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Joined: 11/7/2008
Msg: 2
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Victimhood Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
We all got our scars and souvenirs from life, some more than others. We learn from our past know what works for us and what doesn't. Adaptation becomes the logical solution with acceptance of the forthcoming of events set by both of parties.
What is there is there we all just seem to work aorund it.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 8
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Posted: 10/12/2009 10:50:00 AM
I think if you approach your life with the notion that a new relationship is going to wash away the stuff from the bad that is equally as screwed up as someone that relishes the role of victim, which is really more indicative of someone failing to accept responsibility for the choices he has made.

Nothing washes away pain from past relationships although the degree to which those hurts continue to affect you should dissipate as you put them in their proper place, take responsibility for your choices and choose to move forward positively.

People that are victims need to stay away from relationships entirely until they deal with their b.s. and unfortunately, most don't deal with anything so the best thing you can do is avoid them. When you encounter this in friends, etc. you can try to plant kernels of information but people aren't ready to listen until they are ready to have their life turn out differently.

Most people with this mentality enjoy the victim role and have no intention of letting it go so they will continue to find co-dependent people to pair with.
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 10
Posted: 10/12/2009 11:44:39 AM

Sure it does .....with the right person . Saying that Joy and happiness doesnt wash away pain, humiliation, etc

"seeking joy and happiness " "with the right person" without having dealt with your pain,humiliation etc, is like trying to paint over dirt,it may provide a very temporary improvement in appearance,but the paint won't stick long and the dirt will show through.
I think that there are a lot of people out there deluding themselves,engaging in magical thinking, that "finding the right person" is just gonna cancel out whatever hurts,fears, rough patches in their lives. Then, when that life strategy leads to a string of situations where that "fresh coat of paint" peels off in no time at all because the dirt wasn't cleaned off. And that just ADDS layer after layer of frustration...
Find your joy and happiness within yourself. I'm not saying to isolate or coccoon,but just know that the comfort you find in an involvement or relationship, while it can certainly HELP your healing process,it is not a permanent panacea.
Yes, part of escaping the victimhood trap IS letting go and moving forward, but do not put all your reliance on 'finding the right people". Finding YOURSELF may take longer, but it's also longer lasting.
Cindy O
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 16
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Posted: 10/12/2009 5:44:04 PM
Tags perhaps if you get your head out of your rear you can read what I wrote instead of what you projected. If you are looking for another relationship to erase pain it isn't going to happen because it is necessary for the individual to do some work on himself or herself with regard to that. Ignoring past hurts is carrying them into the relationship and with few exceptions these things will become a part of the new dynamic which is an unhealthy way to approach relationships.

People that embrace the victim mantle are not going to heal because they have a new relationship because inevitably the behavior that did not allow them to work through their feelings from the old relationship will at some point also take place in the new relationship. Small things will be blown out of proportion. Comments made will be attributed to something deeper than they are and the person will ultimately sabotage the relationship because that is what people who are victims do.

I am attacking no one just stating very well known facts about people that adopt a victim mentality. Everything is always someone else's fault and unless they latch onto Mother Theresa, a new relationship may make them feel better for a while but it is no panacea for taking responsibility for their own choices, and working through the feelings from an old relationship before getting into a new one. I don't think this is really far out either, pretty much known by 90% of the people that post to these forums.

Certainly any lingering pain from a relationship that someone has dealt with can be assuaged by a new relationship but that is far different from suggesting that the pain will be erased by the wonderful new relationship. This is another problem that victims have, they have unrealistic expectations going in that virtually no one can meet long term.
 Lint Spotter
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 18
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Posted: 10/13/2009 5:26:26 AM

How many have had a bad experiance
We've all had bad experiences... it's a fact of life. And in mine, I was a participant, not a victim.

I walked away better for them because I learned something through every adverse experience I've had...
Posted: 10/13/2009 9:00:07 AM

We've all had bad experiences... it's a fact of life. And in mine, I was a participant, not a victim.


In my experience, victims blame their "issues" on circumstances instead of realizing they put themselves in those circumstances. They also tend to thrive on the drama. It garners them attention and victims are nothing if not attention-seekers.

I have found, those who live in the past tend to have lower self-esteem. If we live in the present, we cannot help but have self-confidence because we are ever looking inward and onward; hence, when we get to the point of being confident in ourselves, we usually no longer attract that which is not good for us.

Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 21
Posted: 10/13/2009 9:10:03 AM
I have never been "humiliated" due to a break-up or a relationship. Pizzed off? You betcha! Confused, hurt and sad? Sure. But I wonder what it takes to "humiliate" someone? Even thinking THAT sounds like "victimhood" to me.

Some people are comfortable in their victimhood and use it to gain sympathy


You see a lot of that on here, women saying men "abuse" them and then it turns out he just didn't like her after he got to know her; men who lament that ALL women are after money and the ONLY reason they don't have a woman is because they don't have enough money. Some people can spin ANYTHING into it being the other person's fault.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 22
Posted: 10/13/2009 9:25:50 AM
I was a victim or severe abuse in my childhood - I didn't have any choices then. Now I choose to lead a happy and peaceful life, with or without a partner.

When someone is sharing happy memories about their childhood, do I "get over it" by pretending I didn't have one or rewriting history, or can I trust that he is a compassionate person that I can share my past experiences with be them good or bad?

As long as I treat him well and have a healthy self esteem, why should I be ashamed of my past? I don't think anyone should dwell on things but they should be able to share memories or their past, good or bad without being judged. If they can't talk about things openly, they have NOT dealt with it.

I once dated a guy that would get angry at me if I mentioned anything about my childhood experiences yet he talked about his all the time. But then he couldn't watch serious movies either and he was just not a very strong person. He thought his dad wanting to take him fishing or camping and spending quality time with him was abusive. Must have been rough not having parents that beat him.
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 24
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Posted: 10/13/2009 9:30:24 AM
The best advice I have heard is regarding this is simple. "You have had some bad experiences which makes you feel a certian way, whats needed is numberous good experiences so they outweigh the bad ones" That was it in a nutshell for me.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 27
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Posted: 10/13/2009 5:40:46 PM

"blamethrowers" sometimes they just dont know any better. options arent options if you dont see them as options. its a thinking error that they are still receiving benefits from. you cant look forward to the future or opportunity until you know it exists. good experiences dont wash away pain and humiliation.

At some point however, whether it is a romantic partner or some other type of relationship, the fog should recede and options seen as such, so is the victim that doesn't know he/she is a victim better somehow than the person that recognizes he/she is making choices?
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