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 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 4
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!Page 4 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I dunno. If he's all those things and he's only seeing you, what's your problem? Enjoy him. You want to live with him and have kids? If so, and he doesn't, don't set yourself up for disappointment by figuring you'll force him to change his stance. He may change on his own over time but you've been "warned" how he feels.
 WasabiGal
Joined: 8/10/2009
Msg: 5
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/9/2009 1:16:20 PM
walk away.

he is telling you that he is a bachelor.

listen to him

he doesn't have what it takes for a long-term relationship, so he's obviously not the most amazing man on the planet.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 10
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What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/9/2009 1:33:00 PM
Someone can be totally amazing yet have different goals. Sometimes, the fascination is even because their thinking is unconventional.

Whatever you decide, do respect his choices and do not try to change him - that is the surest path to driving him away. However, accept him as he is if you are able, and who knows? His perspective could change based on his OWN experiences and decisions.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 21
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What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/9/2009 2:00:37 PM
You realize how amazing he is, respect that he's not going to commit to you and either have a great friend, a fun lover or walk away and don't whine.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 23
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/9/2009 2:26:37 PM

he thinks all relationships end in failure sooner or later HELP! What can I do its soooo frustrating! He is just really "THE ONE"

Maybe he can give you a time frame of how long he will be gracing you with his beautiful and wonderful presence? If he doesn't believe he's "THE ONE" you can't make him. No matter how many examples you give him of lasting relationships he will see the glass as half empty rather than half full. I've had long term BFs that used that argument against marriage. It is frustrating - don't even go there with him. If he uses other people's behavior to justify his own, it's really a lame excuse that has probably worked well for him. He has created a self fulfilling prophecy for himself. You don't want to be a part of it unless you are happy with him just making a guest appearance.
 WalkingInLondon
Joined: 2/21/2005
Msg: 25
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/9/2009 2:43:51 PM
God, I hate nagging women!!! And I'm a woman! If women would get that stupid notion that they can change men into something other than what they are out of their heads there would be a lot more happy couples.

Hey listen up OP, he treats you like a princess, he says he loves you, he is good to you, he is thoughtful and kind, what are you complaining about? You better wise up and be thankful you have a good man, because there are plenty of ***holes out there who will marry you two weeks after they meet you and then six months later they are beating the shit outta you.

So he's not putting a ring on your finger. Who cares? Be happy knowing he loves you and you love him back. Do you need a ring or a piece of paper to prove he's with you? If so, then you're looking at this relationship entirely wrong.

You better appreciate what you've got, while you've got it. And if you don't, then happy trails. There will certainly be other women out there who will appreciate a good man who treats them like gold but just doesn't see a need to get married anytime soon. Get your priorities straight. Do you want a man, or a ring?

Beth
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 30
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What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/9/2009 3:52:20 PM
Sounds like you're aiming to prove him right again, what with all your frustration, and your inability to accept him the way he is.
Don't ask how to change him, if you like him so much the way he is. No doubt part of why is IS so "caring, patient, bla-bla-bla" is BECAUSE he believes all relationships fail. He's relaxed because he has no fear, just like any dead-man-walking. He loves your company, and can deal with your nervousness, because he has no expectation that you'll be around him freaking out for an extended period of time. He has the money to "pay every time [you] go out on dates" because he doesn't need to save for future education expenses, pay for family health care, etc.
This is the same reason some women think the guy they have an affair with is so much better than their boring husband or S.O. The affair guy is carefree BECAUSE he's the affair guy. This man is the same for you, the only difference is you aren't cheating on a husband with him (are you?).
 RUmPsHaKER
Joined: 9/4/2009
Msg: 32
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/9/2009 4:39:54 PM
the person you are trying to reach ((mister wonderful))

is currently UNAVAILABLE ((doesn't feel the same toward you))

please try your call again later


 sinlov
Joined: 2/25/2008
Msg: 37
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What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/9/2009 5:37:15 PM
Once a month would be really hard for me if he were all that and a bag of tricks. Wean yourself off slowly girl. Look for what you need and want. You only deserve what you set your sails for. Sounds like he's just got part of it. LOL. As look as your eyes are fixed on that"prize" you won't be able to see the others. Good Luck. If you back off what do you think would happen?
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 42
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/9/2009 10:03:47 PM
*ONCE A MONTH????* Are you crazy? Nevermind. Affirmative.

Short of a witch doctor with creds, you are SOL. This fella's telling you in the gentlest way possible that you are NOT the one. Believe him. He's not lying.

 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 50
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/10/2009 1:10:53 PM

All the prespectives are very interesting, believe me when I say I was merely asking a question, not seeming to come across as needy far from it, because im not in a relationship with him I am still dating so all those people that think im desperate to have him and change gim pump ya breaks lol its not that serious!


That's not the impression you gave when you said he's "THE ONE". If you're not interested in commitment, his views on the subject shouldn't be very important.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 53
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/10/2009 1:26:32 PM
He is "the one" - for what exactly? To be the father of your future luv child?
 girlred228
Joined: 6/23/2008
Msg: 54
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What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/10/2009 1:34:50 PM
I think that is the problem with women.. we have the man fitted for his tux.. in a matter of months.. there is no way.. you could possibly know that this is all true about him.. if you jsut met him.. he might have just brought his "A" game.. just like women do... when first getting to know someone..

Relax.. enjoy the ride... he seems perfect and he might be.. but prolly not.. so just relax and enjoy the ride....
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 58
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/10/2009 2:46:25 PM
Some women seem to put more emphasis on marriage than just accepting a good relationship and being happy with that.
If you push him for more you might just drive him away.
Just go with the flow and see where it goes........

I thought that all through my 20s and 30s - look at me now.
It was easy to say:
"oh he makes me so happy - I don't want to be like some manipulative, demanding woman that may scare him away. Gee it sure would be nice to have someone to do something with this weekend. I wonder if I booked a trip for 2 next year if he would go with me. Wow - another 29 days of sleeping alone, but I don't want to seem needy It's my 40th birthday but I haven't heard from him. "

Just a preview of life if a woman takes this attitude.

He doesn't care about his future or yours.
A woman's value goes down with age-- it's not about the sex. It's about not caring about keeping you in limbo while you hope he changes his mind someday. If you want to make an appt to just schtoop him once a month to take care of a physical need go for it girl, but don't give him any more than that and make sure you're doing it for you and not because you're hoping for more.



The reason he is the one is because he has never been married !
He hasnt had time to get bitter about women and relationships.

But he is bitter about relationships - that's why he doesn't want a real one.
 MyFunIsAnArtForm
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 71
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/10/2009 8:30:55 PM
If he believes the relationship will end in failure, then maybe that's been his past experience or he's making you 2nd best.
 startle
Joined: 7/22/2008
Msg: 82
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/11/2009 8:38:49 AM
why would your waste time on someone who is frustrating you like this ....i have been there...you think you are smart enough to change his mind and get what you want...you could be so much happier and be treated so much better by a man who is totally sold on you...the worst thing that could happen to you would be to capture this man...if he does not love you now...which is the real problem...it will not come in time..you will end up being treated badly which will be very bad for your ego...a long and satisfying relationship is based on a mutual attraction...this is a one sided relationship...you will only be drained and depressed by your lack of ability to give up and walk when things are not going well...if you are looking for a long term relationship you need to go out and look for a man who sees you as ..the one...
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 84
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/11/2009 11:06:01 AM
Just keep having your pseudo-date with him once a month (hopefully it's not at the wrong time of the month) and each time you will want more of him and he will give you less and less. He has already planned what he wants his life to be. He lets other people's failures decide his future. Just a ray of sunshine isn't he?

I say this not because I'm a prudish spinster, but because I have spent years of my life putting my hopes into BFs that had this exact attitude. If he has disclosed this to you so soon, he already has made his decision about you. It's his wimpy little way of telling you "caution". He may already be seeing someone else that he considers a better candidate.

I spent every weekend with a 40 year old bachelor for 2 years - doing nice things for him while he was at work - laundry, cleaning, dishes, and make sure his apartment looked nice even if it meant buying him a new comforter, a set of matching dishes - I thought I was happy with the way things were, never pushed marriage on him, but I did give an opinion about another couple that jumped into marriage and said "I think 2 years is a good amount of time to get to know someone well enough to make a commitment". One night out of the blue when he made plans for us to get together, he told me straight up "I don't want to marry you - I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you." I was crushed. Later I realized it was almost 2 years since the day we met. He was planning to get as much life out of me as he could and then dissappear to avoid any expectations. I had actually tried to say goodbye to him a couple of times during that 2 years and he always sent me flowers and asked to come back so I wasn't forcing myself on him. Within 6 months after dumping me he got married. He stole 2 years of my life that I'll never get back. and he wasn't the only one. I've wasted decades on men that weren't worth my time.

I'm telling ya girl - his attitude towards a relationship is a red flag. He wants to keep his options open. He will give you exactly what you ask for, which is nothing. Don't waste years with a man that you have no future with.
 BlueEyes1712
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 85
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What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/11/2009 11:14:42 AM
Respect his feeling and by all means do not discuss marrage ever till he considers therapy for himself if he wants to get more serious. What I have learnt is dont spoil a thing that is going well.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 87
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/11/2009 11:39:13 AM
Good for you - maintain! When you ever find yourself getting as excited and anxious as you were in your first post here, go back and read the entire thread. It's probably the equivalent of a cold shower for ya - sorry! You're a beautiful girl - He should be grateful for your time and attention.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 91
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What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/12/2009 11:15:38 AM
No he's not the one because commitment phobic is a load of horse crap that translates into you are not the one. Don't believe me, look around you and start taking surveys for the number of people that know or have been in relationships of long duration with a commitment phobe who broke up with someone or them and turned right around and were married and expecting their first child within a year.

When someone is the one, they don't need to be dragged through a relationship kicking and screaming. You can stick around for months or years to figure this out or you can walk away from the relationship and find someone that actually wants to be in one.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 95
What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 10/13/2009 6:42:43 AM
You might want to read the book "He's scared, she's scared". Also, ask yourself if you are in some way also a commitmentphobe and that is why you think he is "THE ONE" even though there are red flags.

Good point! All my life I've dated men who were unavailable and thought there was something wrong with me - there was. Turns out I only wanted marriage & commitment because that's what normal women do. I'm so much happier now realizing I'm not normal. The idea of happily ever after scares me to death, but I also don't want to give years of my life to a man that doesn't appreciate me.
 DaniaSweden
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 101
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What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 2/28/2012 5:18:52 PM
RUN!! He has issues that you can not repair. You are wasting your time. You are too old to waste your time with someone that does not know what they want or know where they are going and are okay living in the here and now forever.
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 103
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What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 2/28/2012 7:09:28 PM
A cure for the slow to marry kind-
An all expenses paid trip to Los Vegas (drinks included)!

Just Get him down there
gambling partying all sprinkled with a liberal dose of alcohol

Then once he says "I'm up for anything now"
Excuse yourself, head for your room in and get into that beautiful white bridal gown
Get a cab and off the the drive through wedding chapel.

Next morning, when he comes to, and shakes off the grogginess, greet him with a big smile, a nice kiss and a "good morning husband"- and show him the nice ring he bought.

I'm sure he thank you for getting that over with quick and painlessly. A true keeper....
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 105
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What to do when you meet an amazing man that is commitment phobic!
Posted: 2/29/2012 12:40:19 AM
I think you are afraid of being alone, going at it alone, raising a son by yourself, and moving away and you are looking to be rescued. Otherwise you wouldn't be seeking a relationship in just a few dates.
I've been accused of being a commitment phobe myself, not true. I just can tell when something isn't right and that they'll want me to change or they'll start changing when they are in a relationship with me and then the whole thing will go to sh*t.
He liked you because he thought you were independent and did not need. Now you are backtracking. He feels this so he makes this commitment excuse or you make it for him. He does not want to be responsible for your happiness, and can't be.
Stick to your plans, you can always ask him to visit after you get settled.
Just my experience, I could be wrong. Good luck!
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