conclusion that they are the one after only a handful of dates given that it's only once a month? Why would anyone even think about commitment after only a handful of dates ? To me it sounds like you have gone ahead of yourself. Get to know each other properly first to work out if you really can have a long term relationship then worry about the commitment.
 startle
Joined: 7/22/2008
Msg: 82
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/11/2009 8:38:49 AM
why would your waste time on someone who is frustrating you like this ....i have been there...you think you are smart enough to change his mind and get what you want...you could be so much happier and be treated so much better by a man who is totally sold on you...the worst thing that could happen to you would be to capture this man...if he does not love you now...which is the real problem...it will not come in time..you will end up being treated badly which will be very bad for your ego...a long and satisfying relationship is based on a mutual attraction...this is a one sided relationship...you will only be drained and depressed by your lack of ability to give up and walk when things are not going well...if you are looking for a long term relationship you need to go out and look for a man who sees you as ..the one...
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 84
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/11/2009 11:06:01 AM
Just keep having your pseudo-date with him once a month (hopefully it's not at the wrong time of the month) and each time you will want more of him and he will give you less and less. He has already planned what he wants his life to be. He lets other people's failures decide his future. Just a ray of sunshine isn't he?

I say this not because I'm a prudish spinster, but because I have spent years of my life putting my hopes into BFs that had this exact attitude. If he has disclosed this to you so soon, he already has made his decision about you. It's his wimpy little way of telling you "caution". He may already be seeing someone else that he considers a better candidate.

I spent every weekend with a 40 year old bachelor for 2 years - doing nice things for him while he was at work - laundry, cleaning, dishes, and make sure his apartment looked nice even if it meant buying him a new comforter, a set of matching dishes - I thought I was happy with the way things were, never pushed marriage on him, but I did give an opinion about another couple that jumped into marriage and said "I think 2 years is a good amount of time to get to know someone well enough to make a commitment". One night out of the blue when he made plans for us to get together, he told me straight up "I don't want to marry you - I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you." I was crushed. Later I realized it was almost 2 years since the day we met. He was planning to get as much life out of me as he could and then dissappear to avoid any expectations. I had actually tried to say goodbye to him a couple of times during that 2 years and he always sent me flowers and asked to come back so I wasn't forcing myself on him. Within 6 months after dumping me he got married. He stole 2 years of my life that I'll never get back. and he wasn't the only one. I've wasted decades on men that weren't worth my time.

I'm telling ya girl - his attitude towards a relationship is a red flag. He wants to keep his options open. He will give you exactly what you ask for, which is nothing. Don't waste years with a man that you have no future with.
 BlueEyes1712
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 85
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What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/11/2009 11:14:42 AM
Respect his feeling and by all means do not discuss marrage ever till he considers therapy for himself if he wants to get more serious. What I have learnt is dont spoil a thing that is going well.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 87
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/11/2009 11:39:13 AM
Good for you - maintain! When you ever find yourself getting as excited and anxious as you were in your first post here, go back and read the entire thread. It's probably the equivalent of a cold shower for ya - sorry! You're a beautiful girl - He should be grateful for your time and attention.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 91
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What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/12/2009 11:15:38 AM
No he's not the one because commitment phobic is a load of horse crap that translates into you are not the one. Don't believe me, look around you and start taking surveys for the number of people that know or have been in relationships of long duration with a commitment phobe who broke up with someone or them and turned right around and were married and expecting their first child within a year.

When someone is the one, they don't need to be dragged through a relationship kicking and screaming. You can stick around for months or years to figure this out or you can walk away from the relationship and find someone that actually wants to be in one.
 hope2float
Joined: 9/24/2009
Msg: 94
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/12/2009 11:33:56 PM
You might want to read the book "He's scared, she's scared". Also, ask yourself if you are in some way also a commitmentphobe and that is why you think he is "THE ONE" even though there are red flags.
Good luck to you!
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 95
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/13/2009 6:42:43 AM
You might want to read the book "He's scared, she's scared". Also, ask yourself if you are in some way also a commitmentphobe and that is why you think he is "THE ONE" even though there are red flags.

Good point! All my life I've dated men who were unavailable and thought there was something wrong with me - there was. Turns out I only wanted marriage & commitment because that's what normal women do. I'm so much happier now realizing I'm not normal. The idea of happily ever after scares me to death, but I also don't want to give years of my life to a man that doesn't appreciate me.
 NikkiB45
Joined: 12/4/2011
Msg: 96
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 2/28/2012 9:39:23 AM
LMAO!!! I like your style Landra2! javascript:smilie('')
..so true, so true...
 PleiGyrl
Joined: 2/7/2012
Msg: 97
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 2/28/2012 9:53:34 AM
I met a great guy on here a year and 1/2 ago. He's divorced with kids & so am I. amazing chemistry, great dates..both have great careers..everything perfect. We introduced our kids & families/parents. We have even talked about getting engaged.He visited my hometown & I visited his local family. Fast fwd 1yr later to my 36th Birthday 12/2011..he flew me to LasVegas for a few days had an amazing time. I was online and noticed he'd been on POF. Someone once told me that men who use online dating never get away from it. I think he's afraid of committment as well. Him, allowing himself to communicate/chat with other women still gives him a sense of freedom, even if he doesnt act on it.
 viauti
Joined: 11/4/2011
Msg: 99
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 2/28/2012 1:30:41 PM
try to make him fall inlove crazily, and the n Ignore him,play hard to get ,make him think that you r not interested in a commitment or not to sure about him, It works,good luck and let me know ;)
 DaniaSweden
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 101
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What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 2/28/2012 5:18:52 PM
RUN!! He has issues that you can not repair. You are wasting your time. You are too old to waste your time with someone that does not know what they want or know where they are going and are okay living in the here and now forever.
 x_file
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 102
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 2/28/2012 6:20:00 PM

Dig deeper--you'll find the unamazing part I'm sure.


What a lovely attitude! Mind the sarcasm.

Lets suppose you are right. So what? You think you are perfect? You think OP is perfect?
You think if a guy looked at you objectively he won't find your unamazing parts? I just did - and it look me less than ten seconds. Imagine what I can do in an hour!

If you don't like what I just said, you should look in the mirror. I'm just the messenger.



he is telling you that he is a bachelor.


So what?

If there isn't a ring and a wedding begging at a woman's feet a bachelor cannot be an amazing person to spend time with? I guess you hate every man over the age of 18 who is not married.



he doesn't have what it takes for a long-term relationship, so he's obviously not the most amazing man on the planet.


What amazes me is that a guy who is described by a woman as caring, sensitive, mature, hardworking, thoughtful and a gentleman is not a long term relationship material to you. But a woman, namely OP, who you know little or nothing about, you assume is a long term relationship material by default!

I'm NOT saying that OP is or isn't long term relationship material. Let me repeat that for those who are semi-conscious: I'm NOT saying that OP is or isn't long term relationship material.

I just find it amazing that you simply assume she is, and even with testimony to the contrary you claim the guy isn't. That is astonishing, and definitely noteworthy.



If you could have him you'd find reasons why he's not your type.


How sad, if true. A heartbreak waiting to happen.



Fecking reality check... Your asking for advice on how to get around it... Check ...Check... Reality check.... Sounds like games to me. Check ..check....


Check confirmed. I'm glad someone is awake.



It's always funny how some people aren't afraid to take whatever they want - time, attention, sex, emotions.. but they suddenly get "scared" when it comes to giving anything of substance.


Oh the irony, the hypocrisy!



A guy who is, scared of commitment is not amazing, he is a pain in the ass.


If you are a guy reading the responses in this thread and you are not scared of commitment, you are a fool in my opinion.

As one poster already pointed out, OP is asking for advice on how to manipulate a man to get what she wants.



Think what you want, not him, you! want from your life.


You should put that as your headline in your profile. Actually summarize it:

The f*ck with what my boyfriend/husband wants.



His lack of commitment does not bother him, its you have the problem with it.He has it, just as he wants.People dont change to suit others, they change to suit themselves.


What a horrible outlook on people and relationships. And YOU of all people have the nerve to belittle guys who don't want commitment! Un-f'n real!

If people don't change to suit others, and it follows that women don't change to suit others. It follows that women don't change to suit men. It follows that women don't make any compromises in a relationship. Why would any guy want to commit to a woman who is utterly selfish? The same for a woman.

What are you doing on a dating website with such negative view of people?



leave him...i am saying that...becuase i have to do that too...he is playing games...you are just the acting quaterback...or is he not a real man...he will not end this relationship...he has everything...take it from me...you will find somebody else


They are seeing each other once a month, and you claim the guy has everything? Don't you think you are being ridiculous?

You really know nothing about OP. You really know nothing about what this guy considers "everything" in a woman, and you have the audacity to claim he has everything?



but.... he thinks all relationships end in failure sooner or later HELP!


You are going to prove him right.



My advice would be to back off a little and let him come to you.


Perhaps if they both backed off a little, they will both know where they stand - single.



If you want to make an appt to just schtoop him once a month to take care of a physical need go for it girl, but don't give him any more than that and make sure you're doing it for you and not because you're hoping for more.


Wow! Just wow!

If a man instead of a woman followed your advice he would be called ... oh yeah... commitment phobic, unamazing, pain in the ass, player, user, etc..



I too met an amazing man not so long ago. Sexy, sweet, caring, has a job, bought me presents, wrote how much he loved spending time with me in a xmas card. And like your man? he didn't want a commitment. He too got burnt by love's hand and was afraid to commit to anyone let alone me. It's not what I wanted, but I'd already fallen for him and the sex was ootw...let's face it. Real talk yea. So I went with it. Enjoyed our time together and everything. Hoping/praying...wishing!


So you went with it? No you didn't! You were hoping and wishing, and had an agenda from day one. How manipulative!



I really don't find it necessary though to make a guy wrong or bad bc he doesn't want commitment.


I agree.

But it is a woman's nature to bash men who don't bestow on her what she desires.



So, by your own admission, you only see this man once a month because of YOUR schedule.


I guess some women, right about now, might want to take back some of the things they said about this guy. A long look in the mirror wouldn't hurt either.



Wow, poor dude... in... what? ... 3 pages, ... he just went from "the ONE" to "not that serious"!


Poor dude? Poor men!



From what you've written, it doesn't sound like HE has a problem with commitment, but maybe it makes YOU feel better to label him that way.


There is probably more truth in that, than the claim the guy is a commitment phobic.



He is saying you are not the one but will enjoy your company until that one and only comes along - dump him.


It looks like SHE is also enjoying his company. Which hypocrite school did you go to?



Spell what you mean by commitment.


I wish more men asked a woman to do this.



Either enjoy the here and now, knowing it won't last forever or just leave before it' s too late.


Do you have a magic eight ball? If you don't then you never know if it will or won't last - even with a guy who is crazy about commitment.

So your advice should be no more than: Enjoy the here and now.



I met a man like this, he was always up front and honest that he couldn't commit. I thought I could play it cool and not get attached but a year in & I did..I knew I wasn't gonna be the girl who'd change him so I walked...that was a few months ago and I'm still hurting/ thinkin about him all the time.


You are crazy. In fact, most women are. And this is not merely my opinion - women admit it more than men.

I don't mean to be insulting, demeaning, or rude, but if you think about it, you walked way from a man you liked and still like simply because he did not want to commit.

I wonder what is the practical difference between these scenarios:

1) He did commit, you had fun, but things didn't work out for whatever reason.
2) He didn't commit, you had fun, and some time later you walked way.

In either case, the result is the same.

You probably don't even have a clear idea of what commitment means, or what it really is. If anything, just like men's instinct for sex, you are going on an instinct that you do not understand.



He has already planned what he wants his life to be. He lets other people's failures decide his future. Just a ray of sunshine isn't he?


What exactly do you know about this man other than he thinks all relationship fail that justify such bashing from you?

You have a bone to pick with men? Take it out me. I think commitment is for idiots. There, let loose.



Im just going to enjoy his company on a loose level just as he does with me.


So you are using the guy!

I don't think you are using him, but by going what women said earlier, namely that he was using you, I thought I would point out the hypocrisy.



You're a beautiful girl - He should be grateful for your time and attention.


He is a "caring, sensitive, mature, hardworking, thoughtful, gentleman" that is "completely beautiful and has a wonderful soul" - she should be grateful for his time and attention.

Sorry, I forgot. It doesn't work that way.



The idea of happily ever after scares me to death, but I also don't want to give years of my life to a man that doesn't appreciate me.


So you are a commitment phobic.



Previous experience has taught me if a guy claims to be 'commitment phobic', cut your losses. It's usually a get out of jail free card further on and you'll probably hope you can change his opinion but chances are it won't happen.


Previous experience has taught me if a woman claims to want commitment, cut your losses. It's usually a get out of jail free card further on and you'll probably hope you can change her opinion but chances are it won't happen.

Just talk to the men who got kicked to the curb and taken to the cleaners because they committed but their wive cheated on them.
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 103
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What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 2/28/2012 7:09:28 PM
A cure for the slow to marry kind-
An all expenses paid trip to Los Vegas (drinks included)!

Just Get him down there
gambling partying all sprinkled with a liberal dose of alcohol

Then once he says "I'm up for anything now"
Excuse yourself, head for your room in and get into that beautiful white bridal gown
Get a cab and off the the drive through wedding chapel.

Next morning, when he comes to, and shakes off the grogginess, greet him with a big smile, a nice kiss and a "good morning husband"- and show him the nice ring he bought.

I'm sure he thank you for getting that over with quick and painlessly. A true keeper....
 CulturedBlackMan
Joined: 2/20/2012
Msg: 104
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 2/28/2012 8:34:36 PM
Nothing.....or even harder HEAR him and ACCEPT him for who he is......then move on.

Why dont women listen?
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 105
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What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 2/29/2012 12:40:19 AM
I think you are afraid of being alone, going at it alone, raising a son by yourself, and moving away and you are looking to be rescued. Otherwise you wouldn't be seeking a relationship in just a few dates.
I've been accused of being a commitment phobe myself, not true. I just can tell when something isn't right and that they'll want me to change or they'll start changing when they are in a relationship with me and then the whole thing will go to sh*t.
He liked you because he thought you were independent and did not need. Now you are backtracking. He feels this so he makes this commitment excuse or you make it for him. He does not want to be responsible for your happiness, and can't be.
Stick to your plans, you can always ask him to visit after you get settled.
Just my experience, I could be wrong. Good luck!
 musical_turtle
Joined: 3/11/2011
Msg: 106
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 2/29/2012 4:08:11 PM
Well....he's not THAT amazing, is he? An amazing man wouldn't think twice about committing if he's 100% certain you're 'The One'. Also, if he thinks that way about relationships...it seems kinda negative. Negative isn't amazing .
Don't try to change his mind or think you can change his perspective on it, because that's the way he is, and probably has been for a long time before he met you. So accept it, or move on.
 ElDudero
Joined: 8/19/2010
Msg: 107
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 2/29/2012 5:33:31 PM
I think we fall into these typical gender roles to establish our selves as "normal". I know I do when dating. Male is the provider, woman is the home maker. There are plenty of takes on it.
These roles where developed in colonial times and hold us back as a culture. Be yourself- a modern woman. Share your talents, your professional perks, your humor, and be helpful, open and honest. What are you going to bring to the table that will befit him, his carer, his home, his belly, his nether regions, his life?
It feels like courtship behavior is kinda reversing its polarity. I would be impressed if a girl picked me up and took me out and paid for it.
Enjoy it and bail before it goes down in flames.
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